parents vs. non-parents

The Birth at the End of The Novel Made Me Cry

Sue Fagalde Lick friends who are moms, godparents, parents vs. non-parents , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

. . . and not because I never had my own

The novel I just finished ended with the birth of a baby. 

Of course it did. In this type of feel-good fiction, even the people who think they can’t have children end up having them, and everyone is delighted. Just as people fall in love, overcome various obstacles, and end up happily ever after, surrounded by friends and family who adore them. 

To be honest, I want that. Don’t you?

Too bad it’s fiction. I won’t name this novel for fear of spoiling it for you.  

I will give credit to the author for bringing a childless woman into the picture. The new mom tells her childless sister-in-law, “My daughter needs a guardian angel, mentor, teacher, friend, a role model. Someone who is her strength. Someone she can always depend on and look up to. . . . Will you be Elizabeth’s godmother?”

Of course she will.

As I savored the ending through my tears, I cursed the author for making me cry. Baby-happy though she may be, at least she recognized the pain of those of us who don’t have children.

I suspect this “childless” godmother will marry her true love and miraculously become a mom in the sequel.

Moms and non-moms don’t always get along that well in real life. So often, they make wrong assumptions. A mother friend I’ll call Jo and I were talking about how misunderstandings arise between friends over having or not having children. One of her close friends assumed that when Jo became a mom, she would not have time for their friendship because moms’ lives are all about their kids.

“There was so much more to my life,” Jo protested. “I was still me.” 

At the same time, mothers make the mistake of assuming those of us without kids hate children and don’t want to be around them. That’s not true. I would love to be a godmother.

Kids are magical in the way they see everything with fresh eyes. Their excitement and their honesty are refreshing. Sure, they’re messy, noisy, tactless, and sometimes a pain, but so are we. Yes, seeing yours might remind me that I’ll never have my own, but does that mean I have to be kept apart from ALL children? Let me in.

It’s not only parents and non-parents who fail to communicate. People who are at different stages of life also misunderstand each other.   

That’s one of the reasons I’m planning to stop writing new posts for this blog after a couple more. My 900 posts will remain here for you to read whenever you want. I’m even going to create an index.

As a baby boomer who came of age in the late 1960s and early 1970s, I’m just not in the same place as young women struggling with the realities of childlessness now. I’m way past the possibility of having children. I’m not married or dating. My peers aren’t having babies; they’re welcoming grandchildren.

With menopause 20 years in the past, I feel as if I have already shared all I had to share about my childless journey. There are other, younger writers doing a better job of it now. 

That does not mean I don’t feel sad when I see families doing things together and know I’ll never have that. It does not mean I don’t feel grief and a bit of regret for how things turned out. It doesn’t mean I don’t see other women making the same choices I made and want to scream, “No! Don’t give up your chance to have children so easily.” 

It doesn’t mean I don’t feel like a slacker sometimes because I was physically able to reproduce, unlike women who are unable to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term. Unlike couples who go through hell trying to have a baby and still come out with empty arms. Compared to someone who bought a crib, chose a name and felt a baby kick, then lost that child, what have I got to complain about? 

I chose men who didn’t give me children, that’s all. I should have known better than to marry my first husband, but I was young and naive. My second husband, Fred, was too wonderful to give up. I believed his three children would give me all the motherhood I wanted. They didn’t.

Still, there is pain. There will always be pain.

When a friend brings her daughter to open mic to sing a duet and I know I will never do that, when a daughter rushes to the hospital to help her ailing mother or father and I don’t know who will come for me, or when couples post pictures of their kids and grandkids while I’m posting selfies, I grieve my situation. 

But do I think about it every day? 

Not anymore. Nor will you eventually. Age makes it easier to accept how life has gone. It really does.

As for the blog, you need someone who is dealing with it now in today’s world. So much has changed since I lost my virginity in 1972. I will offer you a list of other blogs and Substacks that will more than fill whatever vacancy is left by my lack of new posts. I will also beef up my resource page so you can find whatever you need in one place.  

Back to the novel: I wish I had played a bigger role in the lives of my stepchildren, nieces, nephews, and young cousins. I lived far away, and I was always working. Care for my in-laws, my parents and my husband in their final years took all of my energy. Now, these young family members barely know who I am. 

I regret that as much as I regret not having children. 

I appreciate the new mother in the novel making the childless aunt feel welcome and included.  

This is fiction, but I hope we can be more understanding of each other in real life. 

How do you feel when you read books where people are having babies?

Additional reading

“Bridging the Gap Between Parents, the Childfree and the Childless“

“How Moms and Non-Moms Can Come Together | Psychology Today“

To find books where people aren’t all having babies, visit the NoMo Book Club, https://www.instagram.com/thenomobookclub

If you want to know what I’m up to these days, visit my “Can I Do It Alone?” Substack at https://suelick.substack.com or friend me on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/suelick. 

Thanks for reading Childless by Marriage!

Is the ‘Happiest Place on Earth’ only for people with children?

Sue Fagalde Lick childless family, parents vs. non-parents, traveling alone , , , , , , , ,

Should childless adults be allowed to visit the Disney theme parks? At least one angry mom says no. Her tirade against park visitors without children went viral after she called for a ban on so-called Disney Adults. The grownups are clogging the lines so she has to wait forever with a cranky toddler. They’re in the way and demonstrating bad behavior, and they shouldn’t even be there, she said. It’s a family park, she proclaimed.

Thank God Walt Disney established Disneyland and the parks that followed with the mandate they should be places for all ages to have fun. That includes adults without children. Me, I don’t yearn to go to Disneyland. Been there, done that, but I have loved ones who go to Disneyland every chance they get. They don’t have kids, but so what? The Mickey Mouse ears come in all sizes.

The parents who dislike having non-parents invade their space say we couldn’t possibly understand what it’s like taking a toddler there. I think we do understand. It’s not like we have never seen a child. Ages ago, my late husband and I took his daughter and two-year-old granddaughter to Disneyland. Yes, it was challenging. Also fun. We didn’t pay any attention to who had children and who did not. I also went there as a young adult with friends. Why not?

I’m sure you could find parents at any theme park, water slide, Chuck E Cheese pizza parlor, puppet show, or playground who want to scream, “Get out of here! You don’t belong. This is for families.” We might claim our own spaces and scream back, “No kids here! This is for grownups.”

The word “family” is so loaded. In most cases in the U.S., it’s code for grownups with children. “It’s a family movie”=for children. It’s a “family restaurant”=bring your kids and if anyone complains, tough.” “It’s a family party”=games, food, and music will all be for children. If you don’t have kids, don’t bother coming.

Where does that leave us? Are we not part of a family even if it doesn’t include children? Too many people seem to think that if you never had children, you don’t have a family. How many times have you been asked, “When are you going to start a family?”

What is a family? As this New York Times article explains, there is no easy answer these days. The standard family definition of mom, dad and two kids has given way to many different combinations of people united by blood or love. It does not have to include children.

Online definitions abound.

From the Encyclopedia Britannica:

“a group of persons united by the ties of marriage, blood, or adoption, constituting a single household and interacting with each other in their respective social positions, usually those of spouses, parents, children, and siblings.”

From the Urban Dictionary:

“A group of people, usually of the same blood (but do not have to be), who genuinely love, trust, care about, and look out for each other.”

My worn-out Merriam Webster’s has more definitions of family than I have space to list. They include: “a group of people living under one roof; people of common ancestry; a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation.”

Bottom line: a family is whatever you want it to be. Like me and my dog.

What do you think? Should childless adults be welcome into the Magic Kingdom without kids? Why or why not? Do you find yourself being excluded from “family” activities? What is a family to you? I welcome your comments.

photo by Bo shou at pexels.com

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Stranger in the Strange Land of the Parent-People

Sue Fagalde Lick how many children do you have?, mom club, parents vs. non-parents , , , , , , ,

Do you ever think about talking to mothers and fathers as a journey to another country where you don’t speak the same language? 

I was tilted back in the dentist chair yesterday while the hygienist scraped my teeth, and she started talking about kids. She’s a new hygienist, but her predecessors all talked about their kids, too. I don’t think I ever met one who wasn’t a mom. The mom-talk used to annoy me, but this time it didn’t.

One of the patients who passed by our cubicle was a girl, Izzy, whose basketball team was playing that night against the hygienist’s daughter’s team. She has known this girl since she was so little she couldn’t get the ball up high enough to go through the hoop, but now she’s four years older and a skilled player. Izzy’s team was likely to trounce her daughter’s team, but she was looking forward to attending the game and cheering both girls on. 

Hmm, I thought as she moved from inside my bottom teeth to outside, where they’re extra close together. This is interesting stuff that I know nothing about. When she paused to let me rinse, I asked how many kids she had. She has three, two girls, ages 10 and 12, and a four-year-old boy. The girls play a lot of sports. From basketball, they will go into volleyball and softball, and my hygienist and her husband will spend most of their off-work time going to games. They want to get the boy into T-ball but don’t know how they will find the extra time. 

Clearly their children dominate their lives. My parents weren’t like that. If we wanted to do something that required their time, they said no. They had their own things to do.

But for a lot of parents these days, it’s all about the kids, and everybody at the dentist’s office seemed to have them. As the scraping moved on to my upper teeth, I heard the word Mom a lot from another room. I overheard the dentist talking a boy through his first Novocaine shot. A dad himself, he told me later that he wants to make sure kids aren’t traumatized by their early dentist visits. 

Surrounded by parent-people, I felt like an anthropologist who had come upon a civilization completely distinct from her own. It was so intriguing, I was surprised to realize the hygienist had finished scraping and was polishing my teeth with minty toothpaste. We were almost done.

I didn’t feel any personal lack or grief or annoyance, just a welcome distraction from the assault on my teeth. My life has no children in it, especially in these COVID days when I rarely go places where children might be. I spend my weekends with church, house-cleaning, yard work, movies, and dog walks. I was an alien asking, “Tell me about your people, who seem very different from mine.”

It took me years to get past the anger, grief, and resentment that dogged me in my 40s and 50s,  but these days, I find children and parents fascinating. I’m not aching to join them anymore, but I watch with interest. 

Do I feel left out sometimes? Sure. Do I wish I had grown children to help me with things I can’t do alone and to put on my forms as emergency contacts? Definitely. But that’s not how it turned out, so I’ll pay the occasional visit to the land of children and parents then return to my own land, where we take care of dogs and cats and maybe write books or play the piano. It’s not the place I expected to live, but it’s a very good place.

The best part of this visit? Nobody asked me how many children I had. I was dreading that question. 

How do you feel when others talk about their child-filled lives? Do you think you will ever reach a point where it doesn’t bother you? If not, is there still time to change your situation?

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Parents and Non-Parents from Different Planets?

Sue Fagalde Lick dog momma, mom club, parents vs. non-parents, Uncategorized , , , , , ,

Last week, Annie and Winnie were buddies. When we passed Winnie’s house on our walks, the tan and white Corgi would waddle up to us. I’d pet her long soft fur while the two dogs sniffed each other, and then Winnie would walk with us a ways up Cedar Street. It was nice.

This week Winnie attacked Annie, barking, growling, biting. My pooch didn’t know what hit her. It was motherhood. Winnie gave birth on Saturday. The young woman who came out with her was holding a puppy, the only one that survived the troubled delivery. Now Winnie was in full mom mode. I can’t blame her. She has one tiny puppy, and she’s going to protect it with everything she has. She also probably feels sick and sore. But Annie, a spayed virgin at 11 ½, did not understand. Why doesn’t my friend like me anymore?

Ever feel that way around your human friends? They give birth and suddenly they’re not as friendly to you. It’s all about the baby.

Which brings me to the story that keeps popping up in my Google alerts. Brace yourself before you read “Childless millennials should be banned from Disney World, tired mom rants.” It seems this mother went on a Facebook rant about how childless people should be banned from Disney World, that the theme park should be reserved for “families” with kids. Say what? If I haven’t reproduced, I don’t get to have fun like everybody else? I know this mom was tired and frustrated, but we all need to think before we post.

Years ago, I wrote a post about LEGOLAND, which only allows adults without children on certain all-adult nights. I would LOVE to go LEGOLAND. So would the couple in this article who have been struggling with infertility for nine years. Come on, people. Aren’t these parks supposed to be happy places?

I’m not sure I want to mention this, but here goes. I was at a conference last weekend. I decided to duck out of one of my evening workshops to take a swim. I checked the pool on the way to my room to change into my bathing suit. Nobody there. I looked forward to peacefully gliding through the water. When I returned, less than five minutes later, at 9:30 at night, the small indoor pool was crowded with six kids under the age of six and three parent people. They took up the whole danged pool, splashing around, shouting, oblivious to this older person who needed to get down the steps and swim a few laps. Oh, I swam, but it was no fun, and I was soon back in my room, sinking into a hot bath where I could soak in peace.

Like that mom at Disney World, I was tired and frustrated. Things are not going well with my father, and I can’t do anything about it. My stomach hurt. I was tired of sitting in over-air-conditioned meeting rooms listening to people talk about writing. And now the pool was so full of children who should have been in bed that I couldn’t enjoy my swim. If the parents had thought to say something like, “Move over so the nice lady can swim,” that would have been different, but I seemed to be invisible to them.

If I were a mom person, would I have enjoyed paddling around with the little guys? I don’t know. Like Annie suddenly attacked by her former friend, I just know sometimes parents and non-parents seem to live on different planets.

Your comments, as always, are welcome.

 

 

 

Writers tackle misunderstandings between those with and without children

Sue Fagalde Lick articles about childlessness, Dear Abby, Empty Carriage Way of Life, Marion L. Thomas, nosy questions, parents vs. non-parents, why don't you have children


Dear readers, I’m feeling a little brain-dead today, so I’m sharing these links to articles about being childless.
In this BBC piece, the writer discusses how hard it is for parents and non-parents to understand each other sometimes. “A Point of View: Can Parents and Non-parents Ever Understand Each Other?”
Then Dear Abby tackles those stupid nosy questions people are always asking us. You know the kind: Why don’t you have children? Don’t you like kids? Why don’t you adopt? Etc. Dear Abby: Nosy Questions Hurt Childless Woman
And finally, if we can laugh about this, we’re on our way to healing. Marion L. Thomas’s new book Living the Empty Carriage Way of Life will have you nodding your head, saying, “Yes, yes, that’s how it is.”
“Childless by Choice: The Evolution of the Empty Carriage Woman”
Happy reading.
Please keep commenting—unless you’re one of the dozens who write about spell casters and magical potions. I will continue deleting your comments as the spam that they are.