talk about childlessness

In Conclusion: My Childless by Marriage Commencement Address

Sue Fagalde Lick childless, childless blogs, childless by marriage, Jody Day, Love or Children, talk about childlessness , , , , , , , , , , ,

Well, my friends, this is the last post. As far as I know. If I get itchy to write something new, I will. For now, Childless by Marriage is changing focus, not going away.

This is still the only space that is all about being childless because your partner can’t or won’t have babies with you. You are not necessarily infertile. You could have sons and daughters if you were with someone else. Information about fostering, adopting or any other birth alternative is irrelevant if your partner doesn’t want kids in the first place.

In a world where most people become parents, you will be surrounded by people who don’t understand your situation. I hope this blog has helped you to deal with the clueless questions and suggestions.

You may grieve the loss of the children you’ll never have or feel relieved that it worked out this way. You may shed a tear when you watch others with their children or cheer when you’re free to do things parents can only dream of. These emotions won’t go away, but they will change as you age and focus on other things. The hardest part is when you’re still fertile and your friends are all having babies while you’re not. I remember that part all too well. Your body is screaming “Do something!” and you can’t.

We have things in common with both those who are physically unable to conceive or bear children and those who have chosen to be childfree. But this is our space. We are the ones who chose love over babies.

If you want to keep up the conversation, come to the Childless by Marriage Facebook page. We can even start a private group there if you’re worried about other people reading your comments. Just let me know. I’m also on Instagram–@suefagaldelick. Find all my connections at my website, https://www.suelick.com, or email me at sufalick@gmail.com.

These days, much of my attention is going to my “Can I Do It Alone” Substack and eventual book. Aging alone is a natural extension of being childless by marriage. When the marriage ends by death or divorce, you may find yourself with no family. Your parents and aunts and uncles will die. Your siblings and cousins may live far away or be too busy to hang out with you.

While others have their children and grandchildren for company, you will have yourself and maybe a dog or cat. People don’t talk enough about this result of not having children, so I’m doing my best to shine a light on all its glories and dark places.

I will continue to be active in the childless community. In fact, I will be part of the next Childless Elderwomen Fireside Chat, happening September 20 as part of World Childless Week. The theme is “We are Worthy.” Register here to attend live or receive the recording later.

Do consider getting involved in World Childless Week, Sept. 15-21, all online. It offers many workshops, panel discussions, and opportunities to share your own story. Some of the sessions will not apply to you if you are not dealing with infertility. Skip those and attend the ones that fit.

If you’re struggling with your childless-by-marriage situation, don’t keep it a secret. In my mother’s day, no one discussed why certain people never had children. But there is nothing to be ashamed of. It helps to talk about it. Share how you feel with your family and friends. They may be more understanding than you expect. If they say hurtful things—that you must hate children, or that you should leave your partner—set them straight. Stand by your choices. Stand by your man or woman.

Explain that there is more than one way to lead a good life. Children are terrific, but everyone doesn’t have to have them. It’s all right to explain you really wanted them, if you did. But your life is still full of wonderful things.

If they get it, they get it. If they don’t, let it go.

When you encounter other childless people, invite them to get together for coffee, a play date at the dog park, or whatever sounds like fun. 

Also talk to your partner, not just once but often, about how this situation affects you. Don’t hide your feelings or let them fester. You may not change their minds or change the circumstances that have led to being childless, but don’t treat it like a secret that should not be discussed. Listen to your partner, too. Their feelings count as much as yours.

If you play a parent-like role as a stepparent, aunt, uncle, foster parent, or teacher, try to love others’ children like your own, whether they love you back or not. Even if you never create your own family, you can play a mother or father role in the world. We all need older people to love us, guide us, and show us how to live well.

Thank you all for reading this blog over the years. Some of you have been commenting for over a decade. Others just read, sometimes hiding it from their partner. I know you’re out there. Here’s a big hug to one and all.

If you want to keep reading about the childless/childfree life, visit my resource list at https://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com/childless-by-marriage-home-page. I will keep updating it.

Jody Day recently published a long list of related blogs at https://gateway-women.com/resources/recommended-blogs. Do check that out.

More and more terrific writers are blogging or Substacking about life without children. For a start, see Ali Hall’s “Life Without Children,” the No Mo Book Club, Kate Kaufmann’s blog, and Andy Harrod’s https://invisiblechildlessness.substack.com.

Of course, I’d love for you to read my books, Childless by Marriage and Love or Children: When You Can’t Have Both.

I am still and always will be childless by marriage. It has affected every bit of my life, as I’m sure it has yours. If you want to talk, I’m here.

See you soon.

Love,

Sue

Childless Elderwomen Share Their Thoughts on ‘Renewal’

Sue Fagalde Lick old age and childlessness, talk about childlessness, ways of looking at childlessness , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Renewal. What does that word mean to you? A fresh start? A new way of seeing or doing things? It seems like we ought to be discussing this in the spring, not in the midst of a huge winter storm, but renewal was the topic yesterday when childlessness guru Jody Day brought together 12 “childless elderwomen” for another solstice chat on Zoom. If you are younger and not sure whether or not you will have children, listening to these wonderful women should prove that either way you can live well and become a badass elderwoman or, as Jody likes to call us a “nomo crone.”

For me, renewal this year means taking my recovery from my fall in October and COVID in November into a concerted effort to reassess my body and my lifestyle in 2023. I am working to counter my aloneness by reaching out more to other people and creating my “village” so we can take care of each other. It also means reaching out to my family and basically demanding to spend time live and online with all of them, especially the young ones, so they know who this “Aunt Sue” is and let me be part of their lives.

Does this sound like New Year’s resolutions? Yes, but this is different. This is a restart on our lives, looking at it fresh. For some, that means getting rid of possessions that weigh us down. For others, it might be changing a life situation that has got us stuck, including this bit about your partner not wanting to have children or you not sure what you want to do. If you knew you only had a short time to live, what would you do? Don’t wait until you’re old or facing a terminal diagnosis to change what needs changing.

What do you think? I welcome your comments.

Have a wonderful holiday. Do your best to make it your own. All of you are a gift for me. Thank you for being here.

Sue

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Childless Fun Coming Up This Weekend!

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Dear friends,

I want to share a couple things that are happening online this week that you might want to participate in.

Nomo (non-mother) Crones

“The Body and the Cycles of Life” is the topic of a new “Nomo Crones” childless elders’ chat happening Saturday, March 20. Jody Day is the organizer. I’m one of the women participating, along with Karen Malone Wright, Stella Duffy, Maria Hill, Kate Kaufman, Jackie Shannon Hollis, and Donna Ward.  

The flyer is posted above. Although most of you are much younger, I think you might enjoy taking an hour to listen. Our bodies, these amazing places where our spirits live, are fascinating. They have been made to procreate, but what if we don’t use those baby-making parts? Or what if they go wrong on us? Register here at https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_QBZqJhxxSqyjmxhIyqg2Zg. Be sure to convert for your time zone.

Childless Summit

If you’re not ready for crone wisdom, consider participating in the first annual Childless Collective Summit March 18-21. Katy Seppi, who has organized it, who is a young dynamo who wants the world to understand what it’s like to be childless not by choice.

Seppi is the founder of Chasing Creation: Designing an Unexpectedly Childfree Life, which includes a blog, Facebook page, and more. Find out all about the Summit, register and watch a video with Katy at https://www.chasingcreation.org/. Once you register, you will receive links to all the sessions.

Seppi’s story is an interesting one. She talked about it recently on Jo Vraca’s (un) Ripe podcast. She and her husband both grew up Mormon in Utah. Although the church is very pro-children, her husband wasn’t keen on the idea for the first decade of their marriage. Then, when he felt ready to be a father, they couldn’t get pregnant. Katy had fibroids and endometriosis. She had surgeries and tried IVF, but it didn’t work. She had suffered pain from her endometriosis for years and opted for a hysterectomy. She has spent the years since then dealing with her grief and finding her way through a life without children.

The Childless Collective Summit is a four-day virtual event, featuring 28 speakers, all focused on topics related to being childless not by choice. The free Basic Access Pass gets you in to all the sessions. If you can’t watch them when presented, you can still watch the recordings online later. There’s also a paid All Access Pass that gets you transcripts of the presentations and other goodies.

Day 1 focuses on our stories, Day 2 on healing, Day 3 on making connections, and Day 4 on looking ahead. Keynote speaker Jody Day will address “How to Create a Meaningful Life Without Children: Lessons from a Decade of Healing” on Sunday, March 21 at 2 p.m. EDT. Click here https://www.chasingcreation.org/summit-schedule/ref/26/ for the complete schedule.

We’ve Got to Talk About It

When I started writing about childlessness back in the 1990s, I had to look hard to find anyone else writing and speaking about the subject, but we are blessed now to have lots of people joining the conversation. You can read books and attend conferences and podcasts online, but you can also start the conversation at home. I know we’re limited by COVID right now, but if you look around, you may find others with stories similar to your own. You may have to start the conversation by noting that you don’t have children and asking if they do, but you’re not alone. With 20 percent of women not having children these days, the answer might be “No, I never had children.” Get together, ask them how it has been for them. If they say they do have children, explain your situation anyway. Help them to understand.

Etc.

I hope to see you online this weekend at the Summit or the Nomo Crones chat. Thank you to everyone who participated in the 99-cent sale for Love or Children: When You Can’t Have Both. I appreciate your support. If you missed it, it’s still only $2.99 on Amazon for the Kindle version.

It just occurred to me: Do some of you have trouble looking at all this childless stuff online because your partner might see it and get upset? I live alone, so I don’t think about it, but I can picture someone’s husband or wife–or their stepchildren–looking over their shoulder at the screen and urging you to shut it off. Does that happen? Let’s talk about it.

St. Patrick’s Day hugs to one and all. I’m wearing my green socks, shirt, and earrings. Have you got your green on?

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T is for Talk: Don’t Be Afraid to Talk About Childlessness

Sue Fagalde Lick A to Z blog challenge, talk about babies on dates, talk about childlessness, Unleashed in Oregon, when do you bring up the baby question, Writer Aid


T is for Talk: Couples need to talk about whether or not they want children. Back in my parents’ day, having children was assumed. You got married, you got pregnant, and you made babies. But now there are so many ways to avoid having children. Here in the U.S., birth control is plentiful and easy to obtain, and abortion is legal. People are getting married later in life and putting off parenting until it’s almost too late. Men and women going into second or third marriages often find that at least one of them has already had children and doesn’t want any more.
But when and how do you talk about this stuff? It’s not like you can say on the first date, “Hi, I’m Sue and I want three kids.” Or, “Hi, I’m Peter, my teenagers from my first marriage are bleeding me dry, and I never want to have any more children.” Or, “Hi, I’m Jennifer, and I never really saw myself as a mother. I don’t want to be tied down.”
As a relationship progresses, when do you bring it up? Before you have sex? Before you move in together? Before the wedding? I don’t have the perfect answer, but I do know it needs to come up sooner rather than later. Day after day, I receive comments here from readers, mostly women, whose partners went along with the baby plans for a while, then dropped the bomb: I don’t want to have kids. Ever.They’re devastated. They don’t know whether to leave and look for someone who wants children or stay and give up their dreams of being parents. It hurts my heart to read these things. And then there are the ones who delayed childbirth for years, only to discover they have fertility problems.
All too often, once that bomb has been dropped, couples stop talking about it. They try to hide their hurt and anger from each other and from the other people in their lives. But it doesn’t go away. Dear friends, you have to talk about it. It will just fester and make you sick if you don’t. Talk with each other. Talk with your friends and family. Talk to your minister, your shrink, or your hairdresser. It is not something to be ashamed of. And don’t assume that your loved ones who have children won’t understand. They love you. They want to help.
It’s okay to talk about the fact that Mother’s Day makes you want to hide in a cave and never come out. It’s okay to say that watching a new mother cuddle her baby makes you want to sob. It’s okay to say, “We don’t have kids and I wish we did.” It’s also okay to say, “We never had children, and I’m happy.”
I feel like I’m giving a sermon here, but I wish I had talked more about it with Fred when I had the chance, instead of just crying in secret.
T is for talk.
We’re heading into the final week of our April A to Z blog challenge. My alphabetical posts are distributed among my Unleashed in Oregon, Childless by Marriage and Writer Aid blogs. Visit Unleashed in Oregon tomorrow to find out what U stands for, and come back here next Wednesday to find out what Z is going to stand for. (Anybody got any ideas?)
Talk to me in the comments.