Beware of those easy answers

Sue Fagalde Lick Uncategorized

I was reading a question put online by a woman who is 40, childless and married to a man who doesn’t want kids. She says it’s too late for her to get pregnant. What should she do? She sounded really heart-broken. I’m betting none of the answers given will ease her pain much. It’s so simple for folks not in this situation to tell us what to do. It’s very likely this woman already thought of all possibilities suggested and knows why they might not work for her.

Commenters offered this advice:

You’re not too old to get pregnant. Maybe yes, maybe no. It is harder when you’re over 40, and the problem with the husband remains.

Adopt. First, a husband who doesn’t want to father his own child probably doesn’t want to adopt someone else’s. Second, many adoption agencies have age limits.

Get a dog or cat. Well, that helps some, but it’s not the same.

Get counseling. Maybe you’re depressed. Perhaps, but not having children (when you want them) is a loss and she should be allowed to grieve. It can help to talk about it with a therapist, but it doesn’t solve the underlying problem.

Talk to your husband. Maybe she has, and he is not going to change his mind. If she hasn’t told him exactly how she feels, she should tell him and see if they can work out a solution that makes both of them happy.

Leave the bum. Maybe she loves him and wants to spend the rest of her life with him. She just wants to have children, too.

Judging by the comments we get here, I suspect many of you already understand the dilemma. There are no easy answers. Someone has to sacrifice, and it’s going to hurt. The best hope is to make a decision and try to find peace with that decision.

One of those dreams

Sue Fagalde Lick baby dreams, childless

I had another baby dream. I was having babies, twins, a boy and a girl. I went to the hospital and was escorted to a birthing room. A doctor gave me a shot that numbed my legs. I realized I didn’t have anything at home for the babies, nor would they fit in my car. My husband had picked out names I didn’t like. But he wouldn’t listen to me.

A friend came in, and I showed her the babies by shining a flashlight on my belly. You could clearly see them, the girl facing me, the boy facing away. I could see their hearts glowing red. The girl talked to me in plain English.

All the staff went away. I felt the boy start coming out. I screamed for help, but nobody came. I was trying to hold the baby in when I woke up and realized there was no baby. Again.

Over the years, I have had lots of baby dreams, most of them not quite this strange. But I wake up certain that my breasts are full of milk. I feel my flat belly and can’t believe there’s no baby in there.

Do you have dreams like this? Do they ever stop? Do mothers have this kind of dreams, too?

On the Other Hand . . .

Sue Fagalde Lick losing a child

Last weekend I played piano at the funeral of a 44-year-old man who died suddenly of the flu. Apparently it was the Swine Flu. His mother, Johanna, sings in our church choir. It would be bad enough to lose one son, but this was the third son who had died. Her husband also passed away a few years ago. She does have three daughters and some grandchildren left, but she lives alone. I can’t even imagine how anyone can bear so many losses. At least we who have never had children will not have to deal with losing them. That is a blessing of sorts.

Most people who don’t have children band together with friends or family to be their companions and their support. Johanna is doing this. But her pain is immense. Let’s remember her in our prayers.

Taking care of "Mom"

Sue Fagalde Lick childless women in old age, nursing home

My husband’s nursing home invited families to a meeting Saturday to bring them up to date on what’s been happening with the company and talk about issues such as security, finances and a new system for ordering adult diapers. The staff served a wonderful brunch in the cozy lobby. As I looked around the room, I noticed two things: I was the youngest spouse in the room, and half the people there were children of two of the residents. They came as teams, working together to make sure “Mom” has everything she needs. The residents didn’t even know we were there. We were working behind the scenes. And I wondered, who will be on the outside advocating for me if, God forbid, I wind up in a care home without enough healthy brain cells to watch out for myself?

One can argue that people’s children don’t always step up when they’re needed. They may live far away, be too busy or just not feel up to the task. I know that’s true. Fred’s children don’t get involved in his care. You hope your spouse will be around, but it’s all a roll of the dice. Who’s going to make sure you have enough Depends in your drawer?

In modern Western society, we don’t bear children for the purpose of taking care of us in our old age, but it sure is nice when they do. If you still have time to make the decision to have children or not have them, think about that.

We’ll never be chosen

Sue Fagalde Lick Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, reality shows, Wife Swap

Dear friends,
Thank you so much for the heartfelt comments you have been making at this site over the last couple weeks. I know it isn’t always easy to share, but it helps all of us to know we’re not alone.

Now, just for fun, last night as I was preparing to paint my den, “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” came on TV. It’s a pretty good show, except for all the yelling. But it occurred to me as I worked on my tired old house that I will never be chosen for an extreme home makeover. Why? No kids. Have you noticed that every single family on that show has children?

What other reality shows will we not be on? The “Supernanny,” of course, although we could qualify for “The Dog Whisperer”. “Wife Swap” is out. We may be wives, but again, all the people chosen have children. We could be on “American Idol”. We could do “Survivor” or “The Amazing Race”. If we’re young and gorgeous and looking for fame, we could be on “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette”, but no “Extreme Makeover”, at least not the home edition. We might need personal beauty makeovers, but when you get to my age, it’s usually the daughter who outs her mom, so I’m safe.

As I write this now, my den is gleaming with new “vanilla custard” paint. I feel proud, even though my back is killing me and I have paint in my hair. New carpet next. I can’t imagine my mother doing anything like this when she was my age. Does that have anything to do with being childless? I wonder.

Did you know this?

Sue Fagalde Lick childlessness and arthritis, childlessness and osteoporosis

Women who have not had children are more at risk for several health problems. Among them are osteoporosis and arthritis. Apparently the hormonal and cellular changes that come with pregnancy offer some protection against these ailments. Previous studies have shown that arthritis in particular affects more childless women. A new study just released backs that up. Researchers at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center and the University of Washington in Seattle studied nearly 2,000 women and found that those who had had at least one child were 39 percent less likely to have rheumatoid arthritis. They’re not sure why but suggest that fetal cells transmitted to the mother during pregnancy help lower the risk. Read Reuters’ report on this study at http://www.reuters.com/assets/print?aid=USTRE6303C820100401.

Before you panic, remember all the health problems that can occur with pregnancy and childbirth and count your blessings.

Have you noticed any physical differences between yourself and your friends or relatives who have children? Let’s talk about it.

You just can’t tell

Sue Fagalde Lick husbands who don't want children

When I was dating my first husband, one of the things that impressed me was how well he interacted with children. I’d watching him playing with other people’s kids and think what a great dad he would make. It never occurred to me that we wouldn’t have children. I never dreamed that he wouldn’t want them. It was the natural progression, right? Before we got married, we signed papers with the Catholic Church saying we would welcome children and raise them Catholic, didn’t we? Oh, I was so young.

We had been married a few years when, despite using birth control, I thought I might be pregnant. To my horror, he said that if I was, he was leaving. I was not pregnant. The marriage didn’t last long enough to find out if he might have eventually changed his mind. Perhaps after he finished college and we got a home of our own . . . But he has been married two more times, and as far as I know, he has never had any children.

Husband number two was good with kids, too, as long as he didn’t have to deal with them at home. But he made it clear before we got married that he didn’t want any more children. At least I knew how he felt about it.

If your mate seems to enjoy playing with other people’s kids, don’t assume that he wants some of his own. Talk about it. Ask him before it’s too late.

How Did You Find Out?

Sue Fagalde Lick Uncategorized

When Fred and I got together, I was 31 and still hoping to be a mom. He was 46 and had had a vasectomy after his third child was born. For a while after our engagement, we talked about having a child together. If his vasectomy couldn’t be reversed, we would try artificial insemination or adoption. We talked about it with my gynecologist. We collected information about adoptions. It never occurred to me that I would go to my grave without children.

Then one evening on a camping trip, Fred dropped the bomb. “I really don’t want to have any more children,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh,” I replied, stunned. That’s pretty much all I ever said about it until many years later. Somehow, I had this big case of denial. He would change his mind, or a persistent sperm would find its way to one of my eggs, and I would have a baby.

Looking back, I should have demanded that we talk about this a lot more. I should have made it clear that I wanted children. But I didn’t. Why? I was more afraid of losing Fred than of not having children. My first marriage blew up, the three-year relationship I had in-between turned out badly, and I had almost reconciled myself to being alone forever. Then Fred came along. I had never felt love like that, and I didn’t dare do anything to mess it up.

Now I suspect that, if I had insisted, he loved me enough that we would have had children. But it’s too late now.

So, ladies and gents in childless relationships, how did you discover your mate wouldn’t or couldn’t become a parent, and how did you react? Is there time to change the situation?

Childless women play important role

Sue Fagalde Lick Auntie Brigade, childless women, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage, Elizabeth Gilbert, Margot Magowan

Throughout history, a certain percentage of women have remained childless. Although people have often viewed them with suspicion or pity, they play an important role in society, says Elizabeth Gilbert, author of the bestseller Eat, Pray, Love and the new book Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage. Childless women are free to do the things mothers can’t. They teach, they nurse, they encourage young artists or become artists themselves. In myriad ways, what Gilbert calls the Auntie Brigade is there to help.

I don’t know about you, but this comforts me. We who have not given birth still have an important part to play in the world. Sometimes we’re lonely, but we matter. We are able to do things our mothering sisters cannot. On Wednesdays, I can lead the children in singing at my church because I am not fettered with a little one. Think about it. We can all mourn the losses that come with never being a mother, but what about all the things we CAN do because we don’t have children.

I have not yet read the book, but gathered these excerpts in a review by Margot Magowan. Thank you, Elizabeth.

Holding the baby

Sue Fagalde Lick holding babies

I think I’m beginning to understand why so many women gather around babies and vie to hold them. Lately my dog Annie, the one in the picture only two years older and 50 pounds heavier, has taken to lying on top of me whenever I relax in a chair or on the sofa. Spread over my lap or chest, she is warm and soft. As I pet her, she relaxes to sleep. Sometimes she snores. Sometimes she whimpers and her feet paddle as she dreams. I stay very still, stroking her fur, loving her. Of course a dog is not the same as a human baby, but there’s something so elemental and right about that closeness, that young life against my body.

Human babies grow so quickly. It is not long before they’re too big and no longer willing to lie in their mothers’ arms. Most mothers can have more children, and they can look forward to the grandchildren and great-grandchildren that come in the never-ending circle of life. They ache to hold babies again. My mother always seemed so happy when she had a chance to hold a little one, but it didn’t happen very often.

For those of us who are not mothers,we can only imagine that feeling. And hold our dogs, if they are willing to be held.