Who will organize my memorial service?

Sue Fagalde Lick celebration of life, children handling final arrangements, making preparation early

This weekend, I’m flying to San Jose to attend a “Celebration of Life” for my aunt and uncle, who both died recently. Their five children are organizing it. One is doing food, another is putting together a slide show, another is doing decorations, others will make sure everyone is invited. Ironically, it’s being held in the multi-purpose room at my old elementary school, which is a senior center now.

It’s a sad occasion that my cousins are trying to make less sad by remembering the good times. Meanwhile, they’ll be cleaning out their parents’ house and arranging to sell it. They’ll also be handling the endless paperwork that follows someone’s death.

I have seen my parents do the same for their parents, and my husband and I have done similar tasks for his parents and my mother. It seems a natural duty for the children of the deceased.

So the question on the table is, who does this stuff when you don’t have any children, especially if you don’t have a husband who can take charge and you’re short on siblings? Can you really count on your friends? Even if they wanted to, they probably won’t have the legal rights to pay for a funeral with your life insurance money, to dispose of your things, or to close out your bank accounts.

I have one brother whom I have designated to do everything, but what if he isn’t able to handle it when the time comes? It seems the only answer is to make preparations for yourself. Even though we all think we’re going to live forever, hire a lawyer and do the paperwork. Write down what you want and make sure the people who are close to you know what to do. Childless by choice or by circumstance, we may well find ourselves on our own at the end. If you want a Celebration of Life,either pay somebody to make sure your wishes are carried out or start getting closer to those cousins or nephews you don’t know very well. Otherwise, there’ll be nothing but a two-line death notice at the bottom of the obituary page.

Mother’s Day again

Sue Fagalde Lick Mother's Day

How many of us want to hide under the covers until this Hallmark holiday is over? I have no children of my own and my mother and mother-in-law are dead, yet people automatically wish me a happy Mother’s Day. I got tired of correcting them long ago.

This morning at church, a friend started to wish a parishioner Happy Mothers Day, then stopped herself. “I’m sorry. You don’t have kids,” she said. I was aghast. Once you’ve started, you don’t take it back that way, like sorry, you don’t qualify.

Anyway, with the music director out sick, I led the choirs and played the piano through three Masses. Three times I stood up as Father Brian went through his Mother’s Day spiel. Actually, it wasn’t bad. He included not only birth mothers but foster mothers, caregivers, and any woman who nurtures somebody. Moms were supposed to bow their heads for a blessing. The first Mass I refused to lower my head, but this morning, after particularly difficult night caring for the pups and the husband and being reminded that I have had three stepchildren for 23 years, I bowed. I accepted the blessings and prayers. I need them.

It’s about 2:00 our time, and I haven’t heard a word from the stepchildren, not even an e-card. But the puppies love me.

I hate this holiday. After Mass, I went to McDonald’s, thinking I might get a peaceful lunch there, missing all the Mom’s Day brunch crowd. Wrong. There were dozens of little kids with their mothers and balloons and gifts and all that nonsense. Me, I got hit on by a crazy man from our church who decided to sit with me when all I wanted to do was read my magazine and enjoy my sandwich.

Ten more hours to midnight PDT. Then we’ll be safe for another year.

Puppy update

Sue Fagalde Lick puppies


For those who are sick of dog stories, you can skip this, but Chico and Annie have just about doubled in size in the five weeks since we brought them home. As of yesterday, Chico was at 21.5 pounds and Annie was up to 18. At the vet on Monday, we mentioned that the breeders had said they’d top out at about 35 pounds. The vet just laughed. No, they’re going to be bigger, much bigger.

Fred and I kept looking at each other and the dogs on the way home. Oh my God! Forget buying that second medium-sized crate. We’re going to need a large. Good thing we like big dogs. But that’s a lot of puppy chow!

When you’re not in the Mom Club . . .

Sue Fagalde Lick childless friends, mom club

You don’t necessarily make friends with the women who have children. That became very clear yesterday when I sang at a funeral for a 43-year-old mother who was very popular at our church. She died of cancer at such a young age, leaving a daughter about 10 years old and a husband who appeared sedated to the point of barely being able to sit up.

Nemia taught in the children’s religious education program, so all the parents and most of the kids knew her. They sat there wiping away tears. Even Father Brian choked up during his long homily.

But I remained dry-eyed. I didn’t know the woman, still don’t even know what she looked like. I searched the old church directories when I got home, but she wasn’t in there, and there was no photo with her obituary.

When you’re not a mother, you have no reason to interact with the mothers, and most of the mothers are too busy to get involved in anything that doesn’t include their children. It’s a divided world. Mothers’ lives revolve around school, sports, music lessons, pediatrician visits, religious ed, and other stuff I don’t even know about. Not having children, I find myself hanging out with older people, other childless women, and the few parents who cross the divide to sing in the church choir.

It was a very odd feeling singing for a woman I didn’t know in front of a church full of grieving people who looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t tell you their names. It was the Mom (and Dad) Club, of which I will never be a member.

God bless Nemia; I wish I’d known her.

No one in line behind me

Sue Fagalde Lick childless, dynasty, family tree, older generation dying

My Uncle Don, Dad’s brother, died recently. I’ll be heading to San Jose for a Celebration of Life for him and Aunt Gen later this month. Today I found myself inviting my stepson to join me. Not like it’s going to be fun, but I suddenly really wanted a son or daughter keeping me company. You see, in the usual scheme of things, life goes in a circle. The old ones die, but young ones take their places. In middle age, we watch our grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles die and we are sad, but there’s a whole new generation behind us to give us hope for the future.

That’s not the case for me. My family is shrinking. There’s no one coming up behind me. I looked through our wedding album the other day and realized that many of the people who were there have died. So many. I look for the next generation, and no one is there because I never had children.

I didn’t mean to make this so sad, but it’s a sad time lately. Too many people in my life are dying or terminally ill. With no children to give me hope for the future, I turn to stepchildren and puppies. It’s not the same, but it’s something.

My uncle and aunt had five children and seven grandchildren. They created a small dynasty which will continue to grow. Fred and I have not done that. He had three children, but none of them are mine, and only one has ever had any children. The others don’t plan to marry or procreate. It’s their business, but they have no idea how lonely it will feel as they attend all those funerals and take up fewer and fewer seats.

Taking a deep breath, we have to accept that some of us are the trunk of the family tree and some of us are the ends of the branches. Most of us have a choice which we want to be. Choose carefully. You get more sun at the tip of the branch, but it’s lonely out there.

Taking the dogs to work

Sue Fagalde Lick doggy daycare, psychological effects of childlessness, puppies as child substitutes

I may be starting to get a handle on this dog-mom-as-pack-leader business. As you may recall, we adopted two Lab-terrier puppies earlier this month. Almost three weeks into it, I feel much more relaxed about the whole business. We’re falling into a routine. I feed them breakfast, take them out, stash them in the laundry room while I shower and have my breakfast, then we all dash down the hall to my office, where they munch their rawhide chews and fall asleep.

Every hour or so we have to go out because their bladders are small. I still pack one under each arm to carry them out because I don’t trust them not to pee in the house, especially when they just woke up, but that’s 27 pounds of dog now. It’s a race between housetraining and dog growth.

Eventually they have lunch, they potty, Fred and I have lunch, and we all go back to work, stopping every hour or so for a potty break and playtime. We repeat the routine until they fall asleep for the night and peace finally reigns over the kingdom.

As for training, it’s coming along, most of the time. They sit, they come, they bite less, althought they’re still better paper shredders than the machine in Fred’s office. When they’re not eating, excreting or sleeping, they’re usually wrestling. It drives me nuts. But I think I had a breakthrough this morning. I actually got them to separate and sit perfectly still for at least a minute.

What’s all this got to do with childlessness? Lots of things, actually. These are my baby substitutes. There is no denying it. I know they’re dogs. I know they won’t take care of me in my old age. I know they won’t give me a party on my 80th birthday. I know they’re animals that will kill smaller animals, given the chance. I know that all of our conversations are one-sided. They are not people.

I think the puppies become so significant because I don’t have children. At 56, this is the first time I have ever cared for a baby anything longer than a couple hours. I am learning lessons that mothers of human babies learn much earlier in life, especially this: the child’s needs come first. I’m struggling to spread my attention among the pups, my husband, and my work. I’m losing work time and spending tons of money on these little guys. These are all experiences that are familiar to women with children, but they’re new to me.

Yesterday, when my husband and I had to go out of town, I took the puppies to daycare. I’ve never done that before. Our other dogs have stayed in the yard or gone to a kennel, but these guys are too small. They can squeeze through too many openings in the fence, they need to be fed often, and they wreak havoc in the laundry room when left there very long. At $20 a pup, it was worth it for the peace of mind. I’m assuming that within a few months, they’ll be self-sufficient enough and big enough to trust on their own, but not yet.

Dogs are not children. But look back a post or two, and you’ll see my friends gave me a puppy shower. Now I’ve taken them to daycare. And God help me, every friend who calls or visits gets called Auntie or Uncle so-and-so. I can’t help myself.

I think the puppies fall somewhere between the dolls I used to play with and the children I never had. They’re kind of like toys, but they’re also live creatures for which I’m responsible.

Back in the real world, I’m working on my chapter about the psychological effects of childlessness. If we don’t become parents, are we perpetual children? Opinions vary, but I’m leaning toward yes.

And now I have to go because the dogs are fighting again–just like my brother and I used to do. My poor sainted mother would spank both of us, saying, “I don’t care who started it.” Next time we got within punching or kicking distance of each other, we’d be at it again. Ditto for the dogs, except I can’t spank them. Corporal punishment is no longer acceptable in dog training.

Have I lost my mind? Or are dogs a healthy substitute when you can’t have children? What do you think?

Dog mom? Cesar says no

Sue Fagalde Lick Cesar Millan, puppies as child substitutes

In trying to figure out how to handle these two pups we have adopted, I have been devouring dog-training books. None of the ones I have read address how to deal with two puppies at once. I hope the next book coming from Amazon will give me a clue. As it is, every time I get one under control, the other pops out. This can go on for a long time, with the husband standing around saying, “What should I do?”

“Grab a dog or get out of the way!”

Anyway, I need to get control, preferably without screaming or having to lift these increasingly heavy dogs to get them where I want them to go. In his book Cesar’s Story, TV’s “Dog Whisperer” Cesar Millan insists that people who treat their pups as child substitutes are going to end up with dogs that are ill-mannered, disobedient and possibly dangerous. Why? Because dogs don’t need a mommy; they need a calm, assertive pack leader. They need exercise, discipline and affection, in that order. None of this cuddling and baby talk all day stuff. If they haven’t earned affection by their good behavior, we are supposed to snub them. Hard to do when they’re wailing or staring at you with those sweet brown eyes. But Cesar says if their human owner appears to be all emotion and no authority, dogs will assume she’s not a strong leader, and they’ll take over.

I know he’s right, but I am rarely calm and definitely not calmly assertive. I panic and wind up hollering things like “Quit biting me, you little brat.” At least human babies don’t have teeth at eight weeks. Do they? What I know about human babies could fit onto a 3 x 5 card, with room to spare.

So I’m trying. The dogs are in a crate near my desk right now, listening to oldies on the radio while I work. I’ll let them out in an hour or so. All day long, it’s work, dog, work, dog, work, dog. Once they go to bed at night, I leave them alone in their cozy bed in the laundry room, even though I’m finally done working and I really want to cuddle. Can I just hold them and rock them once in a while before they get too big? Just a little?

Most of the childless women I have interviewed have pets and treat them like their children. Would it be easier to treat them like dogs if we had actual children? We’ll never know. One final note from Cesar: People need dogs, but dogs don’t need people. Left on their own, they pick a pack leader from among themselves, find their own food and do just fine.

Now, has anyone got a baby gate I can borrow? The pups have figured out how to get up the steps from the den into the rest of the house.

No, not dogs again!

Sue Fagalde Lick baby substitutes, pregnant with puppies


Yes, dogs again. Sorry, but that’s all I can think about these days. You see, Fred and I adopted two 7-week-old puppies last week, and it really feels as if I have two babies. They’re the same weight as babies, have the same needs, and fill the same needs in my heart. Last night, my church choir surprised me with a puppy shower. There were two baby blankets, but of course no little onesies. I did get dog treats, chew toys galore, balls, weewee pads, and lots of advice. There was a gorgeous white-frosted cake with big red flowers on it. This may sound totally nuts, but it felt as if I had received something I’d been waiting for all my life. I sat on the floor of the chapel opening presents and soaking it all in.
As assistant director, I was surprised that there had been a wave of e-mail that didn’t include me. Those sneaky singers.
Puppies are certainly not the same as humans. They won’t take care of you in your old age. Conversations are rather one-sided. And they poop and piddle on the floor. But for the childless woman who wanted children and didn’t have them, they’re one way of filling that emptiness.
Has anyone else found that to be true? What other ways can you feed the maternal need? I’d love to hear your ideas.
And yes, I promise to get back to human issues next time.

Are childless women immature?

Sue Fagalde Lick are mothers smarter?, maturity, selflessness

Does not having children cause a woman to miss an important stage in becoming a mature adult? Does she remain the perpetual daughter and never learn to put others’ needs before her own?

I have asked these questions of many women. The answers vary. Some admit that yes, the childless woman misses some of the critical lessons that come with motherhood. In fact, a recent New Zealand study maintains that mothers have been proven to be smarter than non-mothers, possibly due to the hormonal changes that come with pregnancy or to the demands of motherhood.

Other childless women claim that that’s ridiculous, that in fact in some mothers are less mature than they are because they have had less time to work on their own development. And many say that childless women learn the same lessons in other ways, perhaps by caring for other children, their own aging parents, a spouse or people they nurture in their jobs. I’ll add taking care of animals to the mix. Of course it’s not the same, but sometimes their needs do outweigh yours.

What do you think? This is the next chapter I’m planning to tackle in my book. I don’t have the answers to my questions, only opinions. I’m sure that no one answer fits all. What have you seen or experienced? Does one need to have kids to fully grow up?

Uh oh, dogs again

Sue Fagalde Lick dog mom, pregnant with puppies

I know I said I wouldn’t mention the dog who came and went again, so I won’t, but my husband and I just adopted two puppies. They won’t actually move in until Sunday, but we’re excited and scared. Just like parents of humans, I suppose. At this stage in life, I can live without a human baby, but I’ve just gotta have a dog to love and take care of. I’m a dog mom. How many of you feel the same way? Show of hands? That’s what I thought.

We bought a boy and a girl, one black, one tan. They’re a terrier-Lab mix and should be smaller than that other dog, and at 7 weeks they’re already better trained than she was. I’ll post pictures as soon as I can. Oh God, I’m a doting mommy already, and we haven’t even named them yet.

Let’s see, we need puppy food, a car carrier, toys, treats, collars and leashes, trips to the vet, training classes, oh my. What have we done? We’re pregnant with puppies.