If your partner has children, does that mean you are not childless? Some people would think so, but do you? 

Thanksgiving is coming, which means you may be gathering with family and friends you don’t see often. You may find yourself sitting at the table with multiple generations, including parents with young children and parents with grown children, and they may all be wondering when you are going to add your own offspring to the family tree. They may ask awkward questions that make you wish you had stayed home. Your partner may or may not be any help. 

But if you bring stepchildren, will that make you a mom or dad just like everyone else? What if the kids are with their other parent this year? Will showing photos and talking about them be enough?

As usual, I’m full of questions. I started thinking about these things after listening to Sheri Johnson’s Awakening Worth in Childless Women Nov. 6 podcast. She interviewed Gail Miller, who is a life coach, a maternal fetal medicine physician, and a stepmother. Like me, Miller married a man who already had three children. 

Miller raised some points that rang a lot of bells in my head. Her husband assumed she wouldn’t need to have children of her own because his kids would be her kids. “WE have kids,” he said. Like me, she didn’t argue with that when they first got together.

It was a long time, Miller said, before he understood that she was still grieving the loss of the children she might have had. He was sympathetic, but it was too late for her to have a baby.

When I married Fred, who also had three children from his first marriage, my family stopped asking when I was going to have a baby. I didn’t need to. Here are our kids, one, two, three. Sure, they didn’t look anything like me, and they spent most of their time living elsewhere, but check the box, kids, done. 

I didn’t feel that way. I still wanted my own. I moped, whined, and got angry, especially on Mother’s Day, when the kids were off honoring their bio mom while my friends were insisting I was a mother just like them. Um, no. 

Did Fred understand? Sometimes. I think he felt guilty, but that didn’t make me feel better.

Miller said people assume you will mother your stepchildren like your own, but these kids are not yours, and you don’t have the same rights. Your partner, not wanting to be the bad guy, may not back you up. Nor will the children’s biological parent. The kids can very logically respond, “You’re not my mother” or “You’re not my father.” You might back off to maintain peace. You might put up with bad behavior because you’re trying so hard to make a family and to get these kids to love you. 

Meanwhile, the kids are torn. They don’t want to be disloyal to the parent who is not there. How can they love you when they already have another mom or dad? If they’re with you, what are they missing at their other home? 

Step-parenting is difficult year-round, but the holidays bring added stress. How do you manage it? 

Miller offers some tips: 

• You can choose to skip the traditional family Thanksgiving. Stay home. But consider whether the repercussions from not going would be worse. 
• You can tell the hosts in advance that you do not want to talk about your childlessness. 
• You don’t have to answer nosy questions. You can respond, “That’s personal. I don’t want to talk about it.” 

A few of my own:

• Be honest with your partner about your feelings and ask them to back you up.
• If your stepchildren aren’t there and people keep talking about their kids, feel free to whip out some photos and brag a little.
• If you do bring your stepchildren, talk about it with them in advance. These people may be your family, but they are strangers to them. Explain who will be there and how they should be addressed–“Aunt,” “Grandma,” “Mr. Thompson,” etc. 
• Don’t worry too much about them embarrassing you. All kids embarrass their parents.
• Don’t obsess on your lack of children. As Miller said, being childless is just part of her world, not the whole thing. 
• Don’t expect the worst. It’s quite possible everyone will focus on food and football and no one will say a word about having or not having children. Try to enjoy the day and be grateful for whatever happens.

What do you think about all this? Do you have stepchildren? Do they fill your need for children or make you want kids of your own even more? What are your plans for the holidays? Do you have advice?  Please comment. 

To listen to the whole one-hour podcast, click here.

You can find Gail Miller on Instagram: @childlesspathonward

Visit Sheri Johnson’s website

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