Thanksgiving is upon us again. Maybe, like me, you have already left home and are among the people with whom you’re going to celebrate the holiday. Maybe, like me, you will be seeing people you haven’t seen for a long time.
You may already be facing questions from friends and family that drive you crazy. “Hey, when are you going to have kids? “Don’t you want to have kids?” “Where are my grandkids?” “You’re looking a little chubby. Are you pregnant?” Or, if you are older like me, you hear, “Don’t bother Aunt Sue. She doesn’t do kids.”
Or maybe all the parents are clustered together talking about school and sports and other kid stuff while you feel totally left out.
You could spend the whole holiday sulking. But don’t. Just be honest with people. Don’t mutter to yourself or your partner. Tell people how you feel. “Mom, those questions really hurt.” “We are trying.” “No, we haven’t decided yet.” “My wife does not want to have children, and I have decided to support her in that.” “We’re having trouble getting pregnant.” “I just don’t want to talk about it.” “Please don’t say things like that; it hurts.”
It’s all right to admit, “It’s hard for me to be around your kids when I may never have any of my own” or to say, “I feel left out when you’re all talking about your kids.”
Tell the truth. If people don’t take it well, that’s their problem. If they love you, they will do their best to understand and support you. Maybe next time someone says something hurtful, a family member will say, “Hey, get off her back. She’s working on it.”
There’s always the option to skip the turkey feast and go eat burritos somewhere nobody knows you. Or stay home and watch Netflix. But why miss the good parts of the holiday? I know there are things you are thankful for. If you get to hang out with other people’s kids, enjoy them. If you like pumpkin pie, enjoy the pie.
Don’t silently fume and run off to cry in the bathroom. Share your burden. It will be lighter if you do.
I know there will be less than perfect moments. My niece’s kids haven’t seen me in so long they won’t know who I am. But I’ll just have to get to know them because I want to shower them with love and be a great Aunt Sue.
If you are grieving, think about a woman at my church who has suffered many losses, including the death of a daughter and her husband and the loss of her eyesight. She allows herself to cry for five minutes a day, then says, “Shirley, get on with it,” and moves on. Take your five minutes, then let it go for a while.
A few more suggestions:
- Stay off social media. All those happy family photos will kill you.
- Skip the holiday celebration if it’s really too much.
- Volunteer to feed the hungry. Helping others helps you.
- Fly off to another country that doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving.
I am thankful for you. Together, we can do this.
How are you dealing with Thanksgiving this year?
Childless by Marriage 