As many of us know, not having children can be painful. A terrific article in today’s Contra Costa Times talks about this and describes some of the agencies that are helping childless women deal with their grief through therapy. The piece, called “Childless by Fate, Choice,” was written by Jessica Yadegaran. It includes a forum to answer the question “Have you come to terms with not having children?” I would love to have people answer that question here, too.
I’m currently working on the chapter about grief in my Childless by Marriage book, and it is interesting how one’s feelings change over time. It’s also hard not to project my feelings onto other people.
So how do you feel about it? Do you regret your choice? Are you still trying to decide what to do? What advice would you give someone like the 35-year-old woman I interviewed this weekend who is dating a man who doesn’t want any more children?
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Childless by Marriage 
No I dont regret marrying a man who can’t have children.Marriage is a covenant and it would be incredibly shallow of me to leave my husband just so I could have children…It hurts all the same, it cuts like a knife. Especially because my husband already has children and i dont. Im young, 23, and i keep telling myself theres still so much time..maybe God will perform a miracle….and maybe He will, but whether he does or not i would still marry my husband all over again.
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Anonymous,Thank you for sharing this. I know it’s hard. You love the man, but you grieve for the kids you might never have-and you hope for a miracle. Hang in there.Sue
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I know I’m a bit late on leaving comments, but I’ve only recently discovered your site.I fell in love with and married a man 14 years older than me with two adult children, vasectomy and he didn’t want more. I don’t regret him or my life with him.I regret not having children and it haunts me every day – unless I keep myself frantically busy and don’t leave a minute to think about it.I don’t know how to reconcile giving up something I wanted so so much for the man who means everything to me.To be honest, I think my (hindsight) advice to others would be don’t compromise if it means that much to you. And if I had my time again, with my recent ‘sudden revelation’ on how far the consequences of my decision actually extend (the : OMG – who am I going to leave all my treasures to? Who will care/appreciate my ‘things’ when I die? Who will organise my funeral? Who do I leave my great grandmother’s wedding ring to? etc), I love my husband and I’m not going to leave him, but I have to say that I don’t think I would take the same path.And yes, I still wait in hope for a miracle. Every time my period is late I hope, and then grieve when it arrives. And I now face the reality that age is working against me too. I’m 39.
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You said it, sister. That’s exactly how it is, and it hurts like crazy. Hang in there. It will get easier as you get older. I promise.I agree totally with your advice. Don’t compromise if having a baby is essential to your happiness. I also wouldn’t recommend marrying a much older man. Mine is in poor health now, so instead of caring for a baby, I get to take care of him.
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I have this yearning, I am jealous of others who have kids and take it for granted and then ask me, why havent you had any?I feel like some sort of failure…..I wish life presented me with a nice marriage, 2 kids and I would be happy….alas it hasnt, but god I wish it did. I cant live in the past but just hope for the future.Its a subject more women need to talk about, we hide behind the whole, oh not yet, not for me, no who wants kids etc stuff….its bravado for me.No one sees my pain.
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I see your pain. I share it. But as a yoga teacher said in a class recently, “This is the life we have. No other. Embrace it.”
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Are you still working on that book? I’m glad that the pain of childlessness has gotten easier for you over time, and I hope that proves true for me as well. I don’t quite fit your demographic — I was the one who told my husband that we weren’t going to have any kids, and he agreed to marry me anyway. I had a miserable childhood and still suffer from recurrent depression, and just didn’t want to risk duplicating that for anyone. When I turned 42, though, and realized that my potential childbearing days were probably really and truly over, I felt a wave of remorse such as you wouldn’t believe (well, OK, maybe you would :-). My husband and I started trying to have children then, and are still trying 2-1/2 years later, but I can’t really see it coming to fruition at this point. He would have been willing to go to a fertility clinic; I said no, since it seems ridiculous to me to waste medical resources on a decision I made myself. So now I just hope for a miracle, while realizing that I need somehow to get back to believing that being childless is something I want. The kid-craving door has proven harder to close than it was to open, though. I don’t know if these comments are any use at all for your book, but I do feel better (momentarily) for having put them down. Thanks for listening.
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Any advice for a 43 old man who has been married for 17 years and no children yet? When my wife and I married we deicded not to have children right away but now I wish we had. When she stopped having her period about 10 years ago, I silently grieved over the fact that I would not become a father. Now, it hurts more than ever. I love my wife and would never leaver her. Somehow, I don’t beleive she feels as strongly about not having children as I do. No miracle is going to happen here and adoption is out of the question as my wife is 53 and finds the subjuct distateful when i bring it up. Sigh. :-(.
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Oh, anon, it’s good to hear the male point of view, and I wish I could offer something that will cheer you up. Clearly, it’s too late to have a child biologically, and many adoption agencies will not give a child to someone over 50. Plus, if your wife really doesn’t even want to talk about it, it looks like it’s not going to happen with her. All I can advise is to bring children into your life somehow. Get close to nieces and nephews or volunteer in some way that brings you in contact with kids. It’s not the same, but it may be your only option at this point.
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Ok Better late than never…I guess. I just am having one of those days were the regret is tearing me and the dream of having children is so far away.Why do some of us long for children from the core of our existance and yet others have no sadness at all. Is it about the control? Are those who are not so affected the very ones that “decided” not to have children? I was only a teenager when the desire became overwhelming to have children. Logically I knew the better choice and life had already delt me a hand that was made for an adult but I wanted a child despratly. I kept myself busy, and after high school became a nanny. I kept motherhood at bay and gave my love to other’s children. Now creeping up on the age of no turning back. I worry, wish, pray and bargin with God. I want children. But logic once again wins. These days,I am not married, have a job that has me away from home 3 nights a week, a mother that is disabled and aging. I worry about the future and how I will do it all. The sadness fills me often and there are days when it’s extreemly, overwhelmingly hard to be with a man I love…also 14 years my senior who has 2 children and knows and cares about me and my pain but just can’t understand the sadness.
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I am 60. For the first time, I married to a childless man when I was in my late 40's.
For me, the pain of childlessness is quite intense whenever I meet a new mother or have to go through yet another agonizing Mother's Day.
I did not have children due to the (erroneous) idea that I would not be a good enough mother, and, later, because I was seeing someone who did not want to marry me and I felt unable to be a single parent and support a child all alone. By my mid 30's, I was desperate to have a child and it never stopped till I reached menopause. But I didn't have that support system that I needed. I am not a strong person emotionally, in some ways, and needed to have a man to help me get through the financial and emotional issues. I now realize that I would have been an extremely devoted and loving mother.
My dear husband appreciates fully how much it hurts for me not to have children. We were too old to adopt and so we have been helping a low income family of children for several years, and they and their parents love us we love them and will be close till death, but it is surprisingly very little comfort when I see someone with their baby or small child. It has not gotten better! It has gotten to be a sorrow on my shoulder and I know now it cannot be eliminated. I cannot “embrace” this deep loss: Why should I? It is not “good” for me: It is sad sad sad.
I have a good life outside of this grief and fill my days trying to help others. At least I am not alone. But I am not “adjusted”.
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I guess I was hoping to find some wonderful words or wisdom out here to help in coping with that fact that as bad as I want kids, it will never happen, and not by my choice. I married a wonderful man who had been married and had 2 small children. We had talked about having children and I knew up front that he had had surgery and although he said he would have a reversal, we would adopt or whatever….20 years later at 47, I never got to have kids of my own.
We had some horrible times with his “ex” and while I loved being married to him and helping him care for his kids, the hurt of not having my own has never gone away. I cry, I get mad etc etc.
He did go through a reversal but he would never follow throught with it, long and short of it, he did a couple of things right after surgery that I believe messed up the surgery and he would never go back to the DR to see if it worked or not.
The women in our family have always had a hard time in conceiving and I knew we were probably going to have to seek help but he would never go, he just didnt care or so it seemed to me.
20 years later at 47 its killing me to know I compromised what I had always wanted, I wanted to have a family of my own. I would have probably dealt better with the fact of being told I couldnt have children rather than not ever knowing.
Its such a long story, but today, its killing me, and I cant get him to listen or even talk to me about it, he respond is just to get over it, I cant, I keep thinking to myself that as nasty as his ex was, why was she ok to have kids with but I not, its to late now but how do you make the hurt go away….
sorry so long, so much to say, so many feelings, thanks for listenins
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So this is where we end up, when we type in the google search: childless, grief. Its a night when I don't know how to cope with my feelings of pain. So I write to you, my internet sisters. 40 and a half (the passing months begin to be urgently noted). Married to a man who is my greatest joy and also sorrow. His own unresolved feelings about his dead father make him unable to think/act consistently so we have played an off and on again game about becoming parents. I lose hope that he will ever make fatherhood a priority and at this point we need that active initiative. My pain and anger about this makes me contemplate leaving- although that wouldn't be a road to motherhood either. My grandmother died today and my grieving turns to this question of loss on both ends of the spectrum. Of no new lives entering my life as I lose the giants who came before me.
Of the end of the cloth that wove me and that I weave. Of my fading beauty. Of all the choices I've made and the lives I didn't live.
This is my statement of grief.
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Anonymous,
Thank you for sharing this. It is so beautifully written, and I'm sure many of us can identify with your situation. I wish you all the best.
Sue
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I am almost 39 and for the first time in my life, I have a healthy relationship with a man who loves me and who I love. However, He is almost 46, has had a vasectomy and has been divorced only for about 2 years. He told me right away that he had had the surgery, but he said one tiny thing that made me think there might be a possibility. I was so happy to have finally met someone after years of meeting men I'd not like to have dinner with again, let alone consider having a family with. We have been dating a little over a year and I agonize over this. It scares me to death to see those of you on here saying it will never go away. I can't talk to him about it either, because when we have, he feels terribly guilty. He loves me and says his not having children will never be because he doesn't love me enough. He said he simply can't. I believe him and at the same time, I ask myself why, if he loved me as much as I love him, why he isn't willing to. I feel like it would be so fun! I don't know what to do. I certainly have been told that there is a chance I could find someone else and live happily ever after, but it feels I would be going double or nothing, and that I would feel disgusting about throwing a great guy and hurting him deeply. I am not an easy match, and I truly feel my chances of “getting it all” at this point are awfully small. I have a lot to be grateful for, but I am grieving.
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I don't quite fit I think. But I was married 11 years and put off having kids as “not the right time yet.” Then at age 33 I decided that my husband and I should try. I went to have a prenatal physical and I was given a prescription for prenatal vitamins and then the doctor came back and said that I had diabetes and that I would have to get that under control first. My husband left me about 8 months later and I never met anyone new and I never really perfected getting the blood sugar under control either. I went to college, though, and got a better job so that consumed me for awhile. But now here I am 46 years of age and grieving the loss of my children and my grandchildren as if they were real people. It hurts so much and my loneliness in life overwhelms me. So that's my sad little story. I would that I could find a way to let this grief go. How I wish I could. I just need some peace and love to flow back into my life.
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July 2010 Anonymous,
I am so sorry for your pain. You really got a double whammy. It will get easier with time. I really hope you find someone who will give you everything you want. Take care.
Sue
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hello
like the wonderful woman who wrote so beautifully about googling 'childless and grief' i also find myself here. and i am so glad you are still there! i am really sad just these last few days having decided i think once and for all to not have children. when I was 25 i dedicated my life to a spiritual movement which included celibacy and not having children. That is where I met my husband and we fell in love and 'left' the group a year ago. I guess I had already decided that I would not have children from age 25, but I guess the decision was easy then because my whole framework supported the not having children. Now that I am back in the real world all the options are open to me again. So I made a decision to try for a baby, which meant coming off medication for Multiple Sclerosis. I am relatively well but I do get very fatigued and so I guess at times I have worried how having a child would affect me but doctors have been very encouraging about me having a child. i am 38 and I did decide just 6 months ago to try for a baby but after a miscarriage I have decided that I dont think I have the emotional strength to commit myself to a life of worry and responsibility for another human being. The anxiety at the thought of having a child is huge, I worry that it may be ill or disabled or it may come to some harm etc. And that is what makes me feel really tearful, admitting to myself somehow that I don't think I can manage it. That makes me feel inadequate, and as though maybe I lack courage. But the simple truth is that I don't think I do have the courage. My husband says he would support me either way but admits that he has worried in the past that I would perhaps struggle. I hope I dont sound pathetic here. I have had to leave my beloved job as a therapist due to fatigue etc. So I feel so many losses at the moment. I guess having a child would make me feel as though I had a purpose. Deciding not to have a child is not something you can celebrate or be congratulated for. Having a child would be smiles and praise…
So that is what my grief is about..that I don't think I want to have a child, it is a sort of loss in itself…
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Moley,
It is a loss, and you must allow yourself to grieve. But it does take courage to make that decision. Know that you are not alone.
Sue
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mh… i couldn't open that link…
it's interesting that it turned up when clicking on “therapy”.
I'm wondering at the moment wether to go on with my therapist or not. My boyfriend and i went to a marriage counsellor/therapist for a long time. At the moment i feel that was just a complete waste of time and money. I have no child and we split up, after 10 years … at one point my boyfriend stop all talk about conceiving and fertility clinics and so on, at the same time questioning our relationship entirely. We then spent 3-4 counselling sessions talking about what he saw as the problem in our relationship which seemed really “peanuts” to me, nothing we couldn't find any compromise or solution. The therapist then asked “what would have to change in your relationship for you to feel ok again” and I broke into tears and said that i would not feel ok again if i wouldn't soon know wethere we were going to have a baby (or keep trying) or not soon.
I feel like the therapist was overwhelmed with this, he had no reaction or answer to that.
I started seeing a woman therapist on my own a short time after that. Again i talked about my grief for my wish for a baby…. but as well about the relationship problems and the split up, since that was what was happening at the time… and again she just doesn't seem to understand what my feelings are about, telling me that i am young and wishing for a family and why don't i “open myself up to new possiblities”…i don't think she understands that i was so close to having children and wished for that so much, that there is real grief involved here, i can't really think about dating new men or anything right now… i'm really not sure if she'll ever be able to help me if she doesn't understand…
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I'm right in the middle of going through some of the most intense grief. I hope you write your book. I hope it helps other people. I can't help you with it right now because I don't even have words to express myself well right now.
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Megan,
My heart aches for you. The book is coming. Keep watching the blog. I hope you find peace. Know that you are not alone.
Sue
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I hope this is still an active post. I am 31 years old. I married a divorced father of a beautiful daughter. I got pregnant earlier in life, before I was married. I was not ready for any of it and did not go through with it. Since that time I have been positive that I have not wanted children. Being with my husband and being a stepmother to his daughter have drastically changed my mind. Am I out of my mind? My husband and I are actively trying to conceive but I am fairly certain he does not 100% share my wish to become a parent (again for him.) He takes the approach that he has already “gone through all of it” and describes it much of a “hassle”. It hurts me that the one thing I want, that I am constantly patronized for, he doesn't really want. This is difficult to accept, in the middle of “trying.” Please help!
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Anon,
We're still here. I'm sorry you're in this fix. I guess you have to decide how much you want a child and be very honest with your husband. What would he do if you did become pregnant? Would he support you even though he's not thrilled about doing fatherhood again or is it a marriage-breakers? I hate that any of us have to be in this position, and I wish you all the best.
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Wow, can't believe I never came across this site before, to read comments from other women with similar situations is so comforting. I never felt the desire for children of my own until recently, my husband has three grown children from his first marriage and had a vasectomy, he is not open to adoption. We have discussed vasectomy reversal and in vitro but at this late stage (I'm 40, he is 53) I wonder if it is a wise thing to intentionally do. It is unlikely to result in pregnancy but what if it did? My childhood involved a lot of abuse and I struggle with depression. I sometimes think a child would take that away, give me my purpose but my husband thinks otherwise and I have to admit, he is probably right. We may go the reversal route just so I'll have the peace of feeling as though I gave God a chance for us to conceive if he so wanted as opposed to waking up at 50 and wondering “what if?”. I know I'd rather have my husband without kids than be without him as he has loved me in a way I didn't know was possible. But just as I didn't predict 10 years ago that I would desire kids as my childbearing years end, maybe I'll realize in my senior years that having children of my own was more important than this man, guess it's hard to say. Just keep wondering why I can't get this desire out of my mind lately. Is it biological? Sorry for rambling, look forward to reading your book.
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Deborah,
Welcome. I can definitely sympathize with your situation. A lot of it is similar to mine. Just know that you're not alone.
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I am now 54 and although I had one child with my first husband, I desperately wanted another. I wasted seven good (the years when i could easily have got pregnant) years of my life with a man who really didn't love me very much and I was too desperate to have someone to love and who loved me to see it. When I met my current husband I still could have had children but he didn't want any. He wouldn't even talk about it with me and was not interested in my needs or desires. Why I am still with him I have no idea, security most likely. I just want to say that it doesn't get easier with time. If you're in a relationship where your partner doesn't want children and you do, I would advise you to get out of it before you lose the opportunity to have children.
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Amen!
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I have a 55 year old partner with three kids and two bitter ex-wives. Although I desperately want a child, he has “been there, done that” and is gun shy based on his experiences with his exes. I feel like they got the best of him and I get what is left over. To top it off, they are always creating drama. I feel like their presence invades our relationship too much. After he deals with the kids, the exes, and the legal stuff, then he has time for me. But supposedly I am the love of his life. It particularly hurts that his youngest is only five. It wasn't that long ago, so it's hard to use the age argument for him not to have kids. I am so depressed. I get this second hand, broken family whose values I did not instill, who I do not have a biologic bond with, but who I seem expected to support. Where is my support? How do I get over having nothing of my own? I can't find any good answers. I am afraid this will be a horrible, lifelong pain. How do you find meaning in your life when your life is all about someone else and not you? And no, massages and pedicures do not fill the void. I can't even have a cat because he is highly allergic. I can't find a way to feel good about not having my own children. I feel my life is wasted.
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Dear Birdie
Pleae think about yourself and your needs. Unless this man can begin to listen to you and at leadt understand your side of things then you are going to become so bitter and depressed. It could become physically and mentally very destructive. If you really want to have a go at moving things forward then perhaps couple therapy wod be an idea. At least you would both have a chance to express yourselves clearly and honestly. I can't see how you suffering in this way will be beneficial for you. I'm only saying this because you sound so very clear about the fact that you are not getting your needs met at all. Perhaps you could see a therapist- have somewhere to really explore these issues and gather your strengths- I feel you're being really treated badly here. Then you can make a clear decision, if he was good to you then perhaps he'd be worth making a sacrifice for but this sounds very unhealthy as a relationship- nevermind the fact that you're struggling with the dilemma about children. You must come first now.
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Dear Birdie, I am so sorry for what you're going through. Please listen to what Moley says. I totally agree with her. You have to ask yourself, “Is this guy worth it?”
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I'm Carina and I am feeling like I am dying a little everyday and no one understands that I get angry when they play the lullaby at the hospital everytime a baby is born. I am terrified not having or adopting. I am 35 my hubby is 42 and he could care less either way. We went thru infertility, I got pg and miscarried. The drugs affected my heart and can't do more infertility. It is RIDICULOUSLY expensive to adopt. I cry or am on the verge of tears most days about it. I cannot be truly happy for my friends when they get pg and being with their kids cuz I am sooo jealous. It is just so hard and I feel so ripped off. Especially when there are so many abortions and people sho beat and kill their own children and I can't even have 1.
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I can relate to just about everyone on here. My husband is the love of my life. He loves me in a way I've never been loved before. He is 37 I'm 32. I have two children from a previous marriage and he has two boys who are older from a previous marriage as well. He had a vasectomy years ago and I knew marrying him we likely wouldn't have a child together. We've been married 2 years and I have been aching for a child with him since then. It's gotten particularly bad now, when I try to share with him how I'm feeling he gets angry and ignores me or tells me I'm pushing him away. I feel so jealous and angry over his ex that she was good enough to have kids with and I'm not. I'm an excellent mom and devoted to my family in every way. I feel though like I got the leftovers… His first son wasn't planned, he was 18 and married her because it was the right thing to do… He comes from a large family abs a mom who was married multiple times and he has many half siblings. I feel like he's gun-shy coming from that type of childhood, but I can't help but feel like I'm not good enough to have his children. It hurts me so much. I'm going to seek out a counselor tomorrow because I guess I'm just expecting him to understand and If he loves me as much as he says, then why won't he give me what my heart craves so much. Thanks for listening, it's nice to know I'm not alone.
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I'm a 47 year old male who has just painfully decided not to pursue adoption. I always thought my life would revolve around the children I'd eventually have…someday. I've wanted to be a father my entire life, but I think it would be too hard on my wife (45) and I later on in life to have a teenager in our senior years. It would be unfair to the child to not have parents who could run around & play with them. I think of the finacial burden it would put on us later on when we're older & have a lot less money coming in. It will be hard enough to support ourselves ten or twelve years from now, how would we afford a child? I'd be a balding, grey haired old man when the child graduated. I just have to get it through my head that the time to have a child has passed me by. I just hope I can get past the wanting & painfull feelings when I see others with kids. I cry like a baby most nights, and knowing this desicion is the right one doesn't make it hurt any less. I hurt so badly as if I have lost a living child.
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Randy,
I am so sorry for your pain. To me 45 seems young, but each of us has to decide what's going to work for our lives. I pray you find comfort soon.
Sue
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After 18 years of a miserable marriage followed by a terrible divorce, God blessed me with a loving and caring man. We have been married for 6 years, out of those, 4 have been trying everything we can to have a baby but only 3 miscarriages. It is hard, heartbreaking, we all hope we will be the exception, that infertility will not happen to us, but I feel like I need to count my blessings, name them one by one and see what wonderful things God has done.I have a great husband and family, we look for opportunities to help people in distress and by helping others we find joy and comfort in our sorrow. May God provide a miracle for those of you still trying. I finally had to move on, to keep my sanity but love when I have baby dreams. Hang in there you all!Love…
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Anon, thank you for your beautiful comment. I'm so glad you have found peace.
Sue
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I hope this is still live as it's given me hope to know it's not just me. I'm 29, my boyfriend is 43 and he has a wonderful daughter. He's very close friends with his ex wife and I have to admit I'm finding it increasingly difficult. I love my boyfriend to pieces but i find myself increasingly preoccupied by the fact that he doesn't wa t more children. He tells me I am the love of his life, that there's nothing he won't do for me; but he won't have children with me.
I am increasingly sad and frequently upset by this fact and I too feel like I'm not good enough for him to want to have children with me. Life all feels very one sided.
I am stuck at a fork in the road-one way I don't have my boyfriend, the other I don't have children. Right now either way feels like a losing path. So I'm standing here, lost and uncertain what to do-how can I choose something I never had over someone I love do much? But equally, how can I ache to hold my child so much when I don't yet know them.
He won't change his mind but I cling to the small possibility he might, or that if it's meant to be, it will be. Perhaps it I'd this human nature-to cling to hope- that is causing me to procrastinate. It's affecting me emotionally, and it's also forcing changes in our relationship. I know I need to make a choice but to be honest, I dont know how to make it. The consequences are do far reaching that I am just confused.
We cannot talk about this anymore as he feels guilty and I feel awful for making him feel guilty. So I'm grieving on my own and it's increasingly overwhelming.
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We are still alive and here for you, Hattie. It's such a tough decision. I wish I could tell you what to do. I was two years older than you when I hooked up with my husband. I thought something might change and I would have children, but I never did. Does your boyfriend know this could be a deal-breaker?
I wish you all the best.
Sue
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I don't technically fit the description of “childless by marriage,” but I certainly relate to many of the postings. I am 39 years old, married for 8 years and together a total of 10. We went into our marriage with both of us wanting children. We've cared for an ailing elderly parent which took time away from focusing on each other. I've remained in a marriage absent of intimacy for quite a long time due to self esteem issues related to body image. I've recently come to the realization that my husband and I will not be having a child together (even with the assistance of a fertility clinic, the idea of bringing an innocent child into a broken marriage is in my eyes, the makings of a disaster). I'm also attempting to prepare myself for what seems to me to be the imminent ending of my marriage. We're currently in therapy together and we have agreed to give it more time but I am heart broken and in a state of depression on multiple levels that I'm not certain how much more of this I can take.
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Anonymous, I am so sorry. I pray that you find peace.
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I'm having a really hard time with this right now. I got married at 21, my husband is 8 years older than me. Before we got married we had a brief conversation about kids that went something along the lines of me saying, “I don't want them now but will probably want them later.” and him saying, “Ok.”
Now here we are 14 years later, I'm 35 and he's 43 and my clock is ticking big time. For a long time I felt that I didn't want kids at all, ever. When I was about 28 the clock started ticking. Now my husband is saying he absolutely doesn't want kids, period. I didn't even want to wait this long, and I don't want to be having a kid at 40. I'm having a really hard time seeing other people with their babies or kids. Facebook is especially difficult with all the photos of people's kids.
The odd thing is I'm still somewhat undecided myself, in that I don't know that I want kids badly enough to leave my husband.
It's really rough right now. I feel like I don't get to decide my own life.
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I too will admit I wish there was some “great news” here for people who are realizing children will not come into their lives. I just got married in April (we've been together for 4 years) and we are both 44. I always assumed I'd have a child. I was never nuts about it, I just assumed it would happen. So work and travel took most of my 20's and 30's. I now have a 13 yr old stepson. When I first met my husband, he was 99% sure he didn't want more kids. I thought, “well, I'll have a stepson so that is the same, right?”. WRONG. I mean, I care about his son and I know, although he will never say or act like it, he likes me. But it isn't that same. I am now kicking myself or being so flippant and not realizing how I would end up feeling. On top of it, my sister who is 43 just remarried (again!) and after not wanting children with her other husbands they are having a baby. We are close but I find myself not wanting to talk to her or see her at all. That makes me sad. It all makes me sad and I feel like a total failure. But when I think about it. It really is no one's fault but my own. Not sure how I will ever come to terms with all this. I was hoping these posts would make me feel better. 😦 Hang in there fellow childless ladies and gentlemen.
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Anons,
I know how hard it is to be in that position. If I could go back and change anything about my life, I would have children. But to not have had my husband? I can't imagine that. He was the best man I ever met. The hard thing is that when it was too late, he said he probably would have given in if I had pushed harder for children.
I can imagine how hard it must be when people around you are having children and you're not. All I can suggest is to try to be happy for them and enjoy as much time as possible with their kids.
Hang in there, my friends.
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I am so glad that I found this site. I feel alone and miserable and guilty for having these feelings. I am almost 41 and have no children. I had an abortion in my early 20's and have felt like god has been punishing for it ever since. It took me 20 years to finally get a husband and we tried to get pregnant and it hasn't worked and now my husband says that I'm getting too old and that it probably just isn't going to work out. I have been in agony ever since that comment. Of course, I'm in a bad mood every day which is leading to arguments with my husband which is making him think even more that we shouldn't have kids. I am pretty much convinced that he is going to leave me any day. Since he is only 30, he has plenty of time to go find a young wife to have a baby with. I hate feeling this way but I really have no idea how to move on without having a family. What am I supposed to do with all of my time and energy?
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Anonymous, I am so sorry for your pain. It hurts that your husband would say that to you. As for what to do with your time and energy, look at what you've been doing up until now. Maybe you can find the key there to what to do next. It might be that you've been living a good life all along and it can still be good, even if you never have children.
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I feel the same as so many of you. My husband can't have the surgery that would allow us to have children naturally. I am 33 and it's tearing me up inside. We adopted but want another baby. I can't see them giving one to us, as we are not rich. When we last adopted it was not too good. I now have to decide whether to take a hail mary with an agency and my bank account or live with only one child. It hrts when some people ask me, “You have a child and husband. Isn't that enough?” No. Iwant a child that I can feel kick inside me, and can raise from infancy. We adopted our last when he was eight. I don't want to have a social worker judge us to see if we are good enough for a second child. I really am so depressed I can't do much right now.
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Hello, I too had no idea so many people were struggling painfully for not having children. Here's my story: I'm 58 & my husband is 67. We have been married 27 years. We put off having a family but when I was 37 had a miscarriage…It was so painful emotionally and he really struggled with being able to afford it anyway… I was determined to be a success & then have a baby. I came from a very disfunctional family and questioned if I would be a good mother…well God took that choice from me because a few years later after a lot of female problems… I had a hysterectomy. I became very depressed but submerged myself in my career…thank God. Husband did not want o adopt… These past couple of years due to the economy, business has slowed down and now there is so much time…My friends talk of their grandchildren…And I feel pain in my heart that we missed out. I feel jeolous and envious of others..I feel angry with my husband for wanting us to wait to have a famiy until we were financially ready and then it was too late. I am filled with regret. My huband says I am thinking if we had children they would be perfect…(maybe I am). I pray for God to take this pain away and give me Peace and help me find my purpose and restore the joy in my soul.
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Anonymous,
I can really identify with your pain. We're in the same age group, and yes, all of our friends are enjoying their grandchildren, and we . . . not.
I pray that you and all of us find peace with this loss in our lives.
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Yes, I am grieving. I have been grieving for 1.5 years, since my boyfriend left me. I grieve that this grief may just be who I am now, and that I will always feel how I do now – wondering what am I missing, will I ever really know what it is to live if I don't know what it is to have loved my own child. If I should take the terribly hard step to do it alone, which seems financially impossible,since there is still a tiny window of time. I worry that my grief will never crest, and age into a loss that I can live with. That this will be a lifelong grief I can never get away from, when everywhere I look, society is telling me how beautiful motherhood is. And I hate how society tells me that this is somehow my fault, and that therefore I struggle hard to keep this grief secret – and fool no one who loves me – while feeling deeply ashamed of my sadness.
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