The workshop leader was talking about reasons to publish a poetry book. First on her list: It’s something to show your grandchildren.
Once again, it was assumed we all have or will have grandchildren. Not me. Maybe not you. The only one I have had around to show anything lately was a cat.
I was collecting my trash a few days ago when a black Persian cat came out of the woods and seemed to want to be my friend. As he swished back and forth across my legs, I gave him the tour: This is my garage. This is my car. This is my back yard. He said, “Meow” and kept following me.
The cat was beautiful, but I’m allergic, and he was too healthy to not be someone’s pet, so I didn’t let him into the house even though I was dying for someone to talk to, someone who could see my home and appreciate everything in it, including my books.
It can get lonely out here. People always assume we have kids if we’re a certain age. They also assume those kids will be around all the time, which is not true for many families. Just like everyone assumes we’ll be right-handed and some of us, like me, are not.
When this poet I admire said that at the workshop, did I pop in and say, “Hey some of us don’t have grandchildren?” No. She wasn’t taking comments or questions at that point, and it was not related to what we were talking about. She didn’t mean to offend. She offered other reasons to write a book, including having something to say and wanting to share it, maybe wanting to help, entertain, or inform. You don’t need children or grandchildren for any of that. In fact, I would bet most writers’ families aren’t that interested in their books. I know that’s true of mine. Some of them don’t even know I write.
But there are a lot of things besides books we might want to share with our children and grandchildren: family history and photographs, art, crafts, recipes, our religious faith, our vision of right and wrong, our favorite music, or movies we love. So many things.
We can work or volunteer with kids, reach out to other children in the family or among our friends. We can do all the stuff well-meaning people suggest, but it is not the same, at least not for me.
As always, I have questions:
- What should we do in a situation where someone assumes we all have children? Should we speak up and make a “thing” of it or let it go? Take them aside later and say, “You know, I don’t have children or grandchildren? What is the best way to handle this?
- What would you like to show your grandchildren if you could? Is there someone else you can share it with instead?
- Met any great cats lately?
Photo by Katarzyna Modrzejewska on Pexels.com
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I hope you had a peaceful Thanksgiving. I ended up with friends from church whom I didn’t know well and several other people I didn’t know at all, but we had a good time. They all had grown children but were not with them on that day for various reasons. They mentioned them briefly but didn’t dwell on it. The subject of my childlessness never came up. We talked about other things. How about you? Was it a day of gritting teeth or lots of fun?
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The Childless Collective Summit starts Saturday. All online, it offers four days of workshops, talks, and information for those who don’t have children. Attendance is FREE, although you can purchase a pass to watch the recordings at your leisure. Click here for information.
Childless by Marriage 
I’m focusing on the first Q. as that’s where I’m at for now. If there is a way to contact the person afterwards, in writing, that’s what I would do. Currently reviewing my stuff (after multiple moves) and have donated much that I was keeping for children. Keeping a few items for now (for e.g. things my mum had knitted for her future grandchildren that never came). Our no’s are growing (childless not by choice)…I hope that language and society develop to accommodate this better but think that we have to advocate for that. 🙏🏻
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You’re so right. I’m sure she didn’t mean to offend, but it was still there. Thank you for this.
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ETA (as FB post is public): Yes to the cats! Cat rescuers here although they rescue us really! 🐾
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I love your posts, Sue. So much to think about! And I don’t have answers, so I’ll be checking back to see what others share.
I also find it interesting that people assume people who DO have children will have them around them all the time. I keep in touch with several elderly people who are dear to me, and a lot of what I hear is how lonely they are because their children (and grandchildren) aren’t with them. So I think we each have to take charge of our social circles, reach out, and build relationships (I think of “family of choice”) with multiple generations. It takes effort to develop this skill, and I see that many elderly parents assumed their kids would just be there. Not so. It’s quite sad.
Final thought: My husband and I got our COVID+flu shots the day before Thanksgiving, so the holiday weekend was very calm. It was lovely. We felt sore the next day, but it wasn’t horrible. And it was nice to have the “excuse” to sit in our PJs, read books, watch movies, and not have to force ourselves to be social in situations that normally have so much drama.
Cheers to you!
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Hugs to you, Kathleen.
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I’m glad you had a nice Thanksgiving with nice people, even if you didn’t know them that well to start with. New friends?
These days, when people make statements that assume we all have children, I’ll often say something, especially if it’s in a small group or just one on one. I don’t make it pointed – an old work friend I saw at a party recently after about 30 years ago talked about “we all have to downsize from our big family homes.” And I just continued on the topic, mentioning that “it’s only ever been my husband and I” but that I still needed to downsize and declutter, and we had a lovely conversation, getting on to the issue of Swedish Death Cleaning! I know she got the message. But I do like to try to point things out later, if the opportunity arises, and if I think the person might take it well. There are some I don’t bother trying with!
I’m not even going to answer your second question, because it would just unnecessarily awaken regrets that I don’t want to start thinking about/focus on. There’s no point, because I can’t change my situation. What-ifs are just a way of tormenting myself. It’s so much easier not to think about them. It takes practice, but I’m pretty good at it.
No great cats lately, which is sad, because I love them. How nice to have a visit from one.
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Thank you, Mali. Yes, I hope they are new friends. Bravo for you speaking up. I don’t even want to know what Swedish Death Cleaning is. 🙂
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Sometimes I say something; sometimes I don’t. It depends on the crowd, the context, and how I’m feeling that day.
It gets tiresome though, the assumption that everyone has or will have children. Also, I don’t like the assumption that stepchildren or a boyfriend or girlfriend’s children are the same as raising your own (biological or adopted) children. I just get very tired.
If I had kids or grandkids I would introduce them to all of my favorite hobbies to see if they liked them too. I would’ve also read them all of my favorite books while they were growing up.
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“I can only imagine!”
This is my blanket response when someone says something like, “Oh, you know how it is, when you’re trying to get kids and husband out of the house for vacation/holiday/whatever.”
“Ohhh, I can only imagine!”
I like to keep it light when chatting with people who don’t realize that I don’t have kids to shuttle to and fro. It’s just a light conversation and in most cases I’m not super invested in continuing past small talk anyway. What do I care if they assumed? They usually don’t catch on.
Lately when my clients say “have you finished your Christmas shopping?” I’ve been offering, “well, you know, I don’t have children so Christmas shopping is pretty low stress for me.” For some reason, even though it’s also superficial level chatter, I like to say that. It makes me feel real to let people know that my Christmas looks differently than theirs.
This Christmas my niece will be in town with her husband. She will be pregnant and looking beautiful. I’m bracing myself. I don’t know that it will be difficult. I just know that sometimes I still fantasize about doing a pregnancy reveal to my family. What I’d say, how I guess that my mother would react. I know I won’t ever get to say those words but sometimes I still think about it. So I don’t know how I’ll feel on Christmas.
They say sometimes things have to get harder before they get better and I believe I’m on the cusp of being better. My beautiful life has been hard lately. In ways I can’t really understand. But the grace of God moves me forward.
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Beautiful, Anon.
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We lost our own cat several years ago now. But shortly afterwards a neighbour’s cat started appearing in our garden regularly. He now visits us regularly and often stays for a long sleep. His (human) mum knows and is okay about it. Do you think your new visitor calls round because your lovely Annie isn’t around any more? Have you seen the cat again? Regarding the assumption about kids, I suppose speakers think it’s a quick way to engage with a large part of their audience. In 121 conversations, I do try to challenge it. For example if people ask “where you going on holiday in the summer” I point out we don’t, as why would we travel when families do and places are crowded and it’s expensive as we don’t have kids.
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Hi Jenni. The black cat visited twice and has not been back since. I think he felt free to visit because the big dog was gone. I hate those questions about our summer plans because summer is the same as the rest of the year for me. My life is not controlled by the school year.
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I think that the worst for me was when I finally hit menopause. I’d prayed for a miracle for years, but by then DH had had his triple bypass and his stroke and I knew that it wasn’t going to happen. Even then…
I tried reading various articles on menopause. One said “Take comfort in your children.”
Gee, thanks…
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I’m so sorry.
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