life without children

In Conclusion: My Childless by Marriage Commencement Address

Sue Fagalde Lick childless, childless blogs, childless by marriage, Jody Day, Love or Children, talk about childlessness , , , , , , , , , , ,

Well, my friends, this is the last post. As far as I know. If I get itchy to write something new, I will. For now, Childless by Marriage is changing focus, not going away.

This is still the only space that is all about being childless because your partner can’t or won’t have babies with you. You are not necessarily infertile. You could have sons and daughters if you were with someone else. Information about fostering, adopting or any other birth alternative is irrelevant if your partner doesn’t want kids in the first place.

In a world where most people become parents, you will be surrounded by people who don’t understand your situation. I hope this blog has helped you to deal with the clueless questions and suggestions.

You may grieve the loss of the children you’ll never have or feel relieved that it worked out this way. You may shed a tear when you watch others with their children or cheer when you’re free to do things parents can only dream of. These emotions won’t go away, but they will change as you age and focus on other things. The hardest part is when you’re still fertile and your friends are all having babies while you’re not. I remember that part all too well. Your body is screaming “Do something!” and you can’t.

We have things in common with both those who are physically unable to conceive or bear children and those who have chosen to be childfree. But this is our space. We are the ones who chose love over babies.

If you want to keep up the conversation, come to the Childless by Marriage Facebook page. We can even start a private group there if you’re worried about other people reading your comments. Just let me know. I’m also on Instagram–@suefagaldelick. Find all my connections at my website, https://www.suelick.com, or email me at sufalick@gmail.com.

These days, much of my attention is going to my “Can I Do It Alone” Substack and eventual book. Aging alone is a natural extension of being childless by marriage. When the marriage ends by death or divorce, you may find yourself with no family. Your parents and aunts and uncles will die. Your siblings and cousins may live far away or be too busy to hang out with you.

While others have their children and grandchildren for company, you will have yourself and maybe a dog or cat. People don’t talk enough about this result of not having children, so I’m doing my best to shine a light on all its glories and dark places.

I will continue to be active in the childless community. In fact, I will be part of the next Childless Elderwomen Fireside Chat, happening September 20 as part of World Childless Week. The theme is “We are Worthy.” Register here to attend live or receive the recording later.

Do consider getting involved in World Childless Week, Sept. 15-21, all online. It offers many workshops, panel discussions, and opportunities to share your own story. Some of the sessions will not apply to you if you are not dealing with infertility. Skip those and attend the ones that fit.

If you’re struggling with your childless-by-marriage situation, don’t keep it a secret. In my mother’s day, no one discussed why certain people never had children. But there is nothing to be ashamed of. It helps to talk about it. Share how you feel with your family and friends. They may be more understanding than you expect. If they say hurtful things—that you must hate children, or that you should leave your partner—set them straight. Stand by your choices. Stand by your man or woman.

Explain that there is more than one way to lead a good life. Children are terrific, but everyone doesn’t have to have them. It’s all right to explain you really wanted them, if you did. But your life is still full of wonderful things.

If they get it, they get it. If they don’t, let it go.

When you encounter other childless people, invite them to get together for coffee, a play date at the dog park, or whatever sounds like fun. 

Also talk to your partner, not just once but often, about how this situation affects you. Don’t hide your feelings or let them fester. You may not change their minds or change the circumstances that have led to being childless, but don’t treat it like a secret that should not be discussed. Listen to your partner, too. Their feelings count as much as yours.

If you play a parent-like role as a stepparent, aunt, uncle, foster parent, or teacher, try to love others’ children like your own, whether they love you back or not. Even if you never create your own family, you can play a mother or father role in the world. We all need older people to love us, guide us, and show us how to live well.

Thank you all for reading this blog over the years. Some of you have been commenting for over a decade. Others just read, sometimes hiding it from their partner. I know you’re out there. Here’s a big hug to one and all.

If you want to keep reading about the childless/childfree life, visit my resource list at https://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com/childless-by-marriage-home-page. I will keep updating it.

Jody Day recently published a long list of related blogs at https://gateway-women.com/resources/recommended-blogs. Do check that out.

More and more terrific writers are blogging or Substacking about life without children. For a start, see Ali Hall’s “Life Without Children,” the No Mo Book Club, Kate Kaufmann’s blog, and Andy Harrod’s https://invisiblechildlessness.substack.com.

Of course, I’d love for you to read my books, Childless by Marriage and Love or Children: When You Can’t Have Both.

I am still and always will be childless by marriage. It has affected every bit of my life, as I’m sure it has yours. If you want to talk, I’m here.

See you soon.

Love,

Sue

‘You Don’t Have Children? Why, Why, Why?’

Sue Fagalde Lick childfree, childfree-by-choice, childless, why don't you have children, why not just adopt? , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Have you heard people without children called selfish? I know I have.

People make assumptions. You don’t have children because you can’t be bothered caring for them. You don’t want to spend the money or the time. You want to travel or rise in the corporate world. You’re a “career gal.” You hate kids. You’re selfish.

Most of these assumptions are wrong, and they hurt, especially if you wanted children and were not able to have them. Even if you’re childless by choice, you have your reasons, which may not be selfish at all.

We’re forever being asked to justify our situation even though it’s nobody else’s business. Maria Garcia wrote a guest post about this for the Substack “Life Without Children” and also spoke about it in a live interview with Substack author Ali Hall.

Garcia, 30, hasn’t decided yet whether or not to have children, but she was struck by a conversation with her cousin in which the cousin labeled as selfish a younger woman who said she didn’t want children. The cousin has been struggling with infertility, so the subject is a touchy one for her.

Following that conversation, Garcia came upon an Instagram post that offered “One Hundred Reasons Not to Have Children.” Some of those reasons were frivolous—so much laundry—but Garcia and Hall both agree that we shouldn’t have to justify our choices. “When “I say I just don’t want them,” Hall says, people should accept that. “We are so much more than our reproductive status.”

Garcia adds, “We complement each other in our differences. We don’t have to all do the same thing.”

I highly recommend Garcia’s article, “Motherhood, Choice, and the Endless Need for Justifications.” as well as the video you will find at the same site.

In our Childless by Marriage world, trying to justify our situation gets complicated and uncomfortable. If we’re the one who wouldn’t/couldn’t have a baby, we have our reasons but certainly don’t want to discuss them every time people discover we are not parents. And if we have chosen to stick with a partner who wouldn’t/couldn’t, we face other challenges. Why do you stay with them? He could have his vasectomy reversed. You could adopt. You would make such a good mother or father. How can you give that up?

People who assume everybody has kids may think you have buckets of money and endless freedom to live as perpetual children. That’s so not true. Kids or not, we are adults with adult responsibilities.

Do you find yourself justifying, defending, explaining, often to folks who don’t get it, who think if you REALLY wanted children, you would have them, so it must be your fault? I know I do. People are full of what we woulda coulda shoulda done, but we have to live our own lives, which may not include children.

If you Google “reasons not to have children,” you can spend all day reading the various lists, but the truth is it’s nobody’s business but your own, whether it’s a choice, a painful non-choice, or something in between. We all react based on our own biases and experiences.

Do you find people demanding to know why you don’t have children—and then telling you why you’re wrong?

Let’s talk about it in the comments.

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Are you ready to accept childlessness?

Sue Fagalde Lick childlessness, Uncategorized , , , , , , , , ,

I don’t live every day thinking about being childless. I know it has a huge effect on my life. While my friends are busy with their children and grandchildren, I spend my days writing, playing music, and maintaining myself, the dog, my home, and my elderly father. They post pictures on Facebook of their family gatherings. I post my latest publication. Come the holidays, most people my age expect to be with their kids. I usually play music at church, then go home to an empty house. But I don’t think about it all the time. I don’t wake up in the morning weeping because I’ll never be a mom. I used to, but not anymore. I promise a time will come when you won’t either.

I pray the first four lines of the Serenity Prayer every morning. My lack of children is definitely one of the things I cannot change that I need to accept. I wanted children, but it’s too late now. I have a good life as a non-mother. I’d love to be one of those grandma ladies, but you know what? I feel much younger and freer than most women my age who have children and grandchildren. I like that.

Then I read this quote from Jessica Lange in the August/September issue of the AARP magazine.

“Having children gives you a perspective you didn’t have before. You are no longer the center of the universe. It opened my heart, made me a different person. Every move you make is with someone else in mind. I loved being a mother more than anything else in the world, and being a grandmother is even more fun. There’s the chance to do it again. It’s in the perfect order of nature: You raise your children, and then the next generation comes along They are the redemptive force in nature. Plus, it’s easier!”

Here’s the thing. I believe what she says. Every word of it. But I don’t dare dwell on it or I’ll go nuts. I tell myself I’m supposed to do other things with my life, and that’s that. I need to accept my situation. That works better some days than others.

How does it make you feel? I apologize if I made you cry, but you don’t have to hide your tears here. What percentage of your life do you think about not having children? Is it something you can change or something you need to accept? Let’s talk about it.

 

 

Beyond childlessness, life goes on

Sue Fagalde Lick childless and strong, childlessness, Uncategorized , , , , ,

“Remember me?” The woman had come rushing up to me at an event for writers. I was in charge and trying to do three things at once, but I stopped and stared into her gorgeous face framed by blonde braids. “Gretchen?” It was one of my former students from the community college. Somehow in the 10 years or so that have passed since she took my class, she has gotten more youthful than ever. She has also done quite well with her writing, one of my success stories. I see her byline everywhere. She told me she has quit her day job to focus full-time on writing. I know she will succeed.

She reminded me that she had wanted to be one of the women in my Childless by Marriage book but had shown up too late to be included. She was childless because of her marriage and had really struggled with it. I invited her to write for the blog and maybe she will someday, but I share this story about her with you because she seemed so happy with her life. She absolutely glowed with energy, proving that childlessness doesn’t have to be a life sentence to perpetual misery.

I share my day job with another childless woman, Mary. Her first husband was abusive. Her second husband, like mine, was older and already had all the children he wanted. But what a guy. Except for my late husband, he’s the sweetest man I have ever met. He had three children, as did my husband, but that’s where the similarity ends because Mary has a great relationship with those grown children and the grandchildren. In fact, this week, a bunch of them are visiting and sleeping downstairs at Mary’s house. They talk, visit, sing together and feel like one big family.

As you may recall from previous posts, that’s not the situation with my stepchildren. I don’t see them or talk to any of them, except on Facebook. One of them is having a birthday this weekend. As I prepared a card to send, I realized I wasn’t sure where she lives now or whether she will appreciate the card. It’s sad. She’s a grandmother now, and I will probably never meet her grandchildren, my step-great-grandchildren. Or are they any relation to me now that my husband is gone? I don’t know.

But back to Mary. Her life is full to overflowing with music. She teaches, plays, sings, and directs several choirs. Not having children has given her time to live her manic life of music. She enjoys other people’s kids and sends them home. And she enjoys her life, with no regrets.

Our church choir has two other childless women, both about my age now. Neither of them is suffering from her lack of children.

All I’m trying to say is it’s possible to get past the grief, anger and uncertainty and accept a childless life that is happy and fulfilling. Do I still wish I had children? Yes, although I don’t know how I would have fit them into my life of writing and music–and giving up my work was never an option.

Do you know people who are living happily without children? Are there lessons you can learn from them? I look forward to your comments.