Is it possible for a relationship to work when one partner wants children and the other doesn’t? This is the question that is still resonating in my head days after I finished reading Kidfree & Lovin’ It (reviewed Jan. 2). The opinion of most of the people author Kaye D. Walters surveyed is that this is a deal-breaker, that compromise is impossible, that the relationship is doomed. They say it is better to break up than to have a child you don’t want—or force a child on someone who doesn’t want to have children. Don’t date, don’t marry, don’t pretend it’s okay; it won’t work.
Walters urges couples to think it through and be sure of what they want. “Don’t just end a perfectly good relationship without first examining your means and motivations on the kid issue.” She offers lists of reasons to procreate and suggests that some of them are pretty shaky and perhaps one might not be a good parent after all. But in the end, like the people she surveyed, she seems to lean toward ending the relationship.
This issue is at the heart of my Childless by Marriage blog and book. It’s an issue that most books about childlessness (see my resource list) pay minimal attention to. But it’s a big one. If my first husband had been willing and ready to have children, I’d be a grandmother now. If my second had been willing to add more children to the three he already had and if he had not had a vasectomy, I’d have grown children and maybe grandchildren now. If I had dumped either one because I wanted to have children and they didn’t, my life would have been completely different.
I am childless because I married these men and stayed with them. The first marriage ended for other reasons, but the second husband was a keeper. We lasted three weeks shy of 26 years. If Fred hadn’t died, we’d still be together. He was the perfect mate for me in every other way. And maybe, if I truthfully answer all of Walters’ soul-searching questions, I would find I was too devoted to my career to add motherhood to the mix. I wanted children, and I wish I’d had them. BUT I loved Fred and knew I would never find a better husband. Should I have left him and hoped to find someone else, maybe someone not as good but who was willing to have babies with me? Am I a fool because I sacrificed motherhood for these men?
That’s the big question that many of the people who comment here are facing: stay with the partner or spouse who doesn’t want kids or try to find someone else? What do you think? Is a relationship doomed if you disagree on this issue? Is it all right to sacrifice something this big for the one you love? There are always compromises in a relationship. People give up their careers, move far away from home, or take care of disabled spouses, but is this too much to ask?
I really want to know what you think.
Childless by Marriage 
There is a mother inside every woman. That truth is written into our very bodies — whether or not we ever bear children.Not everyone is a “natural mother” in terms of having the patience and stamina to tend to the needs of a child. But spiritual motherhood — finding ways to nurture both physical and spiritual life — is at the heart of womanhood. I cannot say how God intends you to use your particular “feminine genius,” but it's there.For Catholics (I'm not sure what faith background you have, this is my tradition), a willingness to welcome children into a home is a condition of the sacrament of marriage. If either partner is unwilling to do so, the marriage is not considered a true sacrament because it is “sterile” by intention. (Obviously this has nothing to do with the legality of the union, or the legitimacy of the children.) It is grounds for annulment.It sounds like your second husband was a good man, and that you loved him very much. I'm sorry for your loss.
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Heidi,
Thank you for your comforting words. I am Catholic, too. I actually had my first marriage annulled on the basis of my ex-husband's refusal to have kids. Fred, my second husband, was a good man, and I'm missing him very much today.
I love that term “spiritual motherhood.” Thank you.
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You did what was right for you. Well done. Many people don't have the integrity to do this. I wish you all the best.
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Sue, I think you're a very special person for thinking about this issue the way you did. I occasionally drop by your blog because I am the ex-spouse of a person who left me because, at a somewhat younger age, I was still unsure of whether I wanted to have kids and he suddenly changed his mind and became all for it. Other than that, we had been perfect companions for each other — for example, in 10 years together, we had not had a single fight.It doesn't seem like many people think of it the way you and I do. My ex, for instance, seemed to freak out more than anything over the fact that he no longer had “the option” of having kids if he stayed with me. He made me feel awful — some “option” that had never mattered to him before and that wasn't necessarily the bed of roses he imagined it as had now eclipsed me in importance. The truth is, Fred was a known quantity while any child you may have had is not. And what you knew about Fred is that he was a great, kind, good soul and amazing partner for *you*. So why, then, would it be so unusual for you to choose Fred over kids? I think it may seem that way at least in part because societally we as women are certainly very pressured to have and want kids.I do want kids now (ironically, now that I'm divorced over this very reason), but I personally think the same way you do. If I find someone else who is perfect for me and he doesn't want them, then have them we will not. Because what it comes down to is these close, bonded relationships you have with other human beings. Who is to say that the relationship with your child would be good enough to eschew a relationship with this already existent person? I see people out there who have a lot of difficulties with their kids.It seems, btw, that you have your up and your down days in dealing with this. So, with apologies for my long comment, for the New Year, I wish you way more of the “up” days, because you are obviously a fabulous lady.
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Anon and Anon,
Thank you so much for your kind words. It is a tricky thing, isn't it? No relationship is perfect, but whether or not to have kids is probably the biggest decision to make and if you don't agree, there's no easy solution. And people do change their minds. That's natural. I wish you all the best, too.
I do have my ups and downs, but these days, I miss my husband much more than any children I might have had. And when I miss them both. . . I cuss a lot. My only New Year's resolution is to curse less.
Take care.
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I feel for Anon at 4:40. What a cruel turn of events to have the perfect relationship terminated because you did not want children.
I am working on a difficult 10 year marriage to a man I care about very deeply. His past issues (terrible self esteem, alcoholism, etc.) seemed to keep us from having a family. After meaningful therapy those issues are being replaced by wonderful things. Still, it's a long road. Now that I'm of a certain age I find us working closer to having a family but guess what – time is running out. So I lament often about the situation. Since I do not have a burning desire to have children (like some) I find myself comforted by “God's Plan”. If it's meant to happen He will make it so. Some days I don't feel that calmness though which is why I visit.
I find it hard to imagine someone leaving a spouse simply because the other does not want to have children. If you married for love how can one discard that? I suppose the lure of family life is too great for some. Still, I wonder – what if Anon 4:40 had a health reason that made family planning impossible? Do you think he still would have left?
I'm curious to know more about Anon 4:40. Are you happily remarried and working toward a family? Is your ex remarried with children? How old are you at this point? I don't mean to be nosy – just curious on how life unfolds for people. It's often in ways we do not expect.
Anon S
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This is “Anon 4:40”. I honestly don't know how my ex got so into the idea of having kids, but I see that it happens to a lot of people. I've wondered about the thing you bring up with the health reason preventing kids, enough to do some reading on it. Almost every opinion I've seen seems to agree that emotionally those are two different things, I guess because one is based on a choice while the other is not. At the point where the two scenarios have the same result though — aka, no kids — I also wonder, how can the love between the two people be discounted so much? To answer your questions, neither of us is remarried. While he has a serious girlfriend currently, I am completely single (of course…haha). We married young, at 26, after having been together 4 years before that. Our split happened when we were 32, and we are now 35. As for your phrasing of “working toward a family,” I'm not going to do actively do that. Kind of like you, I plan on letting God do his thing — if I do find someone who truly lights my fire in every sense, that is (and for me, *that* is the absolute requirement for getting remarried, not kids!). As for your situation, you sound like such a strong person and I wish you even more strength to continue to more forward.
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I did not want to end my relationship with my husband even though he changed his mind about having more children. I do get upset from time to time that he changed his mind but the marriage is good outside of that fact.
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I think it all depends on the relationship you have with your partner. Doubleme, you and I were lucky to find good husbands. That's quite a gift in itself. It would have been nice to have kids, but that wasn't in the plans for us, I guess. Take care.
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To Anon 4:40Thanks for sharing. So any hope of reconciling now that you both want children? Or has too much taken place to “go back”?Thanks for your kind words. I wouldn't say I'm any stronger. You've had to endure a lot as well. Not only that, you seem much more optimistic than me. I'm 38 and I feel like I'm waving goodbye to the children boat. That I could still leap in the water and catch up (if I swim really, really fast). But mostly trying to come to terms with the idea that I probably won't be a mother.I'm 38. I think back to all the times when I felt old. After several years I look back and think that I was so young. I'm hoping that I will be one of those late bloomers. Perhaps I'll “give up” and then find myself having children in my early 40's and I'll laugh when I think about this time in my life and how I thought it was all slipping away.I suppose anything is possible.On a Catholic note, the irony of my first marriage just occurred to me. That union was annulled on the grounds that my first husband wouldn't raise any children in the Catholic faith. This along with other reasons led to the end of the marriage. But that issue served as a vehicle for an easy annulment. Fast forward several years and who becomes the newest member of my parish? Well, my ex-husband and his new girlfriend of course. He was taking classes to become a full member of the Catholic faith. I watched that Easter as he was baptized with his lovely new fiancee at his side. Soon after, he married her in a full Catholic ceremony and after that he had two beautiful children with her, who are of course Catholic. They have since moved to another parish, but it still stings that he was willing to convert for her but not me. I especially remember having a conversation with someone else who was in his class. She didn't know I had been married to this man and she was just sharing her experience. She told me how passionate he was about converting and how he immersed himself in the process. That he was an inspiration. Bah. I found it in my heart to be happy he found faith, but it wasn't at all easy to watch his baptism.Anon S
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Wow, Anon S., that must have been so hard. Thank you for sharing this. My first husband was Catholic but didn't care about it. His refusal to have kids got me my easy annulment. My second was not Catholic and was very clear that he would never convert. But to have your ex be baptized with his new fiancee at his side . . . I admire your strength.
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Thanks Sue. Actually I was already married at this point so it wasn't as hard as you'd think. Yes, it touched a nerve and I will admit to shedding some tears of frustration and rejection. But our marriage ended for other reasons and enough time had passed and that took some sting out of it. Still, he was a wonderful person. He also has a beautiful singing voice and later often cantored at mass. Those masses were harder to sit through. There he was, singing (yes, singing!) the words he refused to pray with me. Leading the worship almost. In front of everyone. By then my current marriage was getting rough. It was very painful to listen to this kind man singing songs of comfort and to know he was no longer mine and perhaps I had made a grave mistake.I married my current husband in part because he is Catholic and we share the same views. I figured we'd avoid those same problems. However, he's only as devout as I expect him be. I'm “in charge” of the religious portion of our life. This also frustrates me as sometimes I don't want to go to mass (and don't). Sometimes I do not have Christian feelings. Sometimes I don't want to pray. I wish he cared enough about our faith to encourage me when I need it. Sigh. Someday it will all make sense. In the meantime it's wonderful to have this place to vent and share. THANK YOU for that, Sue!Anon S
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Hi Everyone, It was nice to read your posts. In regards to your question, Sue, on whether a relationship is doomed or not if you disagree on having children, I definitely agree with most of you when you say that life is an endless box of surprises and you don't know what is going to happen. I came across your blog because I find myself at 34 trying to decide what I want to do about children. I find myself quite fortunate to have actually thought about making a decision instead of plotting along and doing the next thing, which is to have kids. I have been looking for reasons not to have a child and reasons to have a child, but unfortunately I haven't found much on the latter one. The ones I have found don't seem to be very good reasons in my opinion. I know that when people already have kids they realize that is the best decision ever, but you kind of do have to get there without having thought about it in the first place. Anyway, my partner and I have been together for three years and we are getting married this year. He has a child from a previous marriage, and he is an amazing kid. We get along very well and we love the life we have together. My partner decided after his son was born that he had had enough and didn't want to have more children in the future. I on the other hand had never really thought about it too much. Just the occasional time here and there when all my friends were having babies. And then NOW :). My stepson is going to school in two weeks and I have felt the need for a child of my own, but I'm not quite sure if it's to replace the one that has grown, which then wouldn't be a very good reason. At some point in our relationship, my partner said he'd do it for me, but I also didn't want that. So is our relationship doomed? I don't think so. Not once have I thought of leaving him because he won't have a child. We are very happy together and we wouldn't want things to change between us. So I am here reading what people have to say, doing my homework 🙂 But I think my partner and I need to work everything in our lives together and this is one of them. No matter what happens we need to come to a decision together. My commitment is to us, to our relationship and not to a baby we don't have. I understand that some people leave their partners when one of them doesn't want children, but my guess is that there is something more to it. It's been shaky for a while and that might be the last thing that brings it all apart. The reason I am saying this is because why would anyone marry someone if they knew that they wanted something completely different from them? If you really want to have a child and if you have always wanted that, I am sure that everyone around you would notice and a man that has made the decision not to wouldn't come anywhere near you. So think about it. If you love your partner, why would you leave them? I am sure you both have excellent reasons to support your position, but the whole point of a relationship is to compromise and deal with everything on the way together. I am sorry for those people who have been told a different story and right after getting married the real “thing” comes out. That wasn't a very honest thing to do and therefore I don't believe this person deserved you in the first place. Life does things in funny ways and I think that we just need to let it be. Not find ourselves at 40 and start rushing to have a baby just because everyone else is doing it. Having children I believe is a choice. So wouldn't it be absolutely wonderful to be able to tell your children afterwards that you gave them a good think and that you were absolutely sure you wanted them and not that they were the product of a hormonal urge or an unplanned pregnancy?Luce
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There's a lot of wisdom in your comments, Luce. Thank you for sharing them. I think you make a key point when you note that if the marriage falls apart based on this issue, it probably had other problems. I know that was the case for me. I admire you for really thinking about children and not just letting yourself be swayed by what's easiest or what everyone else is doing. I wish you all the best.
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I just had this conversation/fight with my husband. However, roles are reversed, I am the one questioning whether I want kids and he definitely wants them. I love kids, my friends’ kids, our neighbors’ kids, any kid. I am very good with kids and I would be a good mother. However, knowing I would be a good mother is different from wanting them. I just don't know if I do. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and together for a total of 10 years. I always thought the desire to have kids would come, I fully expected it to. I'm 30 now and that was the time frame we agreed to when we got married. At 25, I thought 30 would be a great time to have a baby. it was all so logical, married long enough, had our fun, careers in order, home purchased, etc. While everything is where it should be (home, career), I'm still not ready. I don't have that “I need to be a mom” gene. Where it is? I WANT to have it, but I don't. So I’m asking him for more time, another year to be just us and then I'll bite the bullet and have a baby.The fight tonight came down to what if I never want kids.It's a valid question. I want another year, and “I'll bite the bullet.” those were my words. Because I don't want to be with anyone but my husband, I love him so much. And I really want to want to have kids for his sake and ours. I cannot accept losing him, so I'll do it, if that's the ultimatum. But he won't give me the ultimatum, he wants me to want a child for myself, for my happiness. So he wants me to decide what to do. He'll be unhappy in our marriage but he'll stay in our unhappy marriage. And if I have the baby now, when I’m clearly not ready, what if I'm the unhappy one? And I know you’re thinking poor kid (if we have a kid), but I honestly have faith in myself to love this child. It’s not their fault I’m so messed up. So they wont know that they weren’t wanted, because when they’re here they here with us, they will be loved by me.Anyway, I also felt the need to rant to clear my head. So I am grateful to find this piece online. I'm sure within the next year I'll be pregnant. And I will love my child.
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Thank you for sharing this, Anonymous. It's almost taboo in our society to say you're less than thrilled about having a baby, but I'm sure you express the feelings of many people. I wish you all the best.
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HiI have been reading this blog for days and it has been a huge source of comfort to me. Two years ago at age 40, a friend invited me to Melbourne. As I had just been made redundant in the UK, I went and spent seven amazing weeks with someone who I knew by day 4 was the right one for me. He came to the UK shortly after and we started to plan a future. He is divorced with two girls 14 and 15, so being with him meant moving from the UK and leaving everything behind. At the very beginning and many times since, I asked if he was open to having more kids and he always said yes. If he had said no, I would have ended the relationship. Although I was never desperate to have children and truly understand that at my age it will be very difficult if not impossible, I would not have pursued a relationship where not having them was a condition. It took a long time to decide I was willing to make the move, but I came back to see him in December and have been in Melbourne since then. The entire trip has been overshadowed by him telling me he doesn't want any more kids. So having just got my head around the idea of leaving my home, friends and family, I now have this. I am 42 now, so my chances of meeting someone else and having a family are slim. However I just don't feel I can accept this. His kids are his life and I can't see how I can watch them play happy families forever, knowing he would not do that with me. I also can't accept that he could love me yet deny me the thing that has brought him the most joy to his life. I just can't reconcile it. I am due to go home in a few weeks and finally dared to try to get an answer to this question. He chose to lose me rather than even entertain the possibility of a family. I just feel as though I have to sacrifice everything and he will compromise on nothing. I am interested in the comments on here because nobody seems angry. The general consensus is that it was better to stay with them than leave. I'm not sure how you get to a place where you can do that. My anger at being misled so badly (we spoke about names for the kids) and the lack of choice that has been imposed on me – him or the chance to try for kids -is so furious I don't quite know what to do with it.It's an awful situation for anyone to be in and I know it's not just me.
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Jo, you have every right to be furious. It's bait and switch. I don't know if they use that term there, but it refers to when a merchant lures you in with a sale on one great thing, then tries to sell you something else when you get there. It's a scam. It sounds like your guy is firm on his decision. You gave him the ultimatum, and he chose not to have children with you. Now it's up to you to figure out whether you still want to be with him and whether his children might be enough. Sometimes they are, and sometimes the stepchildren just add to the pain. I wish I could tell you what to do, but you know what I did. I married the guy, thinking that somehow things would change. They didn't, but I have never met anyone else I would rather have married. I'd like to hear what some of our other readers have to say. Keep coming back. We know what you're going through, and we care. Sue
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I stumbled upon this blog today while searching the Internet in hopes of finding information regarding my situation. I am 41 years old, never been married and I do not have any children. My choice to delay marriage and childbearing was not intentional; it was circumstantial. Finally I have found my Prince Charming, my other half, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. My boyfriend is 44 years old, has never been married and has 2 daughters. His oldest is 16 years old and his youngest is 8 years old. He explicitly made it clear when we began dating that he does not want any more children because finally his youngest is at the age where she does not need him as much and he wants to travel and see the world. He also stated he cannot picture himself 50 years old and running after a child.His 2 daughters do not have the same mother. The oldest one was a result of a one night stand and he was not told about it until she was 4 years old. The youngest one's mother told him she could not get pregnant. He intended to marry her, but as soon as she got pregnant her true colors showed. He is a phenomenal father who makes numerous sacrifices for his children, but the relationships with the mothers are not good at all.Two days ago, after a talk to my best friend over the weekend, I realized that having a child with someone I love, respect and care for has been all I've ever wanted and its not a dream I'm willing to abandon unless I run into fertility issues. Even now with the 2 children he has, I resent the fact he has a connection of sharing children with these 2 women yet is not willing to share the experience with me.I am heartbroken, but I know it's for the best.
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Anonymous, I'm so sorry. It sounds like your choice is pretty clear. Stay with him and accept not having children or find someone else. That's harsh, but it's the reality. Personally I don't have any problem with a man running after a child when he's 50. I just watched a man considerably older than that cuddling a baby at the post office and it was the sweetest thing ever. But you can't make other people do what you want, at least not without ruining the relationship. I hope you both can find peace with this.
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The first thing in determining whether or not having children is a deal breaker is how adamantly each person feels about that decision. Some people are open, some are more adamant. I do believe that any relationship where one partner adamantly wants children and another partner adamantly does not will ultimately fail, but not because these are irreconcilable visions. Ultimately, there is no logical reason to want or not want children. Our desires are barometers of deeper things going on within ourselves. Even if a couple disagrees on that particular question and decides to ignore it, something else will come up to end the relationship, and there will be a common thread between what ended the relationship and the difference of opinion on having children.
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Anonymous,
Thank you. This is a very wise and true comment. If you disagree about something so important, there are bound to be other problems because you don't see the world the same way.
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This is what I am going through now. Together 7 years, married for 1. He had two kids from his first marriage, I have zero from my first marriage. I have always always always wanted one of my own. I feel 'broken' or less whole thinking that he now doesn't want to have one with me anymore. He said he is just done
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Amanda, this is such a familiar story. I'm sorry it's happening to you. From his point of view, I suppose he's just being honest about he feels. He has his two kids and that's enough for him, but it's not enough for you. Keep working on him. Maybe there's time to change his mind.
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He is 100% sure he is done. Now he feels he is 'not enough' for me. Funny because I feel I am 'not good enough' to have kids with. Leave or stay is the question. I have no answer. I am losing sleep, not eating over this. I truly don't know what to do. This is so hard.
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Amanda, I'm so sorry. I can't answer your leave or stay question, of course. Nobody can do that but you, and it is hard. It's impossible. My suggestion is to try some time apart, and see how you feel. Then maybe you'll have an answer. I wish you the best.
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Sue,Thank you for writing this. I'm currently under the situation where my husband wants kids but I don't. We've been together for 13 years. Since we started our relationship so young, we never talked about the question of having kids. But recently I think as more and more of his friends are having kids, he starts to want them very badly. The pressure on me was so great that I went into a deep depression and was hospitalized for three weeks last year. Now I'm in remission with my depression, but the question remains unresolved. At the height of my depression, I felt suicidal if he'd leave me but now I'm re-questioning the validity of this feeling. The thing is he's mentioned over and over that he does not see a maternal nature in me. When I see kids, I always just wanted to avoid them instead of trying to interact with them. I brought up the possibility of having an adoption but he adamantly denies that because he doesn't believe I will be a good mother. Yet he pressures me to become pregnant because he wants to procreate and that I will be more likely to be a good mother if it's my own. Nothing makes sense to me.I'm seriously considering that ending the marriage will be better for both of us. But it's so hard to throw away what we've built together for 13 years. We've been through so much and now financially we are well off and it's really the time to enjoy life.Why must life be a constant struggle?
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Dear Anonymous Jan. 13,
Why must life be a constant struggle? A think a lot of us ask that question. Only God knows the answer, but if you look closely, there are good parts in between the bad ones. I'm so sorry you and your husband have come to this painful place. It doesn't quite make sense. He doesn't think you'd be a good mother, but he wants you to have children? Huh? And what do you want? Much more talking needed here. You might want to try counseling to work this out. I wish you all the best.
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I am a mother of a 14 year old who is the light of my life, I am divorced from her father and although it wasn't a good marriage I have never regretted having her with my ex. I yearned for a child and the yearning was so strong that I went ahead and had her with a man who was totally wrong for me. I felt at 28 time was running out (I was young & with hindsight it wasn't; I was a baby!) he didn't really want kids and only agreed when I was about to walk out as my need to be a mother outweighed my need to be married to him. I should have walked. He refused to have any more kids and I adored being a mum. That was my punishment for staying. It all put a huge strain on an already shaky marriage and we divorced 10 years later. However, my life would be incomplete without my daughter, she smiles and my heart melts. I understand the anguish that not having a child can cause to an individual and a relationship. Fast forward to now and I am 42 and happily engaged to my soul mate. He happens to be 28 yrs old & childless (ring any bells?) he said from the beginning he didn't want children this is why we became serious. 12 months after getting engaged he now tells me he really wants kids, I look into his eyes and I recognise the same longing that I once had at that very same age. I adore children and can't wait for grandchildren, but I cannot imagine being a mum again in my mid 40's. Time has truly run out this time. Every day I wish I could turn back time and meet this man when I was younger and we would have lots of children together & live happily ever after. I cannot bear to deny him something that has completed my life, I love my fiance so much, but I can't have a child to please him and I can't expect him to stay with me and be childless. Every day I question my love for him. If I loved him, surely I would give him at least one child. It’s destroying our once perfect relationship. One friend pointed out that I managed to have a child with my ex, who wasn't a nice person so why am I punishing my wonderful fiance? I feel selfish and insecure. After having one failed marriage, I would not put my daughter or myself through the trauma of another. Kahlil Gibran said “If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.” if you love someone, you have to be prepared to let them go and be the best that they can be – even if this is without you. My fiance will make an amazing dad someday and he'll be a loving, attentive wonderful husband. It just won't be with me. Just thinking about him having kids and growing old with someone else breaks my heart, but not as much as if he stayed with me and every time he looked at me he resented me for ruining his life. I didn't want all that to come across as depressing or feeling sorry for myself. It was meant to be hopeful and insightful. Maybe I still have some way to go with it all though!
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Anonymous Jan. 28,
Thank you for sharing this. I'm so sorry it has come to such a difficult place now. The truth is you would probably have a hard time getting pregnant at 42, so it might not be your decision to make. But it shows an awful lot of love and strength to be willing to let your soul mate go so he can be a father with someone else.
You have a given us a lot to think about here. I wish you all the best.
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I'm in the same position as many. I am soon to be 30 years old. My boyfriend is 43. We have been together for over 5 years. I can honestly say that I have never loved someone as much as I love this man. We have been living together for the past 2 years. We get along perfectly, laugh all the time, and genuinely enjoy each other's company. He is divorced, with a teenage son who is absolutely wonderful. I've never been married, nor had any children. This past summer, he told me that he didn't want to have children anymore. He originally did, but says he has been feeling very old recently and can't imagine having a baby. The life I've been envisioning with him has been shattered. I'm devastated. Heartbroken. Questioning life's cruel curve balls. A mess. I can't picture not being with him. I can't picture not having children . . .
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Anon Jan. 28, I'm so sorry. This reminds me so much of my own story. There is still hope he will change his mind. Keep talking. I wish you all the best.
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I need a little help as well. My fiance and I have been engaged for several years now. He is fixing to graduate with his Masters in college, and there is a possibility that we will be moving. We have touched on the subject of kids in the past and recently, and we always end up arguing. He told me that I am worth the risk, meaning if I don't have kids later, then I am worth sticking around with right now. However, if I don't have kids later, then we will need to go our separate ways. I already struggle with a bad childhood of no security and stability and want desperately to feel like I am in a secure place. I love my fiance to death, but I have become very depressed with this thought, pretty much this seed of doubt. Growing up, I never wanted kids, I am now 27 yrs old and still don't. This might change in the future. Possibly? I don't know, but it is almost like I have been given this time limit and within the next five years, if I don't want kids, I am pretty much out of the picture. Please help. This really hurts. We have already bought a house together, worked out our finances and everything, and yet now I feel so incredibly broken, like I am not enough or won't be enough for him.
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KM, Right now I want to throttle your fiance for saying that. How can he hold motherhood over your head like that? What if you were unable to have children? Would that give him the right to divorce you? If he means it, he needs to go his separate way now, not hold that threat over your head for God knows how many years. Have a baby or else? I know you're in terrible pain right now, but you need to get this settled before this relationship goes any farther. I hate that this has happened to you, and I pray you'll work it out.
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He did mention that if I physically wasn't able to have kids, he would go with a surrogate mother. He pretty much wants to have kids one way or another. He is a wonderful man, but I want nothing more than to know that I am more than enough for one person that I love to stay with me forever, even there is a possibility I won't have kids later. This hurts something fierce to feel this now when we have been through so much. We were going to get married in 2012, but he called it off due to the possibility that I might not have kids in the future. I somewhat feel that I am near a breaking point, and possibly that this living in doubt is not what I want in my life. I just fear that I will make a big mistake by breaking it off with him.
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KM,
It sounds like either you have kids with him, or you lose him, not a great choice when you don't really want to have children. I hope you have somebody to talk with about this, friend, family, pastor, counselor, somebody who can help you sort it out. The fact that you called it off before seems like a red flag. Nobody can live in doubt for long and stay healthy. I wish you a peaceful resolution.
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I stumbled across this blog today and have taken some comfort from all your experiences. I'm 45, my boyfriend is 46. He has two children, 16 & 18; I have none. When we met more than 8 months ago, he said he was “not necessarily opposed” to having another child. I knew that it was a long shot anyway at my age, but I did want the chance to try at some point. Then, two months ago, I discovered I was pregnant (I had thought it was menopause due to changes in my period). It ended in miscarriage after 8 weeks, but I was THRILLED that I could even get pregnant at 45. He was supportive throughout, which I took as a good sign. He loves kids and babies, and I was overjoyed that I had in my life this wonderful, caring man. I know my chances are slim for a natural pregnancy to term (the only way I want to do it – God willing), but I looked forward to giving it another try soon. Today he informed me that he's decided he doesn't want another child. He now feels it will “change everything” and not for the better. When I said that I might then need to end the relationship, he made me feel guilty that I must not love him if I only want to be with him if he wants a child. I think it's a conflict of values – a family life is my utmost goal, and also I think he already has fulfilled his dream of children, so he has what he wants, yet he isn't willing to share the dream with me, to enable me to have the same happiness as he has. I see many here have spoken for keeping the man and giving up the idea of a child, but I can't help but feel cheated. Is he being selfish? Am I? I don't see a solution, and am heartbroken.Thank you for any insight/comments…
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Andie, yikes. Your story sounded so good until he did the no-kids flip. I think you're not finished talking about this, and I pray he'll understand that it could be such a wonderful, miraculous thing if you could have a baby.
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Wow! I am writing an essay on what are the benefits of having or not having a child with my husband. Since this is my second marriage and I already have two from the first at the young age of 25, you could say I am very weary of this idea. Mainly because I am successfully in a career that I enjoy, and a child could possibly take that away from me. When my husband and I were dating, he confessed that his dream was probably the most stupid thing he could say. I urged him to tell me otherwise. His dream was to have a family and a baby of his own. Now I thought that was not a silly thing to dream of. After all, that was what he dreamed. When I confessed later that I really did not want another child, I felt the urge to pick up and take flight. I told him I knew that this was a make it or break it in relationships and I was worried if we kept going I would only lead him on. I could not be the one to take the joy of family away from him in his young age of 21. He surprised me with his reply. He told me, “If a baby is all that keeps us from being together, then I don't need one.” It saddened my heart to hear him sacrifice his dream just to be with me.Although it may seem like my answer was a hard no and that I don't want any more children, I have willingly considered giving him his dream. I know how great he is to my children, that are not his blood. I have no fear that he would not take care of us through what ever roller coaster we are thrown.
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Anon, Thanks for sharing this. It proves that it's not just men who go into a marriage already having children and not wanting more. This is a difficult situation, and I hope you can figure it out. It comes down to which one of you is going to sacrifice your dream. Tough decision.
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Thank you anonymous 28 Jan. Your post was hopeful and insightful!I am 3 weeks down the road of separating from my partner (37) of 4 1/2 years. When we first got together, we both wanted to get married and have 4 children. After a year, we went overseas traveling and he starting saying he didn't want children. I thought it was because we were traveling and with loads of people in their early 20's. But when we got back, he was still saying that he didn't want children. I thought he just wasn't ready and we kept getting more fur children.Well after I don't know how many conversations, he admits that he doesn't want to be like this dad. It was a look of surprise when it came out of his mouth. He didn't and still doesn't have a wonderful relationship with his dad. I just wish he could see himself through my eyes and what a brilliant father he would make. He is wonderful with his niece and nephews. And has so much to offer a child..I just want my life back! And the one we planned….the only problem is my plan had children in it and his didn't!The only thing that I am certain of is I was born to be a mother. I have been maternal since I was very young. I am 32 and scared that I won't meet another love and have a child.
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Alli,
I'm sorry it has come to this for you, especially when you both agreed at first that you wanted the same things. And now he has changed his mind. It sounds like if he could accept that he can be different from his father, he might still be convinced to have kids. But now you are separated, and I'm sure you're both hurting. I hope you can find peace and the life you always wanted.
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Hi, I am 42 , my husband is 41. We've been married for just over 5 years. I have 2 grown-up children aged 22 & 18 from a previous awful relationship.My husband and I had an incredible marriage. We never argued, always respected each other and loved each other very very deeply. Two months ago, he left me!!He does not want to be 60 and never have become a father. I understand how he feels but he refuses to acknowledge how I feel. I was a teenage mum and have spent my entire adult life looking after kids and he wants me to go right back to the beginning and start again. He can't see what my problem is. He just says I don't love him enough. If I did, I would make the sacrifice for him. He says that I have “rejected” him. Now I am completely devastated, I can't eat, sleep and can hardly get up in the morning, which is a problem because I run my own business with other people relying on me.I really thought this man would “never leave me,” “couldn't live without me” and we would grow old together. I even came off birth control and was prepared to take the chance for him, but nothing has happened. I've just been dumped anyway.I need to know if I will ever see an end to this pain?
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Oh BetsyB, I am so sorry this happened to you. I can totally see both sides and there's pain no matter how you look at it. It seems like your husband waited too long to realize he had to be a dad. At 42, your odds of pregnancy aren't great. It's going to hurt bad for a long time, I think, but it will get easier with time. Meanwhile, I would encourage you to get into counseling to help you deal with the grief and figure out how to go on. Let the other people in your life know how you're feeling and let them help you. You're in my prayers.
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I am in a similar situation as Anonymous, Jan 28. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years and just recently discussed getting engaged within the year. I am 30 and he is 39 and has been married once before. I have never known that I definitely wanted to have kids but just recently I have been feeling a stronger urge to seriously consider it. My boyfriend just told me that he 100% will not have kids and I need to seriously consider if that is okay with me because he is not “changing his mind.” He is the love of my life and I would never consider not being with him, but to hear him so vehemently say no to kids made me a little depressed. I am hoping that maybe one day he will consider it or my recently budding baby fever will subside. Thank you so much for your open blog!
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Anonymous March 26, At least you know now and not after you've been married for a few years. Now you have to decide whether you can really live with his decision. I wish you all the best.
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All these comments have connected with me tremendously. I am about to marry the love of my life in one month. He has two kids from his first marriage (8 & 12). The oldest was a mistake, but he married his first wife to do the “right thing” and the second child of his was a product of his ex using him as a sperm bank. I understand he has issues there, especially with wanting them altogether. However, he mentioned a year ago that he wasn't sold on the idea of kids but that he would do it to make me happy. I have never wanted children until I met him, so naturally when I first met him, he knew I was not wanting kids. After living with his kids and seeing all the things I want to be a part of, but for myself as a mother, the desire to have a child is real and strong. We are such a strong couple that I know we could accomplish anything.After seeing a counselor for 4+ months on this issue, we have gone back and forth on it still, many with some knock-down drag-out fights. He sees it as too much work and I see him just wanting to enjoy his life, be lazy, and not have to raise children anymore. While I was willing to accept his answer of “yes,” it was hard to accept his “not wanting” it still. He told me before to give him time to be excited about it like I am and to want it. But my feeling about it was, “if you don't want it now, will you ever?” But it is hard to not get exited when I see couples with their young kids and see things that my fiance and I would be doing. All my friends and family have kids or are having kids and I seem to be the only one left. I get excited about some dreams, names, or even ideas, and he does not acknowledge them or comment on them usually (as we do not share the same wanting), which makes me feel like his “yes” is really a no and always has been/will be. After all, how can someone say they'll do something, but not be in it fully?I would hate to have him be in this just half and half. What if he ends up hating the baby? What if he ends up regretting that he sacrificed for me and therefore resent me? I want a full and meaningful yes so I can enjoy all the things that come along with planning a family and the dreams that accompany it. I feel like I missed out on so much being a stepmom and second wife — it's not fair to constantly get the short end of the stick when I put in so much time with his own kids. Losing this completely will break me. This morning he said officially that “I'm done. No, I don't want kids, but if anything changes, I'll let you know.” He was tired of the arguments about the subject and admitted that I could see through him and his false “yes's”.I can feel the grief creeping up already and I feel nauseous with emotional pain. I feel like he doesn't understand what I am going through. Should I call off the wedding? Or just accept this and move on? I feel like I've lost something that I've never had and the pain is overwhelming.
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Oh, Selina, how I hate what's happening to you, what seems to be happening to so many women. Same story over and over. You're not married to him yet. You're already in counseling. And you disagree strongly about this so-important issue. Have you talked about this with your family? You should. If I had gotten my parents' opinions before my first marriage, I could have avoided a lot of heartache. My gut feeling is to say call it off or at least delay the wedding a while. In the end, it's up to you.
You're in my prayers.
I'd love to hear some other opinions from other readers.
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Hi Sue, Thank you for your response. This is my second marriage as well. And my mother of course has been upset at the idea of me not having kids of my own. She hints at me to call it off sometimes but I assure her that I can endure this crusade. He is so amazing, loving and perfect for me in so many ways, I am scared to throw it all away for something that has yet to be. God forbid I am unable to have kids and have thrown away a great man in the meantime. But I am 32 and feel the clock ticking away. So I also fear becoming older and missing out on being a mom because he may not change his mind. I wonder if I can find peace with this decision of staying and maybe not having kids. We are seeing our marriage counselor today, so hopefully she can provide some extra insight. Thank you for your kind words.
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Sue — thanks for holding this space! Been reading here a few weeks and I really appreciate your kind and compassionate voice.
I'm about to turn 31. My partner, too. He is 100%, looking-up-vasectomy-clinics serious about being childfree. I've known that, and would never try to change his mind about it.
I was on the fence for a long time. But not so much any more.
The discussions we've had around this have pretty much laid out how different our values and goals are. He's more of the 'why make life harder than it has to be?' mindset. He only sees the sacrifice. He doesn't get how my love for my kitty trumps the vet bills and messes to clean up. He doesn't get why I'd come home from my 9-5 to work on a creative project instead of kicking back with something mindless. He sees himself at 50 doing the same geeky bachelor things he does today and is content. I want more. So maybe we'd be doomed down the road, anyway.
My own family life was pretty great, and still is, so I feel like I know what I'd be missing out on. More so than he does. And it doesn't help when he sees me struggling with this question and belittles my desires, or acts like I'm some kind of cartoon cliche for even thinking about it.
So even if he did miraculously change his mind on the baby question, he probably isn't the one I'd want to parent with. And that has been hard, hard, hard.
So much else of what we have is this super-connected, easy, fun, supportive, wonderful thing. The thought of giving up all the good we have here and now, for this possibility that's on my heart every day, is really scary.
Knowing I'd probably regret staying doesn't make leaving feel any less impossible.
But I can't imagine giving up a big dream like this (especially when he's sacrificing nothing in return) and not feeling resentful, or that I was cowardly, or not being true to myself. Especially when I do have some time still.
If I want to meet the right person and I want to have a kid (to say nothing of kids, plural), well, I feel like I should probably be getting on that train now. But I'm still here on the platform, crying about having to say goodbye.
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