Have you heard people without children called selfish? I know I have.
People make assumptions. You don’t have children because you can’t be bothered caring for them. You don’t want to spend the money or the time. You want to travel or rise in the corporate world. You’re a “career gal.” You hate kids. You’re selfish.
Most of these assumptions are wrong, and they hurt, especially if you wanted children and were not able to have them. Even if you’re childless by choice, you have your reasons, which may not be selfish at all.
We’re forever being asked to justify our situation even though it’s nobody else’s business. Maria Garcia wrote a guest post about this for the Substack “Life Without Children” and also spoke about it in a live interview with Substack author Ali Hall.
Garcia, 30, hasn’t decided yet whether or not to have children, but she was struck by a conversation with her cousin in which the cousin labeled as selfish a younger woman who said she didn’t want children. The cousin has been struggling with infertility, so the subject is a touchy one for her.
Following that conversation, Garcia came upon an Instagram post that offered “One Hundred Reasons Not to Have Children.” Some of those reasons were frivolous—so much laundry—but Garcia and Hall both agree that we shouldn’t have to justify our choices. “When “I say I just don’t want them,” Hall says, people should accept that. “We are so much more than our reproductive status.”
Garcia adds, “We complement each other in our differences. We don’t have to all do the same thing.”
I highly recommend Garcia’s article, “Motherhood, Choice, and the Endless Need for Justifications.” as well as the video you will find at the same site.
In our Childless by Marriage world, trying to justify our situation gets complicated and uncomfortable. If we’re the one who wouldn’t/couldn’t have a baby, we have our reasons but certainly don’t want to discuss them every time people discover we are not parents. And if we have chosen to stick with a partner who wouldn’t/couldn’t, we face other challenges. Why do you stay with them? He could have his vasectomy reversed. You could adopt. You would make such a good mother or father. How can you give that up?
People who assume everybody has kids may think you have buckets of money and endless freedom to live as perpetual children. That’s so not true. Kids or not, we are adults with adult responsibilities.
Do you find yourself justifying, defending, explaining, often to folks who don’t get it, who think if you REALLY wanted children, you would have them, so it must be your fault? I know I do. People are full of what we woulda coulda shoulda done, but we have to live our own lives, which may not include children.
If you Google “reasons not to have children,” you can spend all day reading the various lists, but the truth is it’s nobody’s business but your own, whether it’s a choice, a painful non-choice, or something in between. We all react based on our own biases and experiences.
Do you find people demanding to know why you don’t have children—and then telling you why you’re wrong?
Let’s talk about it in the comments.
Childless by Marriage 
I’ve certainly heard and read the descriptions of childless people as selfish. I’ve blogged about how angry it makes me! (https://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.com/2011/03/let-me-be.html) I just heard of a young woman who has 10 children (and still going). In this day and age, that’s selfish! Her oldest kids will look after the younger ones. The impact on planet, etc. The tax benefits they are receiving. etc. etc. Oh, and of course they’re not vaccinated. Sigh. We childless people will be contributing to raising her kids, schooling, medical costs, their tax breaks, etc. But oh, we’re supposed to be the selfish ones.
However, I feel no obligation to explain to people why I don’t have children. After all, they don’t explain why they have kids, do they? I blogged about that too – they don’t say broken condom, drunken fumble in the back seat, trying to keep the marriage together, etc so why should I say why I don’t have them? I’ll tell some people, but not others. I believe I said, “I just don’t” when the first time I met a woman she asked why. My firm “no” to the “do you have children?” question usually shuts down that line of questioning! lol
LikeLike
Amen, Mali.
LikeLike
“In a world where, as a whole, we are advised to be less nurturing to get ahead, I think we could all use some more maternal energy. And by that, I don’t mean being mothers. I mean being kind and accepting of each other, no matter our choices.”
Thanks for sharing the link where I found the above quote.
I usually change the subject to my dog or other hobbies and never get questioned further after I say I don’t have children. But, at nearly 43, I may have an easier time of it now.
Honestly, I’m grateful to be nearly 43 and past some of the worst of my emotions and anger at my husband. My life is better for it now… embracing forgiveness (of him, myself, the situation) and keeping my eyes forward and hopeful for whatever the future brings.
And, I do think I still bring maternal kindness to my relationships, even if I’m not a mother to another human.
LikeLiked by 1 person