Women Without Kids: The Revolutionary Rise of an Unsung Sisterhood by Ruby Warrington, published by Sounds True, 2023.
I had a hard time reading this book. The author never wanted to be a mother and that bias pervades the pages. At first, she seems to think motherhood is a dirty trick foisted upon women to take away their freedom. Once pregnant, all choices will be taken away. You will be saddled with childcare 24/7, and the father will not help.
Yes, but . . .
I think babies are a miracle, one not all of us get to experience. A PERSON is formed and grows inside our bodies. How could we not want to take care of them and love them forever after? That’s just my opinion. And yes, I’m Catholic, a religion that is very pro-baby.
As I read on, Warrington is not as hard-hearted as I thought. She writes extensively about how children should not be born to parents who are not ready to support them and into a society that offers minimal support to parents. No one should be forced to procreate if they would rather devote their lives to something else.
Toward the end, she writes, “. . . accepting that you may never be ready to be a mother in this life might lead to a period of intense grieving. Not that experiencing sadness about not having kids means you can’t also be confident in the choice not to pursue parenthood. It’s okay to grieve something you will never have and to feel empowered in your decision to prioritize other things.”
Amen. We have choices, and who is to say one is better than the other?
Warrington is much younger than I am and proof that women from different generations have grown up in very different cultures when it comes to women’s roles.
For my mother, raising children in the 1950s and 60s, mothering was her job. Full-time, no days off. If you asked her, she’d say that was exactly what she wanted to do. Her mother and grandmother did the same. There weren’t many opportunities for women outside the home anyway. We could be secretaries, nurses, or teachers, not much else.
Of course in those post WWII baby boom days, a family could buy a home and survive on one income. Not that it was ideal. My mother often said she thought she would lose her mind in the years she was stuck at home with two toddlers all day while my father was at work. She was responsible for all childcare, cleaning, cooking, and laundry. I know she envied my “career-girl” life when I was a young woman, when I thought motherhood was just around the bend.
We baby boomers were a mix of mothers who stayed home and mothers with jobs. In the wake of the Women’s Movement, as I graduated from college and got married two weeks later, we had the ability to do a lot more different things, but that also meant trying to juggle work and family, not an easy task. And yes, the bulk of the child-related responsibilities still fell on the women. Divorce also became a lot more common, leaving single mothers trying to do everything by themselves.
My plan was to be a stay-at-home mother-writer. I would do both, writing best-selling novels while the babies were napping or at school. Easy-peasy. Instead, I worked as a journalist, supporting my first husband, supporting myself between marriages, and still working full-time during my second marriage. And yes, most of the chores fell on me.
Now, fewer couples are getting married, and fewer are having children. If you’re reading this, you are likely among them. The economy has made it nearly impossible for young people to afford a place to live, even when both partners work at well-paying full-time jobs. How can they add children to the mix? Should we bring more people into an overpopulated world that seems to be self-destructing? Plus, young women like Warrington see the responsibilities of parenting as prison and hold onto their freedom with both hands. “Just the two of us will be fine. We’ll get a dog” is a common refrain.
In the last century, couples got pregnant and figured out the financial part later. Babies were expected as the natural thing that comes after marriage. Birth control and abortion were not readily available. If parents were exhausted and wished they could shake free of their kids now and then, well, too bad. If the husbands skipped off to their jobs and left their wives doing the bulk of the work at home, so be it. In time, the kids would grow up and leave the home, and the parents could enjoy their empty nest.
But now, we have so many choices. Birth control. Education. Living together without getting married. Careers of all kinds open to both women and men, careers that require the biggest investment of time and energy at the same age women are most able to have babies. Couples are putting off parenthood, sometimes until it’s too late. And some, like Warrington, are just saying, “No!”
My generation and those that followed have learned that you really can’t do everything at once. Choices must be made, and few of us have the luxury of devoting all our time to parenting, even if that’s what we want to do. Warrington argues that without more support for parents–flexible work schedules, affordable childcare, and maternity leave–parenting is just too difficult.
Maybe in the childless-by-marriage situation, when it’s not a matter of biological complications, at least one of you feels like Warrington. They look at how hard it seems to be and say no, I don’t want to do that.
Dear readers, I’m grandmother-old. I have very little connection with people who are raising children. Tell me how it looks these days. Among the couples you know, do mothers still do all the childcare and home chores, or do the partners, male or female, share the load? Do you see parenting fitting into their existing lives or taking over? Is that one of the reasons you don’t have kids? Would you be happy to make whatever sacrifices were required if you could have a baby? Or is that too much to ask these days?
Childless by Marriage 
Hello Sue,
I’ve been reading your blog frequently over the past couple of weeks, leaving the occasional comment.
My whole life I thought there were people who wanted kids, people who didn’t want kids, and people who couldn’t have kids. The concept of people being childless by circumstance is not something I really imagined, or at least I didn’t realize how many people fit in this category. Going through your blog has been an enlightening read.
When I look at my friends, wider family, coworkers, etc, I definitely see more and more people who do not want children. Amongst my colleagues (we are a team of roughly 15), three of them are very clear that they don’t want children (they are in their 30’s and 40’s). Many are older and with adult children, a few are young parents. Two of them have a little boy who has just been diagnosed autistic (you may know that the percentage of autistic people has been steeply increasing over the past decades) and don’t know if he’ll ever be able to lead an independant life. Another friend wanted children but is single and with health issues that make it trickier to care for a child. I am grateful that reading your blog may help me in the future be sensitive to my friends who may end up childless by circumstance.
Men are definitely not pulling their weight even now, one of the reasons why I chose to become a single parent. I may have to do it all on my own but at least I’ll know why instead of looking at my partner and wondering. On that subject I recommand “all the rage ” by Darcy Lockman.
Why do people have fewer children ? Finances and global instability definitely play a part. Lack of equality and of policies supporting mothers (because mothers are generally the ones struggling, seeing as they – even today – do most of the work).
“Do you see parenting fitting into their existing lives or taking over?”
Parenting definitely takes over. Even just looking at statistics, parents spend significantly more time parenting than a generation or two ago. Or course this only piles on the load of women who have to work, and parent, and take care of the house. Not to mention taking care of ageing parents, which often by default is handed over to the daughter if there is one. And too often the daughter does it while silently seething and resenting her siblings.
Even so, I still think we millennials have it better than people of previous generations. You mention your mother going out of her mind spending her days at home with two toddlers. And I’m sure people around her – not least of all her husband – dissed her hard work as “not really work at all”. Yet he couldn’t be arsed to share the load in his free time (I’m guessing). I think I would choke on my own resentment if I were in this situation. It’s probably much worse if you’re taking care of step children, as you don’t feel the same connexion to them. And it’s true regardless of whether you have children (but it typically worsens after children as the wife is generally then more vulnerable and less likely to leave, so the husband makes less of an effort).
One issue that seems recurring throughout is women keeping silent. I’m not blaming them – society is doing all it can to shut them up. Trying to get your partner to do their share is “nagging”. Going on strike from the chores is “petty”. A woman getting angry about having to do it all is “a shrew”, “hysterical”, etc. But even so they, we, need to speak up more. We need to be actors of our own choices.
Sue, after reading through your blog, I understand that you were in denial about childlessness until past the point of no return. In that sense, childlessness happened to you, you did not consciously choose it. And I think this is part of why you haven’t made peace with it after all this time. Especially after your husband suggested that he’d have agreed if you’d insisted. There’s nothing wrong with choosing your spouse over children if this is right for you – but it needs to be your decision.
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Maxorias, wow. Yes to all of this. All so very, very true.
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While this may be true, in my view, in my view, it’s also important to remember that many – if not most childless women ended up in that situation without actively choosing it. Life is complex, and the decision to leave if you’re in a good relationship, or to insist and possibly risk your relationship/ marriage is anything but easy. That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in denial. Also, I think it’s really common for the pain and grief to resurface from time to time, even after decades. That doesn’t have to mean you’ve been in denial either.
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I guess I’m also “grandmother-old” in that I have friends my age and younger who are grandparents and have been for years! Slightly younger than you, my generation had more expectations that household duties would be shared, depending on education and attitudes. (My university educated friends were all for equal rights – others were less concerned, it seemed.) These days, household duties in my house are shared – with emotional labour and cooking falling more in my camp, and cleaning and outdoor chores falling in my husband’s, but it is still a fairly even split of effort. It would not have been if we had kids, I suspect. Even my most feminist and independent of friends have commented that they did it all. (One said she loved it when her husband went on a business trip – she had one less child at home to organise!)
From my observations, I feel as if there are still huge expectations on young women, despite it being more accepted and expected for fathers to be more involved these days. My younger SIL does everything for her kids and her husband, along with working. Needless to say, she is exhausted. And it really worries me that she is modelling this behaviour to her university-age daughter, and her sons. At least in the 80s there was a feeling that new horizons were being reached. Now, it feels as if society has almost given up. Sigh. And young women don’t quite know how hard won certain rights and opportunities were, so don’t fear losing them. (I’m just an old feminist feeling cynical. Oops – you got me started!)
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Preach, sister!
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Among the couples you know, do mothers still do all the childcare and home chores, or do the partners, male or female, share the load?
Many of the couple I know share duties. I actually know a lot of couples where the man cooks and the woman does nothing in the kitchen – which fascinates me as I do enjoy everything about food and can’t imagine not making my own favorite meals.
Anyway, I see Dads doing a lot. I live in a bit of a bubble but I personally wouldn’t look around in society and think, “these poor woman”.
Do you see parenting fitting into their existing lives or taking over?
I see both avenues. I have friends who are still striving for career accomplishments, education and building their own personal relationships OUTSIDE of their family duties. Usually these people have supportive spouses or a strong circle of family and friends.
I also have friends who shut off a part of their life when children come into the picture. No more girls trips, no more squeezing in a coffee date without their child in tow. They might take a lesser role at work. Some mothers are doing this happily. Some are doing it obsessively. Some are doing it with resentment.
Is that one of the reasons you don’t have kids? Would you be happy to make whatever sacrifices were required if you could have a baby? Or is that too much to ask these days?
The more I come to terms with my childness the more I realize that life isn’t a simple path for any of us. I watch others because I have struggled greatly with learning to live authentically. I watch how some parent well. I also see how others struggle, like I assume I would.
On the days I’m really honest with myself, I believe that I was not made to be a mother. To be a good mother means you have to be mentally strong. I’ve always struggled with emotional maturity. I overthink things, I debate internally, until I feel confident with things as simple as what fruit to buy. I get hurt easily and even though I pretend to handle it – I don’t. I hold on to grudges longer than necessary. I just struggle in general.
Yesterday I was looking forward to getting my favorite donut. When I got to the shop they were sold out and I was disappointed. I bought a different donut, which wasn’t as good. I went on to run my enjoyable errands before heading back to the office. I stopped to drop off something to a friend. I’m helping her build a business. She was a frazzled mess. She was jugging business issues, her in-law had a health episode, the yard needed to be mowed and she had to run her oldest to day camp. All the while, her youngest was screaming his head off and the other child was cheerfully playing her flute-a-phone non-stop. The babysitter looked on helplessly.
But me? I was sad about my donut.
That isn’t to say that I don’t have real problems. Not every day is as superficial as a missed donut. I do have a full, busy, valid life. But I just don’t know that I could have lived my life AND properly raised a child. Certainly God knew it too.
My own mother had (and still has) very low self-esteem. That left a mark. When a best friend didn’t invite me to a party, Mom told me the kid was a brat, and she acted like I was being silly for feeling hurt. When a teacher unfairly punished me, she told me that it was probably my fault the teacher didn’t like me. When I had a date with a boy at 15, she told me that I should probably kiss him at the end of the date to thank him. (YIKES) She talked poorly about her family and friends behind their back. I thought that was how friendships operated and I started doing the same. I mostly learned that people didn’t really like me and I should be cautious of those that did. Also, I needed to keep quiet when dealing with crappy, unfair situations.
Once I babysat a little girl and she was crying over something silly so I brushed her off (like my mom would have). She didn’t stop crying and I was being indifferent about it. That morning the mother had to come back to grab something and I remember how she knelt down to her child, said a few kind things and gave her a hug. The child stopped crying. Something in me changed that day when I realized that mothers can be kind. I could be kind. That day I started watching people intently, trying to figure out the differences between my reality and how others lived.
I still always feared that I’d be like my own mother so when motherhood didn’t happen naturally – I felt it was probably okay, even if unfair. I’ve healed a lot and have come to understand my mother’s challenges. But that understanding came too late. I’m still a work in progress, but I do feel I would NOW be an excellent mother. But it’s simply too late.
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Anon, thank you for putting so much work into this response. It does seem that younger couples have a better balance of responsibilities than our parents did. As for our priorities, I would have felt bad about the donut, too. Does that make us immature? I don’t know. I have come to realize that I made an unconscious choice not to have children, and it may well have been what God intended for me. Yes, my husband didn’t want them, and I always thought I did. But if he had asked me to give up my writing or my music, I would have dumped him in a heartbeat. What does that say about me? It’s always a pleasure to hear from you, Anon.
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Maybe we just REALLY love donuts. 🙂
The revelation that you would cling to your music and your writing tells me how very vital those things are to your being. There are the gifts that God wanted you to share with the world. I for one am very happy you were never expected to retreat from your talent and loves.
Many times in the path of my life I lamented on how I handled things or how I struggled to accept situations. I want things to be a certain way and I want people to behave a certain way. Obviously “I” know best. (insert eye roll)
But God always delivers. With the right amount of humbling, humility, heartache and eventually happiness. Each time my struggles were redeemed. On the other side of things I could see the wisdom HE planned for my life.
For some reason today is hard and my be why I’ve dumped so much effort into these comments. My struggle now is to simply accept what I already feel in my heart. That motherhood isn’t HIS plan for me. My additional struggle is to trust that He won’t allow me to be sad and suffering in my old age (should he deem me to live that long). Trust.
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