Author: Sue Fagalde Lick

Emotional infertility and other questions to ponder

Sue Fagalde Lick childless by circumstance, childless in India, educated more likely to be childless, emotional infertility, gateway-women.com, Jessica Valenti, Megan Lloyd Davies, talking about childlessness, women's e-news

Jody of Gateway-women.com,  https:/gateway-women.com, shared a link today for an article called “It’s Not My Fault That I Missed the Chance to Become a Mother” by Megan Lloyd Davies. This is a great article about “emotional infertility,” a term I had not heard before. It basically refers to people who don’t have kids because they never found the right partner or the one they found didn’t want kids. It also acknowledges, thank God, that this can be as painful as physical infertility. Give it a read.You may be comforted by the conclusions Megan reaches and join me in booing some of the thoughtless comments.

Question? How come I read so much more about childlessness from the UK than I do in the US press? A lot of those ladies over there are buying my book, too, via Kindle. Thank you so much. Are Americans less comfortable discussing the subject? Just wondering.

This whole childless thing varies by culture. Every few months I read about someone in India who had committed suicide because they couldn’t have kids. You may be grieving, feeling left out, or just plain pissed because life hasn’t given you children, but imagine living in a place where you’re shunned, harassed and completely shut out of the family if you can’t squeeze a baby out of your uterus. These men and women need our prayers.

In both the US and UK, about one-fifth of women reach age 45 without reproducing, but the statistics are more complicated than that. An article by Jessica Valenti in women’s e-news this week quotes a Pew Research Center study that showed the most educated women are the most likely group to never have a child. In 2008, 24 percent of women ages 40 to 44 with medical or legal, master’s or doctoral degrees had not had children. I have seen similar statistics many times. Why do you think this is? FYI, I have a master’s degree, and my late husband had one, too.

I welcome your comments.

 

Will he change his mind?

Sue Fagalde Lick change his mind about children, denial about childlessness

My first husband said he’d leave if I got pregnant. The marriage ended before I had a chance to see if he meant it. My second husband, who had three children from his first marriage, said he really didn’t want any more. I was 33 and he was 48. We had talked about reversing his vasectomy or adopting a child. The odds of a successful surgery so long after the vasectomy were slim. Adoption agencies felt Fred was too old. And now he was saying he didn’t want to do the dad thing again.  But did I believe him? Deep inside, I still thought I was going to be a mother. How? Immaculate conception? Miracle? Well, I was Catholic.

As age 40 rolled around, I grieved the loss of the children I never had. I felt the pressure of time passing, of my fertility running out. But it would be another 10 years before I could say and believe that I was never going to be a mother. Life would have been easier for all of us if I had accepted the truth sooner and put more energy into developing a stronger relationship with Fred’s children. But no, I was still telling myself that a baby of my own was coming.

How many of us play these mind games, thinking our partner or spouse will change his/her mind? I suppose they do sometimes, but usually they don’t. One of the things I have learned over the years is that you can’t change other people, only yourself. So if the person you love says no to kids, it’s up to you to decide what you’re going to do about it.

Have you seen anyone change their minds about having children? Tell us what happened.

Watch out for those baby pictures

Sue Fagalde Lick baby pictures and childlessness, childless women and baby pictures, the mom club

It happened again last night. I was getting ready to lead church choir practice when one of the older women whipped out her brand new iPad. “Want to see my favorite picture?” she asked me.

I said, “Sure,” but I was thinking, “No, not really.” I had had one of those afternoons when I question the purpose of my life, when I feel awful because I’m alone and getting older and nothing seems to be worth the effort. What, Sue has those days? Yes, I do. You look back, and most of the older generation has died. You look forward, and there’s nobody there. And you ask the dog, “Why bother?” The dog wags her tail. She moseys over and licks my face. She doesn’t worry about such questions, only when do we eat and when are we going for a walk?

Back at choir practice. I just know this is going to be a baby picture. Yep. It’s her son and granddaughter. Her son looks like my late husband, and of course the granddaughter is cute. This is not the day to show me that picture. “Nice,” I say, hurrying back to the piano.

As the choir trickles in, she has to show everyone the picture. This is a woman who didn’t even have email a month ago, and now she’s toting an iPad full of family photos everywhere she goes.

Rehearsal comes to a halt every time someone new walks in and has to see the picture. Then they’re pulling out their Smartphones to show their own grandchildren. Meanwhile, I just want to get through the songs and get the heck out of there. Not one person realizes that their director’s emotions are so raw that one more mention of family and she’ll bleed on the piano keys.

It’s the mom club and she’s not a member.

Most of the time I’m okay, but sometimes, it still hurts like crazy. To all the mothers and grandmothers out there, yes, your baby pictures are beautiful, but sometimes it hurts to look at them. Forgive me if I don’t linger over your beloved photos. I just can’t. But if you’d like to see a few dozen pictures of my dog . . .

Have you ever experienced this, where you feel totally left out of the mom club and full of emotions you don’t know what to do with? What do you do?

“Back to school:” What does it mean if you don’t have kids?

Sue Fagalde Lick childless back to school, childless woman at school, things you can do if you don't have children

Once upon a time, September brought golden leaves, new clothes and the first day of school for my brother and me. While the dew was still wet on the grass, we posed on the front sidewalk for pictures in our new school clothes. Then we kissed Mom goodbye, picked up our sack lunches and shiny new binders and walked the three blocks to Cypress School, excited to meet our teachers and reunite with our friends.
Many years have passed. For people who went on to have children of their own, September is a time of getting ready for the new school year. The moms who were once the children now buy clothes and shiny new binders for their own children. They kiss them goodbye, send them off to school and sigh in relief that their kids are taken care of till 3:00. In the evenings, they help them with their homework and prepare lunches and clothes for the next day. The cycle of life goes on.
But what does the beginning of school mean for those of us who don’t have children? Some of us are teachers who say they have hundreds of children from September to June and love them all.
Some of us are students ourselves, taking college or university classes in preparation for new careers or just to learn. For many years, I was one of those students. I earned my bachelor’s degree before I got married, but I kept going back to school, studying photography and then taking three tries at a master’s degree in writing before I succeeded. If I had had children, I probably would never have earned that degree or spent those earlier years going back to school. College costs so much these days. It’s a luxury that parents struggle to provide for their children. No way can they pay for more education for themselves at the same time.
I dropped out the first time because I was getting divorced and couldn’t afford school anymore. A few years after Fred and I got married, I went back to school. I spent two years taking classes to qualify for the master’s program and was just starting to take master’s-level courses when my stepson Michael moved in with us. I was delighted to have him, but I was working for two newspapers and now I had a child to take care of. I never got to my homework before midnight, and my professors seemed to think school was the only thing we had to do. I reluctantly dropped out.
It was only after Michael grew up and we moved to Oregon that I had the time to finish my degree. I enrolled in a low-residency program and pushed on through the deaths of my mother-in-law and my mother and the beginning of my husband’s illness to finally achieve my goal of a master of fine arts degree in creative writing. I’m still paying on my student loan at an age when lots of people are retired.
I’m not telling you this to boast. I’m trying to make a point. If Fred and I had had children together, we would have spent all our money on their education. My education would be over. Being childless allowed me to focus on my own career and education, and that has been a blessing. When you get to feeling down about not having children, especially in times when so much attention is placed on the kids going back to school, think about how you are free to do things that moms can only dream about.
Is there something you would like to do and can do because you don’t have children to take care of? Why not do it?

A picnic basket for the childless

Sue Fagalde Lick discussion on childlessness, gateway-women.com, new life for childless, old age and childlessness, posts about childlessness, Sue Fagalde Lick, what if you don't want children

Dear friends,
Occasionally I need to gather up the miscellany and  put it all into a picnic basket for you to savor. Here goes:

“Creating a new life for yourself as a childless woman” at Gateway-women.com offers comfort and ideas for digging ourselves out of the pity trench and moving on.

Then there’s “What if you don’t want children, but your husband or partner does?” at the Children or Not blog. It’s a twist on the question at the heart of this blog and my book. What if you’re the one who doesn’t want kids?

Yesterday, a friend told me she has found the daughter she gave up for adoption more than 40 years ago. Now she’s a grown woman with a daughter of her own. She said she hesitated to tell me because she knew I was sensitive on the subject. I knew I should be happy for her, and I am, but mostly I wanted to wail right there in the mall. Why couldn’t it be me showing off a photo of my daughter and granddaughter? Know what I mean?

If you happen to be in or near Lincoln County, Oregon, I’m leading a discussion on childlessness this Sunday at 2:30 p.m. at the South Beach Community Center. It’s free, including refreshments. I’ll tell my story, share a little from my book, then invite everyone to talk about it. If you live a little farther away, would you be interested in having me come lead a similar discussion in your town? Let me know at sufalick@gmail.com.

Have a great weekend.

Baby Talk on LABOR Day

Sue Fagalde Lick Labor Day, people talking about their babies. when friends have babies and you don't

I had dinner at a friend’s house last night to celebrate Labor Day. She and her husband have just welcomed a new grandchild and their first great-grandchild. Between phone calls from the new parents, they talked about the babies, showed pictures and went on and on about family matters. Meanwhile, I cuddled their calico cat, Sophie, in my lap, loving the feeling of her purring against my legs, even as she coated my navy blue slacks with white fur.

My friend knows I don’t have children and wish I did. She knows I max out quickly on baby talk. After the first hour or so, she declared a moratorium on talking about the kids. Although babies still drifted into the conversation, we did discuss many other subjects throughout the evening. The food was good, the house is charming, and the cat is adorable. These people are good friends.

They have health problems and money problems. The best thing in their lives right now is those new babies. So who can blame them if they’re flashing photos, talking about them all the time, and making plans to visit? As a friend, it seems right for me to climb out of my pity pot and share their joy. The babies aren’t mine, but they are still a gift to the world, which includes me, too.

Still, I’m glad they had a cat to cuddle. When I got home, I let my 77-pound dog climb into my lap and we watched “Bachelor Pad” on TV together until we both fell asleep.

Did Labor Day take you into the world of babies? How was it?

People without children vote, too

Sue Fagalde Lick Uncategorized

Has anybody noticed how much every speaker at the Republican National Convention seemed to focus on moms, children and grandchildren? It seems to be a persistent theme. They’re doing their darndest to appeal to women voters, saying things like women should have as much say as men and be encouraged to succeed, yada yada, but it always seemed to be coupled with motherhood. Did anyone hear any of them say anything about women who are not mothers? Or men who are not fathers?

Mitt Romney comes from a big family, and that’s great, although I squirmed when he said his wife “could have” succeeded at anything she wanted to be. Can’t she still? Is motherhood and being the smiling wife of a politician her only role? Come on, Mitt.

Pamela Tsigdinos, author of Silent Sorority, a book about infertility, wrote a great piece this week after Ann Romney’s speech that I think you will enjoy. It’s called “Enough with the Mom Pandering, Ann Romney.”

Wherever one stands politically, I think it’s important for our leaders to understand that we don’t all follow the same path: ivy league college, marriage, children, grandchildren. We’re here. We don’t have kids, but we vote.

Is your family pushing you to have children?

Sue Fagalde Lick family pressure to have children, wanna-be grandparents, when are you going to have children

A few years into my first marriage, family pressure for me to have a child was growing. My mother had my back, as you can see in this excerpt from the Childless by Marriage book.

Perhaps the baby showers got to me, or maybe my ovaries were feeling neglected, but I did start thinking more seriously about children. My cousin Marian, whose mother had just died, clasped my hand as she met me in the aisle after the funeral. She was finally pregnant after years of trying. “Susie, don’t wait too long. Don’t wait until your mother passes away to have a baby.” I knew she was right.

But not yet, Jim always said. And indeed it did not seem like the right time. Wait until I have my degree and we have a house, he said. That made sense. When grandparents and nosy aunts wondered aloud when Susie was going to have children, my mother ran interference. “Oh, they’re not ready yet.” “Yes, of course she wants them.” “They will.” God bless my mother.

And God bless Jim’s mother, who went to her grave without grandchildren. Much as she tried to micro-manage every other aspect of our marriage, she kept her mouth shut about babies.

I was lucky to have parents who didn’t push too hard, who didn’t harass me about having children. I’ve heard horror stories about other families where parents and other relatives have made the situation more difficult than it already is. I’d love to hear your experiences with baby-pushing relatives and how you have handled them.
 

Some people just don’t get it

Sue Fagalde Lick Complete Without Kids, Ellen L. Walker, hurt comments to the childless, Psychology Today interview, why not just adopt?

A few weeks ago, Complete without Kids author Ellen Walker published an interview about my Childless by Marriage book at her blog on Psychology Today.com. You can click the links to refresh your memory. Well, the comments have been coming in. Many are kind, but the anger has started. The first nasty one, which I read yesterday afternoon, made me so uncomfortable I abandoned the computer and started a massive cleanup of my garage. (Anybody got a truck I can take to the dump?) The next one was almost as bad, but that first one hangs on me, like spider webs. I want so much to defend myself, but I know it would not help.
I can’t quote the whole thing for fear of violating copyright, but here’s the opening passage:
“This sounds like ‘Oh the sadness of not being part of the Mommy club because
of my husband’. Cry me a river, why did you marry him if you weren’t compatible in one of the most important ways possible?”
She goes on to say nobody’s going to want to read my book, and she is grateful she doesn’t have children. She doesn’t understand why anybody would want to.
A sample from the second response: “Boo hoo. So you can’t have a biological child. Ever heard of adoption?…And really, the ‘should we have kids or shouldn’t we’ conversation should be raised way before marriage. Like, on the first date. Seriously. Are people
really this stupid?”
Well, yes, I guess we are. If you’re screaming by now, join the club, but lots of people think this way. You’ve probably heard comments like this before. The people who make them don’t understand how it feels to love someone and know you’re meant to be with him or her but not know what to do about that desire to have children. They don’t understand the grief and pain that come with infertility or that adoption is not easy or even always possible. It’s all not as simple as they make it out to be.
I admit that my not having children was at least half my fault, that in some ways every one of their comments is valid. That’s why they make me so uncomfortable. But I hope people can try to exercise a little compassion for people whose situations are different from their own.
What do you think? Go ahead and be honest. I have a lot more work to do in the garage.

Childless cheer-ups from the web

Sue Fagalde Lick Gateway-woman, life without babies, love over motherhood, Melanie Notkin, Slate childfree

Feeling a little down about your situation? I think these posts will make you feel a lot better. Enjoy.

“What the hell am I going to do with my life if I don’t have a baby?” That’s the question posed in today’s Gateway-Woman post. I think you will enjoy reading the answers. And from me, the short answer is: a lot.

Try this Slate article, too. “Do We Secretly Envy the Childfree?”

Finally, here’s a beautiful post by “savvy auntie” Melanie Notkin called “Childless So Far: Why I Choose Love Over Motherhood.”