stepchildren

Free to Bequeathe

Sue Fagalde Lick no heirs, stepchildren, wacky bequests, wills

Without children to be our natural heirs, we childless folks may struggle with what to do with our worldly goods when we shuffle off to heaven. To whom do we leave our photo albums? Who will care about my collection of antique ruby glass? But we are also free to do whatever we want with our stuff. As an old text called Family Systems and Inheritance Patterns notes, childless people often name outside beneficiaries and really tick off their families.

Many childless people leave their estates to good causes, such as scholarships, charities, animal shelters, medical research, etc. That’s pretty much what I plan to do.

But some folks go a little farther outside the norm. For example, George Bernard Shaw bequeathed millions to anyone who could devise a new alphabet that made more sense than the one we have. Louis da Camara, a Portuguese man with no family, picked strangers out of a Lisbon phone book to be his heirs. Ed Headrick, perfector of the Frisbee, asked that his ashes be molded into memorial discs to be sold, with profits to be used for a Frisbee museum. My favorite: Ruth Lilly, an amateur poet, left $100 million to a poetry magazine that had repeatedly rejected her work.

Another good one from the UK: A Mr. F left several relatives each “one penny as that is what they are worth as members of my family.” Show of hands: how many of us are tempted to do that? Me too.

How about you? Have you made a will? Who will inherit your earthly wealth? Did you know that in some states, including Oregon, where I live, stepchildren are not considered your legal heirs unless you write them into your will? What unusual bequests have you heard about or considered doing? Without children–and assuming the spouse goes first–we are free to bequeath as we please. Any thoughts?

Sometimes stepchildren get easier

Sue Fagalde Lick childless stepmother, stepchildren

My husband has three children from his first marriage. When we met, the youngest was only 7, a friendly little sprite who didn’t quite get what was going on. His older sister was 15. She hated me. She refused to talk to me. And the oldest, who was 17, just sort of ignored me.

Part of it was my fault. Having never had kids or been around them much, I didn’t reach out to Fred’s children. I didn’t know how. I think now about the aunt who used to take me shopping and talk about boys. She was an only child and had not had children yet. Where did she learn how to relate to kids like that?

In the early years of our marriage, the kids got into all kinds of trouble and drove us crazy. Did I ever feel like their mother? Heck no. I was the woman who was sleeping with their dad, the woman who was always in the kitchen preparing food, the woman who was not their mother.

But time can work miracles. Fred and I have together for 24 years. His “kids” are 31, 39 and 41. As I mentioned last week, we met the youngest two, Michael and Gretchen, in Portland for a couple of days, and Michael introduced me to his friends as his “mom.”

Cool. But Mom is just a word. What really made it special was the genuine love we all felt for each other. Trust, too. I let Michael drive our car the whole time we were there and only had to close my eyes a few times. Boy, can that kid parallel park. Zip, and we’re in. I’d be working on it for hours and probably ram another car in the process.

We were truly glad to see each other and sad to say goodbye. The hugs were real. Do we still do things that drive each other crazy? You bet. Will they forget my birthday next week? Probably. But now that the kids and I have known each other for most of their lives, the resentment has faded and we are all getting to accept each other as family. Past resentments are just memories now.

Fred and I will always be “Dad and Sue,” never “Dad and Mom,” but the love is there, and it doesn’t matter what labels you put on it.

So, if you’re a childless stepmother whose stepchildren give you nothing but headaches and don’t fill the ache in your heart for a child of your own, there’s hope. They will grow up. It doesn’t always happen, but sometimes, if you hang in there long enough, you’ll get used to each other and develop a relationship that is not mother-child but it’s closer than the word “stepmother” implies.

Have You Ever Lied About It?

Sue Fagalde Lick lie, mom club, pretend you have children, stepchildren

Have you ever lied about not having children? I have. Well, actually the only time I flat-out lied was in a game called two truths and a lie. The truths were that I was a published author and professional musician. The lie was that I had two sons. I even gave them names and personalities. The other contestants bought it completely. Why not? Most women my age had kids. I won that game.
For years, I wrote for a parenting publication. I did have a stepson at home, but he joined our household when he was almost 12. I wrote lots of articles about children and their problems. Most of the time, I could fit right in. No need to mention that my only claim to the Mom Club was my stepson. People might ask, “Was it like that when yours were small?” and I’d nod. “Uh-huh.” Kind of a lie. How would I know what he and the other steps were like when they were little? I wasn’t there.
The only time I really got into trouble was when people started telling birth stories. If somebody asked me, “How long were you in labor?” well, I was stuck. I had to ‘fess up that I had never been pregnant.
But hey, I write about lots of things I’ve never personally experienced. I just ask enough questions to write the story.
In real life, when you do have stepchildren, even if you only hear from them once or twice a year, sometimes it’s just easier to fall into the mom discussions without bothering to clarify the situation.
How about you? Have you ever let people think you had children when you didn’t?

Sorry I’ve been so slow blogging here lately. I have been immersed in my chapter on stepparenting. Boy, is that a tough one. You love ’em and you hate ’em. Sometimes you feel like a parent and sometimes you don’t. More on that later.

Welcome to the Childless by Marriage blog

Sue Fagalde Lick childless by marriage, menopause, no kids, stepchildren, vasectomy

Greetings,
I have resisted doing this blog for a while because I should be working on my book by this title, but so many women have contacted me and visited the “Childless Resources” page on my web site that it seems like a conversation that is dying to happen. People can’t wait until I get the book between covers. Plus thoughts and happenings keep coming up that don’t/won’t fit into a book or an article. So let’s blog a bit. I admit up front that I am a professional writer doing books and articles on the childless thing, and I promise I will not use your comment without your permission. That said, here’s my situation:

I have been married twice. Husband number one didn’t want children, although he didn’t tell me that until a few years in. It was always wait till he finishes college, wait till he gets a good job, wait till we buy a house. Then there came a time when I thought I might be pregnant, and his tune changed to: if you have a baby, I’m leaving. Ouch. I wasn’t pregnant, but the marriage didn’t work out anyway.

Husband number two, a wonderful older man who already had three children, didn’t want any more kids. He had had a vasectomy. I thought he might change his mind, but he didn’t. So now I have just reached menopause with no kids of my own and three stepchildren I’m not close to. I regret not having children, but at the same time I know that I have done a lot of things in my life that I could not have done if I were a mother.

So that’s the deal. Missed my chance, but maybe that’s what God had in mind for me.

I’ll be sharing stories, statistics, comments, etc., here. I welcome you to join me. Be forewarned that I don’t consider myself “childfree.” I’m “childless.” There’s a difference.
Sue