Author: Sue Fagalde Lick

It’s Baby Season Again

Sue Fagalde Lick baby season, childless feel left out, children at the mall, mom club

Yesterday, I ran away to the “valley,” Oregon’s Willamette Valley between the Pacific Coast Range and the Cascades. I felt like I was smothering in gray sky, rain and storm-battered evergreens, work was frustrating, and I just had to get lost for a day. Do you ever feel like that? I have always had those days, and, not having children to care for, I can just get in the car and go.

My main destination was the mall in Albany, OR. Seventy miles away, it’s the closest one to where I live, and it’s not much of a mall. I’d have to drive a hundred miles for the real thing. I was hoping to find some new slacks and something pretty to wear for an upcoming party.

What I found was babies everywhere. Here in our small town on the coast, I live in an area dominated by retirees and tourists, so I guess I’m not used mainstream America, but everywhere I looked were young women with small children and/or pregnant bellies. Did I envy these young moms? Not really. Many of the kids were screaming, grabbing at the merchandise or talking incessantly. The visibly pregnant women looked . . . uncomfortable. What I did envy was how most of them came in pairs or groups with other young mothers, how they shared this stage of life with others going through the same thing. I never had that. Perhaps you haven’t had it either.

In the stores, whole sections don’t apply to me, the ones containing maternity clothes and things for children. There’s an invisible wall in front of those areas that says, NOT YOU. I bought some slacks, but did not find the dress of my dreams. What ever happened to lovely fabrics and tasteful designs made for adults? But that’s a whole other subject.

On the way home, I stopped at a park that runs along the Willamette River in Corvallis. It was warm enough to leave my coat in the car. The trees are starting to blossom, and the river, flooding and muddy a few weeks ago, looked green and peaceful now. Sitting at a picnic table, I watched a young engaged couple walk by, followed by a photographer taking pictures. I watched a father on a bike tow his baby in one of those plastic baby trailers while the mom roller-bladed beside them. And I watched four young men, possibly college freshmen from nearby Oregon State, pass by on skateboards. I observed and felt life passing by me.

Is it just me or are there more babies this time of year? In the fields I passed on the way to Albany, I saw lambs and calves. It’s spring, and the humans are reproducing, too. Have we bypassed the natural progression, missed baby season? Perhaps. But like the river, we move on. Have a fun weekend. Do something you couldn’t do if you had children.

Sharing our childless stories

Sue Fagalde Lick books on childlessness, Childless: Reflections on Life's Longing for Itself, Gillian Guthrie

I have been reading a new book from Australia called Childless: Reflections on Life’s Longing for Itself by Gillian Guthrie. Here’s an article about it called “Grieving for the Child She Never Had,” published in the Brisbane Times. Gillian had two bad marriages to guys whose problems made them bad candidates for fatherhood. By the time she found the man she’d like to make babies with, she was too old. Familiar story? She tells it well. My book won’t be out until next month, so you have time to read this one. I’ll provide a full review when I finish.
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I got a note from a Canadian journalist who is writing a series of articles about women who delayed motherhood, thinking they’d have children later, then found they were unable to conceive. She’s looking for women, preferably Canadian, who would be willing to share their stories. If you’re interested or know somebody who would be, contact Lia Grainger at liagrainger@gmail.com.
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I found an amazing list of childless/childfree women who have done great things at Pinterest. The list might make you smile.
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Finally, I have realized that you ought to know that you can keep up with me on a daily basis if you “friend” me at Facebook, where I’m @suelick.

Childless by Marriage book publication date set

Sue Fagalde Lick Childless by Marriage book

I know. I’ve been talking about it for years. I wasn’t even pre-menopausal when I started this project, and now I’m post-menopausal. But it’s coming. Childless by Marriage, the ebook, is scheduled to be released May 13, which happens to be Mother’s Day.Instead of moping about your childless state, you can read this. I’m starting with a Kindle ebook, which will be very reasonably priced. In that format, we can easily work out the kinks–if we find any–before the paperback goes to press.

I’m currently tweaking the formatting and stressing out over how my family, especially my stepchildren, will react. I worry about revealing so much of my life to everyone I know and everyone I don’t know, but we need to tell our stories so people will understand what it’s like to be childless in a world where most people have children.

Right now, I’m working with an artist on cover ideas. If you have suggestions, I’d love to hear them. I don’t want anything cartoonish. There is occasional humor in the book, but being childless because you have a partner who can’t or doesn’t want to have babies with you is a serious matter. It deserves a dignified cover. So I welcome your ideas that I can share with Jeffery over the next week or so. He designed my Shoes Full of Sand cover, so I have faith that he’ll come up with something wonderful.

So, ideas?

Eugenics caused thousands to be childless

Sue Fagalde Lick eugenics, forced sterilization

I just finished reading an article in Essence magazine about eugenics. Have you heard of this? Between 1929 and 1974, it was legal in 32 U.S. states to force women to be sterilized against their will. Thousands of sterilizations took place in the name of preventing people who were considered inferior from procreating. Many were poor or disabled in some way. Many were black. Many were in their teens and sterilized without their consent. Their families were sometimes told they would lose their welfare benefits if they didn’t do it. Can you imagine having this done to you, prohibiting you from ever having children? I’m shocked that it was still legal when I was a young adult.

In other countries, many more people have been sterilized, including hundreds of thousands in Nazi Germany and Japan, and it still happens in some places.

This is done with animals all the time. It’s called “selective breeding.” People prevent the weaker animals from procreating to create a superior line of offspring. But is this right for people? Who has the right to decide who gets to breed?

Among those people who don’t want children, I often read about women asking to be sterilized by having their tubes tied. If that’s their choice, that’s a different thing. Just as we can choose to use birth control or to marry a man who has had a vasectomy, it’s our decision to make. But nobody should make it for us, especially in such an irrevocable way. We might be able to find a new partner, but we can’t get a new body.

What do you think about this?

For more information on eugenics, go to http://www.faqs.org/health/topics/45/Eugenics.html or this shocking story in the Charlotte Observer about a eugenics victim who was sterilized in 1971.

Why didn’t I ever think of this?

Sue Fagalde Lick Holy Thursday, husbands who don't want children, infertility

It’s Holy Week and we’re crazy busy at my church, where I co-lead the choirs. We have services every night. After the Holy Thursday Mass yesterday, we were invited to stay and meditate, somewhat like Jesus’ invitation to the disciples to stay with him in the garden of Gethsemane after the Last Supper. While I sat there, breathing incense and staring at Jesus on the cross, I thought about a conversation that took place earlier in the chapel where we rehearse. Somebody talked about her age in 1963 when President Kennedy was shot and then we all started comparing how old we were then. I was 11, home from school with chicken pox. My friend who started the conversation was already in college. That led me to thinking about my husband Fred, who was 15 years older than me. In 1963, he had been married for four years–without children.

Fred married his first wife in 1959. Until I was sitting in the church last night, I never thought about how they didn’t adopt their first child until 1966. They spent seven years trying to conceive before they adopted a son, followed by a daughter two years later. In 1976, 17 years into their marriage, Fred’s first wife became pregnant and gave birth to their second son. All those years, they must have been living with infertility and worrying that they might never have children. I’m not Fred’s only wife who spent a long time without children. God knows why I never thought about this before.

Now I wish I could talk to Fred about it. Was he worried? Did he agree to adopt because he wanted children or because Annette did? It’s one of those times when I wish I could have Fred back for a few minutes to ask all the questions to which I don’t have answers. It would be swell if he could identify some of the tools in the garage and show me how to use the lawnmower, too.

Do I dare ask his ex? She was here for Fred’s funeral, but I didn’t think about it then. Do I just file this under ancient history that is none of my business?

I thought about lots of things during that long silence at church, little things like how much my feet hurt from standing and how I looked forward to having a snack when I got home to big things like thanking God for my many blessings. But realizing Fred and his first wife were childless for a long time really got my attention. After all that they went through, I came along asking for children. No wonder Fred wasn’t up for another round.

Thanks for letting me share. Happy Easter to everyone. Please try to enjoy whatever you have in your life and not let what you don’t have spoil the good stuff.

What if the situation were different?

Sue Fagalde Lick infertility, marriage without children, partners who can't give you children

We often talk here about partners who deny us children because they don’t want them. They already have offspring from a first marriage or they just don’t want kids. Like many of you, I married a man who had been married before. He was older, he had three children from his first marriage, and he considered that part of his life finished. He had sealed the deal with a vasectomy.

That vasectomy complicated matters. Surgery to reverse it might or might not work. He wasn’t interested in finding out. Nor did he want to try any of the other ways we might acquire a child; he just didn’t want a baby in the house.

But what if he was simply unable to father children? It’s possible that he couldn’t have given me what I wanted anyway. Fred and his first wife didn’t conceive for 16 years after they got married. The doctors never figured out why. Assuming they could not get pregnant, they adopted their first two children. Eight years later, his wife gave birth to a son.

How do I know that was not the one and only time Fred’s sperm could do the job? What if instead of telling me he didn’t want any more children, he had told me, “I CAN’T give you children.” I loved him so much that I probably would have married him anyway, but it puts a whole different light on the situation. The decision would be irrevocable. I wouldn’t have adopted; I have never been interested in raising someone else’s child.

Now what if you were the one who physically couldn’t produce a child? How would you feel if your spouse or partner really wanted kids? How would it change your relationship?

It’s something to think about.

Tempted by the wrong guy

Sue Fagalde Lick abusive men, childlessness and bad timing, wrong situation for having a baby

Once upon a time, between marriages, I dated this guy I’ll call T.J. He was brilliant, charming, loving and sexy, but he was also verbally and physically abusive and a little insane. I completely fell for him. I still feel the attraction to him many years later, even though I know it’s dangerous to even think about it. Anybody who has ever been with an abusive guy will understand.

I bring him up because T.J., unlike the men I married who didn’t want to have kids with me, frequently offered to father my children. He urged me to get rid of my birth control, saying things like, “I know you want to have my baby” and “We would make beautiful children together.”

It was so tempting, but he was a scary guy, and we were not married. This was back a while when pregnancy out of wedlock was still a scandal. My parents would never have forgiven me, and I probably would have lost a job that I loved, with no guarantee that T.J. would stick with me. I gambled with the “rhythm method” for a while, but really tried not to get pregnant. Wrong time, wrong guy. Apparently it was my only chance.

Have you had a situation in your life where you could have had a baby, but the situation was just wrong? What happened? How do you feel about it now?

Read my guest post at Life Without Baby

Sue Fagalde Lick I'm Taking My Eggs and Going Home, Life Without Baby, Lisa Manterfield

Dear friends,
Lisa at the Life Without Baby blog was kind enough to display my guest post “That He Would Do This for Her” today, Friday, March 23. I think you will relate and enjoy many of the posts at that site. Lisa Manterfield is the author of a fine book, I’m Taking My Eggs and Going Home,which I have discussed here before. Her circumstances are a little different, but we have a lot in common. In addition to her own posts, she invites other writers to join the discussion.

I have been informed that people are having trouble subscribing to my Childless by Marriage blog. Try clicking “follow” and then “posts” and use the Google interface. It seems the most user-friendly. Please let me know if this doesn’t work. I’m thinking about moving to a different blog host and this would be a good reason to do it. I don’t want to lose any of you.

My book is coming soon. A childless friend told me yesterday that my books are my babies. She may be right. What do you think? Are some of us destined to produce things other than human children?

Visiting the family

Sue Fagalde Lick childless family visits, traveling alone

Hi. I haven’t posted because I’ve been on the road for the last week. It was time to visit the family in California.

I imagine this sort of visit would have been much different if I had kids. As it was, I traveled alone, stayed with my father and went almost everywhere with him as my companion. The only difference between now and thirty years ago is that we’re both much older.

I left Dad home to have lunch with my stepdaughter. I really enjoyed that lunch. Now that we are both adults and her father is gone, it’s more of a “friend” relationship than any kind of mother-daughter thing. It’s two people with some shared history, memories of the same man, and a lot of affection for each other. We talked about school, work, money, men, food. . . She has two grown children and a granddaughter, but she’s single, and her kids are off on their own. It’s amazing to me that I have this smart, gorgeous woman in my life.

Unfortunately my father doesn’t feel any desire or obligation to connect with her anymore now that Fred is gone.

We visited my brother and his wife, who live about three hours away from Dad. Their daughter, my niece, came for a couple hours, but I spent more time with their dogs. With them, there is no awkwardness, just instant adoration.

Saying goodbye to my father just killed me. He’s very old, and I’m always afraid I won’t see him again.

If I had kids and grandkids, I imagine that would we would be one of those big groups going out to eat together, hanging out at one of their houses, talking, playing games, cooking, doing dishes, looking at old photos . . . Dad would be absorbed into this group.

Instead, we both travel solo. Last night, I got seated in the far corner of a restaurant where nobody else was eating alone. The jolly waitress called me “Hon.” I sipped chardonnay and read a book called “Going Solo.”

I should be home and reunited with my dog today. Talk to you soon.

Childlessness by marriage: It’s a question of timing

Sue Fagalde Lick celebrating with woman friends, childless birthday, childless men, meeting at different stages of life, poem by Sue Fagalde Lick

A friend told me about a family member of hers who is dating a man who wants to have children. He’s not interested in adoption, only in having a biological child of his own. But she’s 42. She has already had children from her first marriage, and she has had her tubes tied. It’s the reverse of the situation many of us women face. I don’t know these people, but I feel for them. There’s no happy solution, is there?

It comes down to a matter of timing. In the days when most people only got married once and stayed married for life, they would have their children together. Now, with divorce being so common and people delaying marriage into their 30s and 40s, we have men and women who didn’t have children marrying people who have already had them and don’t want any more. Sometimes there’s an age difference, but it’s more often a difference in life experience. Those who are parents lived through the baby-making stage of their lives with other people. If you weren’t doing the same thing, you missed your chance. Maybe you can convince your partner to start over, but he or she would probably rather not. It’s a tough situation.

Your thoughts?

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Thank you for your birthday wishes yesterday. It was a good birthday. It was a little light on the family side, but a wonderful group of woman friends treated me to lunch and showered me with music, cards and gifts. Afterwards, Annie and I took a long walk on the beach. I treated myself to raviolis for dinner and talked to a friend on the phone for over an hour, the way we used to do when we were kids.

I really didn’t miss having children yesterday. I was surrounded by women approximately my age. Most do have children and there was some talk of them, but I have known their children since they were little and I care about them. Now that the kids are grown, their mothers have lots of other things to talk about. In some ways, this was easier than celebrating with children and grandchildren, with whom I would have less in common–and whom I would probably have to feed and entertain. I feel as if I have made a good start on building a community of sisters with whom I can spend the important occasions of my life.