The other day, looking at Facebook videos, I came across a bit from an old sitcom where the husband and wife walk in with their newly adopted son. The family weeps with joy. Finally their dreams have come true.
Then the new mother quotes the old line about how sometimes after people adopt, they get pregnant with a baby of their own. Well, guess what?
“You’re not?”
She nods, tears streaming down her face. “I am.”
More crying, more hugs, more joy. End of scene.
I’m sobbing. Again. My afternoon is trashed. After all these years. My husband will never look at me that way. My parents will never be overjoyed to become grandparents to my kids. I will never be able to appoint a friend or sibling as godmother. I will never hold my own baby in my arms. (And yes, I will not have to wake up five times a night when she’s crying.)
I’m not telling you this so you can feel sorry for me. I watched a movie, ate dinner, and got over it until the next time. This is not about me. I want you to consider how you react.
The tears I shed every time someone has a baby on TV or in real life are not planned. They are a visceral reaction that shows me how important it was and is to me that I never had children. It’s a loss, just like the people in my life who have died. I can say anything I want: Oh, I never had time for them anyway, my man was worth the sacrifice, my life is good, I’ve got my dog, kids can break your heart . . . . I can tell myself and everyone else that it’s cool, I’m okay with it. My sudden tears on an otherwise happy Sunday afternoon tell a different story. It’s worth paying attention.
Some of you are still trying to decide whether to stay with a partner who is unable or unwilling to have children with you. Now, when you can still do something about it, is the time to pay attention not just to the words, but to your gut. All the pros and cons in the world will not give you the true answer. No one else can figure this out for you.
When someone announces a pregnancy or shows off their baby, how do you feel? Are you sad for the rest of the day? Or angry, banging doors and pots and growling at the people around you? Can you calmly say, “Congratulations” and go on with your day unscathed?
There’s your answer.
If you need to change your situation, change it. Or at least reconsider while you have time: Can I give up children to spend the rest of my life with this person? If the answer is no, fight for what you need, whether it’s adoption, fertility treatments, or a different partner. Or get used to weeping over TV babies.
That’s my tough-love advice.
I welcome your comments, even if you want to yell at me.
Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com
Childless by Marriage 
I just wish that tv shows and movies would leave room for representation of those of us who didn’t get a happy ending. It’s so frustrating when I think a show will finally have a couple that doesn’t get to adopt or doesn’t miraculously get pregnant after years of heartache, only for a miracle to happen.
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I know, and they make it look so easy to get a baby.
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That’s really frustrating. Maybe if there was any kind of representation it would be easier. It’s as if there’s no other way to be happy. The Big Bang Theory especially made me really mad. They devoted 2 or 3 episodes to the fact than Penny didn’t want to have babies and Leonard did, and how he was still going to be with her nonetheless, only to have a last minute pregnancy and Penny totally happy as if she had always wanted babies. It was one of my favourite shows and that totally ruined it for me. It would have been important to me a representation of a happy Leonard in a childless by marriage situation.
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I totally agree. They should have let Penny and Leonard stick to the way it was.
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Yes, yes, and yes ! I am way past menopause and it is still a very sensitive issue for me. I didn’t realize while in my 40’s how much this loss would impact me as an older woman. Now in my 70’s the loss is compounded by also not having any grandchildren to love. Though I no longer cry in restaurants when faced with the cooing baby & adoring parents sitting near by, there are so many constant sad reminders. I am college educated and had a great career. Money is not a problem. I have traveled extensively. I have much to be grateful for. Still the loss of being a parent and loving a child has continued to haunt me. We are an overlooked segment of our society. It seems our world revolves around the idea of “family” as with children, and childless couples are not a part of the mainstream consciousness.
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Amen, Carolyn! I’m 71, and I agree with everything you say. I have had a good life, too, but I still spend most of my holidays alone while my childless friends and relatives party with their children and grandchildren.
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Sue,
Once again, you’re the voice of wisdom.
I wish more men would express their feelings about being childless.
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So do I, Tony. Thank you for hanging out here all these years.
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Loved reading this
This was a really touching post. It’s so important to pay attention to our visceral reactions and really consider what they’re telling us. My question for you is, have you found ways to cope with these emotions and find fulfillment in other areas of your life?
Nette
http://www.bestdogsstuff.com/
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Tough question, Nette. My days are wrapped around my work as a writer and musician. That gives me a great deal of fulfillment, but it does not fill the hole left by a lack of family. You do what you can. Thank you for your kind words.
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I love this
Thank you for sharing your personal story and offering some tough-love advice. I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability in discussing such an emotional topic. How would you suggest someone who is on the fence about having children approach the decision-making process?
Anette
BestDogsStuff.com
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Anette, all I can suggest is to pay attention to your gut feelings. If you really can’t live without having children, you need to talk it through with your partner. If they won’t budge, then it comes down to the big question: Is it more important to be with this person or to have children?
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