As many of us know, not having children can be painful. A terrific article in today’s Contra Costa Times talks about this and describes some of the agencies that are helping childless women deal with their grief through therapy. The piece, called “Childless by Fate, Choice,” was written by Jessica Yadegaran. It includes a forum to answer the question “Have you come to terms with not having children?” I would love to have people answer that question here, too.
I’m currently working on the chapter about grief in my Childless by Marriage book, and it is interesting how one’s feelings change over time. It’s also hard not to project my feelings onto other people.
So how do you feel about it? Do you regret your choice? Are you still trying to decide what to do? What advice would you give someone like the 35-year-old woman I interviewed this weekend who is dating a man who doesn’t want any more children?
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Childless by Marriage 
I dont know if you will one day comment on my post. I'm a 37 year old man. My wife is 2 years older. We have done all sorts to have a baby in our 2 and half years of marriage. But we are still childless. My wife now is not helping matters in the sense that she has a distate for sex. If I dont make a move she never moves. Even during her fetile days I will still be the one to tell her its sex o'clock. And immediately after her nubile season she switches off completely. I'm beginning to regret marrying someone older than me. I don't want extramarital affairs. You are a woman perhaps you can understand better.
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Mr. Anonymous, this is a tough situation. Actually I understand your side of the story better than your wife's because I have experience with a partner who kept turning me down. Even if you're not trying to have a baby, this is hard to take. It makes one feel frustrated and unwanted.
If your wife is only 39, the problem is not her age. You need to try to discuss this as gently as possible to find out why she does not seem interested. Is there a physical reason? Is she worn out from work? Is something you do turning her off? Be honest about how you feel and may be you can work this out. I wish you all the best.
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I'm glad I'm not alone.
I turned 38 this year. I'm currently in a relationship with someone 6 years younger than I. He has made it very clear that he doesn't want children. It wasn't a problem for me for a long time, because I have some health issues and having a child could be dangerous for myself and for the child, so I had to make the decision that having children wasn't in my future.
But as my peers continue to share the news of children, birthdays, mother's day gifts, etc… something inside me is starting to feel hollow and sad. I feel like I'm missing out on the special bond I have had with my mother.
I feel like I'm missing out on a huge part of being a woman. I've also started to feel isolated from friends with children, like I'm not part of the “group”. Along with this is the pressure, maybe caused by myself, of not being married, not having a career, not owning a home… etc. I don't know. It's a confusing time for me and I feel a little lost. I'm not sure what to do…
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Anonymous, I feel for you. It is hard to feel like you're not doing what everyone else gets to do. At 38, the pressure is building because you're running out of years when you could have a baby. I suspect if you hang in there, it will get easier. Try to enjoy the things you do have in your life rather than dwelling on what you don't have. I know that's easier said than done, but give it a shot. I wish you all the best.
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I am so thankful to find this site and to hear all your heartfelt stories. I too am facing the loss of childlessness. I have tried so hard to create a life conducive to raising a child, but have fallen short. I am now 36 years old and frantically trying to make it all happen. My first husband wanted to be a father so much but unfortunately passed away when I was 28. The grief was hard and I thought my life was over. I gave up on the idea of having a baby, and entered into a relationship with a man who has three grown kids. I thought I was ok with this until his oldest had his own baby 2 years ago. My grief hit like a tidal wave. My husband is now willing to have a child as he sees my longing. The barrier is that I have been the primary income earner. His own Kids still need so much and are stuggling with poverty. They all need support to develop into successful adults. How can I ethically have a child which would force my husband to support me with his limited income when his kids need it so badly. I know I should try to be happy with the kids I do have in my life but I barely can even talk with them. They like me and respect me but I have very little connection. I have worked and helped raised them financially but have no real relationship. I cry every time I think about facing childlessness. My own mother passed away when I was young – she was such a beautiful and dedicated mother. She left me a hope chest with all kinds of memories – included is a bag of my baby toys – labeled for me “when I am a mommy”. I am back at school part-time so I can get a Monday to Friday job (I currently work shift work) so I can still work and maybe have a baby – but this is not how I wanted it to be – I wanted to raise a baby myself, like my mother. The grief is so heavy – how in the world I am going to deal with this loss?
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Dear Anonymous, wow, another tough situation. But you are lucky in that your husband is willing. I really think you should go ahead and have a child. You'll have however long it takes to conceive plus nine months to figure out the financial part of the story. There has to be a way to make it work. I'm so sorry about your first husband. That must have been so awful. And I can truly relate to the situation with your stepchildren, but don't give up your own dreams for them. You'll regret it forever. At least that's my opinion.
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Oh try not to think about the practical and financial aspect regarding your step children and put yourself first for once. You sound like such a loving person but now you must give yourself what you wanr. I decided to have a child after deliberating madly and suffering with making the decision. I have a difficult medical condition and need support with childcare but I still feel like I am my child's most important carer. I came to this site when I was really trying to commit myself to not having a child. Eventually I decided to give myself the chance even though my age (39) and illness were not ideal. We are so fortunate that we can make this choice. If you really want a child and you can then please allow yourself x
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Yes, yes, MG. Thanks for posting this.
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Hi,
I'm so happy to have found this blog, and also relieved that people are still posting.
I'm 31 in June and come from a variety of relationships, mostly bad, the last one ended when my partner sexually abused me. I went into a deep depression and lost all meaning in life until I found my current partner a year ago who is 37 and has a daughter aged 10.
My future has always been a dream of marriage and children, and at last I have someone who loves me dearly and saved my life. Except he doesn't want any more children and had a vasectomy. Many sites tell women to move on, find someone else… But this man is so in love with me and I with him. Do I thank God that I have love in my life despite no children, or risk losing the love and adoration I have now by leaving? Do I want children more than the love I share with my partner? Such decisions are blowing my mind. Is it better to mourn fit something that you have never had than to mourn for something you loved and gave up? Such questions. 😦
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Cerys, I'm glad you found us. You ask the big questions that none of us really know the answers to, at least not while it's happening. Do you choose the man you have or the children you might have? I don't know, but I'm leaning toward keeping the good man.
What do other people think? Let us know.
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Dear Sue,
Thank you for your blog and for sharing your stories; I am sorry for the loss of your husband and your hopes of having a child.
I am 42 years old, and my husband is 46. We've been together for over 20 years now, and married for 16. We had all plans of having a child, and when it didn't happened after trying for a few years, we started infertility treatments when I was 30. We tried 7 IUIs, an IVF, and a frozen embryo transfer over the course of the next 5 years, and none of it worked. My husband promised that we would become parents no matter what, but convinced me to take a break. To put my career and our relationship first for a while. I did for a couple years. Then when I revisited the subject with him nearly 5 years ago, he sprung it on me that he didn't think he wanted kids anymore. That he was too old, that they cost too much money.
I love him, I really do. But I am growing more resentful and bitter everyday. He broke his promise to me, and now he expects me to just get over it. We are even going to counseling, and when the therapist asked him to do some research to read stories of other women with similar stories as me, he only read one where a women “got over it” and is fine now, living happily and making time doing other things that make her happy. I am not over it. And he's not even trying to understand my perspective, much less empathize. I have been so depressed all weekend, sobbing uncontrollably since Friday. I am contemplating separating from him. I feel like I have wasted 5 years of my life waiting for him to change his mind. Perhaps that is really my fault (although he did lead me to believe that he wasn't certain. Maybe 50-50 some days, 40-60 on other days, 60-40 on good days). I think that if he tried to be more sympathetic to my perspective, I might feel less alone and less likely to leave, but I'm not feeling understood or supported.
I am so grief-stricken. We had a wonderful marriage until this “revelation” of his, and now I am having a hard time reimagining my life being childless. Is it possible to find some peace in this decision? I am getting worried that we have been in counseling for 6 months now, and he still seems to be sitting on the fence . . . which to me is the same thing as saying that we are not having children. I think he is just hoping that I'll wait long enough until I am not physically able to try anymore, which I know is getting close. But then again, I am also completely open to adoption, but of course, he is not. (Interestingly enough, though, he says that he will be happy to father our child if I miraculously end up pregnant naturally, but then again, he rarely wants to have sex with me, and I think he assumes it will never happen, so this makes him look better, right?). Anyway I know you don't know us, but I am wondering what your gut is telling you about my situation in relation to other stories you have heard and your own experiences.
Thanks for reading and for the compassion you show all of your contributors.
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I am 64 and finding the grief of childlessness is just as intense as it has been for the last 25+ years, if not worse. In my early 30s I rejected a lovely man who had had a vasectomy, because having children was not an option for him and it was what I wanted more than anything. I realised later that after him, I viewed any man who was interested in me, and vice versa, according to his parenting potential as much as his potential as a life partner. I even considered having a baby anyway, if a suitable father didn't come along. Then ovarian cancer intervened while I was still in my 30s, leaving me not only infertile, but unable to consider adoption because I would be rejected due to my health history. Having got through some of the pain of friends having children, now I find myself in more pain as people of my age become grandparents. It's not that I am not interested – I was a teacher – an early years specialist – and I love talking about children and being with them. But they are somebody else's children and grandchildren, not mine, and even if we get on wonderfully, I am and always will be simply an occasional nice person in their life. I have siblings with children and grandchildren, and I love my nieces and nephews and they love me. However, we are not geographically close, so we see each other rarely. They naturally choose to visit their parents before they consider visiting me (we live in different parts of the country). I don't resent this – parents should come first, but it hurts that there is no-one who has me at the top of their list for phone-calls, visits, emails etc. Also being without a partner means that I don't feel I am special to anyone. Sometimes the loneliness and pain is so overwhelming, I give in to it and feel very sorry for myself. Then I feel so guilty, because I do have a loving family – I am at least on their list, even if not at the top, and I know people who have neither parents, partner, siblings or children, so why should I complain? I also have good friends and am actively involved in a number of things like voluntary work, trying to keep contact with children and young people in other ways. I should be happy and content with my life, but I'm not because I cannot rid myself of this deep pain. I know there is no such thing as a perfect life, even with children, and friends who are parents have often been jealous of my ability to do things that they feel they are not free to do, but how can I explain that I would swap any number of holidays, late nights out and so on to have a family of my own. This blog is important – everybody has different experiences, but we share the same pain, that derives from having had expectations thwarted, often in the cruellest ways. How do we cope with the pain? Accept that what happened happened? Yes, but it still hurts. Move on? Yes, of course, we have to find other things to fill our lives, but they don't entirely. Avoid the subject – thinking about it, talking about it? Yes, but then every now and then what is buried explodes to the surface. Is it different grieving for someone we lost,having known and loved them, or grieving for children we might have had and never knew. Lots of your bloggers have asked the same. Will it ever ease? I just don't know.
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Anonymous May 6, 6:59, thank you for sharing this. There is so much pain here, and I feel for you. It doesn't seem fair, does it. I think a lot of readers of all ages can identify with what you're saying. We must stick together in this because other people don't understand how it feels. I wish you all the best.
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Dear Anon May 5, 10:18 p.m., I am so sorry. My gut reaction is “Aaaaaaaaaagh! I'm glad you're in counseling, but it doesn't seem to be working–or is this just the hard part that you need to get past? I wish I knew. At 42, you really are running out of time for pregnancy or adoption, and that's a hard reality, especially when my gut tells me your husband needs a break from all of it and you don't have time. I hope and pray you can resolve this. A good life is possible without having children. Yes, that pain will come back to you time and time again, but you can move on. We're all here for you.
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Any woman married to a man who broke his promise about wanting children and doing whatever it took to have them, should leave him. This is a form of unfaithfulness no different from infidelity. If you're financially independent and can support yourself, that makes it easier. If not, do whatever it takes to make it possible for you to be independent of someone who has ruined a part of your life that can never be healed. Be open with it to your friends and family, just as you would if the reason for the divorce was an affair. It doesn't matter if you are 25 or 65, if the anger and grief is eating you alive your marriage is destroyed and you need to acknowledge it and act on it. Don't be afraid of a future alone. After all, his broken promise already destined you to a future alone after he is gone. Because let's be honest, the childless will be alone in a way that no step-children, nieces or nephews can ever make up for.
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Another Mother's Day has arrived and I feel saddened by the fact that most of the people I love in my life have been blessed to have children that bring joy to their lives every day.
At the age of 17 I was diagnosed with PCOS and was told that I may have difficulty having children. I was married to my first husband who I loved, we talked about having kids but shortly after we got married he was rather verbally abusive and never hit me but put fists through walls often. I thank God every day that I didn't have children with him only because it was such a horrible situation. We got divorced when I was 29 and I thought if I didn't meet someone soon I would never have kids.
I was so blessed to meet my current husband. We got married when we were both 34. He loves me, supports me and would probably do anything for me. When we met he knew I wanted kids and he told me he would be happy if he found out we were pregnant but that day has yet to come. We have seen fertility specialists but I can't see going into huge amounts of debt to go through a process that may not work (the though of this scares me).
Now, at 37 I cry inside when I see my nieces and nephews tell their parents how much they love them because I know I will never have that in my life. Don't get me wrong…my husband and I have a good life. We travel, spoil our dogs and nieces and nephews rotten and work hard but there always is this void. My husband doesn't bring it up anymore mainly because he knows I just break down in tears. So here I sit on another Mother's Day…looking for some relief to this internal pain I feel so often but have yet to find it…
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Anonymous,
I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this. I hope you can still find a solution, but if not, try to enjoy the good things in your life. Mother's Day is the worst for those of us who wish we had children and don't. Hang in there. You're not alone.
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Anonymous 7:06 a.m. I totally agree with you about husbands who break their promise about children. The woman has ever right to leave him. And a lot of us do wind up alone. Thanks for your comment.
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Yes another Mother's Day has come and the incredible grief has overcome me again. I gave up on marriage and men around 27 after a few bad relationships. Tired of the pain I figured id just be a career women and money and freedom would fill the hole in my heart. Then a long time friend who for years I'd known liked me really questioned why i wouldnt date him. I realized I thought popularity and looks were more important. He was plain quiet and people said that's the man that sticks around. We had a lot in common, he swept me off my feet. I reopened my heart to having the life I dreamed of; doting husband and lots of kids . Little did I know…. We got married in '07 and i suffered two miscarriages then I couldn't get pregnant at all. I fell into depression. What I didn't know is that I had married a narcissist who was cheating on me from day one of our marriage. I discovered this during my depression which made me sink further. I found out that during my dnc for the second miscarriages both of my tubes got scarred and are blocked. I will not be able to have children naturally. I am currently divorcing my husband. During this whole mess my mom got diagnosed with early onset Alzeimher's. She's only 68 and stage 3 has no idea who I am and barely talks or makes sense. I feel like a fool for ever openning my heart to that heartless deceiver. I grieve the loss of my mom, my dead babies, my ability to have children, my chances of having a loving partner. There is a pain and lonliness so deep that few understand what this has done to me. I used to love being around children and now I can't bear it. I have been whispered about and shunned because other friends my age are all mothers and don't understand why just because I don't have something why I can be happy for others. They think I'm jealous. I don't think that any of us want those women to not enjoy motherhood and all the blessings that come with it, just that their blessing does evoke a pain I carry with me always. I don't know how to move beyond this. I don't have that career to fall back on and right now I'm so emotionally dead I have mo passion or purpose for the rest of my life.
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Oh Anonymous 3:45 p.m., I'm so sorry. How awful to wait so long and then have your husband turn out to be a cheater. My first husband did that, too. I never had any miscarriages, but I do know about losing your mother and having someone you love taken away for Alzheimer's. I knew when my mom got cancer that I could not make it through without getting counseling. I just could not do it alone. I have never regretted the decision to get help. You might want to consider it to help you find the joy in life again.
Thank God Mother's Day is almost over.
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Any advise would be greatly appreciated. I find myself between a rock and a hard place and I feel as if it's driving me crazy. I met my husband when I was 19 and he was 25. He already had three children from a previous marriage and a vasectomy after the youngest. I was aware of this and continued the relationship anyway. As I approached my mid-twenties we discussed marriage and children and he was all for both. He proposed when I was 27 and before saying yes I explained that we can only get married if he was willing to have children and he agreed. The next year we went to the doctor to look into the reversal process. Shortly after he was laid off so we never proceeded at that time. Since then he has gotten a great job, we bought a house, and have become more than secure. His children are 22, 19, and 16. We raised the younger two full time since they were 10 and 6. Throughout the years he would flip flop on his desire to have more kids when the current ones would do something to hurt, upset, or make him proud. I finally told him he had to decide one or the other so I knew where I stood. He said he wanted to have a family with me. We went to the doctors again about 4 months ago to get started on the reversal again and I was so excited to be moving in the right direction. This past weekend he had lunch with his daughter (19) and she informed him that she was pregnant. That was the nail in my child having coffin. He informed me that he can't see himself being a grandpa and a dad at the same time and we should just focus on being grandparents. WHAT! So I get to be a 33 year old grandmother but never the opportunity to have my own children. I love my step kids more than life and am grateful for having been able to help raise them but I am feeling completely used and lied to. I am dying inside and don't know what to do. My stepdaughter just brought over pictures of her ultrasound and as much as I tried to be happy it was like someone was stabbing me in the heart and I can't stop crying. ANY advice or suggestions would mean the world.
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So he still hasn't done the reversal? Argh. I am so sorry. My gut feeling is that you need to confront him and tell him he can't go back on his promise. And that's just too bad that he doesn't want to be a dad and grandpa at the same time. I became a grandmother at 34, very similar situation. But now I don't see any of my husband's kids or grandkids, except on Facebook.
What do other people say about this?
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I've commented on your post regarding forgiving your spouse for being unwilling to have children. I can feel the pain that the Anonymous commenter on May 29 is going through. We scheduled the vasectomy reversal for my husband twice and he cancelled both times. I honestly wish I had something to say that would encourage her. I am basically just existing from day to day anymore. And he constantly asks me what's wrong, why can't I just be happy, etc. I can't understand how he doesn't see how much his actions have not only devastated me, but have seriously hurt our relationship. Even though I don't believe in divorce except under certain circumstances, I honestly don't know that I can see myself with him for the rest of my life. I feel so betrayed and abandoned. I'm just hoping and praying that this anger and resentment will subside over time.
Reading the stories of all the other women who are experiencing similar situations and feelings is strangely comforting. Thank you for this website!
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Mel S.,
I'm glad you found us and thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry it's so hard. My mother would say “What's wrong with these men?” But there are two sides to every story. When he asks what's wrong, do you tell him? If not, you need to. If you tell him and he doesn't listen, I worry about your future together. I hope you can find peace with this.
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I am 47 and am really having a very hard time dealing with not having children. I feel so sad and so very angry. I did not make a conscience decision not to have children. I married at 23 and decided to get pregnant a year later. We got pregnant the first try but it ended with a miscarriage. My marriage did not last long after that (not due to the miscarriage). Having children was not a priority for a while. I just assumed it would happen when it was supposed to. In 2000 I remarried. Three days before we were to get married, I found out I had Hodgkins disease. Before going through treatments, I asked my doctor if I should have eggs or embryos frozen. He said I did not need to do that. My husband and I never used any form of birth control. We were not “trying” but we were also not “trying”. Unfortunately my marriage (once again) did not last. After my marriage was ended, I was in two serious relationships, during which we never used protection. I never became pregnant and began to assume that I was unable to. I came to accept the fact that I would not have a baby of my own. I am a teacher and love children and have much to give to them. I made the decision to adopt an older child from Russia. My family does mission work there and I had met a lovely girl of 10 who I fell in love with. As the process was getting close to being finalized, it fell apart due to Russian policies. I accepted the fact that not only would I not have a baby myself but I would not be adopting. Several years later, I met a wonderful man and to my utter amazement we became pregnant. I was over the moon with joy. I cannot express the amount of happiness I felt for the three short months I carried this baby. Unfortunately, once again it ended in a miscarriage. Although my doctors told us it was probably due to my age, I began to be determined to get pregnant again. I went to osteopathic therapists, did shots, went to a Chinese herbalist, went to an acupuncturist. Nothing helped. I want to have invitro with donated eggs but my husband and I live month to month financially so coming up with the $15,000 for the procedure is impossible. My father passed away 5 years ago and we have been waiting for the settlement of the estate. I was counting on it to provide the funds needed to have the procedure. We would have one shot at it. I have just found out that it will be another year before the estate is settled. I am crushed. I don't feel like I can wait another year. A baby at 48 or 49? Is that really fair to the baby? At one time I had come to terms with not having children. I was content with my live as it was. My second miscarriage awoke such a strong desire to have children in me. How do I come to terms with this once again. Why did God let me get a glimpse of the joys of having a baby only to snatch it away? My husband does not understand the agony I am feeling over not having children. I know I have gone on and on but I don't feel I have anyone to talk to who can understand.
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Oh my gosh, Anonymous, I don't know what to say. What a sad story, so many disappointments. It doesn't seem fair. We can say God has His reasons, but sometimes they're sure hard to figure out. I ache for you, and I'm sure my other readers do, too.
The husbands never seem to understand. I wish they did. If it helps any, we do. And we offer a gigantic group hug.
I pray you can find a way to come to peace over this.
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I just wanted to send you lots of love. What a journey you have been on. I think that it would be fine to have a child in your late 40s. I can I only imagine how stressful it is to have to wait for finances to come through. Is the question of adoption still out? I think if you have such a desperate urge and there are possibilities then you will continue to look for ways to fulfill your dreams. I know at some point we have to come to terms with what is in our fate but it seems that until this becomes very clear we continue to strive. I really really pray for you that you are able to get what you need and desire. I definitely send you a very big hug. This is such a good place to come and express our deepest sorrow and longing x
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Anonymous..who is 47. I would highly recommend you find a nathurpathic doctor in your area. Someone who actually has the NMD behind his/her name. These type of doctors take a totally different approach than a regular medical doctor and may be able to help you without incurring all the expense of invitro.
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It is a strange relief to find that there are other people out there who know how I am feeling. I am 42, married to a wonderful 46 year old man, who has 2 'children' (now 20 and 22) from his first marriage – and, yes, he had a vasectomy shortly after the birth of his youngest. My first husband didn't want children, so I found the strength to leave him (I now find out that he has 2 children with the woman he met after me!) – and I was so happy to find my current husband; a man who wanted to have a family with me. We booked a vasectomy reversal (this was 7 years ago), but it got cancelled when we were moving jobs/house. Then the 2nd appointment got cancelled when sadly my father-in-law and brother-in-law died on the same day. My husband had to take over the family farm and I knew then that we would never have a child, as he would never be able to take the time off for the surgery. I had also been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and I questioned whether I could cope with motherhood. Most of the time I can see that I should be glad that we did not have kids – my health has got worse, my husband has been so busy with the farm, I do not want to have kids around when we are in our 50s – BUT I am sad that we didn't meet when we were younger and that we weren't given the chance to be parents. I feel pain when I see a baby/pregnant woman. I get so jealous and resentful. I cry nearly every day. I have nearly bought a doll, just so I could get baby clothes!! I get angry when I see young 'girls' with their babies – when we could offer so much to a child and were not given that chance. AND NOW MY 20 YEAR OLD STEPDAUGHTER HAS ANNOUNCED SHE IS PREGNANT – ONLY JUST FINISHED HER 1ST YEAR IN UNIVERSITY, ONLY KNOWN THE FATHER FOR 6 MONTHS – and everyone is fussing over her. I am jealous, although I know that it is not a good time for her to be pregnant – and I am dreading having to see her pregnant/with the baby. We are definitely not ready to be grandparents!! We have a 1st Birthday Party to go to next week – and I do not want to go. I normally cry whenever I go near a baby, and I don't know how to say that I can't go. I keep hoping it will get easier as I get older, but it does not. I also get scared as I think of getting older. I have no family around me, and very few friends – and certainly no close friends. Will anyone come to my funeral?? If I didn't have my husband, then I think I could end it all now.
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Dear Alison, This is a very sad story. I'm sorry you've had to go through all this. And I worry when you say you could end it all now. Are you saying what I think you're saying? You do not have to end up alone if you reach out to other people now and make those connections that will last. I know how hard that is, but you need to try. You may also want to consider therapy to help you deal with everything. It doesn't mean you're crazy; it just means you could use somebody to talk to. You are at an age when seeing babies is especially painful. It does get easier. I have finally gotten to a place where I find babies very interesting creatures and I don't always think about how I don't get to have one. I'm still more comfortable with dogs, but I'm getting more comfortable with babies. Please hang in there. As for the upcoming party, be honest about why you don't want to go. If necessary, plead illness and stay home. I wish you peace.
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I am a woman of Indian origin who had an arranged marriage that was abusive… and then had to work and find my way in a foreign country. I like my job.. have a career… and am married again to someone who loves alcohol more than me. I have waited patiently for 5 years – out of love for him and out of a sense of duty cos he was there for me when I was alone and trying to cope. I am 38 and am childless. I have friends but they talk about kids. I know my other friends in stable relationships are trying for kids.. But I may never have one.. The grief is real and for no fault of mine, I may never be a mum in this lifetime. All the money and the bonuses in the world may never matter.. But who understands that?
I have a friend who has kids and who always says that kids are a blessing. Does that mean I am not blessed? Does that mean I dont deserve anything good in my life? Why do some of us suffer so much? I am yet to find the answers…
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Anonymous,
We understand. Although our circumstances may be different, we share your grief. Of course you are blessed, just in other ways, and you deserve as much happiness as anyone else. I hope you can find some of those answers you're looking for.
Sue
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Hi. My name is Jennifer, and I'm forty. When my husband and I met, he told me early on that he believed he would make a good father, that I would be a good mother, and that he wanted children. I was very excited to hear this. His only stipulation at the start was that we have no morw than two. I wanted four but agreed.
We married when I was thirty-eight. Six months later, I was pregnant for the first time in my life. Shortly thereafter, while on vacation, I miscarried. He hadn't been excited or anything about the baby and refised to talk over any issues relating to planning for children.
He kept telling me to seek out friends or parenting groups online. After a year of plans (while waiting to pay down an expensive purchase, after which time we would have intimate time), he finally admitted that he likes his life just the way it is and didn't want children (for a variety of reasons).
Suffice it to say, I feel decieved, depressed, cheated, and I miss the child I lost. After the miscarriage, I also lost friends I thought were good/close. Naturally, more friends are now announcing their pregnancies or sending constant photo updates about their happy families.
I don't know what to do. Never talking about my daughter is tough, being ignored is tough, too, and acting like everything is A-OK is giving me an ulcer. Most of all, I am pissed off that he gets whatever he wants in this life (job, paycheck, friends, travel, sport) and I must start from scratch.
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Nuts. I hate that things have turned out this way for you. It sure doesn't seem fair. You might still have time to have another baby if he can get past his selfish self to support you in it. Is it possible this is his way of protecting himself against the sorrow of another miscarriage? You need to have somebody to talk to. If you can't find a friend or family member, you might want to seek out a counselor who can lend an unbiased ear. Don't give up, whatever you do. We're here for you.
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When I read Anonymous's story posted on June 13 I thought that this was the closest I'd ever seen to my own story. So I do know how it feels, knowing that no one ever experiences things exactly the same. We started trying to get pregnant the usual way, and after a year or so began to investigate. We found out that my husband is unable to produce sperm. Re-adjustment time. After a while we decided to adopt, jumped through those hoops and eventually a young woman chose us to parent her baby. We had everything ready to bring her home and she was born a little premature. We were going to see her that afternoon although she'd have to stay in the hospital for a while. Then the phone call came that the young girl's mother had found a different family. We were heartbroken but picked ourselves up and waited for another child. Before that happened I found out I have leukemia and was told that no one would adopt to us, which turned out to be the case, at least back then. I thought time would take care of this grief and to a large extent it has. But recently it's resurfaced after someone I know adopted a baby. It came at me out of nowhere and because of the position I'm now in, I can't have this surprising me and me ending up in tears at inappropriate times.
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Grace, what a hard time you've had. I'm so sorry. At least you and your husband are sticking together through this. Now it sounds like you need to focus on your health. I wish you all the best.
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Glad to see I'm not alone in feeling lost, confused, and torn apart. It helps to know my feelings are valid. I have always wanted children… I know I'd make a fantastic mother. I have so much love to give. My dilemma is that I am in a serious relationship with a terrific man (19 years older than myself) who DOES NOT want to have a baby, due to his age(48). He has two teen daughters from previous marriage, so when I got involved with him, I thought they would fill my urge for kids. Not the case! They are nothing like me. They are good kids… But they are not MY kids! I love my man, and don't want to leave him, but I must admit, I do think about ending the relationship over this. Then I think…” What if I leave him… And never find anyone, and spend life alone AND childless.” Or ” what if I leave him, and I find out later in life that I'm infertile.” Then I'll have left a wonderful man for nothing!!! I'm so confused. I've been crying lots, and just want to be alone lately. I've been moody and think subconsciously I am angry at my man and his kids for being what I want, and can't have. My family is very easy to talk to, but not much help because they all want me to have a baby, and they want to be grandparents. I feel like I'm letting them down too!!! My man keeps talking about getting married…and I've always wanted that!… But not sure if I can do that, knowing I'm signing off on any possibility of kids. How the hell am I suppose to decide what to do here??? my emotions are such a mess! -TJ
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This is many years after you posted this, but my situation is very similar. Curious what you decided to do?
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Anon Sept. 7, what a pickle. A lot of women find themselves in situations like this, and it's hard to know what to do. At least you know going in what marrying him would mean. I was in a similar situation and still fantasized we'd have kids together. Didn't happen. I'm glad you can talk to your family. And keep talking to your man. You might want to find a counselor or other unbiased person to talk to because it's a huge decision. At 29 I wouldn't give up on finding someone else, but if the man you have is the one you want to spend your life with, you'll need to find a way to deal with this. Would he be open to adoption? My husband told me long after the fact that he just didn't want to deal with a baby, but if I had already had a child, he would have been okay with it. I wish I could tell you what to do. All I can offer is a big hug and assurance that I really do understand what you're going through.
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You just said almost exactly how I feel!! Except that my two stepkids I love very much. I feel like I got screwed in life. The past two nights I sat up crying over it. I am miserable. I feel I have nothing! I have nothing of my own. It makes it hard to live. Cuz what do I have to live for? I feel guilty for saying this cuz I do love and care for my stepkids. But it's different. And my husband could not care less. He has his perfect world.
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So glad to find this thread. I'm in a very different position to most of you, but I feel this grief I just can't seem to get past. I'm 21 and my partner of a year is 27. We met a few months after I ended an emotionally manipulative relationship (threatening suicide and so on) that immediately prior to the breakup was apparently perfect, talking marriage and kids and so on. While in hindsight I recognise this was a toxic relationship, I do miss the “passion” and the shared goal of marriage and a family. When I met my man I didn't feel 100% ready for a relationship as I was only a few months into my self development journey but he is honestly such a catch I couldn't say no. At the time all the people in our shared community talked about how he must be “nesting” given certain behaviours. Having always felt emotionally older than my peers this was a great attractor for me. I just wanted a stable, happy, loving relationship that would lead me to be the mother I had always wanted to be. He is 100% amazing and I love him with all my heart, however he doesn't want to have kids till he is 35 (8 years away).
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Since finishing Uni I have had a number of health issues which have made me rely on a sickness benefit (govt support). I am being investigated for endometriosis, the disease that caused my aunt to have a full hysterectomy; as well as IBS and having chronic debilitating back pain which is now neck back legs and pretty much my whole body. My physio can't understand why my muscles are unresponsive to treatment (literally physio helps only for 1-2 hours before stiffening up again) and asked me to get some tests done. The doc ordered these tests but unbeknownst to me tested for autoimmune diseases and I came back positive for Sjögren's syndrome; lupus and skleroderma despite having no symptoms (other than chronic fatigue). Needless to say I am pretty unemployable at the moment. I'm waiting for referrals to a gyno and rheumatologist but the flip side of having free care here is that it will take 6 months to possibly 2 years to find out if I have endo or not. The possibility of never having children is breaking me down like you wouldn't believe.
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I think I am depressed but I try so hard to be positive and to maintain a healthy lifestyle which I promote on my blog and I am the bubbly positive happy one in my groups of friends so no one would know it. Every time I've tried to raise the issue I get stuck with the “you're so young don't worry about it” write-off but I have wanted a baby so bad for three years now and I'm terrified that I won't be able by the time my man is ready, or worse that his own issues (dad left when he was 5, under very negative circumstances ) or the fact that he doesn't REALLY want kids will mean I end up waiting until I miss the boat or he decides he never wants them and I'm too scared of leaving or that I will leave and then never find some. Plus my degree is worthless and i need to retrain meaning i will have $100k debt to pay off. I
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I know I am young but given the timeframe to a. Find out definitively if I do have endo and what the likelihood is b. get better so I can go back to study or work c. Get a job that can pay off my debt AND save for a child; I am terrified it isn't possible. In the meantime all my friends are getting engaged, having babies or at the very least getting ready to; and I am spending most of my days looking online; making spreadsheets of how much it will cost; reading parenting articles left right and centre. I feel like I already am a mother and I am grieving for the baby boy my bf and I kind of talked about. He has a name and it hurts so bad I feel like I actually went through everything and like he died. I literally feel like I have lost a child. Anyway please excuse this super long message I just wanted to know what you think of my situation. I don't want to pressure my man into marriage or kids especially as we haven't been together long in the scheme of things; our relationship is just so mature and beautiful I know he is the one. But equally I have been having thoughts that if kids are what I need to be happy, maybe I will have to sacrifice having my perfect man to find someone who may be a little rough around the edges but at least has the same priorities as me. I am just terrified that given what I have to achieve health and finance wise that it will never be a possibility and that I will throw away (and incredibly hurt in the process) the absolute love of my life and my soul mate who I would do anything for… Except apparently not have kids. *sigh*
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Oh ladies, big sigh. Lots of pain in the comments today.
Anon with the possible endometriosis and other health problems, I'm so sorry for your pain, physical and otherwise. Somehow you've got to light a fire under your doctors to give you a definite diagnosis. Meanwhile, take it one day at a time and make it clear to all involved that you are anxious to have children. If they don't like it, too bad.
Anon with the guy who wants to wait until he's 35, 8 years, can you negotiate it down to 4 years? Why does he have to be 35? Explain that he'll be in his 50s when the kid is a teenager. Does he want that?
Anonymous Bubbly, you've got to get a definite answer. Does he want kids or not? Then figure out how to move on. Get counseling if needed. Is your degree really worthless? Is there some less expensive way to find a new career?
I have more questions than answers, don't I? But know that I feel for you all and that everyone here is on your side. I wish you all the best.
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broken hearted. I have had miscarriage after miscarriage. in the Spring 2013 I had a total hysterectomy and with all the health problems which all conclude to hormone and womb problems I have to come to terms with the fact with unable to have my own family. When the rest of my sisters all have had their families. everywhere I look people are having more and more children. sisters, friends pregnant just with a look at a pair of trousers. I am 32. my husband had already his family. he is the best knight in shinning armour who has looked after me through thick and thin.
Will this hurt get any easier? How can I cope with these feelings?
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It is so hard, especially at your age. It will get easier, I promise. I,m glad your husband is there for you. Know that you are not alone and try to enjoy the other children around you.
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I am glad that I found a place where I can express my feelings with women who are going through similar emotions. I am unique and strange in that I married late in life – in my 50s, to a widower who is also my first love. Won't go into a lot of detail on that, but the fact that he has grown children and that finally, finally I have settled down (made mistakes previously being with the wrong men) is bringing up very, very intense feelings of sadness and failure over not having children. Through my childbearing years I was trying, but obviously not succeeding, in meeting the right man, and did not focus on children. Now that I am surrounded by children (and grandchildren) I feel a profound sense of failure and am at a complete loss for finding meaning in my life. I know there are many ways to find meaning, but I cannot shake this feeling of profound sadness. His children are not mine, it is not the same.
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Dear Anonymous Nov. 19, I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. As you probably know, I married an older man who had children already, and we didn't have any together. There were times when it felt wonderful having his children and grandchildren around. I almost felt like they were mine, but they weren't. It's rarely the same as having your own. But these are the kids you've been given, so try as hard as you can to enjoy them. If you really can't shake this sadness, maybe it would help to talk to a counselor about it. These are not easy issues, and you spent a lot of years alone before finding your man. I wish you all the best.
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I wish I'd found your blog earlier. It's a relief to read comments from women in a similar situation to me. I have always suffered from depression and also always wanted children. I'm 34 and have been with my 4-years-younger partner for three and a half years. When we were first dating, he made a casual comment about not wanting children. I had a big talk with him about it, as didn't want a relationship that wouldn't eventually lead to children. He said he'd always been in two minds, mainly because his career prospects weren't great and he would never want a child he couldn't provide for. I was reassured as I knew that financial circumstances can change, so we stayed together. His job situation did improve and we moved in together. When I then started talking about actually having children he started thinking about it realistically rather than hypothetically for the first time and realised he in fact probably didn't want them for the forseeable future and possibly not ever, and for a variety of reasons – not just financial. I was devastated and upset that he had't thought this through before moving in with me, and we split up. We were apart for the best part of a year, during which time I dated other men but missed him terribly and eventually came to the conclusion that it was more important to be with the right person than to have children. We got back together a year ago, saying we'd just see what the future brought re whether he ended up wanting children or not. Things have been great between us except for this issue, as I've started to feel the want for a child very strongly again. We've discussed it again and he says he's tried to want children because he knows I do, but the reality is he just doesn't want them – again, definitely not for now and possibly not in the future either. I'm finding it hard to ignore my yearning for children and this coupled with my depression seems to form a vicious cycle. I don't know how much of how I feel is down to clinical depression and how much of it is just normal for a woman who's unable to have the children she always wanted, with the man she loves. I still want to be with my partner and don't want to split again. I just wish I could feel like I did when we first got back together again, when I was relaxed about the uncertainty, rather than stressed out by it. If anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for such a long post. Thank you.
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Oh Anon,
Part of me just wants to grab hold of your partner and shake him for being an idiot. But you've got the classic dilemma: your man doesn't want kids, you do, and you're being forced to choose him or the children you wanted to have. Nobody wins in this situation. Might it be possible to convince him to have children even though he doesn't really want them? It sounds like that could happen. You could hope for a magical transformation once the baby is born, but there's no guarantee. I wish I knew the magic words.
If you're not already getting help for your depression, you might want to do that. A counselor could help you figure things out.
Help me out, readers. Any advice?
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