As many of us know, not having children can be painful. A terrific article in today’s Contra Costa Times talks about this and describes some of the agencies that are helping childless women deal with their grief through therapy. The piece, called “Childless by Fate, Choice,” was written by Jessica Yadegaran. It includes a forum to answer the question “Have you come to terms with not having children?” I would love to have people answer that question here, too.
I’m currently working on the chapter about grief in my Childless by Marriage book, and it is interesting how one’s feelings change over time. It’s also hard not to project my feelings onto other people.
So how do you feel about it? Do you regret your choice? Are you still trying to decide what to do? What advice would you give someone like the 35-year-old woman I interviewed this weekend who is dating a man who doesn’t want any more children?
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Childless by Marriage 
I am so sorry for your pain. I pray that you find peace with this issue as time goes on.
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Hi Sue, I'm the anon from oct 30th same age group wanted to thank you for this site and for your encouraging words. Wanted to share something that may help others. Tonight I was starting to feel depressed and anxiety (after hearing about a friends children) decided to speak with my husband about my feelings. He shared that he feels bad sometimes for us not having chlldren or grandchildren but he chooses not to dwell on it. He doesn't want to dwell on what we don't have but what we do have. takes a piece of paper and lists everything he can think of to be thankful for. Count your blessings. So I did the same. Then worked out for an hour to rid myself of the negative energy. This was helpful, tonight, for me. Hoping this will help others…Thank you again for this site.
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Anon,
Thank you for so much for this suggestion. I'm going to post it in today's blog in the hope that more people will read it.
Sue
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Sitting at home on a Saturday night with just the cat and the dog, and after googling “anger and grief at childlessness” I came across this page. I'm 43 and following 7 pregnancy losses (two late on due to fatal abnormalities) the reality that I will not have children is hitting hard. My nephew had twins two years ago, and today my sister told me excitedly that my niece is also expecting twins. I smile,I congratulate, I say,”wow, that's wonderful, amazing”..and yes, I mean it. But inside the sense of consuming emptiness is overwhelmingly painful. A failed marriage behind me and 7 years with someone five years younger who wasn't ready for children straight away and still doesn't seem to be interested in anything but his career..and I feel like Ive woken up at 43 with nothing of any value. Now I'm left questioning what my purpose is in this life.
Thank you for this page. It has been a strangely comforting find.
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Anonymous,
I can't imagine the pain you must have experienced with so many losses. I'm glad this page helped you some. Know that you are not alone.
Sue
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I too am thankful to hear of others experiences and so sad that the grief remains for all of us. I have always wanted a family. It has never been a question for me. After a marriage at 25 that ended with his infidelity, I was sure I would marry agin shortly and have my family. Instead, at 33, I met what I thought was the love of my life and although he said he wanted a family from the get-go, after five years and an engagement he shared that he would not have kids until he was a successful actor. I knew I could not stay with him and not have kids, I would be so resentful, so we endured a very painful break up while still in love. I then went into high gear trying to find my man and family and tried to force many a relationship. (I had lost my mom, dad and brother to sudden death in different circumstances, so the need to crete a family of my own became even that much stronger.) I finally decided to try IVF with donor sperm at 41. After two attempts, I gave up. A week later I met the man who is now my fiance. A beautiful man with two kids – 12 and 14. And, it was my hope as well, that they would fill that need. But, it doesn't. They have a very engaged mom (lucky for them) so I am definitely Dad's girlfriend/fiance. My fiance said he would have a baby with me through egg donor, but after he made that decision he was so internally miserable (for months) that I eventually told him it was not worth it and that I would let go of hopes for motherhood. He tried not to show his excitement but I could see the relief all over him. What makes it worse is that we live in a community where everyone has 2.4 kids. There is seemingly no one like me. Dinners with friends are all about their kids. It feels like pure torture. And he gets upset when I am sad afterwards. I guess I will have to “eat” the pain. I can only hope that enjoying future grandkids and filling my life with travel, love, friends and helping kids in some fashion will relieve, or at least distract, from the pain. Good luck to you all!
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Mick,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It isn't easy, but know that you're not alone.
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I am grieving deeply over not having children. I am childless by marriage. I got married for the first time, at age 40, to a man I had dated for 7 years. He was also a first-time groom, and neither of us had children from the few prior relationships we'd been in. I knew he didn't want children. However, I felt that if I married him, I'd at least have companionship until my golden years. Our marriage lasted 4 years…and ended with his sudden death from a heart attack at age 48, in August 2010. I was 6 weeks from my 45th birthday. I chose companionship over motherhood; now I have neither. My spouse's death caused me to re-evaluate my priorities…and arrive at the realization that I don't have much time left in my childbearing years, if any. That epiphany sent me into a tailspin, and I still haven't emerged from it.
My grief over the loss of my husband, and the family that might have been, is compounded by the fact that I'm from a small family, and I'm watching the few relatives I have fade away. My father died 30 years ago, and I had no contact with him (my parents went through a bitter divorce starting when Mom was pregnant with me). I was an only child, and so was my husband, so I have no nieces or nephews. My mother is seriously ill, and has been hospitalized for nearly 2 months. I don't expect her to be with us much longer. My aunt (Mom's only sibling) is also in declining health. There is a very real possibility that, barring a miracle, I will be the last surviving member of my family.
I don't anticipate remarriage anytime soon. I haven't been on even one date in the 15 months since my husband's death. I have yet to meet any marriageable men, let alone ones who want a family. Quite literally, all my male friends are already taken.
I considered single parenting by either adoption or donor insemination, but all of the above factors make it practically impossible to achieve, plus the horrendous cost has to be factored in. I don't have any friends who have indicated a willingness to help with child care, no family healthy enough to help, and my job as a chain retail pharmacist involves working rotating shifts (thus, an irregular schedule). More than likely, I won't even qualify to adopt due to my lack of child care resources. Pregnancy, even with aggressive medical treatment, is only a remote possibility.
I've prayed for the past year for God to open doors to allow me to have a family either with or without a new spouse. So far, all the barriers I've tried to find a way around are still in place, and God's answer is a resounding “NO!” I have to find a way to accept this as my lot in life.
I am sad not only for myself, but for my mother, because I know long before I ever even met my husband, she eagerly anticipated being a grandma. Her state of health precludes her ever fully knowing the joy of grandchildren. As much as not having a family of my own breaks my heart, my soul aches even more for her.
A pastor friend of mine told me “It's good that you're trying to accept and grieve your losses…but I hope you'll be open to the possibilities of God's future.” Of course, there have always been possibilities in my life, but they mean nothing unless they become reality. Otherwise, they're just dreams…and maybe even false hope.
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Oh Martha, I am so sorry for your multiple losses. We take such a risk when we commit to spend our lives with a person who doesn't want children. I don't know if you know, but my husband died earlier this year, so I do know how it feels to without husband or kids. My family is also shrinking, but my dad is still going, and I am blessed with a brother who has two kids.
I hardly know what to say. I hope you can find some way to reach out and build a family of love and friendship that will help fill the emptiness left by the deaths of so many family members.
You are in my prayers. Know that you are not alone.
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Hello Martha, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.
Take care of yourself, spend time with your mother (and aunt too if that's possible) but most importantly take care of yourself. Stay busy busy busy, make more friends, join new social clubs, keep fit and put some pretty lipstick on. You are not old at all. I have a friend that met and married the love of her life recently and she is 52. She did not have children either but her new husband does have two adult children and a grandchild and she is enjoying that. She went out lots and met tons of people before she found him. I think it's like job hunting, you have to go out a lot and search! Good luck to you and even if you don't fall in love I hope you make some great connections that will make you feel happier – and know that people do care. I care and I want the best for you.
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Hello. I have only just worked up the guts to start researching this subject. It has been hovering at the edge of my awareness all year now. I'm so terrified it's going to overwhelm me, that I won't be able to cope.
I'm 36 and have just come out of a relationship. I'm in therapy and have so much work to do on intimate relationships I doubt I'll be able to sort myself out in time, get into another relationship that actually works and then have a child.
I've been terrified of this happening since my late 20s, and now it seems like it's coming true.
I feel so angry that this is happening. It's not what I wanted AT ALL. I try to envisage a life without kids, and all the things this means I'll be able to do, but the older I get I think the harder it will become to deal with. Right now I still think I have a chance but my therapist has been urging me to really accept not being a mother. She's been right about a lot of stuff that I've ignored to my peril.
Anyway, I'm so scared about this. I really wanted to make my own family and now it looks like I won't be able to.
I'm in so much pain right now. I hate it.
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Hi Liz,
Thank you for sharing this. Know that you're not the only one in this situation. I'm glad you're working on this with a therapist, and I hope you find peace. At 36, it is not too late. None of us knows what will happen in the future, but we will be happier if we can accept the way things are right now. All the best.
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Thanks so much for responding Suelick. You're right about living in the moment – not much else I have much control over right now! Love, light and many many hugs to you all, wonderful people 🙂
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This topic has been weighing very heavily on my mind. I always desperately wanted children. I am 35 and have been married for 12 years. We got pregnant with twins 6 years ago, and lost them to complications at 5 months. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. We told ourselves that we would still have plenty of time to try again. Well, here it is 6 years later and we have not been able to get pregnant again. My doctor told me that 35 was basically the cut off year for my fertility and that after that we would need to see a specialist (especially after 6 years with no luck). We decided a long time ago that we would not pursue fertility treatments as it greatly increases your chances for multiples (and losses). We cant go through that again. So, it has really hit me that it is very unlikely that we will have children now. We are not in a financial position to adopt, so that is not an option. I am quite depressed about it. I am jealous of others who have children. It hurts that my parents will not become grandparents, and the future seems quite empty and lonely for us. I hope that it gets easier with time.
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Anonymous, I can't imagine how painful it must have been losing your twins. I do know what it's like facing a future without children. I pray that you find peace and maybe a miracle someday soon.
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The same sad story, 47 and having been raised around a loving large family, I went to L.A. and got lost in the shuffle of the quick pace of life. Never having meant a 'husband' type until four years ago. My career always came first because I never felt I could be as good a parent as my older siblings were. Now, I think I would have been a great mother. The loss is so exceptional and I dread going to my husband's family and my family to see young people with children. Some of my nieces and nephews have had the tragedy of divorce, but what got them through and laughing were the children they have had. People may say on the outside, wow you have accomplished so much in your life, and you are such a fun Aunt, but I would not do my life like this. I would have focused on having children when I was in my mid-thirties. Seeing my high school mates on facebook, proudly bragging about grand babies and their own babies makes me feel like a failure. Sorry, but if you have are 'deciding' in your thirties if now is a good time for you; you should do it if you are married or wanting to have a child with a significant other. That's what they didn't tell us women in our forties…you can't have it all. You do have to stop and plan and sacrifice during the child bearing years, then you can go out and re-invent yourselves. I did it backwards and it turned out all wrong!
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Anonymous, thank you for posting this. I can feel your pain. It will get better, I promise. And yes, you are right, women in their 20s and 30s needs to understand that this is their chance to have children. If they decide not to, that's okay, but this is their only chance.
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I am now 64 and I am a man who always wanted children but was unable to.
My first wife didn't want to adopt or use AID. She could cope with having no children but I couldn't.
I spent my life as a teacher teaching other people's 10 year olds and feeling sad at the end of every school year.
My new wife has grown up children with kids of their own we see occasionally – so I am now a 'step' granddad but I still grieve for the children I never had.
My wife has a single mum as a friend with a (now ten) daughter we see occasionally who I've taught in the last couple of years to tie her shoe laces, swim and ride a bike. I'm the nearest thing she has to a dad and I love her dearly – but am afraid people will think I'm a paedophile if I say that.
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I was very grateful to find all of your comments. To feel connected to others with similar feelings. I too have had three pregnancy losses this year two IVF and one natural and I'm having trouble accepting the loss of the pregnancies and my fertility. I am 41 years old in a loving relationship. I, like you Martha have no siblings-my brother and my father passed away when I was young. My greatest fear is my old age and of being alone. I try to remind myself that there are no guarantees even if you do have children as I see friends who are estranged from their children. I feel like a big part fo me is missing out. I recognise that I am focusing on what is missing rather than what I have got. It is a sad time. I feel really guilty because I don't want anyone close to me to get pregnant, it accentuates the pain for me. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with shame, it's like an announcement to the world that it's true I really am defective.I hope time will help me to get back in life. I feel stuck in the “what might have been” and it takes me out of the now and I am missing the joyful moments.
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Dear Anonymous,
I am so sorry for your losses. That's a lot to happen in one year. You are allowed to feel all the phases of grief, including anger, jealousy, resentment, hopelessness and all that. Sometimes you just have to take it one day at a time, trying to find some little thing that makes you feel better, whether it's something to eat, the smile on a loved one's face or just the promise that tomorrow is a new day. Hang in there. You are not alone. And know that it's okay to talk about it with the people in your life.
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My wife and I having been trying to have kids for the last 8 years.
It wasn't happening naturally, so we went down the IVF route. After 3 failed attempts at IUI and 1 failed IVF, we finally gave up on having children of our own.
We started looking into foreign adoption and started filling out forms. It was like a weight had been lifted from us both.
Nearly a year ago now, my wife's period was a few days late and we decided to do a pregnancy test. It was positive. We were delighted.
We went for our first check up and our baby was about 4 weeks in size and the doctor couldn't find a heart beat. We were told that this is not uncommon. We waited another week before seeing our specialist, all the while trying to stay hopeful. Sadly we lost our baby. We were/are heartbroken.
A year later and we are still not over it. And to add insult to injury, every month comes new hope that maybe this might be the month, only to have our hopes kicked in the gut. My wife and I are now trying to come to terms with not having a child of our own all over again.
Thank you for letting me share.
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I'm so sorry for your pain. If it's any consolation, at least, unlike most of the people at this blog, you are in this together. Take care.
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Hello to all who find comfort here.
I am three weeks away from being forty. For the first time in my life I am in a relationship I believe will be lasting. We live apart just now and see each other as much as possible. We plan to be living together within the year. The reality is, we will never have children together.
The man I love is 16 years older than me. He has 1 natural child, 4 adopted children and many foster children from a previous marriage. He has become a grandad for the 7th time today. I am delighted for him and have the seen his look of pride. I had to hide my tears.
I have Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome, I found out about 6 years ago and began the journey of realisation that bearing children may not my fate. Throughout my adult life, when people have asked me the dreaded question “How come you never had kids, you'd make a great mum”. I simply answered “I always said to myself, if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't.”
From the beginning of the year, I realised this was going to the year I turn 40 and I finally admitted to myself that the answer I had given all these years was a lie, both to the people who cared enough to ask it, but also to myself.
For the first time ever this year, I mourned (I chose the word particularly) mourned for the realisation that no-one will ever say the words and mean the sentiment “Happy mother's day” to me.
I can count my blessings in life, I can be proud of things I have achieved I can love my two godsons, but I can also feel like a failure. I couldn't even achieve one of the most fundamental roles of being a woman.
I hope my period of grief doesn't stay with me for long and I wish you all peace with the people we are today. 🙂
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Oh C, I'm sorry for your loss. You have every right to mourn. I hope in time you can find peace with your lack of biological children and treasure all those kids and grandkids that come with your man.
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Hi I found this link by chance, I googled how to cope with not having children. These heartfelt posts are so comforting to read. Realising I'm not the only one that is going through this is a help. I am 37 and I do have a 10yr old son from a previous marriage who is just a joy. I know how lucky I am to have him but when the marriage to his dad broke down and we divorced 7 years ago I didn't think I wanted anymore children. If you had asked me then I'd have said never.
Then I met the most amazing man who had been married before he is 56 now. We had a bumpy ride but finally married a year ago in May this year. he had two
grown up sons now in their late 20's and had a vasectomy 25 years ago. And as you guessed it I have this ache in my heart for us to make a baby, I have never felt this need before it's all consuming. I was fully aware of the situation when we met and at that time I just accepted it as he is the man I've always dreamed I'd marry… Seems there is a price to pay though, I have tried to talk to him but at his age he just doesn't want to go through a reversal that has such a slim chance of working. I try to understand and I can see how he feels but I Just can't turn these feelings off, I just can't seem to except that I won't hold a child we had made from our
love. I too hope for a miracle that will change his mind I don't want to love my life with the regret that we didn't even try. Very sad right now.
Thank you for listening
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Dear Anonymous, my heart goes out to you. Why can't we have the man of our dreams AND children? Phooey. As you can see, this post has more comments than any other one on the site. We grieve, and then we grieve again. At least we're not alone.
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I feel so alone all my friends have got kids i am now 48 and according to my partner I am too old now to have kids. he has two children from a previous marriage. He thinks i should have got over this by now.
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Anonymous, you are not alone. There are lots of us in the same situation. I'm so sorry for your pain. I wish more people understood that we never get over the loss of the children we might have had. If your partner won't give you kids, he could try to understand how you feel. I wish you peace.
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My husband of seven years always said we would have kids. But about a year ago, after several years of him putting it off and then a miscarriage after a period of trying, he said he didn't want to have them. I now know that he is suffering from an anxiety disorder and he can't contemplate such a huge life change while he is so unwell. He has finally agreed to seek treatment, which is a positive step. However, I am 36 and feel I don't have too many years to wait. I know now that his well being is paramount, but I can't help feeling terrified at the prospect of missing the opportunity. I am hopeful that he will improve with treatment, but still, he may not change his mind about kids. Another complicator is that many of the best medications for anxiety have a high risk of infertility. I feel I am trapped in a situation I don't deserve and at the same time I feel guilty for considering leaving him. I cannot imagine a life without a family and resenting him always for that, but neither can I imagine abandoning the love of my life. What to do?
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Anonymous, what a tough situation. I didn't know the anxiety medications could cause infertility, although I do know they can make it difficult to perform sexually. This is hard for both of you. I pray you can stick together and find a way through this with a happy ending.
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I am so glad to have found this link. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you. Reading all the posts above is heartbreaking.I wish somehow that we could all just meet in person, have wine or beer or coffee and offer each other strenght to get thru this loss. This is a deeply isolating loss.
I have never written a comment or posting before. Here is my first: I just turned 37. My mother was 37 when she killed herself. I was four years old at that time and she did it infront of me. My dad died when I was 14 of heart attack. I have no brothers and sisters or extended family. Being an Orphan is a core part of my identity.I have been an orphan for as long as I remember. It is neither good or bad. It is both good and bad, just like everything else in life. You get to feel freedom and live the interesting part of being a vagabond, the bad part is that I carry a strong sense of loss with me all day everyday. I got over most of the other negative feelings as a result of childhood either due to just part of growing up process or becuase I chose to face my life headon and deal with things by learning, knowing, exploring and understanding. Ofcourse find a job that is also my passion helped tremendiously. My work life keeps kept me rooted, gave me a sense of purpose and belonging.
I met a man, obviously, the love of my life, who was 14 years older than me at 30. He was 44. I have just become acutely aware that he will not have kids with me. He never got off his ass and did anything about it though he keeps talking about. He will turn 50 this year. I went to the doctor and received a clean bill of health but he won't go. For the first three years of our dating life, I heard him frequently talk about how bad he feels that he never tried hard enough to have kids with his first wife, while I kept losing my chance at having kids.
For the last year, I have been taking care of his 15 year old dog which he brought when she was a puppy with his first wife soon after they got married. She left the dog with him when she left him 7 years ago and took everything else. Now the dog needs round the clock care. I met the dog when she was 11 years old and have been her full time caregiver for the last year and half.I am just pissed off that at 37 my life and the things in it are as a consequence of somebody elses bad decisions. I lived my crappy childhood because of the stupid decisions made by my parents and now I lost my chance at having a family because the guy I happened to fall in love has an exwife and an old dog.
I feel like I am losing the things in life I could probably have had. I felt pain because of the crap that happened in the past and survived it. Now I am feeling pain for the future that I will never have. Tonight I am finding it hard to accept life for the way it is. I hate the fact that there is nothing I can do to make the dog feel better, I am going to lose my first pet, but it is not MY dog, even if I was the one who spent 24/7 with her and put all things in my life on hold. He treats this as if it is his dog and he is losing his dog. But barely spend anytime taking care of her.
Do I love him, I mean, truly love the man, unconditionally? Absolfreakingultly! I am sure I will find things in life worth living for, and I am aware that life isn't fair. I understand that grief, suffering and pain are a part of life. But gez! I didn't realize loving someone comes at such a tremendous personal sacrifice. And tonight I doubt if the sacrifice is worth the heartache.
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Whew! What a story. It could be a movie, but I hope a happy ending comes along for you. To have so many losses as a child and then not have the chance to have your own children . . . I don't even know what to say, but we're here for you. I too wish we could all meet in person. Hang in there, Anonymous.
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I'm in my fifties and am grieving over not having grandchildren. I married someone years ago who couldn't and didn't want children. He finally gave in and we decided to adopt, only we couldn't find healthy children of our race. So I went to college thinking I'd have a brilliant career. That failed. I thought, since we couldn't have children, we'd travel. Well, my hubby doesn't like to travel. Great. I was miserable for years and have finally given it all to God and am finding peace and happiness in my faith.
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I married at a young age knowing my hubby couldn't have children. He agreed to adopt. We were unable to find healthy children of our race, so I went to college hoping for a career and thought we could travel. Well, none of my dreams came to pass. I was brokenhearted and took up alcohol for comfort. Years later, I allowed God to heal my heart and am finding my happiness in Him.
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Hi – I am 51 and I don't have any children. I was married 4 years ago for the first time, to a man who has 2 children from a previous marriage. We have been together for 8 years.
When we were together for 2 years, I told him that I wanted to try and have a child. He was adamantly against it. I was 44 at the time and felt I didn't want to walk away from a good relationship for something that most likely wouldn't be a sure thing. Anyway, 4 years later I am still grieving. It has gotten easier, but when I see friends with their children it pains me deeply. My very dearest friend is 45 and just had a baby. She was my only childless friend. I want to be happy for her — but it pains me so much. She is coming to visit from Nairobi in a few days, and I don't know how I will stand to meet her baby. I am angry at myself for feeling this way, but it is hard for me to control.
Meanwhile my husbands daughter (who is now 15) is horrible to me. I had thought that we might be able to become close, not in a mother-daughter way, but as friends. It really hasn't worked out and has put such a strain on my marriage. So not only do I not have children of my own, but my husband's daughter (who lives with us), has been rejecting me for the past 8 years. It really has been horrible.
I try to take it one day at a time, and I do my best to stay busy and make a happy life for myself. I never thought I would be in this position.
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Welcome, Liz. I hope you can find some comfort here. Someone asked me yesterday how this happens. Your story is exactly how it happens in many cases. I know it's terribly painful. I was a bit younger, but I share some of your experiences. It's really two problems that make each other worse: not having our own children and having to deal with someone else's teenage children. It's a tough situation, and I hope things get better for you soon.
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I am a 34 yr old man who feel in love with a 36 yr old woman with 3 children (15, 12 and 7). When we first met Julie was very clear she did not want children then as we feel in love she began to romantize the idea that she wanted to create a baby with me. Julie would have moments where she switched between “I want a baby” or “I can't it's not realistic.” I made a conscious decision that I choose love and being with my best friend and risk never having any offspring and disappointing my family OR breaking up with my soulmate to find someone to mate with who might be my best friend.
So we got married about 6 weeks ago and we were on the track to having a baby then last week Reality hit Julie and she realized to her own disappointment that having a baby is NOT what she wants and I am realizing that I really want a baby.
So now I feel sick because I feel the loyalty conflict between the woman I love and the idea of having offspring and pleasing my family. I hate this feeling but I will never leave Julie and I have already made my mind up because I want to grow old with her and live beside her the rest of my life BUT I also want someone to continue the lineage of my family and me.
This is tough stuff. Here are a few of my solutions to this tough situation:
1) The buddhist principle of not having Attachment to outcome or what you perceive you want but simply staying present with what is in front of you seems like a key mindset.
2) Focusing on the positives of not having a child and all the time, energy, money it will open up for me and find a way to help others through my sadness and work through my grief to come to a place of acceptance through counseling is my goal.
3) Begin to explore the origins of my desire for baby and I think that if my parents already had grandchildren then the pressure would be less and to be honest with you I don't really love babies but love the idea of having someone who has my DNA who will carry on my name.
There is still a lot of grieving I need to do but at the end of the day I create my own reality and my situations by the choices I have made and so there is noone to resent but just sadness to acknowledge as I come to grips with this and slowly let my parents know….
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Dear Anonymous, Thank you so much for sharing this and proving that it's not just women who grieve this loss of children. It sounds like you're working hard to deal with this. I wish you all the best in your marriage and life.
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I am a 34 year old woman that recently divorced theove of my life. He was 20 years older and had 2 older kids from his previous mariage. We were together for 12 years, married for 3 and a half. We were each other soulmate and best friends. We wre together trough hallenging times and loss of family members. Inalways stood by him and gave my all. He had a vasectomy before we met but had said he would do anything when we were ready to have kids (or just one kid). Before we were engaged he said he decided he didn't want kids but then changed his mind again. So we married and it was part of our life plan. Then one day he lost his job and his new job became demanding and had him traveling most days. Eventually it moved him away and we were working on my joining him so we would continue our life. During this time his older kids lived with us/me and they had problems. Serious problems that got in the way of us. Our life began to unravel
My shriek and Fiona “not perfect” fairy tale began to crumble.
Then many friends an family were having kids and my clock was ringing. I had snoozed it several times but felt it was time. So I asked him to make us the priority and tell me when we could work on having a baby. He ten told me he was not ready and wasn't sure if he would be. He was 52 an I understand that but we discussed it before we said I do.
So it led to a divorce. I gave up the man of my life for a baby I haven't met yet.
I got back together with an old boyfriend that never let go of me and doesn't have kids and wants kids. I am excited over the prospect of someone ready to be on the same page as me. But I also worry-am I ever going to get over my ex? He was perfect for me but didn't want more kids. That was the let down. He changed his mind. He's allowed. It just hurts.
Heavy sigh.
(note the old bf and I didn't work before because the timing was not right then , not because we were done. It's similar to my ex husband and I-we are still in love but have to move forward because we are no longer aligned. He has a Gf as well. It's just hard. )
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Anon,
Wow, you did what many of us think about doing but don't have the courage. I wish you lots of luck and love.
Sue
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I am so glad to find this site. While I am sad that so many out there feel exactly what I am going through, the grieving of a loss never experienced but felt so deeply, it comforts me to know I am not alone. I have searched so many times “I want a baby, husband doesn't” but for the first time, I searched “how to cope with not having children”, which lead me to this site.
Growing up I never wanted children. I just never felt that pull or longing, at all. I was blessed with a great childhood, so I certainly had the model for why people create families, why it's fun, why and how it gives such meaning to one's/couple's life. But I just didn't feel the pull.
I married a wonderful man, 10 years older than I. We talked about the children issue before marriage and neither of us genuinely wanted kids. I married him at 34.
BANG. One year later, the longing for a child, for the creation of a family with my husband, for something MORE than just the two of us, hit me so hard I was almost left breathless. Where before I never even thought about having children, I could think of little else. The problem was that when I told my husband of my feelings and desire for a child, his position had not changed. This lead to a very lonely few years, where day to day, I debated leaving him (and he probably debated the same thing). Years ticked by, and while the majority of my life held good things (wonderful family, nephews, nieces, great friends, travel, overall great husband, my wonderful pets), I would go back and forth on whether to leave. By then I was in my late 30s and really thought hard about what it would mean to up and leave an otherwise solid, loving, safe, stable marriage. I saw a therapist who ironically was childfree by choice who helped me to see a lot of good reasons to stay. I decided to stay, but wrestle still, years later, wondering if I made the wrong decision. To top it off, I had to have a hysterectomy last year, which clearly and irrefutably ended my chance of ever becoming a biological mother. As for adoption, I had leaned toward that, and philosophically my husband did too, but he just couldn't make the leap.
Lately I feel so sad. I can't believe I missed out on something so incredibly basic to the rest of the human population. I see friends with children in college and have friends who are becoming first time mothers. I have a friend who is on baby watch for yet another grandchild.
I am not a kid person per se. I still think that I would not enjoy a lot of things about having children. I am not patient and have never related easily to small children. I am better with older kids. But I mourn the loss of giving my life more meaning through having my own child or adopting a child. I feel like my life, no matter how full it is in other ways, is empty. I don't see how it's ever going to feel more than that, especially as I get older and see everyone enjoying their grandkids, taking vacations with their families. I literally cannot understand how I did not want these same things, and that when I did, I stayed with a man who didn't. It's hard not to feel resentful toward my husband, even though he really tried to understand where I was coming from but just did not want to make the leap with me. To be fair, I changed after we married, he did not.
Sigh. I'm sorry to go on so long. Thank you for creating a space for people like us. Wishing all of us comfort and happier days ahead.
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Anonymous June 19, I'm sorry it took so long to post your comment. It got lost for a bit. But I'm so glad you found us. What a tough situation, isn't it? I hope you can find some comfort here.
Sue
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Wow I have defiantly felt a lot of connections here. I just turned 28, I've been married for 2years but have been with my husband for 9yr and he is 10yrs older than me. w
hen I met him I was young and didn't want children. I couldn't even imagine being a mother but now 9yrs later he still does not want children and my heart hurts everyday.
I cannot blame him for not wanting them but am having serious problems coping I secretly cry a few times a week knowing that i am the one who has changed in this. aspect. we have two dogs together and they filled my void when they were puppies but now they are grown and don't need the same care. I treat them like children but they course cannot replace what a real child could give me. I just need advice on ways to cope with this as I am finding it harder day by day. I have talked to my husband but he doesn't understand since his stance hasn't changed.
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Anonymous June 23, I'm sorry you're in this situation. There doesn't seem to be any good way out. You're forced to chose between your husband and the children you wish you had. I hope you can peace somehow.
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THANK YOU FOR THIS SITE! I can just “ditto” most of your comments and reasons. It's very helpful to know other people have/are experiencing the same situation and struggles. Can't wait to get the book!
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Welcome, Gisele. Believe me, you're not alone. I should have paperback copies of the book next week, and it's already online at Amazon as a Kindle e-book. Enjoy!
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So I'm sitting at work teary, and Google has saved my day. Thank goodness no one in the office today. Struggling with pain of the realization that I will not have children. I thought I was coping but this week with my 43rd birthday looming it has all come back and hit me in the face. It took me a while to find the right love of my life and when I did at 40, I was thrilled. Unfortunately he had 2 children to a previous marriage and had a vasectomy too long ago to have a reversal. We did try IVF but at my age this just wasn't working. I could fall pregnant but 6 weeks seemed to be as far as it would go. They told me too old. We ran out of money to keep trying as well and this has just broken my heart. I try so hard to be brave I smile with sadness in my heart, everyone seems to think I am fine and no family or friends seem to want to bring it up so I am left feeling so totally alone in my grief. I always wanted children and as I am adopted myself the need to have my own real family has been burning in me. So like a lot of these beautiful women here I too have filled my void with my beautiful furry family, dogs, goats, horses and even my chooks get way to smothered, but nothing seems to be shrinking this gaping wound. I love my husband he is a beautiful soul but he finds it hard to see me sad and just keeps telling me to get over it there is something else out there for us! but everywhere I look the whole world seems to revolve around having children. I feel less of a women, I feel insignificant. It feels like everyone has a family except me. But this site does make me realize there are a lot of us out there. I am trying to remember, how many people have massive struggles and challenges to deal with and I just need to put it in perspective and appreciate what I have. I know I'm blessed in so many ways, and luckier than most, I just need to somehow stop being woe is me, but oh its so so hard. Thank you for this site and apologies for the long post!
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Anonymous, I'm so sorry all this has happened to you. I hope this site can help you feel less alone and give you a place to express your feelings. I know it's hard, but try to focus on the positive things in your life. And keep coming back.
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To the last Anonymous, I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I wonder, since you were adopted, do you think adopting a child might heal your heart? It might be a good fit for you, having experienced it yourself as a child? If not, I hope you will find other ways to help you feel better soon. x
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When I tried to go to a counselor to help me with the grieving in my heart, she only advised me to keep a gratitude journal. With a picture of her two beautiful children in aa frame on her mahognay bookshelf behind her desk….She has no idea. I am so grateful everyday for so many things. I give my life in so many directions. But the sound of someone's child breaks my heart, everytime. I am now 45. It never, ever goes away. The only solace I can find is that this life is only temporary and one day it will no longer hurt. Every happy thing experienced is never fully enjoyed. Because my heart is not full. I just continue to lean on God and trust Him. I don't know why He gave me a heart so full of love for children, and yet no matter what I cannot give it to them. I had to leave teaching to take care of my dying parents, I cannot adopt, and my husband has his two children from a previous marriage and then had a vasectomy at the age of 20. Now here we are at ages 45, and the only sounds I hear is the agony of my parents who loved me so much. Who taught me how to be a great parent. Who made me believe that there was nothing more important in this life than family. When they are gone, I will have no one from my life. I will have my husband. My headstone will read simply my name and the words loving wife. I am so sad. As much as I love God, I can't even go to church, the families are everywhere. I think that is why I hurt so much. Just imaging what it must feel like to hold child in your arms….my arms are always heavy carrying nothing, so empty, yet so heavy. it's just to difficult beyond words to live day to day. so i just ignore it and get older and wait for the day when it no longer hurts. i can't talk about it with my husband, it only hurts him. and my parents don't hardly know me anymore. So i am soon to be an orphan….that's how it feels.
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