Is it possible for a relationship to work when one partner wants children and the other doesn’t? This is the question that is still resonating in my head days after I finished reading Kidfree & Lovin’ It (reviewed Jan. 2). The opinion of most of the people author Kaye D. Walters surveyed is that this is a deal-breaker, that compromise is impossible, that the relationship is doomed. They say it is better to break up than to have a child you don’t want—or force a child on someone who doesn’t want to have children. Don’t date, don’t marry, don’t pretend it’s okay; it won’t work.
Walters urges couples to think it through and be sure of what they want. “Don’t just end a perfectly good relationship without first examining your means and motivations on the kid issue.” She offers lists of reasons to procreate and suggests that some of them are pretty shaky and perhaps one might not be a good parent after all. But in the end, like the people she surveyed, she seems to lean toward ending the relationship.
This issue is at the heart of my Childless by Marriage blog and book. It’s an issue that most books about childlessness (see my resource list) pay minimal attention to. But it’s a big one. If my first husband had been willing and ready to have children, I’d be a grandmother now. If my second had been willing to add more children to the three he already had and if he had not had a vasectomy, I’d have grown children and maybe grandchildren now. If I had dumped either one because I wanted to have children and they didn’t, my life would have been completely different.
I am childless because I married these men and stayed with them. The first marriage ended for other reasons, but the second husband was a keeper. We lasted three weeks shy of 26 years. If Fred hadn’t died, we’d still be together. He was the perfect mate for me in every other way. And maybe, if I truthfully answer all of Walters’ soul-searching questions, I would find I was too devoted to my career to add motherhood to the mix. I wanted children, and I wish I’d had them. BUT I loved Fred and knew I would never find a better husband. Should I have left him and hoped to find someone else, maybe someone not as good but who was willing to have babies with me? Am I a fool because I sacrificed motherhood for these men?
That’s the big question that many of the people who comment here are facing: stay with the partner or spouse who doesn’t want kids or try to find someone else? What do you think? Is a relationship doomed if you disagree on this issue? Is it all right to sacrifice something this big for the one you love? There are always compromises in a relationship. People give up their careers, move far away from home, or take care of disabled spouses, but is this too much to ask?
I really want to know what you think.
Childless by Marriage 
I always thought I would become a mother. I met my husband at 22, married him at 25 (he was 35). Tried having a baby when I was 26. Then he wanted to travel. We did travel a lot. I was the one who discussed babies; he never did. Years later I think back and recall that he never mentioned starting a family. I always did. On Christmas Day I used to insist we go for a walk in the mornings just so I could hear the children's happiness in the neighbourhood as we walked. I would smile and think how wonderful that would be if it were me. I recall once we had a huge disagreement. He told me he did not want children. I cried and thought we would have a child someday. Eventually I decided to see a doctor about having a baby. He said there was a process, that he could see that I would be pregnant in 6 months. The joy I felt at hearing that news! My husband had to have a fertility test first. I was 39. Sadly, it took me a further 4 years of begging my husband to have a fertility test, which he did, and unfortunately the result was that he had a very low sperm count. IVF was an option, a long shot but sadly never eventuated. My husband showed no interest and it was never discussed. And that is my story (the short version). Looking back, now I wish I had made some kind of decision to stand up as a younger me and realise that I needed to make drastic changes before my time to become a mother ran out. If your partner does not share your desire to become a mother or a father, please don't think you won't worry or regret never having a child because if you are like me, it leaves such an empty space and sadness.And Sue, like you sometimes talk about when you see other people with their families and babies, grandparents sharing photos of their grandchildren, you wish it were you but it isn't and I do feel upset and angry and I shouldn't; it isn't their fault. I wish I'd had a crystal ball.
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Elle and Cheryl, I hurt for both of you. You offer two sides of the same picture, one while there's still time and the other when it's too late. Thank you so much for sharing your stories. I know lots of people are rooting for you both.
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Elle, I am in the same boat as you, about to turn 31 in 2 weeks. My husband didn't want kids, but before we married, I told him I wouldn't be able to marry him knowing I wouldn't have a baby. He decided we’d pay off our debt then have one. Three weeks ago, it was time to start trying, One week ago, he tells me he can't do it, he really doesn't want one. What you say in your post feels like my exact same situation. Good relationship until this (been together about 5 years, had some difficulties in the beginning but have really grown well together). I too worry about the resentment if I stay and sacrifice so much, feeling he is sacrificing nothing. It makes me question how he feels about me since he is going back on his promise to m. Is it worth it? But then again, is it worth losing this man I love and made a life with for the possibility of a baby? I also don't know what to do now. All my plans were working towards having a baby. I feel lost and confused.
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I am in a terrible situation. I am 33 nearly and my husband is 45. We've been together 6 years, married for 2 1/2. We have been actively trying for two years. I have fertility problems and have recently found out I have a 10% chance of natural pregnancy. We have the IVF paper work ready to go. He has now told me he doesn’t want children. What do I do? I am left with a choice: my husband or leave him a try with someone else. How could he string me along like this? I feel cheated.
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I'm sorry, Anonymous. This is a terrible situation. Maybe your husband just doesn't want to go through all the hassles and expense of IVF and is trying to spare you the pain and possible disappointment? Keep talking. Maybe there's a solution. I hope so.
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Hi Monique — just happened to check back in here and saw your comment. It's some comfort just knowing other people get it! Though of course I'm sorry you're in a place to understand this particular brand of sad/anxious/crazy. You were so, so, so close and then had the bomb dropped on you — wow. That's awful.
In my case it feels like there have been all these little chinks in the bridge between us, some big and some small, and the baby question is the big final boulder that's bringing the whole thing down. I can write it all out, weigh up my pros and cons, but nothing makes the decision any easier.
Wish we could all sit down and have coffee and chat this out face-to-face! Not too many people in my real life right now who get what it's like, so hooray for blogs. Maybe I'll finally get the nerve to fire up my own.
Good thoughts going out to all.
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No man is worth sacrificing motherhood for. One day they will be gone, but your children and grandchildren are your legacy
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Amen! Thank you for saying it loud and clear, Melanie.
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Thank you for this post and the thoughtful, non-judgmental discussion in the comments section here. I am almost 32, and in a relationship with a 28 year old man who, when we first became involved a year ago, was so in love that he gushed about having children with me. He had never wanted children before, and I had always been on the fence, having been through a divorce already with many other personal debts and responsibilities. Now that we have settled and the dust has cleared, he informed me that he has changed his mind. He doesn't think he's ever going to want kids, but he is more sure than ever he wants to get married.
Naturally, this has been a hard week for me. This man is loving, supportive, nurturing and helping me move into a new phase of my life, even supporting a career change. But, the image I had of what our life could be together is no longer what it was. It's jarring.
He was very concerned and sad to break this news to me. He knew it would potentially be hurtful and disappointing, and he understands it's a big change. He also understands it could mean losing me if I've determined having a family is an important priority. We've even cried about it a few times together.
All I can think is that I'd rather have a life and whatever adventures it brings with this man, than to trade him in for someone else just to have a kid.
We have both discussed how being childless could allow us more room to be of service in other ways: mentoring, community service, assisting our other family members, and so on.
We also both went without a lot of things when we were young. The idea of having as much time and freedom together as we wish is very appealing.
Having a child was never at the top of my list. I always said I wouldn't have children unless I could accomplish certain things first. Still, there is a part of me that wants to remain open to the idea later on. If he were to be even half as loving to a child as he is to me, that child would be luckier than most.
At least he is giving me time to think about what I need and want most, but I know I have a partner for life if I'm willing to take this journey with him.
I'm in a strange place. This is not a decision I'd ever thought I'd have to make.
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Anonymous, Thank you for sharing your story. It looks like you have a great love that will carry you through this. But don't ignore the feelings you have about not having kids. It's not an easy thing. I wish you all the best.
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Thank you for bringing up this subject. I found a link on google while searching for advice and answers to my own dilemma.My wife and I have been together as a couple for 13 years, married for 4. After we married, we decided to pursue the next step, having children. After a few months of no success we found out she is unable to have children due to premature ovarian failure. Fast forward a few years to now. I have come to the realization that I am unable to get the one thing I want the most (fatherhood) from the woman I love the most. Other than being able to bear children, our marriage is great. But something is tearing at me about knowing I will never be able to have a child as long as we continue our relationship.So my dilemma is which one do I regret more when I'm old and on my death bed, leaving the woman I love for fatherhood or never having children because I chose to stay with my love.
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Anon, forgive me for bringing up the obvious response that probably everybody tells you, but have you considered adoption? It's not easy or inexpensive, but it would be an option. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, and I thank you for sharing the male viewpoint. It's important to remember there are always two sides to this.
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Two weeks ago, my husband of 5 years told me that he wants a divorce because he wants a biological child. I'm devastated and feel completely blindsided. Six months before we got married, I was diagnosed with MS. I gave him many outs and told him that I would completely understand if he had second thoughts about marrying me. He said he didn't have a doubt in his mind. Three years ago, I had chemo and a bone marrow transplant and my MS went into complete remission. Unfortunately, my body went into early menopause and I am not able to have a biological child now. We talked about this before I started chemo, and we agreed on adopting a child. Now my husband changed his mind and only wants a biological child. He feels he would regret it later in life if he didn't have one. He is 37 and I am 40 now. I am not mad at him for changing his mind; I just feel so sad and heartbroken. This is the end of my dream also. I know I will not have a child and my marriage is over. I ask God to help me through this and help me understand why and give me the strength to continue every day. I hope one day I will understand and be able to move on. I love my husband so much, but I think I need to realize that his feelings have changed. It's so hard to let go of your love and your dreams.
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Oh, Anonymous, what a terrible situation. You have two unbearable losses at once. I hope, in time, your husband will be able to accept your situation and decide to stick with you. To leave a person in your situation just seems cruel and selfish. I know he wants a child, but you can't always have what you want. You are in my prayers.
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Reading more personal stories make me realize that perhaps I am not alone with struggling…My boyfriend and I have been living together for five years. I am 29 and he is 35 years old. I love him passionately and have always done. I don't know if he loves me back. He has refused to ever answer on this. The problem is that he wants kids, while I don't.I don't want kids so much that I have avoided sex (meaning i-course) entirely, even though we still are intimate. I never liked to interact with small children because I can't stand smells, I cannot imagine changing a diaper, I have difficulties with all things that small kids do. I don't think they are cute, and like to have them as far away as possible. And besides my career (that is living a dream), I have interests that fully occupy me and to which I'd like to dedicate my life. I would only see a kid as something that destroys everything that is important to me in my life, lots of responsibility that is incompatible with the lifestyle I'd like to have. And emotionally draining to an extent I couldn't handle — even ordinary friendships are tough for me. Simply put — I am not a mother and may never be permitted to be, for the sake of the child and for me.My boyfriend and I share some of the interests, and it creates such a strong bond between us. We are very connected on so many levels.He has said that he absolutely never will change his mind (and must have kids), and he says that that if I never want kids, I will force him into the worst day of his life (=leaving me). I definitely don't want kids, but because I cannot be without him, I don't know how to tell him openly and have only said, “I don't want it, and the person I am right now cannot imagine having it, but it doesn't mean that I will be the same person in 5-10 years.”. At the same time, I do think that (no matter how unlikely it feels to me that I will be the one), either of us could change our mind, because we don't know how events can change our personalities. I tried to tell him that I also hope for him to change his mind and that he can't absolutely know that he will keep the same idea in 5 years, but he says “absolutely never — you have to change your mind if we shall stay together.”I feel under extreme pressure. His motivations for getting kids are, “Do you want to be old and alone?” and “This is the point of life, all is about evolution.” Knowing him, I think he would never be able to be a good father and husband at the same time, so I don't think this would improve our relationship. He thinks, that since all is about evolution, it is unnatural for a woman to not have kids and thus I must change my mind. He doesn't insist on it now, but he wants it while still being young.Is there any way we can still be together without him forcing me into the nightmare of my life? I wouldn't love either the kid or him if he ever would push me into this. I am constantly thinking about tubal ligation, but I don't like irreversible solutions.
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Meia, I think this is definitely a case of irreconcilable differences. It's not going to work. This sounds harsh, but you need to break up and move on. I'm sorry it has come to this and wish you both the best.
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Sue, I just cannot imagine a life without him. If he choses to go, I will wish him the best and hope that all his dreams will come true and that he will meet the right woman along the way. He is a great guy and would deserve that. I hope with time I would get over him, but it will be a difficult and lonely road, and I wonder if I will ever feel complete again when it happens.
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Oh Meia, I wish there could be a happy ending. Someone is not going to get what they want. You just have to figure out which one of you will give in. I wish you all the best.
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I've had a wonderful relationship with a man who left me a year ago because he felt he couldn't have the family we wanted with me. We are both 40 years old, and we have been trying having children since we were 36. We agreed to stop for 2 years because I enrolled in a masters program while working. Went through IVF last year, but it did not work. Then I quit my job and we moved to another country where he had found his dreamed job that involved heavy travel. I felt I couldn't get pregnant before I found a job myself in this new place and I also told him I did not want to be a single mother to his children – he would not agree to eventually give up his new job for another one that meant less travel. He felt I was betraying him.Long story short, I am now back to square 1, divorced, back in my home country, looking for a job and devastated because the man I love has decided he wants to be with someone who wants to have children as badly as he does. And of course, at 40 he feels time is running out.I still love him and wish him well. He has made his choice and I can't do anything about it. Still, it hurts.
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I'm sure it does hurt, Anon, and I'm sorry it came to this. But it sounds like the problem is more than just having children. I hope you can find your way into a new life on your own. We're here for you.
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Thank you all for sharing your stories. It does help to know I'm not alone.I'm a 39-year-old guy, and have been with my partner of 35 for over 8 years. She stated early in the relationship that she didn't want kids, and this has been the case since she was a young girl. This has been a constant struggle for me. Having to choose between the relationship and the potential for a family, is honestly the hardest thing I've had to endure. I'd never had to question this deeply, as I'd always assumed that family would come from a loving relationship.I've given it years of understanding, talk, encouragement and personal soul searching. Two years ago I came to the conclusion I did want family, and that we should consider going our separate ways. Immediately she announced she'd changed her mind and wanted to have kids with me. I was wary, and waited a year to see if her position was consistent – it was, and so we made plans. We bought a house large enough to raise a family. She got a job with amazing maternity leave, and we had a rough timeline in mind.I've supported her through years where she mistreated me, as we worked through childhood issues of hers. This was extremely taxing but ultimately worthwhile. Last year I needed 4-6 weeks to reboot myself a bit, and reclaim my own soul, as I'd become too passive to life. I was open, honest, and communicated directly and through counselling exactly what was going on in my soul, and we both came out of this as fuller stronger people.Months went by and we were working together as a team in ways we'd always dreamed were possible. We both realized that there were now no more barriers to having kids. It was time to start.She announced she'd changed her mind, and that she would rather be alone than with me and a child. I've tried to figure out exactly what's going on here, but she's been absolutely rock-hard consistent with her message. I suspect she's freaking out, is scared out of her mind, but no matter how I try to approach this, she refuses to look deeply within herself as to why she doesn't want kids. I've had a hellish couple of months doing further soul searching, and I honestly think I'd like a family. I'd even be OK if we both tried to have a family, and it just didn't work. At least then I'd know we were a team, and had wanted the same things for the rest of our lives. We'd tried, it failed, and we’d recover. I don't HAVE to have kids to be happy, but I don't want to live my life being dictated by fears – either my own or my partner’s. Now that we're facing selling the house and splitting assets, she throws doubt around that maybe she is making a terrible mistake. There is so much inconsistency of message, I just don't know how I can trust my partner anymore. Making things worse I just can't see honest work on her part in resolving this within herself. There is a lot of denial, anger, topic diversion, blame and dismissal being thrown around by her. I wish I could get a real grasp on what is really going on within her, but I'm also exhausted by years of emotional caretaking, and I'm feeling the weight of years bearing down on me. If I stick around on the hope she changes her mind, and she doesn't – and I don't feel she's honestly doing everything within herself to work it out too – I'm sure I'll have major regrets.It breaks my heart that I'm now looking at being 40 and single, looking for another life partner, and hopefully starting a family. Love to hear your thoughts.
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Dear AnonFX, sometimes I think free will is more of a burden than a gift. How can anyone know what to do in this situation? I hope someone else will read this and offer answers. If you weren't running out of time to make babies, I'd say take a break from the whole discussion and relax for a while, but the biological clock is ticking pretty loudly for your partner. If you do separate, it does not have to be forever. Perhaps some time apart will help you both to either move on or figure out a way to be together. I wish you all the best.
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It was so good to find this discussion on the internet searching for answers. My bf of 7 years is talking about leaving me because he doesn't want kids and doesn't want the guilt of taking that option away from me. I am just 32, so he said I have time to find someone else. Everything else in our relationship is great, so I am not sure I want to leave him just to find someone to have kids with. I am still 50/50 on wanting kids, which makes it so tough. He is removing me from making a decision about my own life and regrets which is also tough. I know no one else can answer my uncertainties, but it is so nice knowing others have gone through similar.
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What a tough situation, Anonymous. I think it says a lot for your boyfriend that he is willing to walk away so you can have children. As to what you should do, I don't know. Maybe you should just accept this and move on or maybe you should hang on to him and decide not to have kids. I hope you can work it out. And yes, you're not alone.
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It is very hard to know what to tell a younger woman about having kids. I just had my first at age 45, I'm now 46 with an infant. I am happy, but the only fly in the ointment is my MIL, who has made it clear that it was WRONG of me to have a child because I'm “too old.” Like I asked her opinion. Anyway, had I chosen to have a child younger just to have the child, it would not be the daughter I now have, so that is reason #1 why I can never regret it. I did want the relationship first and maybe even (like you) instead of children. Like I said, I cannot regret it. I still don't think it's the right thing for a woman to either force a relationship just to conceive children, or conceive children “on her own.” Other women can choose what they want but it would not have been right for me.
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Wow, I really needed to read this today, and reading through the comments has been good too.I am the opposite. I don't want kids and I have been debating this year whether or not to end the marriage.I told the hubby when we were dating (before we were even engaged), I did not want my own kids. I was always told I'd make a good mother, and I love kids to death. But I felt strongly that if I am to have kids, it was to be through adoption, not through my own childbearing.He said he would be okay with adoption rather than having his own kids. That it'd probably be hard for his family, but he'd be okay with it. Well, a couple years after getting married, he started talking about kids more and more. He didn't want them right away, he wanted to wait a few years until he was in a better job, but he wanted kids. As for adoption, he was still open to the idea, but he wanted to have at least two kids of our own and then maybe adopt one child.It has been hard. If we accidentally got pregnant, I of course would take care of the child and love the child as a mother should. But, I know if I had my own child, in the back of my mind I would keep thinking about all the kids without loving parents. Plus, there is no guarantee if we have kids, that he'd even be willing to adopt anymore.We have other issues in our marriage, but the child one WILL be a much bigger issue in the next year or two because he has been talking more and more about it.I feel lost and don't know what to do. I feel terrible staying in a marriage where I know we will never see eye-to-eye on the topic. We are almost 30, and if he really wants kids that bad, I feel like maybe I should divorce so that he can find another girl and start a family while he is still young.Any advice?
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Bec, you're both willing to be parents, but where you disagree is that you prefer not to bear children and he wants you to do so? The fact that you may share common ground on both wanting to be parents is no small thing. I would try to further the adoption conversation. The hardest part about being a human is that we are changeable. Our desires change. Amidst change, there should be strong foundations in our relationships: Strong love, shared beliefs, strong attraction. My man and I have a very strong foundation. We communicate well, we are consistent, very present for each other in all aspects of life, and very affectionate. We admire each other so much. The problem is that we met when I was 39 and he 41. We are now 42 and 44, and he's currently launching a new business, making no money and on uncertain ground. Although that I am very financially stable (making $150K annually), he cannot take the leap for kids because he simply feels he could not devote the emotional attention to the situation in addition to launching the new business. He's not fundamentally against kids, he just feels that there is too much personal chaos in his heart right now to add another layer. This is so hard for me to accept, especially given that I am running out of time, and he is the man I want to be with. I keep coming back to the foundation. Is the foundation strong enough to withstand this? Are the fundamental pieces in place to carry us as a couple into our future without kids in a way that will keep us both happy in the long run?
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Thanks for sharing your situations, Bec and Anon. In both cases, it looks like you could still have the lives you want. There's room for negotiation. But Anon, you need to make it clear to your husband that you don't have time to wait, even if it is not a convenient time to have children.
I wish you both all the best.
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When I was 39, I met the man I live with now. He's five years older, and we are now 46 and 51. He has two boys, 19 and 21. He does not want more children and has been very clear with this from the start.If I tried to talk him into trying, he would leave me to give me the chance to meet someone else, someone to try to have a child with.So this difficult choice is mine. Accept this situation or move on in hopes of being lucky enough to find love again, and actually succeed in having a child.If I had decided at once, maybe I would still have had chances of luck. But now I'm 46…I wasn' single until I was 39 by choice. It was dreadful, lonely, frightening, humiliating, caused depression and broken self-esteem and all of that still affects me.How then could I say no to love when it finally came into my life?So. No child for me. I cry and feel miserable about it often, but I'm not turning away the love I longed for and finally got.Before I met this man, I never seriously considered trying to have a child on my own, even if I dreamed of it. My self confidence was too low and my economy too bad.Here I am, trying to accept, to not let grief and regrets ruin what good I do have, and to not let bad self-confidence stop me from doing what I want so as not to get more to regret in the future.
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Dear Testar, you're what we call childless by circumstance. The time was never right, and now you need to find a way to live with it. I hope you can find some peace. Sometimes counseling helps. Over time, you'll find that life has a lot of good things to offer, even without kids. I wish you all the best.
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What an amazing and inspiring article, and comments. I feel for everyone and I share the pain. I am 31 and my husband is 48. I have always wanted children, he never did. Extremely early on in our relationship, I made my wish clear. He said that although he doesn't want children, if I am to become a mother then he wants to be the father. What a beautiful thing to say. Fours and a half years on, married, he is still blowing hot and cold on the issue. He made me overthink my desire to the point where I was no longer sure of what I wanted. I made a big step by coming to peace with the following decision: whether we have a child or not, I will accept whatever Mother Nature decides, but I want to try for a little while. We have an amazing relationship. The only clouds are the baby issue and his house, which needs major TLC. The first time I had a very strong baby fever, I was 17. I could have had a baby with anyone, but I do not just want the baby; I want the whole thing: the family.Sometimes, I am scared that he uses delaying tactics, hoping I will give in and give up or something. Though, he said that I am the only one to have brought him so close to considering the idea. He is aware of the risks if he says no. But, like many of us, I started to ask questions that others don’t understand: Will this child be worth it? What if our relationship ends because of it? What if something happens to my husband and I end up raising our child on my own? I do not want to be with anyone else. The feeling is mutual.I am not religious, but I do believe in some kind of spirituality. I am scared that there might be something “wrong” with the child. This child who did not ask to be born. I am angry. It is like everything is against us, time and money mostly. I am terrified that he doesn't stay true to his words. I also think that he is jealous of this child. He finds it difficult to share me even when we go to France to visit my family; I have to remind him that they only see us three times a year, you know. No one can decide for me, us. But thank you for being so understanding and filling the shades of grey because on any other websites, it is all black and white. Thank you
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Lily,
There are definitely lots of shades of gray. Somehow you need to force your husband into a black and white answer. Would he leave you if you had a baby? If not, go for it. If he truly loves you, he'll support you in this. I hope you can find a resolution soon.
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I turn 40 this year. Eleven years ago I had a partial hysterectomy for medical reasons. Having kids was never something I wanted, maybe because I'm selfish, maybe because I was so much older than my brothers and they were very difficult. Both have been in jail. I'm not sure how that happens when we have the same parents. So I am okay with not having kids. My only fear is that I will be lonely in my old age. I met someone when I was about 31, and we really hit it off. I told him right away that I can't have kids. He always thought he would, so was surprised, but we continued dating. Eight months in, I found my first sign that all was not good. He had been flirting with someone else.This man is not naturally a cheat or a flirt, but he had the idea that we wouldn't last because of the kid issue. I must have agreed because I didn't stop dating other people right away either. We had a big blowup when I found out about the flirting. Ultimately I stayed with him, mostly because I was determined to not give up easily, which is what I had done in past relationships when confronted with big problems. It's seven years later and we are still together. We've discovered a few other difficulties between our personalities, but mostly we are good. The big problem is still kids. While he says he loves me and we are together forever, he has never said that it's okay I can't have kids, that he will cope with it, or that we will cope with it together. So I feel like the door is always open for someone else to move into his heart. I'm getting older and his coworkers change constantly, so a lot of things are conspiring to make me feel very insecure. Some of my friends say he would leave if it was so important, but I wonder. I often wonder if he stays not only because he loves me, but also because it's easier than dating. He's a good man, but he can be lazy about some things, and he doesn't like being alone, although he's not one to settle for just anyone. Also, he has some doubts about kids, just because he realizes it is a huge responsibility. He is very competitive, so I think that's part of it. He never knew his father, so I think he has something to prove, namely that he would do a better job. We don't talk about it much. I may push for relationship counseling to work it out. I'm also thinking of leaving. I don't want this feeling for my entire life, always wondering when he will decide he can't do without kids, wondering if he would leave if the perfect opportunity fell into his lap. It's definitely not good for my mental well-being or sense of self. But the thought breaks my heart.So there are no easy and absolute answers. When adults tell you that life is hard, they mean it.
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Anonymous,
What a tough situation. I think the counseling might be a good idea. You can't live forever with this hanging over your head. He needs to commit to you without kids forever or make a change. I hope you can work it out.
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First of all thanks for this great blog.It really helps knowing that there are other people in the same situation.I'm a 31 year old guy who always wanted kids in my marriage. From very young age, I always wanted to have kids and have been planning my life with kids as part of the picture.From really early in the relationship with my wife, I have taken all the necessary steps by ticking all the right boxes to make sure that she's on the same page with me on this. However, after six years of marriage going through all the ups and downs, and now that we are financially settled, for some reason she changed her mind on having a baby. This really shocked me, as she was agreeing to the idea just a few months ago. Her reasoning is that she wants to enjoy life and having a baby will take her life away from her.We have been arguing about this several times now and her thought is that it’s better of for us to go our separate ways because there's seems to be no common ground on this. At the end, we decided to wait until the end of the year to see how we are travelling.Ever since the first fight, from time to time I tried to forget that we have this problem, but it keeps coming back and it’s really making me act like a different person around her. I know it’s because deep down I’m blaming her for it, even though I know she's allowed to make her own choice on this.Despite our different view on this, I really want to save our marriage, moreover because I have come to experience the divorce of parents and I really know what they went through.Understand that if I keep maintaining this relationship as is and if we have kids, we might be ended up the same thing and our kids will have to witness the same thing. Which I think is worse than separating from her now.Either option, to stay with no kids or to divorce, for some reason I still think that I'm failing in life as these are the things that I'm trying to avoid from my early childhood. I know that we might have different kinds of obstacles in life, but this feels like one of those you can get through.Anyway thanks again for this blog. Hopefully there's someone out there who can provide suggestions. I hope my post is useful for others as well.
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Anonymous June 20, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm glad you shared this with us. It's good to get a comment from a guy. It's not only men who suddenly decide they don't want kids. I sure hope you can work this out so that you do have kids and don't get a divorce.
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I am 41, married for 2 years to my husband, who has 2 older children and a vasectomy from his first marriage. Before we got married, he knew I wanted children. he just said he didn't want them outside of marriage and we'd talk about it after the wedding. Since then, the list of stalling, back-tracking stone-walling and excuses has gone on and on. Six months after the wedding, with frustration and anger, I had what another commentator described as a breakdown. It was horrendous and I behaved terribly towards him. He then said I was psychologically unbalanced, needed counselling and it would be a disaster if we were to have children. It was a complete kick in the teeth. I have talked about ending the marriage many times, and he has said if having children is so important, I should leave him. He also says he has never said no to having children, the time just hasn't been right. I am exhausted by the twisting and turning. There is too much damage in our relationship to have children now. I massively resent his older children and avoid any contact with them, which makes him and them resent me (his children are both at university and don't know what the problem is). I know how awful that is of me, but seeing him being a great dad with them is unbearable. The grief and loss are sometimes paralyzing. Due to circumstances, we have spent a couple of months apart and there is clearly no way out of this stalemate. I have known in my heart for a while that the marriage cannot work, but he says if people are willing to let go of their issues and move on, things can be worked out. I feel as though he has taken more from the marriage than can ever be replaced and I cannot forgive him for that. In so many ways, he was my perfect man and we have shared some amazing times and dreams. Letting it all go is agony. I have read these posts and cried my heart out this evening. Having children is too late for me. I don't want to do it on my own and have no interest in meeting someone else. I know time will heal, but I am nearly 42, twice divorced, and feel such a massive failure.
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Dear Grace, I am so sorry. What a hard thing to go through. It sounds like the marriage is over, and you're going to need to find a way to go on. I hope and pray you can do that. You are not a failure.
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These comments have made me feel completely un-crazy that I may end my marriage over my husband not wanting any more kids. The difference is we do have a 2 year old together that was not planned. He didn't act thrilled in the beginning, but we both cannot imagine our lives without our son. He just recently said he was happy with no more children and our son was enough. I feel a punch to the gut. I also have a 12 year old stepson who has a mother who is absent for weeks or months at a time. I feel like I have done so much and gave up a lot to be with my husband so we could build the life I thought we would, and that included at least 2 more children. I feel like he doesn't see me as good enough to have another child of my own. Our marriage is far from perfect since there are often stresses from my stepson’s mom and the usual everyday-life things. I have made it perfectly clear I wanted kids of my own and he was on board 100 percent, or at least that's what he said. I now suspect that he didn't really want more children and was looking for a wife and another caretaker for his child, but not necessarily a mother for future children.I know that I will resent him and my stepson if we don't have another child(ren), and I feel it may have been a bait and switch, as our son was not planned. I don't know if I can ever see him saying “yes, let's start trying”. It's always “yes, but not right now. Once finances are a little better” or “when our son is a little more independent”. I know I should be happy that I do have a child at all, but I can't shake it, especially because it will upset me that my husband has one child with a person who leaves her child months at a time, and one with me, that I provide for my own child and my stepson and would give my right arm for my child. That all makes me seem like a martyr, but I feel as if I give and give, hoping to get things I want and need in return, and a major one is not going to happen.
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Please be open with him. He will have a difficult road if he knows you knew you were so strongly against having kids. As much as you don't want children with him, he wants children with you. Please be honest so you both don't have to make an even more difficult decision years from now. If he knows how you really felt and you weren't honest, he will resent you.
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To both July 5 Anonymouses, I agree that the only answer is to be honest with each other and talk about things until you can reach a resolution. If you need a counselor or someone else to help you do this, then find someone. It's the unspoken wounds that will fester and kill the relationship. Mom of the two-year-old, is it possible that your husband really does just want to wait for a better time rather than completely avoiding having another child? Can you work out a deal, such as you'll have just one more child and will start trying in a year? Would life without him really be better?
Keep talking, my friends.
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My husband and I have been together 21 years. We were forty last year. We always did things a bit slower than other couples, didn't move in until we'd been together 7 years and got married after 11. In between, I had two terminations as I didn't feel ready to have children at the time, although my husband said it was my decision to make. Then two years ago, I fell pregnant and we were both happy. We did the test on Valentines Day and talked about our plans. Two days later, I lost the pregnancy. I felt devastated. I wanted to try again and get pregnant, but my husband kept pushing me away every time I tried to get intimate. That was two years ago. My heart has been breaking. All around me, our friends and family are all getting pregnant and having families. I would love us to be like that. I know my husband would make a fabulous dad. Final straw came when we were supposed to have a romantic break in Italy, but we hardly talked let alone be intimate. I was breaking inside. I couldn't ignore these feelings anymore. This weekend, I have given him an ultimatum: stay with me and have a family or if he won't change his mind and still doesn't want them, it's going to be heartbreaking but we're going to have to go our separate ways. I've moved out while he thinks long and hard. I love him enormously, but my feelings of wanting to be a mother are just too strong xxxx
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Chantal, What a tough situation with no happy solution for everybody. But you've been together so long. Are you sure you want to split up and start over?
I wish you all the best.
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Hi,I have been married two years. My husband and I have a very good relationship. We both love each other dearly, and aside from this issue share a vision of our future potential together. Before we got married, we talked about having kids, and where we'd bring them up. We talked about when, given my age, I'd like to start trying (about now or in the next couple of years). I married him believing that trying for children (whether we could have them or not) was going to be a part of our lives. I am 32 he is 27. I have always been mindful that the age gap could be an issue, and I shared this with him He always said it wasn't.He has now changed his mind. He doesn't want children. He doesn't want to change his life to accommodate children, and cannot see that he will change his mind-whilst I am of child-bearing age. He thinks he may have kids one day, but in 5, 10 or 15 years time, when and if he's ready. But he just doesn't want them now or in the foreseeable future. He says when he said he was okay with having them, he hadn't really thought about the practicality of what he would have to sacrifice.I feel like he wants his cake and to eat it. Like he wants all of me, all the fun of our relationship without any responsibility of fulfilling what he committed to. Kids are firmly in the “too hard” basket, and I feel he's reneging on our relationship. Although he has said he doesn't want us to split up, he wants us to stay together and have a life together happily with no kids.What do I do?Eleanor
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I met my husband at 40. I'd been married before; it didn't take. I wanted children (or at this point, at least one child). And I knew because of my age that it would likely take intervention. I'd been considering doing it alone before I met this man–whom I fell hard in love with pretty quickly. He has kids from a previous marriage, and when he asked and I told him that I did want kids, his response was “Of course — I could never deprive you of that joy.” For the years we dated, we talked of it. He'd refer to names, talk of a 'mini me' running around, etc. And then three years in, he changed his mind. Dead set, he said, essentially, that it wasn't his fault or responsibility that I didn't have kids before I met him. At 43, I'm left with no kids or leaving this man I loved with the HOPES of finding someone else to fall in love with who wanted to have kids and try to have them at THAT age?? (I wouldn't marry just to have kids.) Just seemed so overwhelmingly impossible. I married him, weighing the “balance” of pro vs. con.We've been married seven years and I just can't get past it. I have a hard time being intimate with someone I feel 1) betrayed me on something so fundamental and 2) doesn't love me enough to want to have a family with me. I know the latter is a selfish (immature?) assessment, but that's how it feels to me. I just can't give him my heart. I want to get past it. We get along fine on a daily basis. He's a good man. I know he loves me. I try to hide the sadness (it breaks every now and then), the sense of disconnect. It tears at me from a number of standpoints. I think he thinks grandkids will make it okay (his oldest will likely start a family soon) — they'll be “my” grandchildren, he figures. But it's just not the same. And I can't look at him how I know I should.Trying to find…peace.
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Dear Anonymous July 8, I'm sorry for your pain. But I'm going to be the hard ass here and tell you that at 43 you need to accept that it's not going to happen and that you're lucky to have this man and his kids to love. His change of tune is awful; hard to believe he did that, but really your best chance to have kids came before you met your husband. And now it is what it is. Don't hide your pain from your husband. Talk about it openly, but try not to dump a big load of blame on him. I'm sorry it turned out this way, but it did.
Other readers, what do you think?
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Eleanor, My response to you may look like it contradicts what I just wrote to Anonymous, but here goes. If you cannot be happy without children and your husband is dead set against them, you probably ought to find someone else. There's still time, but not as much as your husband thinks. You married him thinking he was open to children, and you don't have to accept his decision. Plus, men at 27 are babies! I hope you can figure this out.
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July 8th anonymous again. Yes, I know the ship has sailed. That wasn't my point or question (I'm 50 now). (And yes, I'm well aware that the time was before I met him but life doesn't always turn out the way we want it to — I wasn't willing to marry just to have kids and I hadn't otherwise met the right man. Which is why I'd considered going it alone — and would've continued down that path if he'd said early on that he didn't want kids.)
My point is now I struggle to love the man who was, after all, able to “deprive me of that joy.” He left a huge hole in my heart and my trust.
I'm successful professionally, I've done a lot of interesting things in my life, live in an exciting city I love. And I always thought of having a child with someone as the ultimate act of intimacy and love. And the person who professed to want to be that person with me then changed his mind. It is a pretty big rejection.
I have talked openly about it enough. I am heartbroken every day about two holes in my life — and I'm trying to figure out how to reconcile both of them so the pain stops. I wish I could say so that I can feel what I should feel for my husband. But I think that ship has sailed too.
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“I'm lucky to have this man and his kids?” Are we living in 1914?
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🙂 nope. If you have a good man keep him. They are hard to find. If not, feel free to dump him.
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