The tiny dog in the flannel jacket put her paws on my knees. I bent down. “Hi, I’m Aunt Sue,” I said. She licked my face with her tiny tongue. Aww, said everyone at church choir practice.
It was all about dogs last night. I’m not complaining because I adore dogs, and my idea of heaven is to roll around in a pile of dogs. This dog, a puppy, is the newest addition to our church choir family. Her owners don’t feel comfortable leaving her home alone yet.
All of the singers have or have had canine family members. My Annie passed away in September, but I have plenty of stories to contribute. We talked about chewing, biting, barking, random things they have eaten, and places they have snuck into. Earlier in the day, our director’s dog destroyed a box of Q-Tips and scattered them from hither to yon.
Eventually we got around to practicing our songs while the dog continued to flit from one singer to another until her “mom” pulled her up and snuggled her in a blanket in her lap.
As a dog mom, I don’t mind dog talk. But what if I didn’t have dogs? What if I couldn’t have a dog? What if I was a cat person? A few months ago, a singer quit the choir, partially because we were always bringing our dogs to practice and talking nonstop about dogs. She not only didn’t have a dog; she was terrified of them, due to a bad experience when she was younger.
Isn’t it the same way when everyone at a gathering is talking about their children? Maybe they bring a baby or toddler with them, and you sit there feeling left out. We’re always tensed for the questions: How many kids do you have? How old are your children? Do you have any grandchildren yet? You don’t have children? Why not?
Most of our choir members are grandparents, but their families live far away. Besides, we know them, so we can share in the conversation. It would be different if they were in the midst of raising their children instead of dogs.
The National Association of Realtors recently shared census statistics that showed there are more American households with pets than with children. Way more. As of 2022, 40 percent had kids in the home, down from 48 percent in 2002. The Pet Products Association reported that 70 percent of American households own a pet, up from 56 percent in 1968. (The World Animal Foundation says it’s 66 percent.) You can read the whole article for more details, but wow. Birthrates are going down; pet ownership is going up.
Why? For all the reasons people are having fewer children: marrying later if at all, more divorces, easy access to birth control, finances, concerns about the state of the world, physical or emotional challenges, infertility, etc.
Dogs are a big commitment but not as much as a baby, especially once they grow out of the puppy stage. You cannot leave a baby in the backyard and go out to dinner. You can’t take them to a kennel and go on vacation. They need you 24/7. Dogs will never become teenagers who tell you they hate you. They will not grow up and leave you with an empty nest.
Pet ownership has changed over the years, not just in numbers but in how we treat our “fur babies.” Many people I know share their beds with their dogs and cats. In my father’s day, people wouldn’t even let them in the house. They were animals. Now they’re family.
The small towns on the Oregon coast where I live are full of dogs. A little black one “works” at the Waldport library. A poodle named Ruby works the waiting room at my hearing aid place in Newport. A little fur ball greets customers at the Nye Beach bookstore. Our pastor, Fr. Joseph, has two poodles, Allie and Bailey, and is frequently seen walking them on the streets of Waldport. On my walks here in South Beach, I say hello to the neighbor’s Great Pyrenees, Lumin. On the next street, Winnie the Corgi and Bobo the chocolate Lab come running out to walk with me.
I love dogs, and I’m aching to get another one. When I do, I guarantee it will be all about the dog. But I’m beginning to realize we don’t all have and love dogs anymore than we all have and love human children.
What if I was not a dog person and people were incessantly talking about their dogs? Change the language. What if I was not a mom or dad and people were incessantly talking about their children and grandchildren? That’s something most of us have experienced. It hurts.
How about you? Do your pets feel like family? Like children? Like friends? When you’re in a group of people, are they talking about pets or children? How does it make you feel? Let’s talk about it.
Photo by Tanya Gorelova on Pexels.com
Childless by Marriage 
Hi Sue, this rings true for me as I do obsess over all my animals. I tell my husband it’s because I don’t have my own biological kids to obsess over. Maybe that is a half-truth. I don’t know. If I’d had my own bio kids then maybe I would still have obsessed over my furry friends. So far, I’ve obsessed over my horses, dogs and cats, but not over my donkeys, chickens and goats, ha ha. I’ve obsessed over other peoples’ horses, donkeys and cats. I obsess over the birds that come to our bird feeders. I’ll fill up the bird feeders before I pay bills, call Mom or feed myself. I watch them out the window when I work and they are a great source of amusement, especially if a squirrel wanders along and tries to break into the squirrel-proof birdfeeders. I know logically in my head that the love I have for animals is not the same as the love I would have had for my own child, but it seems awfully close, especially my horses. As far as “showing them off,” I’ll pass. At least in this season of my life, working full time and part-time caregiver for my Mom plus running a home, 3 step kids/8 step grandkids and now a few step great grandkids, who has time to do all that posting of photos online? Low priority in my world. My furbabies know I love them, even those goofy chickens.
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I love it. Thank you for sharing this.
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Yep, my furkids are my kids.
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It’s unfortunate your choir member made the choice to withdraw due to the dogs. But sometimes the thing we are involved in just drifts a certain way due to the collective people. And it’s up to us to decided if we want/can invest our time.
I used to bristle when groups would have “mom’s game night” (or whatever). I’m not a mom, but I sure like a good game night! It seemed short sighted to exclude “non moms”? But I have learned. I have tried to force myself into groups that weren’t really set up for me. And, like your choir member friend, I’ve left groups that should have been perfect for me.
I am currently a dogless “dog person”. I will watch a funny dog Tiktok a few times in a row. I might send it on to my husband. I might go down a rabbit hole of other dog videos. But a video of a cute kid – boo! If I don’t know the kid, I have no interest. I will stop strangers to ask questions about their dog. We will talk at length about our pets who have died and the joy we have remembering them. Having a dog is simply the best and I look forward to doing it again!
If I KNEW that I’d never have another dog, I wonder if I’d still enjoy the topic as much.
I do not love it when my friend goes on forever about her cats. I try to change the subject after a suitable amount of time. I love her and I understand her joy – but cat stories just don’t translate for me.
In another experience, I recall myself looking for a new work lunch group when two people in the small group LOVED to summarize whatever movie they’d watched the previous night. They spoke about the characters as if they were people we knew. It irritated me to no end to (daily) listen to the detailed fiction they enjoyed when I would have far preferred to chat about our own lives or people we actually knew.
Recently my haunches flared again when I saw a website called something like “vintage mama”. They even had a social media group you could join. It looked cool! So stupid to only focus on “mamas”. I love vintage! But when I visited the site, it was clear there was a niche market and someone (probably a mama) was creating a space for herself. Her things are really cute. She will bring a lot of people joy with her products. Good thing there are plenty of other vintage avenues for me.
I recently started going to a new church, a new faith entirely. So I expect I might find myself exiting old, or entering unknown, waters. Some topics, some friendships, some feelings don’t feel right anymore.
The older I get, the more I understand that I don’t belong everywhere. And not everyone belongs with me. And sometimes people, hobbies or interests are seasons in your life. Not disposable. Just put in place with respect.
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Thanks for sharing this, Anon. Good luck in your new church and may we both find our new dogs someday soon.
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I have 2 cousins, both childless by choice, both in their fifties. In the last year or so they have both got new dogs and they obsess over them. I suspect it is related to them not having biological children. One of my cousins used to holiday abroad a lot. She is now retired but can no longer travel as she won’t put the baby-dog in kennels. For me the only upside of being childless is the ability to go on more holidays. I like their dogs (and cats) and enjoy seeing them but I find it boring and a bit sad when they go on about them. A bit over the top.
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Hello Sue,
I read your book and found your blog. I find it very interesting to read different perspectives on this subject.
When it comes to dogs, the analogy may be more accurate for child free people, as opposed to childless. I am not a dog person (prefer cats) and if all of my coworkers were, I might be slightly annoyed that all conversation revolved around dogs. But if I wanted to get a dog and join the club, I could.
I had two cats, but I never considered them the same as children or family members. In fact I always used specifically non-human names for them, because it felt too weird to use people names. (and also because I enjoyed being able to use any crazy name I wanted !).
However it’s definitely true that pets can bring comfort in time of need. They feel love and loyalty, just like we do. Although imo cats are definitely better than dogs (they don’t drool and you don’t have to walk them at 6am while it’s raining).
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Dogs are needy, that’s for sure. I enjoy cats, too, but I’m allergic to most of them. And nope, they are not my children.
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