childfree

No Way Baby!

Sue Fagalde Lick childfree, childless by choice, Karen Foster, No Way Baby

Karen Foster, a Portland, Oregon counselor and speaker, has published a new book called No Way Baby! In it, she offers people like herself, whom she calls “childfrees,” information to refute the dumb things people say to them. We’re all heard these things: “So, you don’t like kids?” “It’s your duty to go forth and multiply.” “But I want grandchildren.” “Who will take care of you when you’re old?” and “You’ll regret it.” Sound familiar?

Of course, those of us who are childless by marriage or otherwise not by choice might have different answers from what Foster offers. She does acknowledge the difficulty of being in a relationship where one person wants kids and the other doesn’t. There is no way to compromise on this issue, she says. One person always loses.

Foster is not anti-child and applauds people who consciously choose to be parents, but you get a little taste of her attitude when she talks about being “child-burdened” vs. “childfree.”

There’s a lot of good information in this book, although it sometimes wanders off course. For example, we don’t need the whole history of Social Security or a rehash of the feminist movement. We can, however, find lots of useful information and encouragement for enjoying life as non-parents in this book.

 

The Non-Mom Club

Sue Fagalde Lick childfree, childless, Non-mom club, vasectomy, yoga

The other day at yoga class, I discovered that Nancy, who exercises next to me, never had children either. It wasn’t a long discussion. While the mom-types were talking about their kids, she muttered something about not having done that. I said, “So you didn’t have children either?” She said, “Nope,” and that was it. No more discussion needed. It was time to cross our legs and walk our hands forward, stretching out our backs and focusing on our nasal breathing. Leave everything else outside. Let it go, the teacher said. Later I discovered she’d never had children either. Same story as mine. Husband with kids, vasectomy, not wanting any more.

But now it was time for yoga. We bent, we breathed. We spoke no more. Without knowing why or what had happened to make Nancy a non-mother, I felt less lonely and realized that although I will never be an official member of the Mom Club, I am part of an ever-growing Non-Mom club, women who for whatever reason never had children. At this point, among women over 40, that’s approximately 25 percent of us. Wherever I go, aside from obvious child-centered places like schools and kiddie playgrounds, I’m going to find others like me. It was a good and comforting feeling.

All I really know about Nancy is that she’s a nurse at the local hospital, currently cross-training to work in pre-op. She has a perfect figure but uncontrollable curly hair, and she is more flexible than I am. She can get her head all the way to the floor. Oh, and she has the most beautiful flowered green yoga mat.

There’s got to be a better name for the Non-Mom club, something more mellifluous. Help me out with a name. I’m won’t accept the “Childfree Club” because some of us really wanted children and feel the loss. But the “Childless Club” sounds so sad and doesn’t include those who are just fine with not having kids.

Whatever we’re called, we didn’t have children. However we feel about it, we’re in good company.

Thanks, Nancy.

Another one of those books

Sue Fagalde Lick Barbara Jean Hicks, books, childfree, China Doll, infertility, men who don't want children

A friend recommended I read a novel called “China Doll” by Barbara Jean Hicks because it was about a woman who yearned for children falling in love with a man who didn’t want them. So I bought it. 77 cents for the used copy on Amazon.com, almost $4 for shipping. Setting aside the 1960s cover and the general corniness and predictability, plus the in-your-face fundamentalist religion, I’ve just got to say we’ve been duped again. By the final page, the woman has adopted a child, the man has fallen in love with both the child and the woman, and they get married and live happily ever after as a “real family.” It wasn’t all a lost cause because parts of it take place right here where I live, but that doesn’t fix things. I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of books where the woman who wants a baby gets a baby in the end.
There seem to be two kinds of books out there about childlessness: the “childfree” books that talk about how life is just fine without kids, and “the oh it hurts so much that I can’t have babies” books, which usually end happily in birth or adoption.
In real life, sometimes you want a baby, but you don’t get one, and you have to live with that fact. Has anyone out there ever read a book that told how it really is? That’s what I’m working on. Comments welcome.