childless during the holidays

Surviving our childless holidays

Sue Fagalde Lick childless at Christmas, childless during the holidays, childless on Halloween, Halloween without kids, surviving holidays without kids

Halloween is over, thank God, but I’m still getting comments and private emails from childless people for whom it was a painful experience. Everyone else seemed to be having a great time with their children and grandchildren, but the holiday just reminded them they didn’t/couldn’t/probably never would have kids. Sucks, doesn’t it.

I spent Halloween here alone in my house in the woods, baking muffins for the church bazaar. I bought little Hershey bars because that’s what my mother used to buy, and they made miss her even more than usual. I put up Halloween lights and waited for kids to come. But nobody came. Not a single knock on the door. The few kids who live nearby probably went elsewhere or stayed home, discouraged by the rain and the darkness out here. It was just me mixing one batch of muffins after another, and the dog watching in the hope that I might drop something delicious on the floor. By 9:00, I decided nobody was coming and turned off the lights. My legs were tired from standing at the kitchen counter, and I felt bad about missing another Halloween.

The very next day, yesterday, the Christmas TV commercials started, full of presents for little kids. I have no kids to buy gifts for, and no little kid will be wrapping a present for me.

Gosh, I sound sorry for myself. I’m just saying the holidays are hard when you don’t have children and you wanted them. But we need to get ourselves off our self-pity pots and do something positive. I could have invited people over or found a Halloween party to go to. I could have maybe helped with an event in town. I could donate my candy to a children’s shelter or send it to the troops overseas. I don’t have to eat those little candy bars one at a time and miss my mom with each fattening bite.

Now I can get myself busy with Christmas activities, with and without children, and make or buy gifts for families who can’t afford to buy their own. I can offer my company to lonely seniors. I can spend the holidays at a tropical island reading trashy novels and drinking pina coladas. Maybe find a handsome islander and make love all day long.

With advance planning, our holidays can not only be less painful but even fun. What other ways can we survive our childless holidays? Suggestions?

At least I didn’t put a Halloween costume on my dog.

Grieving over childlessness lasts a long time

Sue Fagalde Lick childless during the holidays, childless grief, grieving over lack of children

Dear friends,
The holidays can be tough for a lot of reasons, but not having children–and wishing you had them–can make it especially difficult. Everywhere you turn, you see children. You attend family gatherings where everyone else seems to have kids, watch your friends going all out to make Christmas special for their children, and you get bombarded by child-centered TV shows and commercials.

If you are alone, it’s even harder. Comments on a much earlier post about childless grief have increased lately. I’m sure the holidays have something to do it. Some of the comments are just heart-breaking. Martha wrote to me yesterday. She didn’t marry until she was 40. She wanted children. Her husband said he didn’t. She hoped he’d change his mind, but then, only five years after their marriage, he died of a heart attack at age 48. Now she’s 45, still wanting children but beginning to doubt that it will ever happen. An only child, she has no nieces or nephews, and so many members of her birth family have died that she is in danger of being the last one left. It’s hard to know what to say except to urge her to build a family of friends who can help her move on.

Others wrote to me after Thanksgiving. Ericka, for instance, found it really difficult to be around her nieces and nephews this year. They just reminded her of what she didn’t have.

The holidays are challenging, but if we can count our blessings and treasure the people we do have in our lives, we can get through this and maybe even enjoy it.

Don’t sit home and stew. Get busy. If you’re alone, call a friend. If you don’t have a friend, make one. Volunteer somewhere. Reach out, and someone will reach back.

Tidbits for the Christmas stocking

Sue Fagalde Lick Carol Caldwell, childless during the holidays, Childless in Church, Miss Magdalen, No I Did Not Forget to Have Children, tarot readings, Tiffany Lee Brown

The holidays can be tough for folks dealing with childlessness. We’re surrounded by advertising showing happy families with lots of kids around the Christmas tree and all the great gifts we can buy them. Other people’s children are putting on their Christmas pageants and making little gifts. I suppose they’re using computers instead of construction paper and paste these days, but I don’t have kids, so I don’t know. Anyway, I found a couple things online I thought you might enjoy.

On the serious side, Carol Caldwell offers thoughts about being childless in a church full of moms at her blog, No, I Did Not Forget to Have Children. She has some good ideas for coping during the holiday season and throughout the year.

And for fun, one of my childless friends, Tiffany, is offering gift certificates for the tarot readings she gives as Miss Magdalen. Says Tiff, “A number of my tarot clients are specifically dealing with biological clock, baby, and infertility issues. Wouldn’t you or one of your loved ones simply adore getting a genuine, proper Tarot reading as a holiday gift? Why yes, you would! My psychic powers predict it. Readings may be redeemed in person or over the phone.

“I’ve been reading Tarot for nearly two decades and I’m now applying my spooky powers toward fundraising purposes. all proceeds benefit the non-profit arts and literary organization 2GQ — specifically, computer related expenses — and my work-in-progress, The Easter Island Project — specifically, expenses for related travels to San Francisco, Seattle, and of course, Easter Island, Chile, in the South Pacific.
Please see http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=16965841 for more info & to purchase your gift certificate. Let the mystical mayhem begin!”

So, hey, if you’re wondering whether the future holds the pitter-patter of tiny feet or puppy paws, check it out.

Christmas is two weeks away. Enjoy all the good stuff and let the rest go.

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