Some posts just go on and on. Back on Oct. 23, 2021, I posted “Stepchildren Add Stress to Childless Marriages.” Clearly that was an understatement because the comments flooded in, and they keep coming. The one I received last week from “The Struggle is Real,” in response to a Jan. 10, 2017 comment by Struggling Stepmom, was so passionate, I decided to feature it this week. The comment has been edited for length.
To StrugglingStepmom,
This response may only come in four years too late and so I don’t know what situation you are in now, but I am in your situation right now (more or less) . . . and it is pretty painful.
I have been in a seven-year relationship with my partner, and he has two daughters from his previous marriage. The children live with their mother but come to our home every second weekend and during school holidays. His ex has disliked me from the start and has always called me names. I thought that would fade over time, but it hasn’t. I never knew why she hated me. I met my partner about a year after they broke up. Her hatred towards me continues, and she has always tried to influence the kids by saying things like, “Your father prefers his girlfriend over you.”
Lately the youngest daughter, a teenager, is going through a rebellious phase. She acts rudely towards her father and me. I once disciplined her, and it did not go down well (I never laid hands on her, I just lost my patience and started raising my voice and putting her stuff that was thrown all around the floor into the bin because she wouldn’t clean up her room). In hindsight, I probably should have left this task to my partner, as she is not my child. But my partner is so relaxed and he always takes the backseat in this whole parenting game. He is not great at communicating (like most men), and he always just ends up telling her off and yelling at her instead of trying to explain things to her. It’s like he almost doesn’t know when to explain and talk to the child calmly and when to get angry and set boundaries. This really frustrates me at times.
I have set some house rules for when they are here, but they continually try to test our boundaries and break these rules. Because the whole disciplining thing did not go down well that other time, I have tried to get my partner to be more proactive at disciplining them. The kids of course still don’t like it, and they test their father all the time. I think they feel that their father would be more chilled and relaxed if I wasn’t in the picture.
Their father is really busy at work, and given COVID, I have been working from home. He is more than happy to leave the children under my care when he is at work. I feel that if I’m in charge of them, then perhaps I should be entitled to disciplining them to a degree. After all, if they act rude or say rude things to me, and all I can do is shut my mouth and wait until my partner comes home, then they have even less respect for me. They see that I can’t even fight my own battles. That is the logic that I thought of, anyway.
Because of what happened when I tried to discipline her, his daughter hates me. She tries to ignore me when she’s here. She only talks to me when she wants something. She’s not interested in having conversations or chitchats and she seems to always be in a bad mood (maybe she’s going through puberty as well. Not sure). She also doesn’t talk to her dad as much and resists hugs and kisses from him.
I have never overstepped the boundaries or treated her in a rude and selfish manner. I organize everything, from Father’s Day to the children’s birthdays to Christmas. But like a lot of people here have said, they just don’t appreciate it and they don’t see you as someone that they want in their lives. A lot of things go by without thank you’s, and I certainly would never get a happy Mother’s Day card.
My partner and I are now engaged, and we are planning our wedding. However, deep in my heart I have doubts about the future. I feel that his daughters are forever trying to tear us apart, and that all they ever want is to have their father all to themselves and for me to be out of the picture. This is of course supported by their mother, who hates me beyond anything and therefore encourages them to behave even worse. I feel really disheartened and afraid of what’s next. I also worry about whether I should marry a man when his children do not like me. I feel incomplete, and I feel like I should only marry him if his children and I get along beautifully, but that is probably never ever going to happen. I love my partner to bits, but I don’t want a dysfunctional family where everyone pretends everything is great on the surface but hates each other deep down. As I’m planning the wedding, these questions and concerns are becoming more concrete in my head. I always thought I’d stay with him in the long haul, with or without the marriage. But now it is becoming a real concern. Maybe I am just channeling my bridezilla? I don’t really know anymore. What do I do? Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.
Well readers, what do you say? Things might get better as the kids get older, but they might not? I welcome your comments.
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Guess what? The Kindle version of Love or Children: When You Can’t Have Both will be on sale for only 99 cents next week. Visit the Childless by Marriage Facebook page after March 6 for details.
Childless by Marriage 
Run! Unless you love a life of constantly defending yourself with your husband and stepkids. Unless you love a life of being made to feel rejected and hated. Oh if I could go back in time! I would never have married. I’ve never in my life been so humiliated and trampled upon. This is the life you are willingly exposing yourself to. All my good intentions amount to nothing to them. They don’t see them.
Love yourself enough to step back and cancel the wedding! You are worth it!
Read “The Smart Stepmom” and “Between Two Worlds” for in depth analysis of what you are exposing yourself to.
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Short answer:
No, you should definitely not marry him.
Long answer:
It sounds like you are doing the bulk of the emotional (and physical!) labor in this situation and that is not fair or right at all. You ARE allowed to discipline children in your own home. It is your home. You are the adult who sets the behavioral expectations. If your partner is “relaxed” and always “takes the backseat in this whole parenting game,” then you can count on that dynamic never changing. Where is he when you are being treated poorly? What does he say or do? They are his kids; he definitely gets to parent them. If he doesn’t know how, parenting classes are often available through community organizations. There should be reasonable, logical consequences for behavioral infractions. (Can you tell I’m a former teacher? Lol.)
Just stop. Stop doing everything. It’s not being appreciated and it’s hurting you. Stop organizing holidays and birthdays. Stop trying to have a relationship with ungrateful girls who only care about hurting you. Stop trying to parent these teens when the parents aren’t even doing that. Trust me, it’s a losing battle.
I had doubts about some important issues leading up to my wedding. I ignored my intuition. I am now divorced.
I know it’s hard because you are probably in love with him, but you have to be practical too. Love is not all you need. You need an equal partner who will support you, especially when it comes to his children. Please think long and hard about if this is how you want to live the rest of your life because I don’t think anything will ever change. You are NOT a bridezilla. It sounds like you are starting to be really honest with yourself. It’s okay if you don’t want to be abused by his children. It’s okay to love him AND walk away.
It sounds like you have a lot of love to give. I recommend giving your love to people who reciprocate.
Wishing you lots and lots of strength, clarity, and healing! ❤
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P.S. I could not have written my comment even a year ago. I have grown and changed so much. Growth is so painful, but it’s better than staying stuck. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to express myself. It really helped me too. ❤
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Excellent comments, friends, Keep them coming.
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I am sorry to hear about your situation. Mine is very close to yours and I chose to marry. It has been over 13 years, and have been together for 18. After many battles, hurtful behavior and selfish actions, I am divorcing. It has not improved and his children/daughters just don’t care how hurtful they are.
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I’m so sorry.
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I am engaged to marry into the same story and came across this article when searching for answers.
I love my partner to the moon and back, but his daughters and their mother make life a bumpy road. I’ve given them my all when we’d spend time together, spending all day absorbed in their interests with them. I am a calm and peaceful mother to two boys and have boundless patience.
One visit a few months ago changed everything. The oldest was tormenting our dog, playfully, but too rough and the dog started to panic. I asked her to stop calmly several times before the couch flipped over, her screaming and the dog with terror in her eyes. I yelled at her. I said “For Gods sake, will you STOP!” That’s it.
Total meltdowns from both his kids, they alienated me, they said abusive things to him, and they’ve spent the past 6 vengeful months destroying his life and their relationship with him/us.
Last night his youngest made contact with my oldest son and texted him awful messages about how her dad is abusive and not to let me marry him. It’s all a lie, but she’s spilling her poison into my family.
Same as you, now that we are planning a wedding, I wonder why I would want to be chained to this cycle?
When the girls are distant we have the most beautiful relationship, but when they circle back their antics often send him into periods of pain and despair. And most importantly, I don’t want my own children to have these unhealthy step-siblings in their lives.
Writing this has helped me gain some clarity, and I hope everything worked out for you. Thank you to all the other commenters, it’s been a very valuable read for me.
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WOWWW… just wow is all I have to say. I am so sorry you have had to go through this… I am not sure if I have read comments (that I have been searching for!) even remotely related to my own situation as this was. And ALL of the above comments do too. THANK YOU Afor your comments. It is truly a real issue for many of us.
I literally thought I was alone.
But if I am going to be honest, my situation (may even) be worse. If that’s possible!
I have been with my guy for 11 1/2 years. He is a widower, he lost his wife to breast cancer 15+ years ago. She left 5 kids behind. The youngest 1 1/2, now almost 17. Seems sooo sad, believe me, yes. I felt the same way. I still do in spite of how I have been treated. I am a giver, lover, momma (I have 1 son, 30, and that is his ‘name’ for me) but to be perfectly honest, this has been the hardest, most challenging, most THANKLESS and ultimately loneliest 11+ years of my life.
(I feel like there is just SOOOO MUCH, I am not even sure where to begin!)
In a nutshell, from the beginning, I realized that the kids were fairly spoiled right out if the gate. Mostly the two youngest daughters as they were always referred to as “the little girls” bc they had 3 older siblings and there is about a 7 year span between the 3rd child and the 4th. And 4 years between the two “little girls”, now one is almost 21 and the ‘baby’ is almost 17. They were 10 and 6 when I entered the picture.
The oldest daughter, now 28, hated me from the beginning. For no good reason but made it clear to her siblings and all the relatives. I never ever tried to fill the role as their mother, ever. If anything, I tried to keep her spirit alive for a long time…
Anyhow, these kids had a nanny, (2 nannies, actually!) 2 grandmothers and many aunts that looked after them after they lost their mom.
Basically, because most were family and everyone felt bad about the situation, of course you can only imagine how spoiled they were (again, especially the two youngest girls). People, it was OFF THE HOOK kind of spoiled. Hunter Boots in 2nd grade kind of spoiled. The 5th grader and 2nd grader would make their generous (beginning stage dementia) grandma take them to the high end shopping mall, not the normal mall near our homes.
Somehow I had this nutso idea that ‘gosh, they really need a woman in their life’ obviously before I truly learned just how many woman were in their life! 😳
Anyhow, the back stabbing, ‘sibling texts’/conversations began shortly after I was part of the ‘family’. (I had ppl in our community warn me this was happening as I actually have ppl in our community that like me and felt a need to protect me.)
Nonetheless, only a few months after we began dating, my best friend, my mother, passed away. Then 2 short years later, my oldest brother, again, a BF, drowned in a tragic accident; he was the Fire Chief for the city on which we were raised. Anyhow, I literally lost some ground and where I was otherwise thinking of leaving this man, Family, I not only stayed, we decided to move in together which scared me to death. (I think he sensed my doubt and issues and wanted to show me his commitment and really became more attentive)
It has been 6 years now that we have lived together. I was so worried from the beginning that I would never feel like family and I was used to my own privacy, etc. Well, basically I still do not feel like genuinely like ‘family.’ They ultimately only reach out to me and or really talk to me when they need something, want something, etc. It has become predictable. However, since living in the house together, I refuse to do the enormous loads of laundry they would have had for their former nanny, so I taught them to do their own laundry, and to clean their own bathroom. Otherwise, those two tasks alone would be my full-time job. Anyhow, they were very resentful at first but now they at least do that. (I was raised old-school without everything being handed to me, actually helped out my mother, family) and these kids pretty much know everything handed to them, including their college education, and now that their grandmother had passed away on their mother’s side, they are all inheriting large sums of money that their mother would have otherwise inherited, so the entitled kids are now becoming incredibly wealthy without having to lift a finger. I have a son, he still has college debt and I have a parent plus loan for him that I have to pay back while I’m with these kids that will owe nothing and any ‘working’ they do, still basically goes in their accounts bc dad pays for everything! Sometimes it’s really hard not to feel resentful. Yes, he does pay for my car because I use my car to basically take care of needs for the house, family, and take his father to all of his appointments, etc. etc. so he pays for the car, but that is about it.
The youngest daughter is in travel softball, which costs an enormous amount of money. I used to go a ton, all summer long, going to softball tournaments in surrounding states, but three years ago, at the advice of a counselor, I realized I did not have to go to all of these events. My entire summers were completely monopolize by (softball), and I wasn’t even seeing my own son and family for that matter. Every single holiday is spent with their family, their mother’s side of the family, and my guy’s family, sometimes. I have not seen my own family, my siblings, or my nieces and nephews on a holiday in 11 years. (Every once in a while, one of my nephews will come out and stop by on Christmas Eve, God love him, but that is it.) I have put on holidays for his family, big Thanksgiving, dinners, and when his kids are there, not one of them, lifts a finger to help. They will make an easy pie that is their mom’s recipe, I appreciate that, but THAT is it. Even the oldest daughter. She just sits around and lets me do all the work, and then lets her aunt and uncles help clean up all the dishes. Doesn’t lift a hand. And she thinks she is the best influence on those younger sisters. Uggggg. It makes me ill actually. If she said jump off a bridge because it is the right thing to do, her younger sisters would do it. Maybe a little over-exaggerated but basically the truth.
Much like the previous comment(s), my guy is not much of a disciplinarian…wants to keep peace and his favorite line for 11 years has been “we’ll figure it out”. Man do I hate that comment now! Lol
Anyhow, fast forward, most of the extended family (the aunts, etc) have been much better towards me as they have seen all that I’ve done all these years, that I took care of my guy’s mom who had dementia and passed in 2019 (I was her ‘Person’!) and now care for his ‘miserable’, narcissistic father (I swore I would never care for him because of how he treated his wife, but no one even likes to visit him…but I am his main caregiver now. Kind of crazy how it all ends up). Anyhow, the extended family sees all that I do and have done for years. But his daughters… not so much. Unless you are doing something for THEM, they will never realize, care or appreciate all that I have done for their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, THEM, etc. All these years. It is thankless, I get it!
But fast forward even further to right now. I feel it is basically the same. His two youngest are still entitled, self-centered, judgmental and spoiled and I still am not one of ‘them’. (Again, I grew up old school with a depression-era father and amazingly kind, generous of heart mother. We were neither spoiled or wasteful. I am friendly, caring out in the world, and they are snobbish. A counselor once told me that they view kindness as a weakness. Wow, how sad is that??! They are haughty, both of them.
I have tried beyond the call of duty to be a good example to these girls and this family (the older 3 kids are on their own and I do not so much have an issue with the boys, the oldest totally gets me and his wife says he even struggles with the entitlement of the youngest two.) The oldest daughter is now pregnant and it is a girl and she will name her after her late mother. That is sweet and a beautiful thing; I completely expected that. The one time she did call me, a few months ago, was she asked if I would throw her baby shower. She lives now across country. I was sorta honored but also realized I could be setting myself up for more drama among the family if it wasn’t perfect. (Plus, she knew her dad has $ and would pay, she wouldn’t expect her aunts to pay. Anyhow, when she came to town for the shower, I had heard that she expressed she was nervous how the decorations would be, flowers, etc. As it turned out, after sleepless nights on Pinterest and Amazon, it turned out not only aesthetically, beautiful, so many compliments and people asking advice, but the food was fantastic, gluten-free desserts, just for her, etc. etc. She said thank you but really had not heard anything once she left back home. Then recently, I find out from her dad, fed, she may or may not have thought she had gestational diabetes, and they were testing for that, of course, no one told me. I actually had a child, and during the pregnancy had to do the six-hour glucose testing myself, and may have been able to offer her some comfort or advice. But no one reaches out to me for the important things.. is that
My guy wants to get married. I am the one with pause. I have reservations BECAUSE of the daughters. They will only get older and more strong willed, a stronger ‘say’and if something happened to my man, even years from now, I don’t think they’d want to still be in my life. I can see some big court battle that they would want all of their dad’s money, no matter how long I have been with him and no matter how iron clad his ‘Will’ may be written. I have learned that being on ‘this side of the tracks’ is no better or happier than my humble, ‘other’ side of the tracks. Money makes people weird… entitled. Breeds greed. I sometimes miss my super simple, humble way of life. It is scary to think of starting all over in my mid 50’s. Super Scary. Especially when he wants to retire soon.
There is still a lot of grey area, unanswered questions in spite of he saying he loves me. I do love him as a person, but this is the hardest, most difficult kind of ‘love’ I have yet experienced in my life.
Just pray that answers will come clearly…and soon. And I will pray for all of you too!
God Bless!
Confused in MI
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