A reader wrote to me last week with a tough question. If I had it to do over, would I stay with the husband who wouldn’t/couldn’t make me a mother? She is currently married to a man who has never wanted children and has had a vasectomy to make sure it wouldn’t happen. They are very happy together now. They have a good life without children. But she is worried that she will regret her decision in later years.
I suspect a lot of us worry about that.
My initial response to whether I would do it over again was I don’t know. But after thinking about it for a minute, I said, “Yes, yes I would.” When Fred and I were married beside a pond on a beautiful spring day with all our loved ones nearby, we had no doubts, no worries, just joy. Out of our loneliness, we had found each other. It felt like a gift from God.
As for children, I thought his three would help fill the gap. I was a workaholic anyway, obsessed with my writing and music. Being a part-time mom might be perfect.
We could not know that Fred would suffer and die from Alzheimer’s disease or that his adult kids would pull away once he was gone. We could not know that I would end up alone in the woods in Oregon while most of my family was back in California.
Life is full of unknowns. Couples discover they can’t get pregnant. Or they break up. Or one of them dies. A new job requires a move across the country. You get sick. You win the lottery. Or you lose everything in an investment that goes wrong.
We don’t know what’s going to happen. The friend who fell off the camper step and broke her pelvis last month surely did not expect to spend the rest of her vacation in the hospital. Fred’s first wife had a stroke this year, catapulting the family into a life of caregiving and nursing home visits. We just don’t know.
All we know is what we have right now. Are you happy together? Is life good? Do you want this to last forever, or are you itching to run out the door? Can you love him or her wholeheartedly? Are they enough? All you can do is put your faith in your love, and in God, if you’re a believer.
Will you regret a life without children? The honest answer is yes, sometimes you might. I do. Most days I’m fine, but I hate not having a big family to gather with on the holidays and to help each other year-round. But would I marry Fred again? Yes, I would. I never met anyone else I could love as much as I loved him. Can you say the same?
I so appreciate you being here. Thank you for your emails and comments. Keep them coming. I don’t have all the answers. Together, we can figure it out.
******
You will be able to read much more about me and Fred in my forthcoming memoir, No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimer’s disease, coming out next June from She Writes Press. It tells our love story from beginning to end, including the hard parts and the joyful ones. That’s Fred in the photo with our puppy Chico, who also plays a big part in the book. Stay tuned for more information.
Childless by Marriage 
Sue,
You struck a chord within me. I can honestly say that if I had it to do over, I would get married and have children. Men have biological clocks. And I assure you they tick very loudly. Although you rarely hear about it. The older I get, the more I regret being childless.
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Yes, I have lived to regret the decision to not have children (at my husband’s insistence). My experience has been that the regret has intensified with the passage of time. I still love my imperfect husband very much, but being a childless couple is not enough for me. Would I do it again ? Knowing only what I knew at the time, a much in love 31 year old career woman who insisted on keeping her maiden name, absolutely. But with the wisdom of having lived life to age 72, I wish I had insisted on having a child and had been prepared to live with whatever the consequences may have been. There are no do overs. I have to live with my willingness to accommodate him and the knowledge that he was NOT willing to accommodate me. Most days I have a fulfilling life, but there are those moments that I feel the loss. I suspect I will have to take this regret to my grave.
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Carolyn, I met Fred when I was 31 and now I’m 71, so I definitely identify with what you say. We just can’t know at 31 how we’re going to feel 40 years later. I’m sorry for your pain.
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Thanks, Sue. It is meaningful to share with another woman who understands and has been there.
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Ĥmmm, good question. My first response is no but having lived without kids and I’m used to it now, then yes.
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Sue, you are so right. None of us know what the future holds when we make decisions. We make them on the basis of what is right for us within our knowledge at the time. There are so many things that can happen, as you pointed out. I am so glad you and Fred had a relationship filled with love while you could. And I very much look forward to your new book.
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Thank you, Mali.
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I echo what Mali said! I am very much looking forward to reading your new book!!
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Stumbled across your sweet post. My wife and I are approaching our 20th anniversary. We very much wanted children but were unable to carry to term. The pain was intense. We tried everything, spent 1000’s of dollars, had a file at the fertility clinic as thick as a brick. Eventually we had to set it aside, explain why we didn’t want to adopt, and go on with our lives. Guess what? The whole experience made us stronger. Sometimes we don’t get everything we want in life, but I wouldn’t change a thing.
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Thank you for sharing this, shredbobted. It gives us all hope.
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This is a beautiful post and it makes me think about this recent book I read https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0C73H3Y83, which speaks so well to people and emphasizes the unpredictabilities of life and the power (inner) needed to face these unpredictabilities. Life can be beautiful even if certain wishes are not fulfilled…
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