Last week, one of my readers asked if I had written about forgiveness. It’s key to moving on past a lack of children, she said. I had not, but I think we should talk about it.
In a marriage where one partner can’t or doesn’t want to have children and the other one does, somebody is not going to get what they want. There’s just no way around it. Either you split up and look for someone who feels the same way, or one of you gives in. The person who didn’t really want kids agrees to have them anyway or the one did want them remains childless. It’s a painful situation. Do you love the other person enough to make this kind of sacrifice? And if you do, is part of you going to hate them forever or can you forgive them?
I was married twice. Husband number one let me know a couple years into the marriage that he did not want children, couldn’t stand babies and would leave me if I had one. Would he really have done that? I don’t know. After six years, we divorced. Looking back, I know that he was not an evil person. He was just young. He was not ready to be a father, even if I felt completely ready to have a baby. Should I hate him? No. It just wasn’t meant to be.
Then came Fred, husband number two. When we got married, he was 48 years old. His kids were 18, 16, and 8. He and his first wife had spent years raising them, and now freedom was in sight. He didn’t want to start over with another baby. In fact, he had had a vasectomy to make sure he and his ex wouldn’t conceive again. I know that he loved me enough that if I had insisted on having a child, he would have agreed to seek a way to make me pregnant, but I didn’t insist. I just ran around feeling sorry for myself. I can understand all that now, and I can forgive him. He didn’t give me children of my own but he gave me so many other things.
I’m still working on forgiving myself.
If you’re in the throes of unfulfilled baby lust, it isn’t easy to forgive anyone or anything who denies you a child. But try, just for a minute, to see things from their perspective. Maybe you can’t forgive them yet. Maybe you can’t live with this and need to find another mate or another way to deal with the situation. But try to see things from their side. What makes them feel the way they do? Understanding is the first step toward finding a solution you both can live with.
So, in this new year, however it turns out, whatever you have to do, try a little forgiveness.
Childless by Marriage 
Right now I'm dealing with my husband becoming a grandfather and how 'grand' it is. But he denied me a child [would not even try when I begged] sooo it's really hard watching on this grandness and trying to forgive at the same time.
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Anonymous,
It's tough when they become grandparents and you didn't even get to be a parent. Maybe it's not a good time for forgiveness. It might be all you can do to be civil. 🙂
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I could deal with it better if he had at least tried to have a baby with me and not played God instead. Plus his daughter is a drug addict and has used him for money over and over again. He finally stopped giving money and she quit talking to him. I know she will try to get to him thru her son. It's a very ugly situation with her. He didn't want any more kids because I wanted to try that was when she was deep into drugs and trouble [about 15 years ago now] She gave up her first child because she didn't know who the father was [but at least she gave up the child to give it a chance, that was almost 6 years agot] So it really is hard to be forgiving.
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Oh, that's an ugly situation. I am so sorry. Just try to hang on. Things will even out with time, I promise.
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I'm really trying but I can't get there. I will be forty this year. Will I “find another mate” and then still have a chance to have children? Will the “next mate” – supposedly a man around my age – not be someone who already had children and not want anymore with me? Will I be able to accept it then? Will the “next mate” agree to children – but then we'll find out together that my time, biologically, is already up? Or will it take more than 2 or 3 years…by which time I will definitely be too old?Or should I stop this thinking in circles and just forget about the babies?It's my ex who brought me into this situation. He probably made a life decision for me. There was no decision left for me to make, since he decided not only on the “no children” but also on the “no more relationship.”I know some people think I'm whining and that “there's a whole lot of opportunities out there for me,” but it just doesn't feel that way.
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Hi Elena. I'm sure lots of women out there feel just like you, so know that you're not alone. Being 40 and seeing the door about to shut on motherhood is a tough time. I hope you find a way to stop thinking in circles and find peace.
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Thanks Sue
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Elena, that's what happened to me. I was 37 when I really pushed the issue with my husband. I thought if I left, what were the chances of me finding another guy [quickly because of my age and most likely his age] that would want to get married and have kids right away? So I stayed and here I am 14 years later watching him get to be a grandfather and I cannot forgive either.
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I’m with a man who already had the troubled marriage and kids and doesn’t really treat me very well. At least in your case, Sue, you found a special man, so that was something. I never dated a decent guy and doubt they even exist. I have nothing. Who do I even forgive in a situation like this?
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Oh, Anonymous, I'm so sorry. I assure there are good guys out there. Try to find at least one good thing in your life. I wish you peace.
Sue
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I just found your blog. Perhaps this isn't the place for me to share my story. I will understand if you delete this comment.
I am the other half of this equation — the one who comes to the love of her life with a child from a previous marriage, who is approaching menopause, who is not sure she can give her younger partner the child he wants. It's a terrible thing to understand what my partner is giving up to be with me. I don't know what the answer will be for us. For all I know, I could end up adopting a baby in my 50s, although it's not what I ever envisioned for my life and not, at this point, what I want. More likely, we will not have children together. I wonder how he will forgive me. I wonder how I will forgive him. I wonder how I will forgive myself.
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Older Woman, Thank you for posting this. I think it's important to see the other side of the story. In a woman's case, it's even more complicated because our child-bearing years are limited. I hope you and your husband find a solution you both can live with.
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My husband cannot give me a child because he is medically not capable. (No sperm) This is making me so miserable, depressed and at times very angry. I cannot but help be moody at times. My husband is totally all right with the fact that he does not have kids. In fact, he does not want any and is quite happy with the medical condition he is having. He in unable to understand how I feel though and expects me to grow up and move on….to deal with things. I am falling flat on my face on this. I just cannot come to terms with the fact that I will not be able to have a kid. I love my husband and I want a kid by him. So I do not wish to adopt because I would always feel that it is not our kid. But I just cannot help the way I feel sometimes. I feel jealous when any of my friends have kids. I have no one to talk to as I have not talked about his problem with anyone. I feel bad to put him down in public by saying that he can’t give me kids. Instead I take the blame by saying that I am having a medical condition. This is not helping me either. Not that my husband has not told me not to talk about his medical issues in public, but it’s just me feeling bad to put him down. Please help me to move on. Please say something to take this pain away. Right now I am feeling very sad for myself.
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Oh Anonymous, what a tough situation. I don't think you have to explain to anybody who isn't your doctor why you can't have kids. It's none of their business. It's good that you don't want to air your husband's medical problems in public, but you don't have to imply nonexistent problems for yourself.
It sounds like you and your husband have a pretty good relationship outside of this problem. I think you need to talk about this with him a lot more, make him understand that this is a big deal for you, that you have every right to want children and every right to grieve if you can't have them. It's okay to cry over it. Ultimately, if you stay with this husband, you'll have to find a way to live without children, and that is hard but do-able. I wish you peace and send you a virtual hug. ((()))
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My husband and I got married last year. I made sure to tell him I wanted kids, and he said he did too. He already has 3 kids 18, 14 and 11. I made sure that he wanted kids because my first marriage didn't work because he didn't. Well, come to find out, 8 years after our divorce I found out he has two kids with the girl he left me for. Well anyway, getting to the point my husband’s 14-year-old daughter came to live with us shortly after we got married, and she has been a nightmare since she has no respect for women. My husband decided to tell me shortly before Christmas that he no longer wants any more kidsand I told him to get the divorce papers ready. He got very angry, but once I pointed out I made it very clear before we married that I want kids and if you don't, walk away now, I am not giving up my dream for anyone. Well thankfully, his cousin pointed it out as well. After many hours of talking, we will start trying within the year. I have been truthful with every man I have been with. If you don't want kids, walk away now. A lot of guys have tried to talk me out of it, but I just walked away from them. They thought I was joking till I moved out. I have run into some of them and they all thought I was bluffing till I walked away.
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Bravo, Anonymous. I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself and making it clear that you're not backing down. When we're wishy-washy about it, nothing happens. But if we take a stand, we may just get our wish. I wish you all the best with your baby-making future. And good luck with the stepkids.
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I sit here feeling emotionally dead inside, and struggle daily with the same feelings these other women have written about. I'm 36 now and have been married almost 8 years. I've spent the past 4 years trying to convince my husband to have children. About 9 months ago, I really started pressuring him to make a commitment to pursue having children with me. He has no children and had a vasectomy several years ago in his previous marriage. He says he did it for his (ex)wife who didn't want children, although he maintains he always wanted children. We found a surgeon who said he could reverse the vasectomy and make my husband just about “as good as new”. We have since scheduled and then cancelled two surgery dates for the reversal. Both times, my husband backed out at the last minute because, he says, it just wasn't the right time-because we aren't getting along, or it's too expensive, or how will it affect the child I had from a previous relationship, etc. (I have a 15 year old daughter from a previous relationship.) I've tried to explain to him that because I was a single mom for the first 7 years of my daughter's life, I never really had the opportunity to enjoy being her mom. I worked multiple jobs, so my mother became her primary caregiver. And she was the one to enjoy all the “firsts”, i.e. first word, first tooth, first step, etc. I was relegated to being nothing more than an older sister to my daughter. For years my daughter viewed my mom as being her mother rather than me. She would run to my mother for comfort or protection when hurt or sad. She preferred to stay with my mom rather than come home at night with me. On the one hand I feel so guilty and selfish for being angry and devastated that I can't have more children, because I know I should be happy with the one I have. And I AM so thankful for my daughter. But on the other hand, I don't know how to forgive my husband for refusing to even TRY to fulfill my desire for more children. I don't know how to move on past the hurt, betrayal, anger, and depression that I feel is setting in, deeper every day. I believe in God and know I'm called to forgive him, but I honestly don't know how to forgive him and move on, or if I ever will. We have other issues in the relationship with him being dishonest and evasive to avoid conflict, which has not helped matters. We're in counseling, but it isn't helping much. My husband and the counselor want me to make a commitment to work on the marriage with the thought that maybe one day we could still try to have children. But, I don't think I can make that commitment. I've done a lot of research into statistics of having children after 36-37, and it's not too promising. I feel so hopeless and have no desire to put forth the effort and energy to make this relationship work anymore. I just want to give up and move on.
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Anonymous, I am so sorry for your pain. What jumps out at me is that the longer one waits, the more difficult it is to successfully reverse a vasectomy. If only there were some way to get your husband to have the surgery right away and then deal with the rest of it, whether to have a child, work on the marriage, or give it up. Lots of women do have children in their 30s, so it's too soon to say it's too late. But you've got to figure out whether the marriage is going to work. Just know that somewhere beyond this current muddle, there will be a more peaceful and happy life. I wish you all the best.
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I am in the middle of a similar situation now. My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years. He has two wonderful sons from a previous marriage. We have been talking about having a baby off and on for years. He had gotten a vasectomy while still married to his ex. We knew that having one would mean medical intervention. We at different times had explored adoption, foster care and having a baby. We went through most of the process of fostering and then decided it was not for us for various reasons. Cut to a couple months back, having a baby was a go. We set an appointment with the fertility doc who was booked two months out and I anxiously waited. My husband grew very, um moody? About it. I could hardly talk to him about any aspect of it with out getting an attitude from him. We went to the appointment and he was so cold the entire time. On the way home, I asked what was up and he snapped at me. He informed me that this was something important to me. Not us, we, he… just me. Ouch. A few days later he says he just doesn't know that he wants to have a baby. Without boring you with the whole conversation, I thought at the end of it from his words and actions that it was just him being scared because of his age (he is almost 40, I am 29)he even went as far as telling me at the end of that conversation that he knew it was not the last time we would be addressing it. We agreed that we had said all we could that night and we would talk more at another time. Then a couple nights ago I asked him if he had put anymore thought into the baby situation and he quickly and rudely snaps “No” at me. He informed me that he had already told me no last time we talked. I told him I was confused because I thought he was considering it. He says he has nothing more to say on the topic because he said all he needed to say on the topic… “No”. So now, I am heartbroken and at a loss. I want a baby. I want him and this marriage as well. I just do not know that I am willing to give up wanting to have a child of my own…. </3
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Oh T, I hear so many similar stories, and I hurt for you. Clearly your husband is not going to talk about it now, so maybe you'll have to wait a bit. At 29, you still have time, but you'll have to decide which is more important to you, saving the marriage or having a child. The conversation isn't over, but let him cool down a little. I wish you the best with this.
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This is a follow up to my anonymous post on April 6, 2013. I have explained repeatedly to my spouse that we've almost run out of time to get anything done medically. Now he is saying he will do the surgery because it's what I want, not “we” or “us”. And I'm sure, like most women, we don't want to have a baby when only one partner wants one. We want it to be a mutual decision and one that we both are excited to make together.
Like “T” who posted on April 9, I have also considered adoption and fostering, but after looking into it further, I don't see that it's the best option for our family.
I hope and pray that “T” can resolve her situation. I completely understand what she's going through. My husband did the same thing where he became more moody and irritable the closer we got to both of his surgery dates.
On a side note, yesterday we went house shopping for a home closer to where he works. At one of the open houses, the realtor informed us the house was for sale because the family was going to have two more children and wanted a bigger home. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. It completely ruined the rest of my afternoon and I'm still aching this morning. I don't even want to leave my house anymore. It seems like all I see are babies, pregnant women or people talking about babies, families, children, etc. Please tell me this pain will subside in time. 😦
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Anonymous, I hurt for you. Isn't it awful when somebody says they'll go along with what you want, but you just know they're going to hate it and complain all the way? Bleh. So how bad do you want a baby, bad enough to put up with whatever he dishes out after he does the surgery? If so, go for it.
I'm sorry the house-hunting ruined your afternoon. Babies do seem to be everywhere, especially when you're feeling bad about not having them.
The pain will subside in time, I promise you. You're at the age when it's huge, but eventually it will get easier.
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I just recently found your post. Three years ago, I married a wonderful and supportive man but he lived abroad, so I had to pretty much change every aspect of my life when I moved to his country. He did mention sometimes that he wanted to have kids before a certain age and I always replied that I needed time to cope with the change and land on my feet in my new location. One year ago, I started trying to have kids (bought books, maternity clothes and even some baby clothes), I've always figured that since I have excellent health and all of the women in my family got pregnant in a snap, this would be my case. Fast forward 6 months. I couldn't get pregnant and he started to get moody. We have not tried to get pregnant in the last three months and he made the decision of stop trying altogether and blamed me for waiting on our 2 first years of marriage. I was shocked, since this leaves me all alone in a different country, I decided that if I would not get kids, I will try to get the best marriage possible. But he is completely distant and furious at me. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that he made a decision and is miserable because of it, a decision that can be reversed. What can I do? I’ve suggested therapy, but he does not want to go nor to talk to anyone (family or friends or even me). Can you help me? I don’t think I can be in a marriage as miserable as the one I have right now for the rest of my life, but I really love my husband.
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Dear Hactina,
I'm sorry you're in this situation. I don't think anyone can blame you for wanting to wait a little to get used to a new life in a new country before trying to have children. How awful that he changed his mind. But I'm thinking it's totally possible that he'll change his mind again and want to work on having children. Right now it sounds like such a sensitive situation that maybe you should let it go for a while. Work on the relationship and figure out whether your love is strong enough to carry you through, whether or not you have children. Counseling might help, but not if he won't go. Stop pushing him and let him cool down. I hope things get better soon.
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I just found your post. I am 42 and my partner is 47. We are not married but are in a committed relationship. We live together and have been together for five years. He has a 7 year-old daughter from the previous relationship and she comes to stay with us regularly. I have many times expressed to him that I want a child with him and want us to try. I will happily accept if I don't get pregnant (and that can well be possible due to my age) but having him insisting we cannot have a child together (that is what he says) has been very painful and I do resent him, which has started affecting the relationship negatively. I have started thinking about leaving him. I cannot be with someone I resent. I'm very sad about the whole thing. He is a sincere man who is devoted to his daughter.. am I right in thinking like this? I cannot tell anyone about this as all my friends have kids. I feel very alone.
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Anonymous May 24, I wish you weren't in this situation. I wish nobody was. The truth is that even if he gives in and says okay, let's try to have a baby, he may resent you, and bad feelings will continue, whether or not you get pregnant. At 42, the odds aren't great, but it could happen. You need to figure out which is more important, saving your relationship with this man or taking a chance that you might have a child with someone else. I wish you luck. Know that you are not alone.
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I've been with my SO for 3 years; he has two older children from a previous marriage, and I have no children, but am wishing for one desperately, at 32 years old. While unmarried we are thoroughly committed to each other, and are absolutely made for each other. I know he must have fears, but his being firm on not giving us the gift of parenthood is getting to be too much. Like anonymous 2 posts above, I would even be willing to accept the fact that I couldn't have any of my own for medical reasons, but I want to try so badly, to say that we at least tried. I can't help but feel hopeless, and at times, unfortunately, that I hate him and am so envious of his ex. It has been said above: it's as if “she” was better than me in that he married her and chose her to be a mother, unlike me. This can't be healthy for us. I don't know where else to turn . While I am glad I am not alone in my feelings, it hurts me to see so many of us in so much pain.
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Dear Sad Mona, so not fair, so not fair. I keep seeing the same story over and over. I want to throttle the husbands for being so selfish. You still have time to change his mind, but if you nag too much he'll get mad, so I don't really know the answer except the same old one: is he worth sticking with even if he won't give you children? Hugs.
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Would be nice to hear people's opinions on this.
My husband has a lot of emotional and physical difficulties. His parents brought him up very badly and it has had a huge impact on our lives. When we were first together he was very verbally abusive towards me and treated me appallingly, yet tried to get me to have children with him. Of course I didn't want to have children with him when he was treating me like that and my work situation was very difficult too. After a few years I felt things were better and I suggested having children. He said “It's too late now” and that was that. I was shocked but a long time after he admitted that he said it to spite me because I didn't want children when we were first married. I explained why and he understood a little but he finds it very difficult to see anyone else's point of view because of the way he's been brought up. Since then we have tried on and off to have children but it has always been a very difficult subject and he hasn't been willing to work on his health to make it possible (he has diabetes and alcohol problems). Why am I still with him? He is not a bad person, he has been damaged by his upbringing and it's difficult to totally condemn him. He has also improved in his behaviour since taking anti-depressants. My problem is that he won't make the effort to be healthy and give us a chance to have children and I feel he owes that to me but I don't think he sees that at all. I find it very difficult not to feel bitter towards him and particularly his mother, who caused so many of our problems and has also caused me great sadness due to her extreme emotional inabilities which led to her killing my lovely cat when she was looking after him (she forced him to sit on her lap because she wanted him to like her, he ran up the chimney and she pulled him down so hard that she broke his spine. She has never admitted or apologised for this, we found out because she let it slip). Am I being too forgiving and letting myself be a victim of my husband's dysfunctional family? As time passes I feel more angry and bitter as my husband doesn't want to understand or talk about things and I can't stand the sight of his mother. I feel that I have to make huge sacrifices for them all the time because of their problems but they only care about themselves and I'm the one who has to suffer while they are protected by my forgiveness. Is there a limit to forgiveness? It's very difficult to say that when the people you're trying to forgive have problems themselves (both he and his mother have problems from poor upbringings). Any thoughts much appreciated! Thank you, A
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Anon, I am sorry you have had to go through all this. I am not sure I could hang in there . Only you can decide whether you life would be better or worse without this man. I hope you can find a way to make it work. Readers, do you have any words of wisdom for Anonymous ?
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My husband and I have been together 7 years and married for just over one. At first he was happy and excited to have a kid with me (he has 2 from his first marriage), but over the years he feels 'he is too old' to have kids now. I don't have any and I just want one of my own. His kids are mine as much as they can be, but they are not mine. If he leaves me tomorrow I have 0 family and he has 2 kids. I feel like I am being cheated. He refuses to have another kid, even though he knows just how much it really means to me. He says I should 'just leave him (said with a snotty tone)' if I would rather have a kid than be with him. How do I choose between the two? Stay with someone I love and give up on a lifelong dream or do I give up my love and find someone who loves me enough to have a kid with me???I am at a loss.
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Dear Amanda,
Your last sentence says it all. This is the choice so many of us have had to face. Stay with the man (or woman) we love and give up children or leave him and hope you can find someone else who wants to have babies with you? As I wrote in my post, there's no good answer. Somebody's going to get hurt. I do know how you feel. I'm glad you have a relationship with his kids. Try to cherish it. I want to tell you to keep telling your husband you have to have child, but nagging will just push him away. I pray that you both find a way to work this out.
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I been with my bf for 6 years and I always wanted to be mom. He has a six year old son from a previous relationship. For the last three years, he been telling me we’re gonna try for a baby, but when that time came he changed his mind and told me he doesn’t want any more kids because he already has one. I feel like he wasted the last three years of my life. He felt this way for awhile and didn’t care to share it with me, knowing how much I wanted a child. I love him, but I want to be a mother, so is it time for me to move on.
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Anonymous Jan. 6, If you are asking if it's time to move on, I'd say yes. You have to ask yourself which you want more, this man or your own children. I wish you luck with this. It's not easy.
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I am a 48 year old woman with a 14 year old daughter. My partner is 30. We have been together for 5 1/2 wonderfully happy years. When we met I was very clear that I didn't want any more children – I tried to put him off and asked him to think really hard about what he wanted. He chose me. Now he is saying that he thinks he wants a child after all and may leave our relationship in search of what seems like a fantasy to me. I am devastated and waiting for him to make his mind up. We have started work with a counselor to try to straighten this out, but I am so hurt at the moment that I just don't know what to do. I am just waiting for his decision and praying that he values what we have enough to choose our life together. He says that he still feels the same about me and that he wants us to be together but is torn by this other idea of an alternative future.
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Oh Anonymous Jan. 12,
What a pickle. Your husband is in the situation so many of the women here find themselves in, married to older men who already have all the children they want. There is never a perfect solution. I hope the love you have for each other can carry you through, and that counseling can help you work it out. Don't give up.
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Well, my situation is that my husband can't have kids anymore. He has a 15 year old daughter from his previous marriage, so when we we got married, we did it with the idea of having maybe 1 or 2 kids. About 2 years ago, we were told that he mostly won't be able to get me pregnant. We had a round of IVF which didn't work.Now, I have to deal with the prospect that I might not have kids at all since I'm 37. I'm confused, sad and a little depressed about it. My husband is wonderful, but I'm not sure if I will be able to live with this decision.I appreciate your advice.
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Anonymous Jan. 24, I'm so sorry this happened to you and your husband. It's a sad thing. I'm sure you know all the usual answers people give: adopt, use a sperm donor, keep trying with the fertility specialists. Don't give up hope, but try to see the other things that are good in your life right now, and know that life will be okay if you don't have kids.
Readers? Any advice?
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I never wanted children or marriage and I unexpectedly fell in love with a man older than me. I am 25 and he is 50. He is everything I have ever wanted and more. He has one child and is a widower. In the beginning, I told him I never wanted children and he told me he knows he doesn't want anymore due to his age. After a couple years of being with him, I want a child and I've expressed it to him. It always ends in a fight. He sometimes tells me that he would give me what me what I wanted if we were married. I told him I would feel awful trapping him like that. He is such a great dad, and I want that with him. I would never want to lose him, and his son. They mean absolutely everything to me.
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Anonymous, I'm sorry you're in this situation. People change their minds, and you can't help it. But you did go into it knowing the situation, and I hope you can find a way to accept it because it sounds like he's a great guy.
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Dear T: divorce his sorry ass now while you are still young. If you don't, you are going to be like me, childless not by choice and middle-aged! Go find yourself a good man who wants to have children with you….try the dating websites after you ditch this selfish man you’re currently with.
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I already have a child but desperately wanted a larger family. I met a wonderful man but he didn't want children and despite a great deal of heartache I gave up the idea of having more children to stay with him. I am now 45 and guess what – he regrets the decision. I know I have a son and I count my blessing each day but I am just waiting for the day he leaves me so he can have children of his own.
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Hi. thank you for everyone who has posted on this site, I find it very useful to read.I am 27 years old and my fiancé is 40. We have been together for 3.5 years and have been engaged for a year. We have a really good relationship. We are so good together and love each other very much.I am a student in my second year of university and he has a good job where he makes lots of money.I was told by my doctor last year that because of my family history of gynecological problems it may be difficult for me to have children if I wait to long. She told me this knowing I really want children.So recently I have been thinking about it and brought it up to my fiancé about how I was scared that if I waited too long I might not have the chance. I posed the question of trying now and I could take a one-year break from school just so I can make sure I don't miss out on the opportunity of having a family. He says no, he wants me to finish school first. And if I have a baby now I will never go back. This is my second career, and I could go back to either 2 at any time so the school is purely so I can ensure a better paying job in my future. I just don't know what to do or say. If i wait till I am in my 30's It may not happen. My mother, her sisters and my grandmother all had hysterectomies by 30-35 due to a plethora of genetic issues that will most likely hinder me from having children if I wait.How do you think I should approach the situation? I feel really bad that he can't see it from my point. And I feel even more bad thinking that he is essentially making me choose between having a family or my career. I don't think It is fair for him to choose such a thing for me.Am I overreacting? Am I thinking too much? I really want a baby, and I know I can do school and be a mother. I just don't know what to do or say.
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Anonymous, First, I hope you're the member of the family who breaks the trend and stays healthy for many more years. Second, the more you harass your fiance about having kids, the more stubborn he's likely to get because that's how people are. But you need to get him to understand the urgency. Is it possible to have your doctor talk to him? Or somebody else, a family member or counselor? He needs to understand that everything else can wait, but if you're going to have children, it has to be now. I hope you can resolve this.
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I too, got married at the age of 35 but was not aware that my husband got vasectomy during his previous marriage because the wife had 2 kids from her previous marriage. I was so devastated that he did not tell me before we got engaged. I had been trying to get pregnant, like a dummy because he was not telling me the truth. We are still together, but our relationship is no longer the same. I don’t hug and kiss him anymore. I’m planjing to leave him if the right time comes. We did consult an infertility doctor and IVF is our only option. I told him if I would have known earlier, we would have worked things out. I’m so devastated. I would not have known if I hadnt dragged him to see the infertilty doctor. I feel so worthless. I thought I married a trustworthy man. I don’t feel the love for him anymore. I feel this marriage was a lie and is not valid at all.
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Anonymous, that's terrible. I'm sorry this happened to you. It would be hard to trust your husband after that. I hope you can find peace.
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I'm 43, married for 10 years. My husband is 41. We both agreed on no children, but now he changed his mind! Even if I changed mine, the odds are against me on having a healthy baby!! He wants to leave me to find a younger woman who wants a baby. We moved cross-country for his career, I gave up my job and have been unemployed for 2 years, supporting him in all his endeavors, and he drops this bomb. I told him we could try to have a baby, but he doesn't want to roll the dice with me and my age and possible birth defects. . . my life is over.
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Damn! I hate this, Anonymous. I want to punch your husband until he understands he's an idiot. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's not fair. It's not right. I hope you can work it out and make him understand why he married you in the first place.
Your life is not over, but it's definitely going to change. You're in my prayers.
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Thank you for addressing this topic. I want to thank all the women who posted comments and shared their stories. It's nice to know other people feel the same way I do. But instead of hearing more stories about heartache, can anyone provide advice on how to start the healing process?
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Anon, this is such a good question. Readers, please add your suggestions in the comments. I will address this in a future post.
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