Author: Sue Fagalde Lick

A few lines send me over the edge

Sue Fagalde Lick A Sudden Country, grief triggers, karen Fisher, reminders of childlessness, telling one's stories

I’m deep into the novel I’m reading, an engrossing tale of life on the Oregon trail, when a paragraph hits me so hard I’m jolted back into real life as if I just fell off a cliff onto the rocks below. I lie there bruised, looking up at the sun and wondering how this happened to me.

The book is A Sudden Country by Karen Fisher. We’re in the mind of James McLaren, a trader and guide who finds himself alone in the mountains where his children died and his wife has gone missing. He is thinking of the old Indian woman friend who is dying nearby. She used to tell him, “A home has stories. Each hill, each river’s bend, takes its name from something long ago.”

Well, he thinks. His home would span a continent, by that measure. But someone had to care. Someone had to know it. It took someone else to name your life and keep it. Stories that your children told their children after.

That’s when I suddenly thought: Who cares enough to name my life and keep my story? I have no children. My husband is gone. My mother is gone. My father is still alive but very old. My brother is far away, but I don’t think he really understands who I am. Does anyone? I have friends, but how will they remember me when I’m gone?

At least as a writer, I can write my stories and save them in books. I know that’s a blessing. But who else will name my life after I die?

It was a perfect afternoon. After a good morning’s writing and a long hike with my dog Annie through a gorgeous trail laden with ferns, skunk cabbage and red alders, after seeing a bald eagle fly overhead, and now being free to laze in this blessed sun that we haven’t seen here all week, it only took a few lines in a book to send me over the edge.

That’s how it is. It’s always there, isn’t it? I have managed to smile at the photos my stepdaughter posts of her granddaughter–she’s adorable, but I’ll probably never meet her–and I have managed to read 300 pages of a book where the main characters’ children are a constant factor, but these lines did me in. Luckily, I can tell you about it and move on. After all, this is a good book, and I’m anxious to find out what happens.

Can you remember times when some little thing made you more aware than ever of the children you never had?

"If I don’t get babies . . . "

Sue Fagalde Lick Childless by Marriage excerpt, mother-writer , , , , ,

I always had this dream of being a mother who was also a professional writer. When I married Fred, it seemed as if at least half this dream might come true. When he proposed, my first reaction, after saying yes and crying happy tears was to announce that finally I could freelance. Hold on a minute, Fred said. He was counting on me adding to the family income. I tried hard, but the newspaper business was tough even back then. With a book contract and regular outlets for me work, I moved into full-time freelancing in 1987, two years after we were married. 

Then, four years into our marriage, Fred’s youngest son, Michael, moved in with us. What follows is a brief passage from my Childless by Marriage book. 

************************************************************************

We rented a house up against the south San Jose foothills. Moving into a suburban neighborhood full of young families, we paid our $1,200 a month and tried to save a little here and there. I was fully committed to freelancing, not even considering looking for a job, and now I had a live-in son. It seemed that I had finally realized my dream of being a stay-at-home mother-writer.

In January 1989, my book money ran out, and my two main article clients both went bust. Our expenses had gone up. Fred was the kind of guy who liked to stay out of debt and have a comfortable cash cushion in savings. A barely employed freelance writer wife did not add much to the bank account.

By March, Fred had begun suggesting that I get a job. I wanted to stay home and write books. Over the years, we have rarely fought, but I held my ground this time. I had been working as hard as I could to earn money with my writing, plus I was helping to raise his son without being able to have my own children. After many more years of the ups and downs of the writing business, including a couple more full-time jobs, the memory is blurry now. But back then I was very clear about it in my journal. “If I don’t get babies, I’m damn well going to get books.”

So I continued to freelance, and I did not have a baby with Fred.

Childless by Marriage is available in print and e-book form at Amazon.com. If you order the paperback directly from me at sufalick@gmail.com, you can have the book for $12, with no shipping charges. 

Playing with the kids at camp

Sue Fagalde Lick childless enjoying other people's kids, Fishtrap

It’s my last full day at Fishtrap, which one participant dubbed “camp with pencils.” We’re near Joseph in far northeastern Oregon, a land of high mountains and real cowboys. We live in tents and yurts, attend workshops, eat cafeteria-style meals, listen to readings every night, and finish off our days with music around the campfire or drinks at Russell’s in Wallowa Lake. At any time of day or night, you can see people huddled over their notebooks or laptop computers writing. It’s as if we have finally found people just like us. These people come in all ages and stages of life.

Fishtrap has a substantial youth program, so there’s a large cadre of teens here. Some have come with their parents or grandparents, each participating in their own programs. Others are here on scholarship with adult chaperones. We also have college-age interns. I’m loving hanging out with the young ones. Last night a high school girl borrowed my guitar and played a great song. You could tell she’s just learning to play, but I felt such a camaraderie, as well as a little motherliness. I’m thrilled at the talent just blooming in these kids.

In my songwriting workshop, we have two college girls, a few baby boomers like me, and Alfred, who is 86 and amazing. We have different levels of life experience and musical training, but we’re all trying to write good songs.

One of our assignments was to interview each other. I traded interviews with Ryann, a senior at Whitman College. She’s beautiful, intelligent, talented and so young. I’m sure I’m way older than her mother, but it’s never as if she’s a kid and I’m an old lady. I’m proud of her and glad to claim her as my friend, and she’s excited when my songs come out well.

There is a beauty in being able to connect with young people who are not our children. I have noticed that the folks who brought their own kids frequently had their writing and socializing interrupted by the needs of their offspring. I didn’t have to worry about that, nor did I have to keep checking in at home.

Childlessness can be tough, but there are ways to bring young people into our lives as their friends, their mentors, their teachers, or their aunts. I highly recommend it.

Lost at Multnomah Falls

Sue Fagalde Lick Uncategorized

So, it turns out I can get online at the coffee shop near where I’m staying at Wallowa Lake in eastern Oregon. I’m currently in the town of Joseph at the foot of the amazing Wallowa Mountains. The town is full of galleries, gift shops and places to eat. Joseph has developed a reputation for its bronze works, and there are bronze statues on every corner. The iced tea I’m drinking is an amazing blend of spices and teas called “Harmony,” which is supposed to balance my chi and make me . . . harmonious. Very Oregonian. Art, soft music, wi-fi and air conditioning, it’s all good.

The only wrinkle is the heat outside, but I can’t complain too much. I’m grateful to have made it here in one piece. Maybe I’ll tell about that sometime.

So what does this have to do with being childless? Well, on the way here, I stopped at Multnomah Falls in the Columbia River Gorge. I had never seen them before. I waited a half hour in an endless line of cars before being able to park and join the throngs heading through a tunnel under Highway 84 to see the falls. At the base of the falls is a river and it was full of children swimming, accompanied by mothers, fathers, and grandparents. I wanted to be in that cool water splashing around, but I realized it would look weird for someone my age to go into the water without a child to watch over.

Everyone there, all those mobs eating gift shop ice cream and taking pictures, came with other people, and most of them had children. I had such a strong feeling of not knowing where I fit in the world. Not a mother, grandmother or wife, a mature woman traveling solo, I felt so left out. I decided I’m the observer.

As for the falls, they are spectacular, rivaling any of Yosemite’s falls. I’m glad I went, but out in the world, I am conscious of flying solo, of having no one to turn to and say, “Wow, isn’t that beautiful.”

Did you ever feel that way?

Traveling without children

Sue Fagalde Lick Uncategorized

Dear friends,
I ought to write something brilliant here, but I’m too busy packing for a writing workshop in Oregon’s Wallawa mountains. Taking off alone is something the single, childless woman is free to do while her motherly counterparts have to either stay home or take the kids with them. So when you’re feeling down about not having kids, consider the flip side, that you’re free to do things, like travel. Of course, I’m not completely unfettered. In addition to untangling from work for a while, I had to find care for Annie, my dear dog. I can’t stand the guilt of putting her in the kennel aka doggie jail again, so we’ll have a dogsitter here to tend the house and keep Miss A. company. It’s more expensive, but hey, it’s Annie.

I might not be able to get on the Internet much while I’m gone, so please be patient if I don’t approve your comments or respond to them right away. Maybe you can reread some past posts. As time passes, our perspective changes.

I have the proof for my Childless by Marriage book in my bag, and the printer will be printing it while I’m gone. You can pre-order it now at the childless website or at Amazon.com.

See you soon.
Sue

Who can you count on to take care of you?

Sue Fagalde Lick caring for dying parents, caring for elderly parents, old age without children, who takes care of the childless

Tomorrow would have been my mother’s 85th birthday. Unfortunately, she never got to be that old. She died of cancer six days after her 75th birthday. She was 15 years older than I am now.

The year Mom died was a hellacious one. In a year, we lost 13 people we loved, including my mother, my mother-in-law, and my ex-husband’s mother. Everyone I had ever called “Mom” was gone.
People who don’t worry about old age without children—because they have children–are always telling me that even if you have kids you can’t count on them to be there when you’re old and sick. I know that’s true in some cases, perhaps many, but that’s not how it works in my family.
When Fred’s father’s health started to fail, he and his mother moved from Las Vegas to Newport, Oregon to be close to us. She didn’t ask, “Would you like to take care of us?” She just decided they were moving to our town. Fred’s dad, who appeared to be in the early stages of dementia and had been diagnosed with congestive heart failure, died suddenly of a massive stroke two months after they arrived. We drove Fred’s mother to the hospital in Portland, stayed with her through it all and took care of her for the next four years until she died of lung cancer.
A few months later, my mother was diagnosed with colon cancer. In those months when she went through chemo and repeated hospitalizations, I spent so much time in San Jose I never unpacked my bags. When she died, Fred and I were there with my dad and my aunt. You don’t say, “Well, I’m busy.” I was working and halfway through my master’s degree, but when your mother is sick, you drop everything and take care of her. If my dad, who is 90 but looks 70, needs me, I’m going.
When I hear people say you can’t count on your kids, I say, “Nonsense. You should be able to, and if you can’t, something’s wrong.”
Yesterday turned out to be an odd Fourth of July. My friends Carol and Jerry were coming up from California and stopping to see me on their way to Portland. We agreed to meet at the farmer’s market in Waldport. When I got there, I saw an ambulance in the parking lot and wondered who might be in it. I had no idea until I got a message from Jerry on my cell phone that Carol was inside. She had complained of feeling strange and nearly collapsed when she got out of the car. So they called 911.
Well, I had plans for the rest of the day, meeting other friends to see a local parade and have lunch after, but as I waited for the paramedics to check Carol out, I realized I had only one choice now. I would accompany my friends to the hospital and stay with them as long as necessary. After all, this was my town, they had never been here before, and they were my friends.
Carol was suffering from low blood sugar. After treatment with glucose and food, she was soon her chatty old self and able to laugh about reuniting under these crazy circumstances on Fourth of July. I missed the parade, but we had a good visit anyway, and I thank God my friend is all right.
Like me, Carol and Jerry are childless. Both wanted to have children, both were married before in situations where it didn’t happen, and now that it’s too late, they share life with three dogs, six cats, and Carol’s mother, who recently moved in with them.
As we talked about my Childlessby Marriage book, Carol admitted that she sees what she’s doing for her mother and wonders who will do that for her if her husband isn’t around anymore. Don’t we all?
I pray that when the need arises for her and for me, someone will be there. I believe a friend, a sibling, a cousin, someone will step up, but don’t tell me it doesn’t make any difference whether or not you have children.
What do you think about this?

Can we redefine marriage to become parents?

Sue Fagalde Lick 21st century marriage, Marriage Confidential, new definitions of marriage, Pamela Haag, romantic marriage passe

 

First, a book review: Marriage Confidential: Love in the Post-Romantic Age by Pamela Haag, Harper Perennial, 2011. In this study of 21st century marriage, Haag suggests that the old vision of two people falling in love, getting married and staying married for life, forsaking all others, is no longer the norm in the 21st century. Rather than being a lifelong love story, many marriages today are “semi-happy,” more of a childraising, home-maintaining partnership. This dense, heavily researched and fascinating book explores how marriage has changed with women joining the workforce and couples having fewer children. Haag looks at how today’s “helicopter” parenting styles can lead to divorce by moving the focus from the spouse to the children, and how monogamy may no longer be practical. “Monogramy is like marriage’s appendix,” she writes. It’s still there, a vestige of earlier imperative functions such as assuring paternity, but does it still serve these purposes?” Haag takes us into the worlds of Internet-based affairs and swinging couples and explores the idea of “ethical nonmonogamy,” where married couples agree that it’s okay to have sex with other people.

The whole thing makes me feel very old-fashioned because I still believe in romance and lifelong commitment. Am I fooling myself? Haag suggests creating new definitions of marriage and finding new ways to fill in what might be missing in our relationships. Not getting enough/any sex? Take a lover. Feeling lonely. Make a connection online. Still love each other but can’t live together? Take adjoining rooms or neighboring houses. Haag doesn’t necessarily endorse these things but notes that marriage is changing.

We were talking last week about how sometimes having children takes the romance out of a marriage. If we don’t have children, the strong connection to our spouses should last longer, right? Or do the feelings still fade with our other responsibilities, such as work, taking care of the home, and caring for aging parents?

Now here’s a crazy thought: If your spouse can’t or won’t have children with you, would it be okay to find somebody else to make babies with? Think of it as an extension of taking a lover. We’re taking a baby-making partner while staying married to our non-parenting spouse. What do you think? Is this totally nuts?

P.S. Legally I have to tell you that the publisher gave me a free copy of Marriage Confidential to review. Make of that what you will.

Childless by Marriage has gone to press

Sue Fagalde Lick Uncategorized

I hesitate to advertise here, but I going to do it today. My Childless by Marriage book went to the printer yesterday and will soon be in paperback form. Copies should be available by Aug. 1.

What’s in this book I keep yammering about? Here’s the summary:

First you marry a man who does not want children. He cheats and you divorce him. Then you marry the love of your life and find out he does not want to have children with you either. Although you always wanted to be a mother, you decide he is worth the sacrifice, expecting to have a long, happy life together. But that’s not what happens. This is the story of how a woman becomes childless by marriage and how it affects every aspect of her life.

The book tells my story, but I also include interviews of many childless women, as well as things I have learned in over a decade of studying childlessness. Chapters include “He Doesn’t Want Children,” “What Have I Done?” Who Knew It was a Sin?” “The Evil Stepmother,” “Exiled from the Mom Club,” “Why Don’t You Have Kids?” “Can a Woman Be a Dog’s Mother,” “Mothering Fred,” “Side Effects of Motherhood” and “What Will I Leave Behind?”

The book will cost $15.95, plus $2.50 shipping and handling. However, if you want to pre-order a copy by mailing a check to Sue Fagalde Lick, P.O. Box 755, South Beach, OR 97366, before Aug. 1, I’ll send it to you for $15 total. I will be putting a Paypal link on my website shortly for online orders, including credit card payments.

Remember, the book is also available as a Kindle e-book for only $2.99.

Questions? Email me at sufalick@gmail.com.

 

Childless? It Could Be Worse

Sue Fagalde Lick painful reasons for being childless, sad stories of childlessness

Sometimes when I’m talking to other childless women, I feel lucky. Sure, I don’t have children and I wish I did, but my reasons for being without children are so much more benign than they could be. That became clear as I interviewed people for my Childless by Marriage book.

For example, Mindy from Arizona said she had a horrible childhood. Her mother was a monster, and she decided she  never wanted to bring a child into this messed-up world. She went into early menopause after being treated for breast cancer, so she couldn’t have a child even if she wanted to.
Karen, also from Arizona, had a premature baby who died at birth. It was so awful she didn’t ever want to risk going through that again.
Jan, a retired teacher from Colorado, had gonorrhea that was misdiagnosed and untreated for years, scarring her fallopian tubes. Later, she had a hysterectomy. In their late 40s, she and her husband briefly considered adopting a special needs child but decided they didn’t want to start a family that late in life.
Another woman with rheumatoid arthritis has been so crippled most of her life that not only did she not feel able to have a child but she couldn’t find a man willing to deal with her handicap.
Many woman have had abortions. Many have been nagged and harassed by their families. Many hate their mothers. Some have husbands who drink or abuse them. Others struggle with mental illness and fear they would pass it on to their children. And of course, many couples try and try to have a baby, only to have their hearts broken when they can’t get pregnant or they suffer one miscarriage after another.
In comparison, I was blessed. My mother, God rest her soul, was a saint. She loved me unconditionally and supported me in my choices. I know she would have loved to be a grandmother. When I think about what it would have been like to see her holding my child, I weep. But she never pressured me about having children.
My family did not abuse or misuse me. My ex-husband may not have loved me the way I wanted, but he was civil. So far, I have not had cancer or other horrible illnesses. I get along with my stepchildren and their mother reasonably well, especially compared to what I hear about other families. I was blessed with a loving husband, a good home, enough money, health insurance, friends, work I love, and faith. I wish I had children, but still, I have to remember how lucky I am.
When you get to feeling down, stop thinking about what you don’t have and focus on what you DO have. I know it’s hard, but it really helps. And if you have a painful story you want to tell, we’re here to listen and care.

Does having children take the romance out of marriage?

Sue Fagalde Lick children taking the romance out of marriage, effect of children on marriage, Marriage Confidential, Pamela Haag, why people don't want children

Are you or your partner hesitant to have children because of the effect it would have on your marriage?

I’m reading this book called Marriage Confidential: Love in the Post-Romantic Age by Pamela Haag. It’s not about childlessness, but about marriage. It’s very interesting, and it makes me feel about a hundred years old. Apparently things have changed since I got married in the last century.

In Haag’s view, marriages alter irrevocably with the arrival of children. Instead of focusing on each other, the mother and father turn all their attention to the children. They become sexless partners in the business of raising children. One of my favorite lines is: “As far as erotic charge goes, one day you’re sleeping with a lover-husband, and the next you might as well be in bed with a toaster.” In this age of two-income families and “helicopter parenting,” Haag suggests, there is no time or energy left for each other, or for a social life outside the family.The romance goes away.

I think back on my marriage to Fred. We acted like newlyweds for over 25 years. If we had had children, would that romantic feeling have been destroyed? Is that part of what happened to his first marriage? I’ll never know. I do know that when I was raising my two puppies, everything was about the dogs, and I sometimes made their needs a higher priority than Fred’s needs. Would it have been even worse with children? I don’t know. Maybe this is just how it’s supposed to be; you have children and marriage morphs into something different–but not necessarily something bad.

What do you think? Have you ever experienced this or worried about it happening? Is this why your partner doesn’t want to have children?