In last Friday’s post, I asked whether having stepchildren made you a mother. For me, it’s part yes, part no. Fred’s kids have been in my life for almost 30 years, but their biological mother is the one they think of as Mom. And that makes sense. If my father remarried, his new wife might be the most wonderful woman in the world, and we might love her very much, but she could never take the place of our real mother. That’s just biology, plus family history.
If your partner has children from a previous marriage, he will always have a connection to them that you can never have. They are his kids, not yours. When a conflict arises between you and the kids, who is he going to side with? The new wife may find herself competing for her husband’s time and attention, as well as his money. This can put a real damper on a marriage.
When he (or she) has kids and you don’t, that can add to the stress. As several readers have commented here, it gets even worse when his children grow up and have babies of their own. Now he gets to be a grandparent and you don’t.
Now some couples have no problem with any of this. They and the kids become one happy family, and they don’t even think the word “step.” They’re all “our kids.” They are blessed. I hear from plenty of people for whom having stepchildren makes a painful situation even more difficult.
How is it for you? Does your partner have kids from a previous marriage? Do they live with you or with their other parents? Do you get along? Does having them make your childlessness more difficult? Let’s talk about it.
Childless by Marriage 
My husband didn't want any more children. I used the line on him, “You don't want to be bothered with an more kids, I don't want to be bothered by your kid.” Any time his daughter [who is a lot of trouble] acts up [even at 29 years old], I pull out my line, and that usually pulls him to his senses with her. I often wish if I couldn't have had children that I could have at least had a decent [decent being the key word] stepdaughter. She has been a nightmare [drugs, etc.]
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I'm so sorry, Doubleme. Stepparenting is not easy, and it's a very lucky family where everyone gets along. I wish you peace.
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I can't thank you enough for this post. I am a childless stepmum, my husband had a vasectomy after having two children with his ex and just before they broke up. We tried for a reversal, but it wasn't successful.I am almost 39, and every day without a child of our own is a painful and lonely journey. I am lucky in that my stepchildren are lovely. they accept me and I get on well with them, but at the end of the day, I am just the wife of their father. I will never be equal to their parents and every weekend that they are here I have to see everything that I want but know that I can no longer hope for.Struggling to come to terms with life without a child is so much harder when stepchildren are involved. There is the fact that your partner already has children and doesn't share the desperate need or disappointment that you do. There is also the terrible sadness that sharing in their wonderful experiences brings. The fact that they love me but don't need me, I will never be called on when they are sick or afraid, they will never make me anything at school, I can see them rehearse but I will never see a school play, I can help them with their homework but I will never meet their teacher… the list is endless. The special and beautiful bond is the one that they have with their mum and dad.It is an impossible task for a biological parent to see a situation or to understand an issue without feeling protective of their children. I understand this, but I long for a conversation with my husband about what infertility means to me and our future that doesn't get translated into criticism of his children. It's such an emotional subject, but wanting a child of your own and feeling sad because I can't be as integral to his children's lives as I want to be isn't the same as rejecting them. I just want more.I am afraid of what it will be like when we get old and they have children of their own and that adds terrible sadness to thoughts of growing old and grey with my husband that really should be happy and wistful. The thought of it doesn't fill me with warm feelings. It makes me sad because my stepdaughter will experience pregnancy and being a mother, but I can't. I know that I will be a grandparent of sorts, but it just isn't the same, and this just isn't something that my husband can understand. He feels that I am cutting myself out and not that the experience really will be different for me than it will be for him.This isn't the dream that we grew up with. Having stepchildren doesn't sate the terrible burning and all-consuming hormones that the biological clock brings. It amplifies them. It's all terribly selfish stuff ,it hasn't been long since I found out that I can't have children and that my stepchildren are all that I can hope for. I want more from them and our relationship than I can have or that they can give me. Maybe it will get easier in 10 or 20 years time. At the moment, it is heartbreaking and bleak – for both my husband and myself. He wants me to be happy and love the experience and joy that his children bring us every day. I can't do this though, I'm not sure what future I have anymore, and it is hard to enjoy the present when it is such a reminder of what I want, and the primary reason why we'll never share the experience ourselves is due to the decisions that he made with his ex.It all boils down to utter complicated confusion. I wish that I was the infertile one and then I could see his children as such an added bonus. Life in stepfamilies never seems to be simple but this one is an absolute doozy.
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Oh Anonymous, I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now. I just wrote today's post before I read your comment. You say many of the things I have said. It is hard when your husband has kids and you don't. Mine had three from his first marriage, and he had a vasectomy. That biological connection is something we'll never have, and that just hurts. For you, the wound is fresh. I hope you can find peace in time and appreciate having his kids in your life. Thanks so much for sharing this.
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Anonymous, I'm in basically the same boat, but, as my husband has been married twice before, I became a step-grandparent this same year that I'm also somewhere between the bargaining and depression stages of grief and existential crisis I've been managing, while also the stepmother of his three teenagers from his second marriage. I think I've moved beyond most of the anger, most, not all. I haven't been included in his grandparenting experience thus far. I've been kind of detached and doing my own thing when his kids visit, joining in on a meal or an outing when I feel like it.
It was a real gift to read what you wrote this day, knowing that right now I'm not so different from an another woman right now. I've finally accepted that I should probably see a psychiatrist. I don't even want to talk about any of this stuff; but, you know it's hard, so if you haven't I suggest you reach out to a mental health professional. Take care of yourself. Don't be so miserable. My husband is just beginning to realize the support I need from him as I keep myself away from the verge of a nervous breakdown. A good husband can make all the difference. I'm hoping I can continue to count on him. Talk with your husband about what you need from him as your friend right now, setting the “why's” aside for the conversation. Try to reconnect with him to help you through your current angst.
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Anonymous #2, thank you for reaching out to help Anonymous #1. We need each other to get through this. And yes, sometimes we need professional help. It doesn't mean we're crazy; it means we just need someone impartial to talk to.
Hugs to you both.
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Hi everyone, I'm 32 years old and have been with my boyfriend for four years now. We live together, and he has a 6-year-old son from his ex-wife. My boyfriend is still not divorced over fears of a custody dispute. Right now, we share his son equally down the middle every day. When he and I first met, he wanted kids with me and romantaisized them with me. Now he doesn't talk about it, and if I do, he just stays silent. I asked him if he changed his mind, and he doesn't tell me straight. I want kids of my own and can't handle the uncertainty of not knowing what he really wants anymore. I don't mind his kid and love him regardless. But I hate that he has this bond with his kid and his ex wife that I will never have. I hate that I never can make discipline decisions, or decide if we should put him in soccer or karate, or go to his school functions or teachers’ meetings. I often feel like a housekeeper and babysitter for when its convenient to them. Sometimes it feels like my boyfriend and his wife are closer than he and I are because of their experience of having a child together. This makes me upset. Sometimes I wonder if this is what I really want and I answer “no.” I know I'm young, but it can take time to have a kid. It’s straining our relationship right now because my boyfriend often goes to sleep with his son in his bed because he says he misses him too much. I know I shouldn't be jealous, but I am. I feel like I'm being jipped of my own happiness and a chance that he and I could have a happier and more fulfilling life together if he would just consider having another child with me. I love him, but I feel betrayed that he promised something and now is backing out on something this important to me. He's had his kid, and that's all that matters. I put everything into his relationship with his son and have raised him for four years. At this point I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to run out of time. Help?
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Anon, I'm tempted to tell you to find another boyfriend, one who will be willing to have a child with you and put you on at least an equal footing with his children. But only you can decide that. Would your life be better with him and his son or without them?
Readers, what do you advise?
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Dear 32 yr old anon,Your home needs better boundaries. Would your boyfriend be happy if both of you were his son's biological parents and you chose to sleep with your son? And, he needs to complete the divorce posthaste and stop putting his son, his future ex-wife, and you in limbo. Regardless of all your other issues, the stringing you along while not proceeding with his divorce is a deal breaker – relationships have enough issues without legally being committed to someone else. It's disrespectful. Please find the courage to set this boundary and leave him six months from now if the divorce hasn't progressed to the finality of “in writing” legal negotiations. You could also tell him he's responsible for birth control, stuck in a rubber, until he's fully committed to you, and allow him to be reminded of and feel the weight of the consequences of reproduction.
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I had the same problem with my husband. It took him years to get a divorce. I finally couldn't take anymore and we broke up. He wanted to get back together six months later and I said NO till he got divorced. Only then did he get the the divorce.
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Thank you both for responding. To answer your question, Sue, I don't think I can live without either of them. I do love them too much. All I want is a little respect and equality. I was in a marriage before, and we both met while he and I were separated. We both agreed to divorce. I did mine, but he didn't. His theory is that she should file the divorce so that it doesn't look bad on him in case she asks for custody. But year after year, she doesn't do it, creating excuse after excuse. She's a school teacher and has lots of time in the summer to get any legal paperwork going, yet somehow she doesn't. I can’t tell if she wants him back or what else is up with her inaction. She knows I'm his girlfriend and that we have a home together. Maybe something is up her sleeve?
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I think the worries about custody battles and child support payments stop a lot of people, mostly men, from starting the divorce process. But it isn't fair to us if they don't.
Anon, I don't know about letting the ex have all the power in what happens to your whole family. I hope something changes soon.
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It's difficult because I don't want to force him or give him the ultimatum. I do honestly believe that he is stressed because of his custody situation. I don't want to put more stress on him. He tells me he loves me and that he is committed to me, and maybe I should just accept it as is. I don't want to lose him.
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It's good that you know that. Love him all you can, but make sure he knows what you need, too.
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Thank you for listening and giving me some perspective. It has really been helpful to bounce this off other people who don't know me and are objective. I will have a heart-to-heart with him when things are calmer for him. Maybe he needs to remember all the reasons he wanted me in the first place. Thanks again, I'll keep you posted on the developments!
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I am in a similar situation. My first marriage didn't produce children. I divorced him after learning of his infidelity. I married when I was 30 and divorced three years later. I married again at 40 after a two-year courtship.My husband has two wonderful children from his first marriage. He had a vasectomy following his divorce and many years before we even met. He is an amazing husband and he was upfront about not wanting more children. I made the decision to marry him rather than risk losing him for a “maybe.” (Maybe I'll find someone else, maybe he will want children, maybe I will get pregnant despite being over 40.) I have a good life, but every now and then I feel like an outsider. The children understandably seek and prefer their parents. They don't call me unless they need something. My husband sweetly acknowledges me on Mother's Day, but it's not the same. I would NEVER say it to him, but not having kids with me feels like he's announcing that there was only one woman on the planet that he wanted to have kids with. I know that's not true, but it still hurts. It also hurts knowing that as much as I do for his children, they probably still view me as just their Dad's wife. I don't have anyone to talk to about my feelings so it's nice to express them within this blog.
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Anonymous, I can identify with 100 percent of what you say. Bet I'm not the only one. I too kept my second husband who didn't want any more kids rather than take a chance on a “maybe.” Besides, he was the best husband a girl could want. But stepchildren are rarely the same as your own, and sometimes it hurts that you were not the one he had kids with. One thing to consider, at least for my husband, is that he was older when we got married and past the parenting stage. Thanks for sharing this.
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Thank you for responding and acknowledging my feelings. My husband is nearly nine years older than me. I understand his position. If I was approaching 50 with two teenagers, I wouldn't want to start over either.I often feel conflicted because there are times when I am happy about being childfree. Then there are days when I feel grief and an overwhelming sense that I am all alone. Sure, I'm a part of my parents’ family, but I don't have a family of my own (if that makes any sense).Again, thank you so much for listening and responding. It means a lot to me.
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You're welcome, Anon. I feel exactly the same way.
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Hi, Thank you so much for writing this article. Anon #1 – You put into words feelings that I have been struggling to voice for so long. I am 35 and have two young stepchildren. My partner was initially open to the possibility of a new baby but has since changed his mind. It hurts me every day for the same reasons you expressed. I feel that I’m running out of time and have to bear the weight of this stress alone – probably why I've been awake since 4 a.m.! I love my partner and step children and im scared to say that its just not enough. I feel there is no exchange – I have invested in his children, but he wont reciprocate the 'investment'. I don’t feel as though I’m part of a family like this.
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Anon, Thanks for sharing this. You're right. For most of us, stepchildren are just not the same as having your own.
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I am 41 and childless by choice, I like kids but have never felt bloody or wanted my own. I got sterilised as I was sure of my feelings and I do not regret my choices at all. Now I am in a relationship with a lovely man but he has a 10-year-old daughter whom he sees every other weekend and I am finding it really hard to adjust. She has really taken to me, which should make life easier, but she's like my shadow, following me everywhere and it's doing my head in! I just don't know how to fit in with child-inclusive weekends when all I want after a hard week of work is to kick back and relax and make the most of those two precious days. I expect to be called a selfish bitch etc!!!
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Well, Anonymous, you feel what you feel, and that doesn't necessarily make you a bitch. Btw, I'm assuming you mean “broody” or something like that in your first sentence, not “bloody.”
Stepchildren are challenging. I had my own experiences with them, some good, some not so much, but they definitely cut into your free time. Mostly my husband minded that more than I did.
You're lucky that your stepdaughter likes you. Maybe you could arrange for your husband to take her away some weekends so you can have your days off?
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Ha ha yes, it should've said broody, damn spellchecker lol! Thanks for your comment, we've had a long chat and agreed that on one of the day's each child weekend they'll have a day out together or I'll have a day out, then we'll all spend the other day together. And he's going to talk to her about being so clingy with me and say he feels a bit left out when she wants to hold my hand not his etc. etc., so hopefully the pressure will ease off a bit. Thank you 🙂
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Anonymous, I'm glad it worked out so well. Sounds like your husband is totally willing to cooperate, so enjoy your days off and keep coming back.
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Hello, I am feeling exactly down to every word you said the same way. I am only 26, but instead of spending my time getting my own life straight I have taken on a stepparent role, and I really long to have my own and what it all represents. His hard-earned money goes to his ex, she doesn’t have to work. I do and I’m still poor and still pay to help raise this child that is not mine. My man's attitude is basically “deal with it or hit the road.” He is a great guy. We have a wonderful bond together, but I am depressed to the core. I don’t have the bio mother role and have to watch the other woman have it all while I’m just in the background having to just shut up and “deal with it.” I don’t know what to do or how to cope and I’m rock bottom inside, even though I try to just hide it because I have to to keep this man.
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Dear Ashley B,
Step-parenting sucks, doesn't it? Let's just be honest about it. Some people get lucky and have a great relationship with their steps, but for most it's a very uncomfortable situation, especially when you don't have your own kids.
I find your last sentence interesting. “I try to hide it because I have to keep this man.” No you don't have to. You could leave. But which would be worse, losing him or the situation you're in now? I pray you find the answer.
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I have been in a relationship for five years, for most of which I thought he wanted children with me also. The youngest stepchild was a baby, in a crib, in my room. There is a bond that grows–a sugar cookie smell–when they are babies and cry in the night for you to care for and love them. And the second oldest called me mommy straight away. I didn't dissuade it, because I never wanted to have a difference between my own kids and these beautiful, loving children. But, truth be told, they are not my kids. I can list 18,000 examples here of how externalities make that so. And he told me first, that he “would never take motherhood away from me.” Should have been a red flag.That was five years ago. Then he told me that motherhood would ruin my body. That was years 3-4. Then he said that kids were nothing but work. They are not good, only work (nice). Last year. Now the newest one, since we have reduced ourselves to hate apparently, is that I am not fit to be a mother of my own. But I looked after his kids for five years, paid all of the bills for almost two, did everything possible, and now everything has just disintegrated into nothing. I love these children and I love him despite the shitty, selfish behavior. I don't know what to do.
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Oh rats, Anonymous. What is his problem?
Well, I'm sure you know the choices. Leave him. Keep taking care of his children without having your own. Or find some way to insist on having your own babies. If the relationship is dead, there is no real choice, is there? I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
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Hello, my fiance had a vasectomy during his first marriage. We both have two children, however my children's father is deceased. I want to have a child with the man I will marry and hopefully live the rest of my natural life with. I've spoken about it, and it's been about nine years since his procedure. I just get really frustrated at times when I think about the fact that he gave his first wife children and because of a previous relationship, I just get to wonder what a child created by God and the two of us would be like.
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Anon, you are going to have to decide whether this is a deal-breaker. Do you love him enough to marry him even if you never have a child together?
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I do love him, and we have talked about this. We have concerns about how long ago the procedure was done. I'm generally okay. However, when his children visit, I can count on being in a funk all weekend. It makes it harder for me. Almost makes me feel like I'm cheating myself. Guess I'm on my own here. Thanks
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I can totally relate to your post. I, too, have spoken to a professional about how I feel. It is really hard. I love my guy. He is great . I am not sure I should marry if I have to marry them, too. I am financially independent and want to stay that way. I want to be able to travel and save for a house or retirement without guilt or having to worry about helping his kids for school, car or insurance. I make a decent living but I am far from rich. Maybe Dad should work two jobs and Mom should get a job. Why is this harder than I thought?
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You are not alone. I feel a little funky when his child comes every week, too. It is hard when you are used to doing your own thing and then a kid comes and takes everything over. Sometimes I am not in the mood or not feeling well. I am 38 and a homebody and feel forced to my room so I am not being a grouch. I feel like I have to be someone else just because there is a child around. Sometimes I miss my own place and privacy.
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Boy, Anonymouses, you expressed what I often felt when the stepkids came around. It sounds selfish, but it's so true, isn't it? It's just not easy. Thanks for your comments.
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All of this expresses my feelings so well.I am married to a great guy and just turned 35. We've been married for almost 5 years. He has 3 children from his first marriage (now 18, 16, and 14). He keeps saying that he wants to have kids with me, but there always seems to be something better to do with our money. He's clearly not nearly as desperate as I am–and why should he be? He has three already.Also, he and I are starting a business together, which is finally starting to pay off, but for the first four years of our marriage, I worked full-time at our business and part-time freelance writing/consulting to pay the bills while he just worked at the business (to be fair, he took on occasional freelance work, which was helpful, but he never committed himself to a regular 15-20 hour gig on top of our business the way that I did.)That means that, for four years, I've been paying most of our household bills, including child support for kids who aren't mine. To top it all off, his parents are incredibly wealthy and they spoil the kids to no end (clothes shopping trips twice a year, $300 at their birthdays. The two who are 16 or older each got a car on their 16th birthday, thousands of dollars worth of gifts, laptops, iPods, cameras, etc. at Christmas, a special 13th birthday trip, etc., etc., etc.) I feel like I just got stuck with all the financial worries of the household by default because I am the one who will worry while he's free to be the creative genius entrepreneur. He lives like a childless person and I scrimp and save like someone who has kids, even though I don't and I desperately want them. Then my stepkids walk in for the weekend wearing the newest everything and send me Christmas wish lists via Pinterest with (no joke) $800 dresses and $400 boots on there. It's maddening.Now, I should mention here that my husband is a creative genius, and I'm pretty good at what I do, and I think our business is going to pay off in a big way in the next year. I should also say that my husband is incredibly grateful and thanks me constantly for all that I do, the influence that I have in his kids’ life, for keeping “US” afloat while we try to build this career.I'm wondering though, when our business is successful, will I finally get to start a family of my own? I'm also wondering if I'll want to. I'm not nearly as materialistic as my husband and his kids, I don't like the way his kids are turning out. I'm worried that, by the time we get to that point, I'll be so exhausted and resentful from slaving away and putting my life on hold to pay child support for kids who wear $200 shoes that I won't be able to be happy in this marriage / family anymore. I also recently thought about the becoming a step-grandparent thing. The 18-year-old is a nightmare with a serious boyfriend. If she turns up pregnant before I have a baby, I may just walk out the front door and never look back.
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Anonymous, It's a challenging time, isn't it? But I read between the lines that you love your husband and you're fully invested in your work together. Stepkids are challenging and expensive. I think step-grandparenting is kind of fun. Wait till the little ones arrive and call you “Grandma.” My advice is to be open and honest with everyone. Those kids are plenty old enough for you to tell them you're sorry but you can't afford the kind of expensive things they get from their grandparents. And be honest with your husband if you feel like you're carrying too much of the financial load. Talk to his parents, too, about how they're overdoing it. Give them what you want to give them for Christmas. Don't fall prey to their Pinterest-communicated demands. I wish you all the best.
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I feel guilty all the time because I'm not sure, no matter how much I love my boyfriend, if I'm willing to give up all my “first experiences.” We share custody with his ex-wife. His children are young, and I've known them since before the divorce, so I love them very much and they love me, but as time goes on, I'm feeling this strong depression coming on. I always think to myself: is this it? I'll never be a bio “mom” I'll never have a child of my own, my parents won't have grandchildren, I'll never have bio grandchildren either, Mother's Day is not for me. I have to hear all the time, my kids come first, I'll do whatever I have to for them, you'll never understand you don't have kids. Really? So I have all the responsibility of raising your kids, (financially and emotionally) but I can't love them like my own, because they're not my own? I love love love my boyfriend. He is great, and I can't see myself without him or the kids, but this pain deep inside is pushing me away when we fight or I hear the words “they're not your kid.s you don't understand.” Honestly, I just think about walking away. Sometimes I just want to be selfish. I want a wedding, a marriage, a family, I want to experience all the “firsts” that come with being with someone who hasn't “been there done that.” I don't know maybe I'm just afraid of commitment, or maybe it’s my subconscious telling me, no matter how much you love him and the kids, it’s not going to be enough to keep me happy forever. I don't want to resent him or the children five years from now because I gave up all my firsts for them. Did anyone feel the same way or anything like that before they committed completely to being the stepmom? My selfishness is eating away at me.
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Anonymous, I'm sorry it's turning out this way. To be honest, I had the same feelings, but I didn't really think about this stuff until after we were married. I knew about his kids, of course, and I was ready to be a second mom to them, but I had also wanted my own kids. This is a decision only you can make for yourself. I wish you all the best.
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I've been with my boyfriend (who has full custody of his two kids) for 18 months. Most nights, I tuck the kids into bed. I go out and buy them toothpaste if they run out, help with school projects and homework. I do laundry and dishes. I took his daughter out do do her Christmas shopping. I pick up groceries, etc.I don't live with them, however. This is partially because the only time their bio mom sees them is if she stays with them from the time. I don't know if I'll ever be able to move in. The kids (ages 10 and 8) like to sleep in their dad's bed, and if they get to see their mom, it's because she comes by. She's really uncomfortable with me being there, so I can't be there if she is except for important things like birthday parties.Yesterday, he told me that it was ridiculous that I got them each $50 in Christmas presents because “they're not your kids.” It's been echoing in my head ever since. I know he doesn't want more kids, and I thought I was okay with that. I have friends who are stepparents who do all the parent things and call the kids theirs, etc., despite not having the legal privileges of parenthood. I imagined myself in that position and thought it wouldn't be so bad to not push kids out of my womb.However, if my partner wants me to stay at arm’s length with his kids while not having my own, I don't know if I can do it, which sucks because I love all of them so much.Glad to have a place to vent this.
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Anon Dec. 23, How frustrating! Maybe in the new year, you need to consider what kind of relationship you have with this guy, whether he takes you seriously enough to really include you in his life. I hope you can work it out.
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My husband decided he didn't want children again, but I'm still on the fence. It's been difficult deciding whether I want to force it or not, but I don't know if I can go through life always being the step-mom that no one cares about. To make matters worse, my stepchildren have been complete brats to me. They never considered me to be a stepmother, just some woman their father married. I've been with my husband for eight years, so I find it difficult that kids now in their 20's can't have an ounce of respect when it comes to having a stepparent. I come from a separated family too, so I know what it feels like, but I have plenty of respect for my stepfather and never once left him out of anything important. It gets frustrating knowing that I'll always be an outsider when it comes to his kids; but the way they have treated me throughout the years just makes it worse. To those of you who have not married into a stepfamily yet, step back and take a good look at how the children are treating you now, because that's not going to change. Good luck to all of you who are having to fight for your right to have a family.
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My husband has a 14-year-old child from a previous relationship. I am 38 and he is 45 now. We have been trying to get pregnant for nearly six years now. He is infertile though he has this child :(. It is devastating for me when his child is over as it reminds me of what he can't give to me. I know he isn't infertile on purpose, but I can't help but blame him for my sadness – though I never tell him that as it would not be fair to him. We tried 3 icsi's, but they were all negative. I just don't know what to do, and it feels like my love for him is fading, as he is the cause of my dreams flushed away. I will never be a mother because of him and have to see how happy he is with his child. It breaks my heart . 😦
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😦
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Anonymous, I'm so sorry. I hope you can find a way to accept his situation. I'm guessing adoption is not an option, but it might be worth discussing. Good luck to you.
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Reading all these, I don't feel alone. I am 35, stepmom of two kids that my husband had in a previous marriage. When we first got married, we fought for custody of them but were unsuccessful twice. Later, the son came to live with us, but the sister didn't. One year after he came to live with us, we went on a huge family vacation. After the vacation, the daughter decided to move in with us also. Needless to say, that's when life got rough. I never dreamed of having them full-time. I always thought I would just have them and share that responsibility, but we had them every day every week every year. The only thing I would change is how we approached it after we got custody of them. I think we tried to fulfill dreams that were never even given a chance when they lived with their mom, but then we tried to pull the reins back. It was a disaster. They both were involved with drinking and drugs. They both can't tell the truth to save their lives, and for some reason their world that they live in is not anything like what we saw. We've tried to have a child, were unsuccessful, spent thousands of dollars, and sometimes I wonder if they would have turned out different if we had them from the beginning
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Anonymous,
Nobody knows what it's like until they're in it, and every family is different. Thank you for sharing this. I hope you can find peace and success with these stepchildren.
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I also am going through this same scenario and have been in search of those that can relate. I have been divorced and didn't get to have children. Then almost married and he decided he didn't want more children either. My heart was broken. I have dated and dated in hopes of meeting someone that could share in my want for children. Every man I have met has had a vasectomy. So I have tried to make it a rule not to date them and hope for someone who doesn't. But now I broke my rule and have been dating a guy with two kids and a vasectomy. I am going on 40 and fighting an internal battle of what to do. His kids are struggling a bit with a new life. I’m his first girlfriend. So on top of my grief of not having children they often bring up their mother, which reminds me I won't be theirs or have my own. He is willing to reverse, but it is so expensive and I just think if it has been this hard for me to have children then it must not be for me. Not to mention for four years I was with a man who said the same thing and his daughter got older as the years passed and then he changed his mind. So it scares me. I feel like what I want is a burden. Learning to raise two kids on his own is stressful enough, but to add one more seems it would make it worse. I'm at a tough place now. I have what I thought I wanted right in front of me and now my life goals have changed. I don't want disappointment anymore and am choosing to let motherhood go. People try to tell me that it is so hard anyway. But I know I’m missing out, and having his children as a reminder hurts me. It also hurts me to see them miss their mom. I wish I had the answers. I have been patient for God to show me the way. I don’t want to hurt him and I know being alone will be hard again, but I think I have to. He deserves more and someone who understands his situation. Heavy heart
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Hello all,I'm at a crossroads and confused on what to do.I am the biological mother of a beautiful daughter and am lucky enough to have found a wonderful loving man who has accepted us and loves us both, but he has recently started to make comments along the lines of “you'll never understand how this feels” and “this is difficult to handle at times” and he is correct I probably never will.Unfortunately there is another side to all of this, it is so extremely difficult as a mother to look at him and ask for anything for her that I currently cannot provide as I am going to school full-time and he is the primary breadwinner (her father has taken off and always manages to disappear when confronted about child support).I am so afraid I am asking too much of my future husband, and that a lot of our problems are stemming from this issue. Is there any way to know if I am unconsciously destroying us? I'm afraid he wouldn't be completely honest due to the fact that he does love us. I'm afraid it's too much pressure for him. Any input would be great.
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Anonymous,
I have not been in your position. I was on the other side, married to someone who had children. Certainly it's difficult to deal with someone else's kids, but I never once considered leaving him or resented him because of the kids. I was mostly grateful that he gave me this experience of parenting. I think you need to let your future husband decide what he can handle and not take so much on yourself. He loves you. Your daughter is part of the package.
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