competing with stepchildren for father’s attention

Holiday stepparenting is not all ho-ho-ho

Sue Fagalde Lick alone at Christmas, childless at Christmas, childless stepfathers, childless stepmother, competing with stepchildren for father's attention, holidays with stepchildren, mothering stepchildren , , , , , , , , , , ,
Christmas tree illustrating blog post about being childless at Christmas. It's a small tabletop tree with antique ornaments. Behind it is a window, with pine trees and neighbor's vehicles.

Dear readers,

I shouldn’t have looked at Facebook. Every holiday season, I tell my childless friends to stay off social media because it’s too upsetting. All those happy family pictures, especially the ones featuring babies and children doing happy Christmas things, can rip open the scabs we’re trying to grow over our childless feelings.

If only I followed my own advice.

Look, there they are with Santa. There they are hugging at the airport. There they are around the festive table. See three or four generations gathered together in matching sweaters. . .

Meanwhile, we’re planning dinner for two or maybe just one. If we’re lucky, we can post pictures of our dogs and cats.

Or our stepchildren. I want to give a shout-out to stepmothers and stepfathers this year. It’s a tough job. Some of us give up our dreams of having our own children, thinking our partner’s kids will give us the family we want. But so often, it’s a disappointment.

A reader wrote to me recently about her situation, very similar to mine. The way she described her stepmom situation felt right on: “He told me that he would share his kids with me. They did not want to be shared!”

If you look at it from the kids’ point of view, why would they want a stranger to move into their parent’s home and expect to be some kind of new parent to them? Maybe you’re a child of divorce and experienced that yourself.

Come the holidays, you’re shuffled from parent to parent, often having to spend Christmas away from the place you consider your real home. And now there are other strangers, would-be grandparents, aunts and uncles who don’t seem to get that you already have a family. They expect you to join in new traditions when you have your own.

The divorced parent is caught between the ex-family and the new family.

Divorce sucks.

As for the stepparent hoping to make a family from their partner’s kids, sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn’t. As soon as the kids are old enough to step away, many do. And if you’re no longer with their father or mother, they might step right out of your life. That’s what happened when my husband died. I still love his kids and miss them, but I’m on my own.

This post was inspired by watching my own stepfamily having fun together online. Now there are step-grandchildren and great-grandchildren, but I have never met the youngest ones and probably never will. If my husband were still alive, we could claim this whole beautiful group of young people. I could shower them with love, but now . . . I’ll be going to church and to a friend’s house for Christmas dinner but spending much of the holiday by myself. I’m okay, but I would be more okay if I hadn’t seen those pictures on Facebook.

At Thanksgiving, I offered some suggestions for surviving the childless holidays. If you missed it, take a look at that post.

By now, your holiday plans are probably already set. Maybe you’re reading this from a tropical vacation paradise. Maybe you’re working. Maybe you’re hosting the step-kids this year. Maybe there are no step-kids. Maybe you’re hanging with nieces, nephews or the children of your friends. Kids are fun. It’s not their fault that you feel awkward or sad. Just try to love them if they’re around and enjoy your all-adult life if they’re not.

And take a vacation from Facebook, Instagram, Bluesky, TikTok, or wherever you like to browse. You won’t miss that much, and it will be easier on your heart.

May your holidays be filled with love, peace, and hope for the new year.

Sue

How to Stepparent and Keep Your Sanity

Sue Fagalde Lick childless stepmothers, competing with stepchildren for father's attention, step-parenting, stepchildren, stepfather , , , , , ,

When you fall in love with someone who has children, things soon get complicated. He wants to go out, but he has the kids this weekend. Do you mind if they tag along? You make reservations for a weekend away, but her babysitter gets sick. You are looking forward to a romantic dinner for two, but suddenly you’re a party of three, and one of them is pouting because he doesn’t want anything to do with you.

There ought to be a rule book for stepparents*, especially childless stepparents who have no experience raising kids. How do you love the children and keep the romance going? What do you do when you see them going wrong but your partner, their actual mom or dad, doesn’t seem to notice? When conflicts arise, is he going to choose you or his kids?

What should they call you?

On my wedding day, my oldest stepson said, “I guess I should call you Mom now.” I replied, “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” He didn’t want to. He and his siblings call me Sue.

What are the rules?

A podcast I listened to last week offered some good answers. Brittany Lynch, a Certified Stepfamily Counselor who calls herself the Stepqueen, welcomed stepparenting coach Kristen Skiles to talk about the challenges of stepparenting. Skiles said she had always wanted to have children of her own and did not want to date single dads, but she fell for Kevin and he came with a little girl. Over the years that followed, she learned some lessons she shared with the listeners. Her comments were addressed to women but could easily be turned around for men

*Too many of us go into the relationship believing we have to become THE MOM, filling the ex-wife’s role when she’s not around. Instead we should stepparent however it feels comfortable for us, whether it’s playing the “fun auntie” role or something else. But we are not and cannot be their parent. Create for yourself a role that fits with your lifestyle and values.

* Your main job is loving your partner. Don’t neglect him or her to focus on the kids. Your partner is the reason you have these kids in your life.

* Set boundaries. It’s okay to step back and let the biological parents handle some of the problems.

* Build your self-esteem. Becoming a stepparent can make you doubt your abilities and your place in the family, but you are still you and you belong.

* Keep doing the things you love. Don’t give up everything until all you have left is the kids.

Kristen, where were you when I was actively stepparenting and blowing it?

These recommendations may seem selfish. I think they’re wise. If you become a frantic shell trying to please children who respond with, “You’re not my mom and I don’t have to listen to you,” that’s not going to help anyone. Nor do you want to get caught between your spouse and his/her kids, feeling like you have no one on your side.

Going crazy with the stepkids?

Listen to Brittany Lynch’s Queen of Your Castle podcast, episode 59.

Visit Kristen Skiles’ website, stepmomming.com, where you will find her blog, helpful resources, more advice, and a free ebook, Becoming a Co-Parenting Champion.

Read Stepmom magazine.

*Check out The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Stepparenting by Ericka Lutz.

What do you think of these tips? What is your advice for stepparents or potential stepparents?

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Stepchildren add stress to childless marriages

Sue Fagalde Lick blended families, childless stepfathers, childless stepmothers, competing with stepchildren for father's attention, stepfather vs. biological father, stepmother vs. biological mother

In last Friday’s post, I asked whether having stepchildren made you a mother. For me, it’s part yes, part no. Fred’s kids have been in my life for almost 30 years, but their biological mother is the one they think of as Mom. And that makes sense. If my father remarried, his new wife might be the most wonderful woman in the world, and we might love her very much, but she could never take the place of our real mother. That’s just biology, plus family history.

If your partner has children from a previous marriage, he will always have a connection to them that you can never have. They are his kids, not yours. When a conflict arises between you and the kids, who is he going to side with? The new wife may find herself competing for her husband’s time and attention, as well as his money. This can put a real damper on a marriage.

When he (or she) has kids and you don’t, that can add to the stress. As several readers have commented here, it gets even worse when his children grow up and have babies of their own. Now he gets to be a grandparent and you don’t.

Now some couples have no problem with any of this. They and the kids become one happy family, and they don’t even think the word “step.” They’re all “our kids.” They are blessed. I hear from plenty of people for whom having stepchildren makes a painful situation even more difficult.

How is it for you? Does your partner have kids from a previous marriage? Do they live with you or with their other parents? Do you get along? Does having them make your childlessness more difficult? Let’s talk about it.