How was your Thanksgiving? Mine was good. I spent the day with my dad and my brother and his family. Our hosts were my sister-in-law’s nephew and his wife, who somehow have grown up into wonderful young adults. You know, it didn’t bother me at all that no one was calling me Mom or Grandma. I enjoyed just being Aunt Sue.

Has anybody noticed how much every speaker at the Republican National Convention seemed to focus on moms, children and grandchildren? It seems to be a persistent theme. They’re doing their darndest to appeal to women voters, saying things like women should have as much say as men and be encouraged to succeed, yada yada, but it always seemed to be coupled with motherhood. Did anyone hear any of them say anything about women who are not mothers? Or men who are not fathers?

Mitt Romney comes from a big family, and that’s great, although I squirmed when he said his wife “could have” succeeded at anything she wanted to be. Can’t she still? Is motherhood and being the smiling wife of a politician her only role? Come on, Mitt.

Pamela Tsigdinos, author of Silent Sorority, a book about infertility, wrote a great piece this week after Ann Romney’s speech that I think you will enjoy. It’s called “Enough with the Mom Pandering, Ann Romney.”

Wherever one stands politically, I think it’s important for our leaders to understand that we don’t all follow the same path: ivy league college, marriage, children, grandchildren. We’re here. We don’t have kids, but we vote.

So, it turns out I can get online at the coffee shop near where I’m staying at Wallowa Lake in eastern Oregon. I’m currently in the town of Joseph at the foot of the amazing Wallowa Mountains. The town is full of galleries, gift shops and places to eat. Joseph has developed a reputation for its bronze works, and there are bronze statues on every corner. The iced tea I’m drinking is an amazing blend of spices and teas called “Harmony,” which is supposed to balance my chi and make me . . . harmonious. Very Oregonian. Art, soft music, wi-fi and air conditioning, it’s all good.

The only wrinkle is the heat outside, but I can’t complain too much. I’m grateful to have made it here in one piece. Maybe I’ll tell about that sometime.

So what does this have to do with being childless? Well, on the way here, I stopped at Multnomah Falls in the Columbia River Gorge. I had never seen them before. I waited a half hour in an endless line of cars before being able to park and join the throngs heading through a tunnel under Highway 84 to see the falls. At the base of the falls is a river and it was full of children swimming, accompanied by mothers, fathers, and grandparents. I wanted to be in that cool water splashing around, but I realized it would look weird for someone my age to go into the water without a child to watch over.

Everyone there, all those mobs eating gift shop ice cream and taking pictures, came with other people, and most of them had children. I had such a strong feeling of not knowing where I fit in the world. Not a mother, grandmother or wife, a mature woman traveling solo, I felt so left out. I decided I’m the observer.

As for the falls, they are spectacular, rivaling any of Yosemite’s falls. I’m glad I went, but out in the world, I am conscious of flying solo, of having no one to turn to and say, “Wow, isn’t that beautiful.”

Did you ever feel that way?

Dear friends,
I ought to write something brilliant here, but I’m too busy packing for a writing workshop in Oregon’s Wallawa mountains. Taking off alone is something the single, childless woman is free to do while her motherly counterparts have to either stay home or take the kids with them. So when you’re feeling down about not having kids, consider the flip side, that you’re free to do things, like travel. Of course, I’m not completely unfettered. In addition to untangling from work for a while, I had to find care for Annie, my dear dog. I can’t stand the guilt of putting her in the kennel aka doggie jail again, so we’ll have a dogsitter here to tend the house and keep Miss A. company. It’s more expensive, but hey, it’s Annie.

I might not be able to get on the Internet much while I’m gone, so please be patient if I don’t approve your comments or respond to them right away. Maybe you can reread some past posts. As time passes, our perspective changes.

I have the proof for my Childless by Marriage book in my bag, and the printer will be printing it while I’m gone. You can pre-order it now at the childless website or at Amazon.com.

See you soon.
Sue

I hesitate to advertise here, but I going to do it today. My Childless by Marriage book went to the printer yesterday and will soon be in paperback form. Copies should be available by Aug. 1.

What’s in this book I keep yammering about? Here’s the summary:

First you marry a man who does not want children. He cheats and you divorce him. Then you marry the love of your life and find out he does not want to have children with you either. Although you always wanted to be a mother, you decide he is worth the sacrifice, expecting to have a long, happy life together. But that’s not what happens. This is the story of how a woman becomes childless by marriage and how it affects every aspect of her life.

The book tells my story, but I also include interviews of many childless women, as well as things I have learned in over a decade of studying childlessness. Chapters include “He Doesn’t Want Children,” “What Have I Done?” Who Knew It was a Sin?” “The Evil Stepmother,” “Exiled from the Mom Club,” “Why Don’t You Have Kids?” “Can a Woman Be a Dog’s Mother,” “Mothering Fred,” “Side Effects of Motherhood” and “What Will I Leave Behind?”

The book will cost $15.95, plus $2.50 shipping and handling. However, if you want to pre-order a copy by mailing a check to Sue Fagalde Lick, P.O. Box 755, South Beach, OR 97366, before Aug. 1, I’ll send it to you for $15 total. I will be putting a Paypal link on my website shortly for online orders, including credit card payments.

Remember, the book is also available as a Kindle e-book for only $2.99.

Questions? Email me at sufalick@gmail.com.

Today, I’m sharing a short excerpt from the Childless by Marriage book, one I hope will make us all smile a little. 

As editor of the Saratoga News, I often received press releases from The Pet Network, a local dog and cat rescue agency. Remembering the close bond I had had with Heidi, the German Shepherd I had shared with my first husband–and lost in the divorce–I decided I wanted another dog. Now that Fred and I had a house of our own, there was no reason we couldn’t have a dog. We started going to animal adoption fairs, visiting rescue dogs displayed at various area shopping centers.

When we first met Sadie at a PetSmart store, her name was Snapple. A German Shepherd-yellow Lab mix, she had the same dark eyes as Heidi had, the same lush multi-layered fur, and the same plumed tail, with the sturdy body of a Lab. She was mostly the color of the Snapple iced-tea drink.

As I reached out to pet her, she wagged her tail. “Fred, look. What do you think about this one?”

“She seems nice.”

The dog’s tail wagged faster.

Snapple had a problem. The volunteers said she was so aggressive with other animals that she couldn’t be boarded with any other dogs. Hm.. Our house had come with an old cat, and we certainly didn’t want a dog that might hurt her. We decided to keep looking

Two weeks later, Snapple was still there. Now they called her Sadie, having decided her name was discouraging potential owners. She was beautiful. As we leaned over to pet her, she licked our hands and wagged her tail. She didn’t seem to have any problem with the other dogs nearby that day. We asked to take her out for a walk.

We strolled around the store, then sat on the warm pavement just outside the back door. This dog acted as if she was already part of the family.

“I like her,” I said.

“Me too,” Fred replied.

“Do you want to live with us?” I asked the dog.

Her dark eyes sparkled as if she understood.

We came back in, paid $100 for the dog, bought a leash, collar, bowl and food and loaded her into the Honda.

Our cat wasn’t too happy with the new addition. When Sadie came bounding into the back yard, Lady, sleeping on the lounge in the patio, flew at her with  teeth and claws extended. I grabbed her off the startled dog, and we started a life of dog in the back yard, cat in the front and never the twain should meet.

It wouldn’t be for long. Lady had already been diagnosed with a rare form of skin cancer and would die a few months later, but things were tense for a while.

Michael, Fred’s son, who had moved in with us a few months earlier, was happy with the new dog. When we weren’t around, he let her sleep in his bed. We started signing Christmas and birthday cards from “Fred, Sue, Michael and Sadie, letting people wonder if we’d had a baby girl.

Our family was complete.

Drum roll, please . . . . Here is the new cover for the Childless by Marriage paperback. It will also replace the Kindle e-book cover in the near future. Yes, that is from my wedding. Don’t those hands look young, innocent, and loving, with no idea what will happen in the future?

I can’t believe I went through so much craziness to get the original brown cover that is elegant in a sparse kind of way but not at all what I had dreamed of. It was only through looking through hundreds of stock photos that I realized I might have something just as good in my own photo albums.

I will have ordering information online for the paperback within the next week. My recent trip to California delayed things a bit, as did a last-minute kerfuffle [disturbance, fuss] with the stepkids over the book, but the problems have been dealt with, and the print book is on its way. Sometime this month, the e-book will temporarily go offline, so I can make some minor changes and add the new cover. Be patient; it will be back, probably within a few hours.

I hope you all survived Father’s Day all right. Any experiences you care to share with our readers?

Dear readers,
I’m on the road this week and have a very limited Internet connection, so I’ll keep this short. Sorry I missed yesterday. Tomorrow I’ll be selling books at a festival in San Jose, so I’ll be offline then, too. Next week, I’ll be back on schedule.

I interviewed a very interesting woman yesterday. She’s exactly my age, but her life is very different because she has children and grandchildren. Toward the end, she asked about my children, and I had to tell her “I don’t have any children.” “Oh, I thought you did,” she said. Sigh.

I received a comment yesterday from a new reader who became so unhappy with her childless state that she slashed her wrists. I was shocked by that, but unhappiness can lead one to all kinds of desperate measures. She assured me she is in treatment now and is okay, but she wants to know how people cope and how they keep going without losing hope. Maybe one way is stepping out of your own grief to help other people. So, my friends, do you have any words of comfort for the woman who calls herself Lizardgoat and for anyone else who might be feeling just as desperate but hasn’t found the courage to write?

Talk to you soon.

It’s time to share what other people are writing about childlessness.

In a play on the new movie “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” Irish writer Anna Coogan wrote a great article for The Herald called “What to Expect When You’re Childless. She looks at all sides of the childless question, childless by choice, by circumstance or by infertility, dealing with people who don’t get it, and more.

For another view on the situation, visit the Childfree News blog. Keep in mind the author is coming from the “childfree” viewpoint, meaning she is childless by choice, but she makes some good points.

I’m always ragging on the need to talk with our partners about whether or not to have kids. Beth in the “Have Children or Not” blog often writes about this. In trying to help couples struggling with the decision to have children or not, she often finds that they waited until the marriage was in jeopardy to talk about it.

Beth links to a UK newspaper article titled “I Left the Husband I Loved Because He Refused to have Children (and had IVF Twins Alone).” It’s quite a story, especially for those of us in marriages where babies are seeming less likely every day.

See you Thursday.