childless men

Childlessness by marriage: It’s a question of timing

Sue Fagalde Lick celebrating with woman friends, childless birthday, childless men, meeting at different stages of life, poem by Sue Fagalde Lick

A friend told me about a family member of hers who is dating a man who wants to have children. He’s not interested in adoption, only in having a biological child of his own. But she’s 42. She has already had children from her first marriage, and she has had her tubes tied. It’s the reverse of the situation many of us women face. I don’t know these people, but I feel for them. There’s no happy solution, is there?

It comes down to a matter of timing. In the days when most people only got married once and stayed married for life, they would have their children together. Now, with divorce being so common and people delaying marriage into their 30s and 40s, we have men and women who didn’t have children marrying people who have already had them and don’t want any more. Sometimes there’s an age difference, but it’s more often a difference in life experience. Those who are parents lived through the baby-making stage of their lives with other people. If you weren’t doing the same thing, you missed your chance. Maybe you can convince your partner to start over, but he or she would probably rather not. It’s a tough situation.

Your thoughts?

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Thank you for your birthday wishes yesterday. It was a good birthday. It was a little light on the family side, but a wonderful group of woman friends treated me to lunch and showered me with music, cards and gifts. Afterwards, Annie and I took a long walk on the beach. I treated myself to raviolis for dinner and talked to a friend on the phone for over an hour, the way we used to do when we were kids.

I really didn’t miss having children yesterday. I was surrounded by women approximately my age. Most do have children and there was some talk of them, but I have known their children since they were little and I care about them. Now that the kids are grown, their mothers have lots of other things to talk about. In some ways, this was easier than celebrating with children and grandchildren, with whom I would have less in common–and whom I would probably have to feed and entertain. I feel as if I have made a good start on building a community of sisters with whom I can spend the important occasions of my life.

 

Childlessness from the man’s perspective

Sue Fagalde Lick childless men, Him + 17, Nobody's Father

The only childless men I know are my younger relatives. All the men of my generation and older have children, although they may not have acquired them with their present wives. Childlessness comes with the second wife syndrome; he’s done with kids, and you missed your chance.

But sometimes it’s the woman who doesn’t want to have children with the new husband. Either she has hers already or she never wanted to be a mom. Same problem. Or is it?

Men have more time. Women need to get pregnant no later than their early 40s while men have decades longer, so the need to hurry is less urgent. But once they’re committed to a relationship with no babies on the horizon, don’t they grieve the loss of children, too?

Man or woman, it always comes down to a decision. Do I love this person enough to sacrifice the children I might have had? Did I always want to be a mom or dad? There are no easy answers and no way for both people to get what they want.

I sometimes read a blog called Him + 17, written by a man who married a woman 17 years older than he is. They were unable to have children together. In a 2009 posting, he wrote, “I know I’ve missed out on something fundamental to human experience. Sheri has, too. Though I would not change a whit of my past if it meant losing Sheri, I sometimes try to understand who that young man was, and why he made the decisions he did.”

A few years ago, an anthology called Nobody’s Father was published by Touchwood Editions in Canada. It offers some good examples of the male perspective. Some of the men are content with their situation while others are clearly in pain. One writer admits to conflicted feelings when a child has a tantrum over something he wants at the store. While he is grateful he never had to deal with that situation, he simultaneously wants to hold and comfort the child, giving him everything he wants.

If you wanted kids and don’t have them, it hurts. Even if you never thought you wanted them, you might sometimes feel that something is missing.

Men out there, what do you have to say on this?

The Male Point of View

Sue Fagalde Lick childless men, Nobody's Father

My youngest stepson says he will never have children. He’s been pretty consistent about that, although he doesn’t give reasons.

Last weekend in Georgia, I talked to two men who were very open about their reasons. Alek, who runs a bookstore, is 40, unmarried and childless. He doesn’t want kids because he doesn’t like them, he says. I asked him what he’d do if he hooked up with a woman who wanted to be a mom. He replied that no woman who wanted children would want him. “I’m married to my work and I’m difficult,” he said. Okay.

Then I ended up in a cab driven by Massoud, with his wife Puran riding shotgun. They’re from Iran. Massoud has two daughters from a previous marriage and had a vasectomy eight years ago. Puran, who wanted children, had to have a hysterectomy four years ago, so they are childless, but seem very happy together. Why no more kids, I asked Massoud. “They take all your money and they’re nothing but trouble,” he said. I wonder what his daughters would think if they heard that. Anyway, biology has sealed the deal for them.

I know men who have agreed to fatherhood despite age differences, offspring from another marriage or misgivings about the whole deal, but I’m always surprised when a man states so definitely that he is not having any children, period, end of discussion.

On the heels of these conversations, I was thrilled to discover a new book, Nobody’s Father: Life Witout Kids, has been published in Canada. This collection of essays, edited by Lynne Van Luven and Bruce Gillespie, is a followup to Nobody’s Mother. Amazon has it for $16.95. I’m looking forward to reading it.

Childless men out there, I just have one question? Why?