childless feeling left out

“I Chose to Be Childfree. I didn’t think I was choosing isolation, too” 

Sue Fagalde Lick childless feeling left out, losing friends when they have babies, when your best friend gets pregnant , , , , , , , , ,

When writer Cassidy Randall’s friend announced that she was pregnant, Randall felt betrayed. The friend she counted on to join her for spontaneous trips, hikes, concerts, or whatever struck their fancy, would soon join the circle of parents whose lives revolved around their families. 

It wasn’t the first time this had happened. One by one, everyone seemed to be leaving her for the mommy track.

When she chose her childfree life, Randall writes in a Jan. 9 article at The Guardian, “I never consciously chose the tradeoff of categorical exclusion from conversations, gatherings and entire friend circles.” 

For those of us who are also single, I think we feel the same kind of loss when our partnerless friends find someone and become unavailable. Suddenly, it’s “Sorry, X and I have plans” or “Sorry, his kids are coming over.” While we’re glad they’re happy, we feel abandoned. You thought you were partners in non-parenting, and suddenly you’re on the outside looking in. 

Randall suffered from endometriosis. When she had surgery for it, the doctor asked if she’d like him to remove her fallopian tubes, too, since she didn’t plan to have children. She told him to go ahead, not realizing this choice would set her apart for the rest of her life. 

Parents are linked by school and after-school events. They meet for playdates, birthday parties, or just to chat about mutual concerns.  I remember the years when most of our church choir had young kids. I often found myself left out of the conversations as they discussed soccer or swim events, shared rides, frustrations with particular teachers, religious education, etc. They were not even aware of me loitering nearby, not sure whether to butt in or just go home. 

Now, we have more in common because their kids are grown. I only feel left out when they start sharing the grandbaby photos. I try to fit in with pictures of my great nieces and nephews, but it’s not the same.

Randall did not want to lose her friends, so she tried to keep in touch. When a friend who usually turned down her invitations was finally able to go skiing with her, the friend thanked her for the invitation and for not giving up. She was glad to know there was still life outside of parenting. 

Years ago, I published an essay in an anthology called My Other Ex, about women’s friendships breaking up. I had lost a friend who became so obsessed with her kids she didn’t seem to see me, even when I was in the same room. Before she had children, we worked together, turning out articles for a local newspaper, and had lots of fun outside of work. She was a bridesmaid for my second wedding. But then the babies came. After one too many times being ignored, I gave up.

Many years later, I don’t know where she is or what she’s doing. The boys must be grown by now. With the maturity of age and having been a caregiver for my parents and my husband, I understand she had no choice back then. Caring for little kids takes all of your attention, time, and energy. You can’t just put them in the yard like a puppy. But when the kids go to school and get old enough to look away for a while, your friends have more time for you, if you stick around. 

Parenting is often said to be the most important job there is. I don’t have to be a parent to see that. But how do we fit into the picture without feeling completely isolated? 

I have no perfect answers. When my friends and family were having babies, I mostly shied away. But I do have some suggestions:

  • Don’t take offense because they’re too busy to socialize with you. They just can’t right now. 
  • Instead of focusing on your own lack of children, take an interest in theirs. Join their activities when you can. Cheer at their soccer games, go with them to Chuck E. Cheese, or watch a child-friendly movie together. You can bring the popcorn. 
  • Offer to help, even to babysit if you’re comfortable with that.
  • Keep in touch. Invite them out or ask if you can come over. If they say no, try to understand. Someday, they might say yes.
  • A “how are you doing?” text or a bouquet of flowers might make their day.
  • Help them buy gifts for their kids. Sit with them at the hospital if a child is hurt or take care of the healthy siblings. Help pick up the Legos. Bring food so they don’t have to cook.
  • Instead of feeling betrayed and left out, expand your friendship into honorary aunthood. Expand your two-some to include the mate and kids.  

If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, the saying goes.

I know it’s hard. It might be too painful to be around children when you can’t have any of your own. A good friend will understand that. Maybe you can Facetime while the kids are napping or arrange a “playdate” for just you and your friend. Sometimes you are going to be left out, no matter what you do or say, because you don’t have children. Our lives are different; it can’t be helped. We may have to make new friends. But we can at least be open to staying connected. 

Enough from me. When do you feel most isolated, especially among people who have children? How do you react? Do you have any advice for how to deal with this?

Feel free to share stories of times when you felt especially left out or to disagree with my suggestions. 

Anything that makes us different, including childlessness, age, disability, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and so many other things, can divide us. I feel that way not only because I’m childless but because I’m widowed and live alone. I write about it at my Substack “Can I Do It Alone?” My main goal there, as for everything I write, is to build community and to shine a light on what our lives are like.  

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Father’s Day vs. Mother’s Day: Is It Easier for Guys?

Sue Fagalde Lick childless feeling left out, childless men, Father's Day , , , , ,

Father’s Day is this Sunday in the United States. Is it just me, or does Father’s Day get a lot less attention than Mother’s Day?

Think about it. Moms get flowers and presents. Restaurants are flooded with people taking their moms out to brunch. The clergy praise the glories of motherhood while the media overflows with ads for Mother’s Day gifts.

Fathers get a card and a Best Dad mug, and we’re done.

Mother’s Day makes those of us who are not mothers want to crawl into a cave where people won’t assume we are mothers or make us feel small for not having children. Stepmoms yearn for recognition from their stepchildren, but it rarely comes. “You’re not my mom” is the kids’ theme song.

Father’s Day is kind of ho-hum. No flowers, fewer ads, less to-do. The clergy may still rattle off a prayer for dads, but generally guys don’t deal as much with assumptions about their parenting status or guilt if they’re not dads. It’s almost a regular day, except for the ads for fishing gear and barbecue supplies.

The holiday still can sting. Tony, a frequent commenter here, calls it “Chopped Liver Day” because that’s how he feels. Father’s Day is another reminder that he is still not a dad, that he will not be adding a World’s Best Dad mug to his collection.

If we’re lucky enough to have our parents around, we can turn our energies to honoring them. If the parents are gone or you don’t get along, that adds another layer of sadness. My father would have said, “It’s just another day,” but if it’s a day that makes you feel left out, it’s not just another day.

What do you think? Is Father’s Day different from Mother’s Day?  Why or why not? How will you handle the holiday? I will be playing the piano at church. When Father Joseph calls for the fathers to stand up, I will be watching to see who does not stand up. I will sympathize with them.

Stay off social media this weekend, and Monday, too. All those happy family photos will kill you.

Have a peaceful weekend. We will get past this parent-palooza and on to Fourth of July.

Additional reading:

“Thoughts for Childless Men on Father’s Day”

“Coping with Father’s Day as a Childless Man,” by Dr. Robin Hadley 

Some background on Father’s Day: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/father%27s_Day

“Father’s Day Tortures Childless Men”

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What if nobody was talking about their kids?

Sue Fagalde Lick childless feeling left out, Jody Day , , , , , , , , , ,

What is it like to be in a room full of people who are childless like you? A room where no one insists on showing you their baby pictures or asks when you’re going to “have a family” of your own?

I can tell you it’s fantastic. In 2017, I attended the NotMom Summit in Cleveland, Ohio. Organizer Karen Malone Wright invited women who were childfree by choice and who were childless not by choice for whatever reason. One might wonder if the two groups would clash, but we had so much more in common than we had differences that we bonded immediately.

Putting on an in-person conference of any kind is a huge endeavor, requiring a lot of money, time and effort, and Wright was not able to do it again, but this year Kati Seppi, who has hosted an annual Childless Collective Summit online for the past years, is hosting the first in-person Childless Collective Summit April 12-14 in Charleston, South Carolina. The weekend includes talks, workshops, opportunities to get to know other women and men who don’t have children, and a fun day at the beach. Keynote speaker Jody Day, founder of Gateway Women, is one of many great reasons to consider going.

Seppi says, “The theme of the summit is celebration. If you’ve had to let go of your dream of parenthood, celebrating may be the last thing on your mind. But, please hear me when I tell you this: You are worthy of celebration. There is room for joy, even in the midst of grief. I’m willing to bet you’ve spent a lot of time celebrating the baby-related milestones of friends and family members. When we’re childless, a lot of our big moments pass by, unrecognized. Our milestones deserve to be seen and celebrated too. This is a party just for us.”

The summit sessions are designed to support you in: 

  • Building friendships with others who are childless.
  • Learning to identify and amplify your greatest strengths.
  • Recognizing your value and worth.
  • Identifying new avenues to meaning and joy.
  • Feeling seen and validated in your childless experience.
  • Finding inspiring examples of rich and full lives without kids.

The cost is $550 before March 15, $600 after, which covers all the sessions, catered lunches each day, and transportation to the beach for the party there. Participants also become members of a private online group that will continue to support each other after the summit.

Learn more and get your ticket to join the summit.

If you’re feeling lonely in your childlessness, I encourage you to think about attending the summit. I believe you will come out feeling recharged and feeling much better about your life.

Due to work and health situations that keep me from flying across the country at this point, I can’t attend this year, but it will be on my calendar for next year.

I know this sounds like an advertisement, but it’s going to be fabulous, and Katy needs more signups to cover her costs. Think about it, okay?

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My poetry chapbook Blue Chip Stamp Guitar, book two of the four I have coming out this year, is in print, and oh so beautiful. Click here to attend my online reading from the book this Saturday at 4 p.m. Pacific time.

You may also want to read Between the Bridges, the third in my series of novels about a childless woman named PD and her friends living on the Oregon coast. In this one, she feels her childlessness more than ever, and I think many of you would identify with her and enjoy her story. Between the Bridges is available at Amazon and wherever books are sold. You can also ask your library to order it.

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My Feb. 22 post about more people owning pets than having children had some incorrect numbers, according to Sarah Rose of the World Animal Foundation. As of this year, she says, 86.9 million U.S. households own a pet, which accounts for 66 percent. It’s still a lot. If you survey my church choir or my neighbors here in Oregon, it would be 100 percent, whether they have kids or not.

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A Safe Place for the Childless Not by Choice

Sue Fagalde Lick childess by marriage, childfree, childfree vs. breeders, childfree-by-choice, childless, childless and alone, childless and baby pictures, childless by choice, childless by circumstance, childless during the holidays, childless Easter, childless feel left out, childless feeling left out, childless not by choice, Easter without children, questions about having children , , , , , ,

Dear friends,

Lately in the comments, a few people have been sniping at each other. That’s not good. We get enough of that in the rest of the world. As childless people, we face questions, disapproval, accusations, and folks who can’t resist giving you unwanted advice. Right? Let’s not do that here.

Last week we talked about how some of us—maybe all of us—sometimes keep quiet about our childless status because we don’t want to deal with the reactions. We’d rather blend in and let the parent people think we’re just like them. We don’t want them coming at us with why, what’s wrong with you, etc. Most of us don’t know how  to explain or justify our situation because we’re not sure how it happened or what to do about it. We’re still trying to figure it out. There aren’t any easy answers.

Of course, I’m talking about those of us who have not chosen to be childless, who are hurting over their childless status. The childless-by-choice crowd sometimes gets pretty militant about their choice: Never wanted kids, happy about the situation, feel sorry for you breeders who want to waste your bodies, money and time adding to the world’s overpopulation. Get over it, and enjoy your childfree life. But how can you when you feel a gaping emptiness inside?

In an ideal world, we would all accept each other’s choices, but the world is not ideal. We feel left out, guilty, ashamed, angry, and hurt. We need a safe place. Let this be one. If someone asks for advice—and many readers do—chime in, but we need to support each other’s decisions once they’re made. Don’t add to the hurt. And if a certain gentleman wants to leave his childless older wife for a young, fertile woman who will give him a family, ease up on him. We women might resent some of his sexist comments, but we don’t know what it’s like for him. He’s aching for children just like we are. And sir, don’t be knocking older women. Some of us take that personally. 🙂

Let’s try to be kind here. I am grateful for every one of you. Hang in there.

P.S. Easter was brutal for me. All those kids in Easter outfits. All those happy families while I was alone. Luckily I spent so much time playing music at church that I was too tired to care by Sunday afternoon. How was it for you?

We Made It Through Another Mother’s Day!

Sue Fagalde Lick breaking up over children, childless feeling left out, childlessness, grieving over childlessness, Mother's Day, when couples disagree about having children


We survived Mother’s Day. Congratulations to all of us. I was all set to cruise through this one by keeping busy and not thinking about it. But I don’t live in the desert or alone on an island, and neither do you. All the prayers for moms at church, the moms being taken out to brunch by their loving families, the Facebook posts, the TV shows, and the friends talking about visiting their mothers and bragging about what their children had done for them took their toll. I didn’t weep. I wished a few friends happy Mother’s Day, and I had a good time playing music with friends in the afternoon, but by bedtime, I felt profoundly sad. I missed my mother, my husband, my stepchildren and the biological children I never had. I lay awake in bed, watching the digital clock tick through the numbers until midnight, then breathed a sigh of relief. Mother’s Day was over. Thank God.
I don’t think other people understand how we feel, especially on days like Mother’s Day or at baby showers or when our friends obsess about their children. It’s like we come from another country and speak another language. The thing to try to remember is that there’s nothing wrong with our country and our language. They’re different but just as good.Our lives just took a different path.
I need your help with something. In the last week, several people have posted comments about situations where one partner wants children and the other doesn’t, and they’re considering breaking up. They love each other and don’t know if they’ll ever find someone else as good, but the baby issue has come between them. It’s hard to know what to say except I’m sorry and I hope they make the right decision. If you have a minute, visit the post If You Disagree About Children, Is Your Relationship Doomed? and add your two cents.
How did you do on Mother’s Day? Tell us how it went.  

 

Faking It in Momland at the mall

Sue Fagalde Lick childless at the mall, childless feeling left out, friends flaunting baby pictures, mom club, shopping for baby clothes when you're childless

When we went shopping yesterday, I’m sure my friend had no idea she was taking me places I had never been before. I’m used to her chatting with everyone she meets and showing them all pictures of her grandchildren. I’m happy for her. At the clothing store where she talked me into a new Easter outfit, I smiled and nodded as she talked about childbirth with the store manager whose second child is due next month. It was hard not to stare at the woman’s “baby bump” in her snug knit ensemble and to wonder who would take care of the store when she left on maternity leave. But hey, whatever.

Then my friend took me someplace that hadn’t been on our agenda. Suddenly she had to buy her grandsons Easter outfits. We entered something called The Children’s Place. Oh my gosh. Miniature clothing everywhere. Tiny shirts, tiny argyle vests, tiny bow ties, onesies, twosies, threesies, I don’t know. If I had a child to shop for, this would be Disneyland. The sales prices were amazing. The merchandise was in disarray, as if a herd of rabid monkeys had come through, but my friend quickly hit it off with the clerk. Out came the baby pictures again as they compared babies and sizes and family situations while I wandered around feeling like a visitor from another planet. I have never seen so many children’s things in one place. For me, it was like a whole store full of doll clothes and I wasn’t allowed to play. Not only will I never have children or grandchildren, but nobody in my life is having babies these days. They’re either too old or they have put off marriage so long they may never get around to it. My friends’ grandchildren all live far away, so I’m not likely to ever see them except in photos on the smart phone or iPad.

I didn’t say much at that store. I let them talk while I looked at things and made color suggestions. As they continued to talk while my friend signed up for their rewards club, saying she would definitely be back, I rested on a chair near the cash register. I couldn’t say anything about my own children or grandchildren, and there seemed no point in telling them I didn’t have any kids. I just waited until they were through and we could go on to the Nike store.

I love my friend, and I’m grateful she includes me in her life, but when I mentioned that I had never been in a store like that before, it just didn’t register. Her mind was busy thinking about her babies. So I pretended I belonged, just like the other women.

Have you had an experience like this?