You know how people get to talking about their kids and we have nothing to say because we don’t have any? Being an aunt or uncle can get you into the conversation with more fun and less angst.
I suppose it’s like being grandparents, except you’re still young enough to be fun.
I spent Thanksgiving with great-nieces and nephews who gave me plenty to talk about. Especially the oldest one. R. and I dressed for Thanksgiving dinner together, exchanging fashion tips. We played games. I was a customer at her pretend restaurant and a student in her pretend school. I let her try my guitar, and I listened to the song she made up. I was not the one telling her to brush her teeth, get dressed, or quiet down. We exchanged confidences and terrific hugs. Last summer, we were the ones who went swimming together while the grownups watched. I’m not ready to be one of the grownups. I’m the aunt. A long-distance one who doesn’t get to see them often enough, but an aunt nonetheless.
This trip, the younger kids were so busy playing with each other it was hard to get their attention, but still I could love and admire them and be amazed at all they had learned since the last time I saw them. I could brag about them. And soon I will go Christmas shopping for them because these kids give me a place in the world of children that I would otherwise miss.
When people talk about their grandchildren, I can talk about the nieces and nephews instead of just reverting to my own childhood or talking about dogs and cats. It feels good.
I told my brother how lucky he was to have this beautiful family. Bless his heart, he said, “Well, you’re part of it.”
We are not all lucky enough to have siblings and nieces and nephews, biological or honorary. Sometimes being around other people’s kids painfully reminds us of the children we will never have. We may also feel awkward because we don’t have experience with young people unless we work with them as teachers, coaches or caregivers. It’s easier to avoid them, along with the adults who ask why, if you like kids so much, aren’t you having any?
You may not be able to relate to kids at this point in your childless life. The wound is too tender. Or maybe they just drive you nuts with their noise and unleashed energy. On my trip, I saw a family with three boys and a girl who jumped out of their car like they were shot out of a canon. As they headed into Applebee’s for lunch, I thought thank God I don’t have to deal with that.
As the aunt, I can give them all a big hug and go off on my free adult way. But as they grow, they will become real people I can talk to and love and brag about as part of my family. Maybe they’ll even help me when I get old. Maybe not, but it’s possible.
If you don’t have any siblings with children, it’s still possible to be an honorary aunt to your friends’ kids. You just have to show up with arms ready for hugging, ears ready for listening, and a heart ready to play. For the parents, you can be an extra set of hands, respite when they need a break, backup they can count on.
If you’re not up to it, that’s okay. But if you are, grab the chance.
Have you heard of The Savvy Auntie? Back in 2009, Melanie Notkin started an organization called The Savvy Auntie that has blossomed into books, blogs, merchandise, and all kinds of support for women without kids who embrace their aunt status. Check it out at SavvyAuntie.com.
Aunthood (and unclehood) is what you make it. You can have a close relationship, none at all, or something in-between. But at least it gives you something to talk about when people are going on about their children and grandchildren or when you’re Christmas shopping and want an excuse to hang out in the toy department.
In literature, as in real life, there are good aunts and bad aunts (ditto for uncles). Auntie Em in “The Wizard of Oz” was nice enough. Who wouldn’t love Aunt Bea from the old “Andy Griffith Show?” But the aunt in Anne of Green Gables? She was mean. Let’s hope we’re the good kind, the aunts who love their nieces and nephews and can match any proud grandma’s stories with stories of their own.
Further reading
Great Aunts of Literature | Book Riot
Aunts and Uncles in Literature: The Good, the Bad, and the Downright Evil
How about you? Are you an aunt or uncle? Do you enjoy it? Why or why not? I look forward to your comments.
Photo by Gustavo Fring on Pexels.com
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I will be participating in another Childless Elderwomen’s chat on Zoom on Sunday, Dec. 15, at noon Pacific time. Our topic is solo aging, and we have a bang-up panel of women you will love. If you register here, you can join us live or receive the recording afterward. This is a webinar, so you will not be seen or heard on screen.
I highly recommend Jody Day’s Substack post “The 3am bag lady blues.” She addresses that fear of growing old alone that many of us share.
Childless by Marriage 
Good advice in this post. I often use my brother’s kids as story telling fodder. It is nice to toss in a little “Susie is loving college too” or whatever. But I don’t have that “close” relationship with any of my nieces or nephews. My family just isn’t close enough for me to have been included a lot or for me to tag along over the years. I know stuff, and I feel the love – but it’s not going to fill a void for me. I’m just not important to them.
My husband’s family is huge – lots of opportunity there. But they have a “club like” culture. I didn’t have children so the “club” formed without me. The one family I was close to – got real religious and my husband and I became bad influences because our worship is different than theirs. We respected their wishes and kept our distance. It was heart-wrenching to be part of their lives but only watching on the sidelines.
My friends have children that enjoy me. But my friends have their own tight knit families. So I’m not going to be invited to things that are “family only”. There is just a line between “family” and “friends”.
In a weird twist – my husband has been mentoring a young teenager. We’re friends with his mother and hired him to do some work around our house. The relationship grew beyond the summer work. This kid has a troubled father (very complicated) and he LOVES my husband. He has behavior issues but seems to obey to everything my husband says.
His mother finally gave up and welcomed us into her life. She allows my husband to help her parent this kid. Sounds awesome and it is. But I often feel left out. This kid likes me but really prefers to have my husband’s full attention. When my husband drives him home he will chat with his mother and together they figure out how to handle different issues. They text a lot. The mom expresses her appreciation to both of us often. Her and I text sometimes. But I’m not really part of this equation. I sometimes feel like my husband had a child with this woman and I’m a step parent.
I do love that my husband has this opportunity. It’s a beautiful relationship. I love seeing this kid change. People tell me all the time that my husband is the best thing that has ever happened to this kid. I should be so excited and happy – but I do get sad and jealous. That’s a secret that I’m only telling you Sue. 😉
I do wonder sometimes what God wants me to do. I don’t have a special child in my life. But He gave one to my husband. I’ve had a few friend leave me, which feels terrible, but then I gained a few new ones who are more positive. In my new church I feel inadequate as a Christian – there is just so much I don’t know. Everyone is so encouraging, but in the womens group this morning I just felt like a pre-teen sitting with the grownups. I’m the same age as everyone else but I feel like I haven’t learned lessons or figured out how to “do” live successfully.
Just having an “off” day. Thanks for listening.
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Love the headline, and I agree. 🙂 My only sister is childfree by choice, but my husband’s brother & his wife have two boys, now grown up, and between them they have three kids — our great-niece and two great-nephews, aged 1 month to 5 years. When the nephews were young, we still assumed we’d be having kids of our own, and I regret the opportunities to spend time with them that we didn’t take because of that. Thankfully, we still have a pretty good relationship with them. We moved closer to them about 8 years ago, and have been happy to help spoil the great-niblings. They are such a delight. 🙂 It’s clear that we are NOT the grandparents, but they are all pretty good about including us in family gatherings and letting us know we’re appreciated. 🙂 I know we are lucky!
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