Year: 2010

Let’s Count Our Blessings

Sue Fagalde Lick Uncategorized

I pause at a rest stop on the way to Albany and see a young couple playing with an adorable curly-haired baby. I think, oh, I should have had that, but other visions make me glad I missed that stage of life.

I see a pregnant woman walking with difficulty to the restroom, a squalling baby in her arms. I see another pregnant woman in town, pushing her one-year-old in a stroller. She walks heavily, her face bearing the weight of the world. Is she wondering how she got herself into this?

At Fred Meyer, I get in line behind this attractive white-haired woman who has a child somewhere between 18 months and two years old her stroller. The kid is grabbing everything as she tries to put it on the conveyer belt. Grandma is flummoxed. She leaves stuff in the cart and forgets to pay for it, seems totally confused. She sends a bagger off to get her a Coke. He brings regular and caffeine-free, not sure what she wants. She says, “Oh I need the caffeine; I’m taking care of three grandchildren.”

I plunk my light bulbs, tea and moisturizer on the conveyer belt, glad I don’t have to deal with any of this. Sometimes I feel bad about not having children, but other times, I think, “Oh, thank you, Lord.”

Think about it. As much as we might mourn our loss of children, there are some good things about not having children. Let’s make a list.

I’ll start:

1)I’m not wrestling a child at the grocery store.
2I can go to the bathroom in peace.
3)I’m not exhausted from being pregnant and taking care of a one-year-old at the same time.

What else should be on the list?

The Joy of Little Voices

Sue Fagalde Lick Uncategorized

I have been leading the children in song at our Vacation Bible School this week. I’m finding that it’s fun. Somewhere along the way, I moved from seeing every child as a reminder of what I don’t have to simply enjoying children wherever I find them. They’re delightful, all jammed into the pews singing in their high voices, doing all the gestures, up, down, turn around, hands in the sky, hands to the ground, etc. Their young brains learn the songs far quickly than we can. Singing with them allows me to feel young and be goofy, too.

These little guys and girls have boundless energy, so I’m not sorry when they run off to their lessons and someone has else has to worry about keeping them from tearing the place apart. My music gives me a way to interact with them that fits my abilities and my temperament.

If you’re grieving over not having children, I understand. I have cried so many tears over this issue, but believe me, it really does get easier. Meanwhile, love the kids around you and know that while you are not a mother, you can play a role in their lives, even if it’s singing “Pharoh, Pharoh” to the tune of “Louie, Louie.”

A Welcome Addition to the Literature

Sue Fagalde Lick Childless by Choice Project, Laura S. Scott, Two is Enough

There’s a new book out I wanted to share with you:

Two is enough: A Couple’s Guide to Living childless by Choice by Laura S. Scott, Seal Press, 2009.

Scott has made voluntary childlessness her mission in life. She founded the Childless by Choice Project and has conducted extensive surveys and interviews to present a clear picture of what it means to be childless by choice. Although a tad didactic–we don’t all care about the statistical details that she seems to labor so hard over–this is a well-researched and sympathetic book. Scott offers sound advice for those who have not yet made the decision of whether or not to have children. She also provides extensive information and resources, including books, groups and websites. Overall, Scott’s view is that we need to learn to accept each other, no matter what our choices are regarding parenthood, and this book is a good step in that direction. If you changed the theme from childfree to childless by marriage, this is the type of book I originally set out to write, although mine has changed in scope over time. Check it out.

Sex and No Baby

Sue Fagalde Lick childlessness, Sex and the City

I just saw the second “Sex and the City” movie last weekend. To those who criticize its total lack of redeeming social value, I say, what’s wrong with just having fun? But beyond that, it really grabbed my attention when the question of whether or not to have children came up. If you haven’t seen the movie, I hope I’m not spoiling anything. Early in the movie, Mr. Big asks Carrie if she wants to have children, and she says she doesn’t think so. Throughout the movie, she makes a point of their marriage being just the two of them forever. One couple reacts rather badly when she tells them that they aren’t having children. I wonder now if Carrie says she doesn’t want kids because she’s pretty sure Big doesn’t want them.

We can all guess what Samantha’s views on motherhood would be: forget about it. Charlotte and Miranda both have kids. So we see at least two sides of the question of whether or not to be parents and how it affects one’s life.

Is “Sex and the City” unrealistic and over the top? You bet. It’s sheer fantasy. But even here, our characters come up against those who believe that the next step after marriage must be motherhood.

Comments?

Beware of those easy answers

Sue Fagalde Lick Uncategorized

I was reading a question put online by a woman who is 40, childless and married to a man who doesn’t want kids. She says it’s too late for her to get pregnant. What should she do? She sounded really heart-broken. I’m betting none of the answers given will ease her pain much. It’s so simple for folks not in this situation to tell us what to do. It’s very likely this woman already thought of all possibilities suggested and knows why they might not work for her.

Commenters offered this advice:

You’re not too old to get pregnant. Maybe yes, maybe no. It is harder when you’re over 40, and the problem with the husband remains.

Adopt. First, a husband who doesn’t want to father his own child probably doesn’t want to adopt someone else’s. Second, many adoption agencies have age limits.

Get a dog or cat. Well, that helps some, but it’s not the same.

Get counseling. Maybe you’re depressed. Perhaps, but not having children (when you want them) is a loss and she should be allowed to grieve. It can help to talk about it with a therapist, but it doesn’t solve the underlying problem.

Talk to your husband. Maybe she has, and he is not going to change his mind. If she hasn’t told him exactly how she feels, she should tell him and see if they can work out a solution that makes both of them happy.

Leave the bum. Maybe she loves him and wants to spend the rest of her life with him. She just wants to have children, too.

Judging by the comments we get here, I suspect many of you already understand the dilemma. There are no easy answers. Someone has to sacrifice, and it’s going to hurt. The best hope is to make a decision and try to find peace with that decision.

One of those dreams

Sue Fagalde Lick baby dreams, childless

I had another baby dream. I was having babies, twins, a boy and a girl. I went to the hospital and was escorted to a birthing room. A doctor gave me a shot that numbed my legs. I realized I didn’t have anything at home for the babies, nor would they fit in my car. My husband had picked out names I didn’t like. But he wouldn’t listen to me.

A friend came in, and I showed her the babies by shining a flashlight on my belly. You could clearly see them, the girl facing me, the boy facing away. I could see their hearts glowing red. The girl talked to me in plain English.

All the staff went away. I felt the boy start coming out. I screamed for help, but nobody came. I was trying to hold the baby in when I woke up and realized there was no baby. Again.

Over the years, I have had lots of baby dreams, most of them not quite this strange. But I wake up certain that my breasts are full of milk. I feel my flat belly and can’t believe there’s no baby in there.

Do you have dreams like this? Do they ever stop? Do mothers have this kind of dreams, too?

On the Other Hand . . .

Sue Fagalde Lick losing a child

Last weekend I played piano at the funeral of a 44-year-old man who died suddenly of the flu. Apparently it was the Swine Flu. His mother, Johanna, sings in our church choir. It would be bad enough to lose one son, but this was the third son who had died. Her husband also passed away a few years ago. She does have three daughters and some grandchildren left, but she lives alone. I can’t even imagine how anyone can bear so many losses. At least we who have never had children will not have to deal with losing them. That is a blessing of sorts.

Most people who don’t have children band together with friends or family to be their companions and their support. Johanna is doing this. But her pain is immense. Let’s remember her in our prayers.

Taking care of "Mom"

Sue Fagalde Lick childless women in old age, nursing home

My husband’s nursing home invited families to a meeting Saturday to bring them up to date on what’s been happening with the company and talk about issues such as security, finances and a new system for ordering adult diapers. The staff served a wonderful brunch in the cozy lobby. As I looked around the room, I noticed two things: I was the youngest spouse in the room, and half the people there were children of two of the residents. They came as teams, working together to make sure “Mom” has everything she needs. The residents didn’t even know we were there. We were working behind the scenes. And I wondered, who will be on the outside advocating for me if, God forbid, I wind up in a care home without enough healthy brain cells to watch out for myself?

One can argue that people’s children don’t always step up when they’re needed. They may live far away, be too busy or just not feel up to the task. I know that’s true. Fred’s children don’t get involved in his care. You hope your spouse will be around, but it’s all a roll of the dice. Who’s going to make sure you have enough Depends in your drawer?

In modern Western society, we don’t bear children for the purpose of taking care of us in our old age, but it sure is nice when they do. If you still have time to make the decision to have children or not have them, think about that.

We’ll never be chosen

Sue Fagalde Lick Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, reality shows, Wife Swap

Dear friends,
Thank you so much for the heartfelt comments you have been making at this site over the last couple weeks. I know it isn’t always easy to share, but it helps all of us to know we’re not alone.

Now, just for fun, last night as I was preparing to paint my den, “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” came on TV. It’s a pretty good show, except for all the yelling. But it occurred to me as I worked on my tired old house that I will never be chosen for an extreme home makeover. Why? No kids. Have you noticed that every single family on that show has children?

What other reality shows will we not be on? The “Supernanny,” of course, although we could qualify for “The Dog Whisperer”. “Wife Swap” is out. We may be wives, but again, all the people chosen have children. We could be on “American Idol”. We could do “Survivor” or “The Amazing Race”. If we’re young and gorgeous and looking for fame, we could be on “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette”, but no “Extreme Makeover”, at least not the home edition. We might need personal beauty makeovers, but when you get to my age, it’s usually the daughter who outs her mom, so I’m safe.

As I write this now, my den is gleaming with new “vanilla custard” paint. I feel proud, even though my back is killing me and I have paint in my hair. New carpet next. I can’t imagine my mother doing anything like this when she was my age. Does that have anything to do with being childless? I wonder.

Did you know this?

Sue Fagalde Lick childlessness and arthritis, childlessness and osteoporosis

Women who have not had children are more at risk for several health problems. Among them are osteoporosis and arthritis. Apparently the hormonal and cellular changes that come with pregnancy offer some protection against these ailments. Previous studies have shown that arthritis in particular affects more childless women. A new study just released backs that up. Researchers at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center and the University of Washington in Seattle studied nearly 2,000 women and found that those who had had at least one child were 39 percent less likely to have rheumatoid arthritis. They’re not sure why but suggest that fetal cells transmitted to the mother during pregnancy help lower the risk. Read Reuters’ report on this study at http://www.reuters.com/assets/print?aid=USTRE6303C820100401.

Before you panic, remember all the health problems that can occur with pregnancy and childbirth and count your blessings.

Have you noticed any physical differences between yourself and your friends or relatives who have children? Let’s talk about it.